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Post by h on Oct 6, 2022 5:52:40 GMT -5
I generally find my own political beliefs unwelcome no matter what the venue is so I've learned not to express them at all unless someone gives me the super secret handshake or it's digital online equivalent. Anyway, how's the weather?
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 6, 2022 6:10:46 GMT -5
I generally find my own political beliefs unwelcome no matter what the venue is so I've learned not to express them at all unless someone gives me the super secret handshake or it's digital online equivalent. Anyway, how's the weather? Workin' on it. |
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 6, 2022 9:55:28 GMT -5
I'd hoped those crestfallen by such discussions could simply not click, but some posts like COVID could spark interest only to go in a political direction and like catching your spouse in a pony costume, perhaps you can't think of them with respect after that.I think you just unknowingly created a thread. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 6, 2022 10:59:15 GMT -5
ILIASM community guidelines and community standards are well written if you ask me. iliasm.org/thread/3/guidelinesMy guess is that enforcement was lax judging by the comments. My suggestion is that as a community, we can self enforce by reminding members of the standards and encouraging the occasional review. |
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Post by sadkat on Oct 6, 2022 22:50:50 GMT -5
Thank you mirrororchid and @thegreatcontender-akaDaddeeo for finding and linking the rules of the forum. Since just a few people responded so far, let's wait to see what the other regular posters think. I guess my big question is.... can we self regulate or do we need to chase down the admin? Another thought I had.... I know I received a welcome message (private message) when I first checked into the forum. I think it was after I added my first couple of posts. I can't deny that gave me the warm fuzzies. Is that something we can collectively do? Not sure how we could manage that, though. |
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Post by sadkat on Oct 6, 2022 22:52:24 GMT -5
I'd hoped those crestfallen by such discussions could simply not click, but some posts like COVID could spark interest only to go in a political direction and like catching your spouse in a pony costume, perhaps you can't think of them with respect after that.I think you just unknowingly created a thread. Oh! This oughta be fun! 😁 |
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Post by catlover on Oct 7, 2022 12:42:23 GMT -5
Hi there, yes, I'm still here, and don't see anything changing much in the foreseeable future. SO every now and again I will probably post a lament when things are feeling shitty
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Post by petrushka on Oct 15, 2022 6:34:54 GMT -5
Hi there, yes, I'm still here, and don't see anything changing much in the foreseeable future. SO every now and again I will probably post a lament when things are feeling shitty Meh, sorry about the 'things feeling shitty' thing. My situation has qualitatively not changed - but quantitatively it definitely has, so, there's little pressure to hang out and blow off steam, or even chat with those in the same boat. Also, most all of the people I can/could personally relate to - consider(ed) friends even - don't post any more.
Maybe, just maybe, I should drop in again more frequently.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 15, 2022 11:20:27 GMT -5
Hey petrushka! Great to hear from you! So quantitatively means you are no longer SM or something else? What changed for you. Maybe I'm just dense. Hi there, yes, I'm still here, and don't see anything changing much in the foreseeable future. SO every now and again I will probably post a lament when things are feeling shitty Meh, sorry about the 'things feeling shitty' thing. My situation has qualitatively not changed - but quantitatively it definitely has, so, there's little pressure to hang out and blow off steam, or even chat with those in the same boat. Also, most all of the people I can/could personally relate to - consider(ed) friends even - don't post any more.
Maybe, just maybe, I should drop in again more frequently.
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Post by sadkat on Oct 15, 2022 12:04:03 GMT -5
I'm with you, Daddeeo- I had to read the post several times before I thought I understood. I'm guessing that sex is more regular now but still starfish? petrushka - am I right? |
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Post by petrushka on Oct 16, 2022 16:36:41 GMT -5
Hey petrushka ! Great to hear from you! So quantitatively means you are no longer SM or something else? What changed for you. Maybe I'm just dense. Meh, sorry about the 'things feeling shitty' thing. My situation has qualitatively not changed - but quantitatively it definitely has, so, there's little pressure to hang out and blow off steam, or even chat with those in the same boat. Also, most all of the people I can/could personally relate to - consider(ed) friends even - don't post any more.
Maybe, just maybe, I should drop in again more frequently.
