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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 19, 2022 5:58:30 GMT -5
Thank you very much mirrororchid for the response and kind words. I'm going to keep trying to suggest the couples (individual) therapy for us. I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. I did choose surgery to fix the PD, penile plication: Penile plication involves tightening the side of the penis opposing the curvature with stitches in order to straighten the penis. This stitching can typically be accomplished through a small incision along the side of your penis. I also have two penile implants stitched inside on the underside that expand & retract with erections. Sorry for all the medical stuff. I want to make sure that if anyone has this that they know there are options and they don't have to suffer in silence. I believe this was brought on with diabetes much like the retinopathy. Regardless, I'm not 100% but I'd say 85-90% back to where I was which makes the lack of intimacy even more frustrating. All these struggles overcome and to still have this same problem. Waiting for a change, even though I know I need to be the change... PD treatment: www.urologytimes.com/view/peyronies-treatments-costs-outcomes-comparedPenile placation: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5583063/PD info: pdlabs.net/wireless/android/peyronies/peyronies.htmlGood article: www.menshealth.com/health/a19541081/peyronies-disease/Medical information that contributes to sexless marriages is important to post. I would hope no one should object. I only glossed over Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) for those with trauma and emotional memories (experiencing the feelings you had at the time of the event) One documentary on it I watched found the side to side eye movement may be a vestige of our ancestors. It is what our eyes did while we were watching for danger, actively. Preparing for it. Level-headed. An interesting theory. The other types of stimulation seem to have worked for a friend who has had serious panic and anxiety attacks. I am blessed to have historical memory rather than emotional. I remember events as if I'm reading them in a newspaper or watching on TV. I'm not on the scene again, and it's happening all over again. I was floored when I realized what this friend, my daughter, and my wife have to deal with. I thought everyone's memory worked like mine. |
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Post by h on Oct 23, 2022 13:54:29 GMT -5
Thank you very much mirrororchid for the response and kind words. I'm going to keep trying to suggest the couples (individual) therapy for us. I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. I did choose surgery to fix the PD, penile plication: Penile plication involves tightening the side of the penis opposing the curvature with stitches in order to straighten the penis. This stitching can typically be accomplished through a small incision along the side of your penis. I also have two penile implants stitched inside on the underside that expand & retract with erections. Sorry for all the medical stuff. I want to make sure that if anyone has this that they know there are options and they don't have to suffer in silence. I believe this was brought on with diabetes much like the retinopathy. Regardless, I'm not 100% but I'd say 85-90% back to where I was which makes the lack of intimacy even more frustrating. All these struggles overcome and to still have this same problem. Waiting for a change, even though I know I need to be the change... PD treatment: www.urologytimes.com/view/peyronies-treatments-costs-outcomes-comparedPenile placation: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5583063/PD info: pdlabs.net/wireless/android/peyronies/peyronies.htmlGood article: www.menshealth.com/health/a19541081/peyronies-disease/Medical information that contributes to sexless marriages is important to post. I would hope no one should object. I only glossed over Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) for those with trauma and emotional memories (experiencing the feelings you had at the time of the event) One documentary on it I watched found the side to side eye movement may be a vestige of our ancestors. It is what our eyes did while we were watching for danger, actively. Preparing for it. Level-headed. An interesting theory. The other types of stimulation seem to have worked for a friend who has had serious panic and anxiety attacks. I am blessed to have historical memory rather than emotional. I remember events as if I'm reading them in a newspaper or watching on TV. I'm not on the scene again, and it's happening all over again. I was floored when I realized what this friend, my daughter, and my wife have to deal with. I thought everyone's memory worked like mine. Somewhere in the resources folder, I had a thread specifically for medical issues that interfered with sex. |
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Post by warmways on Oct 24, 2022 18:43:53 GMT -5
I was on experience project and jumped on here after it’s demise. This site has been an immense support when I was suffering through those dark days until my divorce 2/21/19. Now I’m here to offer support. I was healing ❤️🩹 after that toxic mess and have my feet back under me and can offer support
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 25, 2022 23:36:26 GMT -5
👋 Hello warmways. Great to hear from you. I was on experience project and jumped on here after it’s demise. This site has been an immense support when I was suffering through those dark days until my divorce 2/21/19. Now I’m here to offer support. I was healing ❤️🩹 after that toxic mess and have my feet back under me and can offer support |
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Post by warmways on Oct 27, 2022 23:25:47 GMT -5
Thank you. The dust has taken a long time to settle. That’s an understatement but I definitely feel on more solid ground and am here to share my dating lessons and life in the other side
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Nov 5, 2022 1:25:45 GMT -5
I was a lurker on EP and migrated over here. Took a little while before joining officially and posting. I don't post often, but I am here often for the reading (save for the last few months as I have been working on my new life). I am not talkative by nature, so that is reflective of me in the forum. In the beginning it was a great comfort knowing I was not alone. The advice, while often tough love, always seems to come from the heart and I have always respected that.
I guess I fall into the category of not always advancing the conversations, and I imagine there are many more that come for the reading but do not post. Sometimes people drift apart and gradually lose touch, like your high school or college friends you haven't seen or talked to in years. So many of our former stars would probably find themselves like that. They got too busy, they forget to check in, and generally just life stuff in general and just haven't checked in for a while.
I have no other social media presence, but I appreciate that many of you are promoting this site.
As to the "forbidden subjects" and moderators. I think for the most part people on here have been tolerant of divergent opinions (though I know some have left because of them). I love a good debate and I can respect people different from me without thinking they are the bad guy. However, having this place be a truly safe space is more important than that. That said, I could support a separate Category in which the rules were "relaxed". All other forum categories/folders could be strictly safe and this other would be a completely separate entity/folder. That way, no one should enter and be able to complain about threads or posts they may find problematic within that section - there would be a warning sign posted at the entrance and they would just avoid it. I know many on here have become quite good friends and like this Forum commonality and would like to discuss a more wide variety of topics. When you go to an in-person support group, don't you occasionally have a conversation about the sports going on this weekend, or the upcoming election, or what the Kardashians are up to? The Off Topic folder is great, but I think making one that is even more explicit in stating the rules were relaxed may give us a bit of a compromise - as long as everyone truly left the remaining majority part of the site safe.
Don't get me wrong, I personally have never felt anyone being too offensive with a post (apart from the obvious scams and trolls), but I could see how some may have been offended. Anyway, just my $0.02.
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Post by deadzone75 on Nov 6, 2022 0:06:26 GMT -5
I was a lurker on EP and migrated over here. Took a little while before joining officially and posting. I don't post often, but I am here often for the reading (save for the last few months as I have been working on my new life). I am not talkative by nature, so that is reflective of me in the forum. In the beginning it was a great comfort knowing I was not alone. The advice, while often tough love, always seems to come from the heart and I have always respected that.
I guess I fall into the category of not always advancing the conversations, and I imagine there are many more that come for the reading but do not post. Sometimes people drift apart and gradually lose touch, like your high school or college friends you haven't seen or talked to in years. So many of our former stars would probably find themselves like that. They got too busy, they forget to check in, and generally just life stuff in general and just haven't checked in for a while.
I have no other social media presence, but I appreciate that many of you are promoting this site.
As to the "forbidden subjects" and moderators. I think for the most part people on here have been tolerant of divergent opinions (though I know some have left because of them). I love a good debate and I can respect people different from me without thinking they are the bad guy. However, having this place be a truly safe space is more important than that. That said, I could support a separate Category in which the rules were "relaxed". All other forum categories/folders could be strictly safe and this other would be a completely separate entity/folder. That way, no one should enter and be able to complain about threads or posts they may find problematic within that section - there would be a warning sign posted at the entrance and they would just avoid it. I know many on here have become quite good friends and like this Forum commonality and would like to discuss a more wide variety of topics. When you go to an in-person support group, don't you occasionally have a conversation about the sports going on this weekend, or the upcoming election, or what the Kardashians are up to? The Off Topic folder is great, but I think making one that is even more explicit in stating the rules were relaxed may give us a bit of a compromise - as long as everyone truly left the remaining majority part of the site safe.
Don't get me wrong, I personally have never felt anyone being too offensive with a post (apart from the obvious scams and trolls), but I could see how some may have been offended. Anyway, just my $0.02.
I get the "drifting" thing. Time in a SM wears on you. In my case, I got tired of repeating the same shit over and over. I was boring myself and it was clear there ultimately was only one way out, or one way to stay miserable. In the end, it wasn't my choice, but I was still tired of even mentioning my refuser. However, I do still enjoy the spicier side of this place. And I do like hearing from others and trying to offer support, even though I have become rather blunt post-SM. As for the "relaxed" rules idea, I'd like to say yes, but this place has already decided what to ban. When the politic button was the hot debate, it was pretty obvious that all one had to do to avoid being offended was not enter that specific thread. But, it's just easier to censor all these days. And besides, "no politics" was always one of the ground rules anyway, so it's whatever. |
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Post by solitarysoul on Dec 21, 2022 16:36:40 GMT -5
I only drop in once a year or so... and then I see the same stuff... so I dont need to stay. I have been around since the EP days (with a different handle).