Heh. No, there is no sex in my relationship, simply because I am not at all interested in 'starfish sex'. What is ever so much better though, is intimacy in other respects. Talking is much improved. Passive aggressive tantrums have all but disappeared. She comes in the door and sees me and her face lights up. Hugs, kisses (but not French! LoL), snuggles. She no longer stiffens and bends away from a hug, in fact she seeks them out at times and relaxes into them. When she is unhappy about something she comes to me for succor, rather than pushing me away and running/hiding/letting it all out in p/a snarky transference.
In other words, my wife is learning about intimacy, and learning to enjoy it. And I am enjoying all of those aspects of it, too. I don't think she's even remotely aware of the changes she's gone through the last 20 odd years. Basically she's not the woman I married, but a much more developed person, who can accept affection, and express it. Who can see shades of grey (and that's not a reference to a certain pop culture item) but a reference to half her life where there was nothing except for black and white (and a lot less white than black).
Also, I am not far off 70. The drive is still there, but the body is failing in some respects. I seriously don't know if I could still complete a penetrative sex act. {sad face} Actually, that's never been the non plus ultra of my sex life -- my desire and fulfilment were broader than that. But: I've given up looking for a lover. There's not much I am missing out on, by now. A friend or two who are into intimacy - mental, emotional, spiritual would still be welcome in my life.
Absolutely, some sexual activity would be lovely - but doing without at this point is a bit like doing without Black Forest Gateau ....
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Post by alwaysseverus on Oct 17, 2022 2:28:47 GMT -5
One of March 2016 crew still here and lurking. Starting in the old Experience Project days and migrated over to here. I won't lie, I wish I didn't need to read things here as I imagine many of you feel as well. After 22 years (married 18yrs) still in my SM. I understand the reasons for where we are. She had childhood trauma which led to intimacy issues (didn't know this till after marriage) We gained weight eating our misery to almost 500lbs. I ate my feelings dealing with this issue. I have type 2 diabetes now. Then the spark in 2019. Bariatric Surgery. She the VSG and I the Doudenal Switch. We both lost 150lbs before surgery then 135lbs after. I had hopes that with the weight changes for both of us things would change. My diabetes went into remission with the weight-loss. No more diabetes drugs. Unfortunately, in 2020 I started to develop diabetic retinopathy and Peyronie's disease. Imagine losing all that weight and thinking things will change! Then life throws the curve and things are worse. I was already in a SM I really didn't need the PD's help. I got surgery Nov 2021 after a year of hell. Sort of fixed, but here we are. After all these changes and tortures. Triumphs and disappointments. Same place. No spark. I love my wife, but I've killed a part of me to be with her. We've two girls and I've set aside this issue in order to keep this family together. I keep lying to myself maybe things will change. Only thing that changed was that I gave up and stopped talking about it. I'm just as sad with this issue when I was close to 500lbs as I am now at 215lbs. I believe I last wrote something 2017. Same place. Running out of time waiting for a change that won't happen. One of these days I'll probably do something stupid, but feel alive again. I don't want to throw a grenade at my life, but this must be the mid-life crisis I hear so much about. I'm onboard with couples therapy. Been asking for years. She isn't interested because she doesn't want to talk about her childhood. I could go myself, but what would they tell me? Feel good about yourself even though you don't feel loved and wanted? Yay! Go me... Yes, I do suffer from depression. Probably should be on something. Again you can imagine the PD didn't help here either nor these issues. I understand how people feel here. You just want to be touched, held, loved, laugh and live. I wish I had answers. In my heart I fear and hope for change, but I know after 20+ it won't be from her. And that's the problem. I do love her. Sacrifice a part of me for love. Stupid right? Life is short. I tell myself. What are you doing? There could be so much more out there, but I don't want to leave this all behind. Trapped between the fantasy in your head and the reality of life. Sorry for the rambling post, but that's what I've liked here. Somewhere to vent and read other's struggle. I'm not alone in the loneliness and my heart aches for everyone who feels this way. Marriage shouldn't feel this isolating and cold.
My two cents: I've always thought of Baza as the admin and keeper of the tomes of misery even from back in the Experience Project days...