Back when I first joined, 7 or so years ago, this was a supportive place. I enjoyed being here and had friends here. I had many private conversations both in the site and outside the site. I felt supported based on my choices. But this site has changed. In recent years I did not feel supported. I was attacked by a lot of people when I didn't follow their advice/direction even though they barely knew my situation. I still see a lot of those people here. It feels like the same group drives off a lot of people.
I have chosen to live my life as I do and as I can. I accept my SM. I have only had sex twice in the last 10+ years and I really don't think I will for the rest of my life even though I am 48. I accept this and have redirected my energy elsewhere. Last time I looked, this is ILIASM, not ILIASMAIWDIIDHSS (and I will die if I don't have sex soon). To each his own... even on the Staying board I felt attacked for my decisions.
And yes, like the rest of society, this site has struggled with the partisan politics. And I strongly disagree with some very regular contributors to this site. The old days of compromise and acceptance of others is long gone. We are now a society of "believe like me and all should be as I want or we burn it to the ground!". Sad that it even shows up here...
Not sure this place will have much of future in its current state... especially with the same characters dominating the show.... I am guessing that says something about the state of our society. SMs and relationship problems are not something from one generation, there are as old as time itself.
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 21, 2022 19:37:17 GMT -5
I only drop in once a year or so... and then I see the same stuff... so I don't need to stay. ... Back when I first joined, 7 or so years ago, this was a supportive place. I enjoyed being here and had friends here.... In recent years I did not feel supported. I was attacked by a lot of people when I didn't follow their advice/direction even though they barely knew my situation. I still see a lot of those people here. It feels like the same group drives off a lot of people. I have chosen to live my life as I do and as I can. I accept my SM. ... even on the Staying board I felt attacked for my decisions. And yes, like the rest of society, this site has struggled with the partisan politics....Not sure this place will have much of future in its current state... especially with the same characters dominating the show.... . Since you were last around, the partisan politics thing has been muted by request of a few members. While the solidarity remained, it could be hard to accept support from someone you knew to be so antithetical to your life philosophies. The Rules page said politics wasn't allowed, and even though mostly restricted to "Off-Topic" folks wandered in there and saw opinions that made them uncomfortable and while getting into heated debates can be recreational for some of us, it stresses other people out and that can be the last thing you want when we come here. EDIT: OK. I think I found the thread that upset you so much. It could have gone better. We have had a number of fellas in your shoes join since you were last around. They might consider leaving someday, but they make it clear they're in no hurry. We try to help them brainstorm ways to make the path easier. If you get persistent prodding to leave, the intent is likely benevolent, though unwelcome. They have often left themselves, are happy with their choice and figure you will be too. Heelots, for example, is pretty firm in his commitment to stay hitched, despite being one of our more unhappy members. It puzzles me, and saddens me a bit, but he's made his position vigorously clear. |
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Post by solitarysoul on Dec 25, 2022 15:50:14 GMT -5
I wonder how many newbies become regulars... for longer than a few months... then its over... but i am sure some find a home.
Sex plays different roles and different levels of need among all of us. At this point, it is very low and i have found many other things that make me happier. She has learned to live her own life more and is more independent when her health is better. There is less animosity and struggle between us. Some things are just off the table. And there is a peace. But some on this site could never accept that and see it as sacrifice or missed potential. I don't... and I am sure others may come to the same place also.
When this site is bigger, with more people, and more diverse, it is a much better place. We each have to find out own solution and balance. While i wish the best for many of you, your answer is probably not my answer, but it may be for others... and welcoming of more and tolerance of more would greatly improve the ILIASM experience.