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 17, 2022 5:51:41 GMT -5
... My diabetes went into remission with the weight-loss. No more diabetes drugs. Unfortunately, in 2020 I started to develop diabetic retinopathy and Peyronie's disease. ... She isn't interested because she doesn't want to talk about her childhood... I could go myself, but what would they tell me? Feel good about yourself even though you don't feel loved and wanted? Yay! Go me... Yes, I do suffer from depression. Probably should be on something. Again you can imagine the PD didn't help here either nor these issues. I understand how people feel here. You just want to be touched, held, loved, laugh and live. I wish I had answers. In my heart I fear and hope for change, but I know after 20+ it won't be from her. And that's the problem. I do love her. Sacrifice a part of me for love. Stupid right? Life is short. I tell myself. What are you doing? There could be so much more out there, but I don't want to leave this all behind. Trapped between the fantasy in your head and the reality of life. Sorry for the rambling post, but that's what I've liked here. Somewhere to vent and read others' struggles. I'm not alone in the loneliness and my heart aches for everyone who feels this way. Marriage shouldn't feel this isolating and cold. Thanks for the status (non?)update. Saving folks the Google:
Peyronie's disease: penile fibrosis
Fibrous scar tissue inside the penis that causes curved, painful erections.
Peyronie's disease is caused by repeated penile injury, typically during sex or physical activity.
Penises vary in shape and size, and having a curved erection isn't necessarily a cause for concern. In Peyronie's disease, the bend is significant, and may occur along with pain or interfere with sexual function. Medications or surgery may be recommended if symptoms persist or worsen.Might you bring up EMDR therapy? Maybe she doesn't see it as worth addressing, but if she's concerned about vivid flashbacks (emotional memory), EMDR has been very useful for many folks to make sure resolution of childhood horror can be discussed tolerably and, eventually, without the emotional assault. As for you, you talk about "doing something stupid". Maybe addressing the Peyronie's disease would be worth doing for the sake of that stupid thing or your wife having a revelation. I'm not sure what kind of intimacy PD allows if you were to get offered, and decided to accept. It may not be the kind of answer that is a "quick fix" you'll want and may become an excuse to refuse something you actually want. Setting your body up to be a rationale for staying sexless may be an unc0nscious trap you're laying for yourself to fulfill an obligation you're ambivalent about. Maybe that would be an issue to resolve in individual therapy? Regardless of the medical side of things (as well as possible self-sabotage you perform for the cause of family preservation), for the "Stay" crowd, the ILIASM crowd often recommends building a social life that does not include the refusing spouse. Meetups, poker games, bowling league, book clubs, hiking clubs, etc. NorthStarMom found her lifemate through her community theater side project by accident. Your cleaving so closely to your family may suggest some co-dependency that could stand some loosening? Even if you never accept intimacy elsewhere. Venting is good. Just as you like to read it, we can use yours. |
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Post by alwaysseverus on Oct 17, 2022 7:30:18 GMT -5
Thank you very much mirrororchid for the response and kind words. I'm going to keep trying to suggest the couples (individual) therapy for us. I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. I did choose surgery to fix the PD, penile plication: Penile plication involves tightening the side of the penis opposing the curvature with stitches in order to straighten the penis. This stitching can typically be accomplished through a small incision along the side of your penis. I also have two penile implants stitched inside on the underside that expand & retract with erections. Sorry for all the medical stuff. I want to make sure that if anyone has this that they know there are options and they don't have to suffer in silence. I believe this was brought on with diabetes much like the retinopathy. Regardless, I'm not 100% but I'd say 85-90% back to where I was which makes the lack of intimacy even more frustrating. All these struggles overcome and to still have this same problem. Waiting for a change, even though I know I need to be the change... PD treatment: www.urologytimes.com/view/peyronies-treatments-costs-outcomes-comparedPenile placation: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5583063/PD info: pdlabs.net/wireless/android/peyronies/peyronies.htmlGood article: www.menshealth.com/health/a19541081/peyronies-disease/ |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 17, 2022 8:27:12 GMT -5
petrushka Thanks for updating. Sounds like you are in a good place if not ideal. Hope to see you around every so often.
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