I have long since pushed the importance of sex far down my happiness list.... the last few years have shown me that i need to be happier with a simpler existence. its amazing how fast everything you know can go. And sex isnt even in the picture.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 30, 2022 5:58:06 GMT -5
This is (was) a great community. Pretty understanding and inclusive, and might I even add sophisticated by social media standards. Im proposing those of us who have been here awhile try to revive it if possible. With that in mind, who here is still here from the old days? If you are a lurker or new to the scene feel free to introduce yourself as well. We do have a thread for that but definitely announce yourself however you see fit. So is there any support for this suggestion or do I take my humor and talents elsewhere? 🤔 By all means... please spear head this. This is our connection, our learning, our pay it forward, and maybe so much more... I believe I found the original EP back in 2010 or 2011. I wish I wasn't hear reading this post but I guess I have been in the staying camp for a very long time. It's been a long journey and I have contemplated on how to tell it. If to tell it. This beautiful forum, with all its understanding people, is still a place that I am both overly free and afraid to say my innermost thoughts. There is a lot of pain held in the lives of those who come here and if we can help one single person find their way out, perhaps that's a win. I don't mean to imply divorce is the only answer but rather standing up for your needs and metaphorically putting on our own life jacket. |
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diode
Junior Member
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Post by diode on Dec 30, 2022 18:28:27 GMT -5
This is (was) a great community. Pretty understanding and inclusive, and might I even add sophisticated by social media standards. Im proposing those of us who have been here awhile try to revive it if possible. With that in mind, who here is still here from the old days? If you are a lurker or new to the scene feel free to introduce yourself as well. We do have a thread for that but definitely announce yourself however you see fit. So is there any support for this suggestion or do I take my humor and talents elsewhere? 🤔 By all means... please spear head this. This is our connection, our learning, our pay it forward, and maybe so much more... I believe I found the original EP back in 2010 or 2011. I wish I wasn't hear reading this post but I guess I have been in the staying camp for a very long time. It's been a long journey and I have contemplated on how to tell it. If to tell it. This beautiful forum, with all its understanding people, is still a place that I am both overly free and afraid to say my innermost thoughts. There is a lot of pain held in the lives of those who come here and if we can help one single person find their way out, perhaps that's a win. I don't mean to imply divorce is the only answer but rather standing up for your needs and metaphorically putting on our own life jacket. Dammit! I had a two-pager ready to roll, and it timed out. grrrr. I’ll maybe try again… |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 3, 2023 4:45:33 GMT -5
Am I to gather that you wrote a long response and lost it through a glitch? That's happened half a dozen times to me, so after I've written a substantial passage, I save the entry, then go to the drop down menu of the post and select "Edit" to add to it or to actually edit. You can also highlight what you wrote and press control-C to copy your work to the clipboard before saving, in case the save itself glitches. I don't count on this as a saving mechanism though. I've had glitchy computers before and saving to clipboard doesn't survive a blue screen of death. Losing ten minutes or more of effort can be demoralizing. Hate to see you come to vent frustration and have a glitch cause more instead. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jan 3, 2023 18:20:39 GMT -5
Ive been there. And worse for me, I type it all in my mobile. Lol. FWIW, nowadays, when I feel a full on wall of text coming on, I draft it in a text/notepad application and then copy/paste when Im ready to hit send. By all means... please spear head this. This is our connection, our learning, our pay it forward, and maybe so much more... I believe I found the original EP back in 2010 or 2011. I wish I wasn't hear reading this post but I guess I have been in the staying camp for a very long time. It's been a long journey and I have contemplated on how to tell it. If to tell it. This beautiful forum, with all its understanding people, is still a place that I am both overly free and afraid to say my innermost thoughts. There is a lot of pain held in the lives of those who come here and if we can help one single person find their way out, perhaps that's a win. I don't mean to imply divorce is the only answer but rather standing up for your needs and metaphorically putting on our own life jacket. Dammit! I had a two-pager ready to roll, and it timed out. grrrr. I’ll maybe try again… |
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angelwanderer
New Member
currently podcasting on Dirty Rabbit Hole
Posts: 12
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by angelwanderer on Jan 8, 2023 4:59:56 GMT -5
I'm here too. I'm a lurker AND a participant, around since EP days, currently on sexlessmarriage.yuku.com (similar site) My sexless marriage lasted 10 years and now I'm free of the marriage but suffer a kind of PTSD. I've watched plenty of people come and go from forums like these. Most are looking for answers to their own sexless marriages -- for some kind of key that unlocks a secret door -- and some are brave enough to say who they are and how they feel. (There is a smaller cohort hoping to find a partner who is in a similar situation.) New Arrivals as I See Them: - Knowing they aren't the only one's suffering matters a great deal.
- Getting words out fulfils an emotional need.
- There is no quick fix to find anywhere among the pages.
- It's easy to offend readers, taking only a word to do it.
- Not everyone wants to date.
Our sexless partners create a problem in our lives that is not unlike those experienced when marrying an alcoholic (or equivalent) where the spouse is causing problems in the marriage but is either unaware of them or unable to do anything about them. Our love for our partners and our belief in their ability to change for the better doesn't falter, but we're affected each time we give them another chance and then they fail. The cycle keeps going, ruining us bit by little bit. "God grant me the serenity to accept the thing I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference." We can't change our spouses. If change is to happen, it'll come from within us (not them) and we need mountains of courage to do it (whatever your 'change' means to you). Peace to accept the situation helps a great deal, and so too does knowing the differences between what is changeable and what isn't. All three lines pack a powerful punch and can be applied to any part of life. I couldn't change my wife, so I changed me instead. In the end, life got better. (Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!) Fairy tales are nice but they're for books and children's stories. We have to be fair to ourselves. This isn't Kansas and never will be. I think there are a lot of people out there suffering silently, those we don't know about -- not just the lurkers -- but those who haven't yet done the online research to find this place. -A |
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