|
|
Post by JMX on Jun 10, 2016 18:44:51 GMT -5
Sorry for the blow-by-blow updates - and, truly, his Mr. nice guy act a couple of nights ago had me grabbing for the wine, so my last update was a little... Soaked.
So - guess what? He had a really bad day at work yesterday. This is the week of his 90 day review when he *should* be getting a raise and *should* be getting health insurance for he and the girls. His review may even be next week.
Long story short, someone down the line messed up an "order" after he had finished it and he got blamed for it (that's at least his story). They took a substantial portion of his work away and gave him the orders on top of his work left over instead, restructured who was his actual boss. He woke up at 1:30 am last night and could not get back to sleep.
He said today that work was really strange today and he felt uneasy. He said he almost used the time awake last night to put his resume together because he was worried about it. He feels slightly better than he did yesterday, but I know he is still stressed and upset.
Why am I sad for him? I feel like the restructure wouldn't have happened if this was the first time something like this had happened. It was easily fixable (according to him) and in the end, not a big deal. But maybe most of his work is wrong or sloppy? I just don't know.
And I cannot help but feel bad for him.
And then I think - well, he never feels bad for you. When you are stressed or upset, he never offers to talk about it and he never offers a hug. Stop worrying about his feelings!!!!
But, I cannot help it. I am worried about his feelings because this kind of thing keeps happening and I know he feels really shitty about it.
I have to bring up compromise again this weekend and I am not looking forward to it. He has been burying his head in the sand and ignoring it hoping I will forget or change my mind through his good works.
But, he still has his job and I need to do this before he loses it. Lawyer is writing everything up on Wednesday for me regardless if we compromise or not.
I am trying to bolster my strength to approach the topic again this weekend. I am such a spineless noodle.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 10, 2016 18:50:44 GMT -5
JMX - you are not a spineless noodle. You are a sweet and kind lady that has a caring heart. You just stay on the momentum train and work on your future happiness!
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 10, 2016 19:02:33 GMT -5
It's the give and take of a relationship. He is taking. Sucking the sympathy out of you! Which he knows how to play that card. And you are obliging . It's your nature, personality, upbringing, it's your normal caring unselfish behavior. This time is different you are noticing the one sided attitude and beginning to think about yourself . It's time to give him a " gee don't know what to tell ya!" And take the kids out for some ice cream!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2016 20:13:20 GMT -5
I'm sorry his job distress is adding to your burdens. You're so strong, imagine what you will accomplish after you lose the 200-ish pound man-shaped millstone around your neck!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2016 21:56:44 GMT -5
JMX, I get it. I know what it's like to worry about somebody and hurt for him - even if his problems are of his own making. But what I've discovered is that, if that person is your spouse or partner - it's terrible. Those two states of mind do NOT mix.
|
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Jun 10, 2016 21:58:37 GMT -5
JMX, I get it. I know what it's like to worry about somebody and hurt for him - even if his problems are of his own making. But what I've discovered is that, if that person is your spouse or partner - it's terrible. Those two states of mind do NOT mix. Can you expound? Not sure what you mean here? I am sure I am missing the point  |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2016 22:13:27 GMT -5
JMX, it's like you are trying to have two different relationships with one person. In one relationship, you are (or were) trying to be his wife. Which means being both s lover and a friend, and both of you being adults, giving and taking, and both contributing, both doing your part to delight and nurture each other. In the other relationship, you're more like the mom of a kid maybe 10 or 11 years old. Because he's rather immature, he gets into situations like the one you described at his job. It doesn't sound to me like he screws up out of spite - he just sounds irresponsible. Same man - same mind in the same body. But the relationship you have with him is the caretaking kind - even though for years, you have wanted the couple relationship with someone who can be a real partner.
|
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Jun 10, 2016 22:16:46 GMT -5
Thank you for explaining. And, of course you are right. I just HATE doing this, even though it is already rolling.
|
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on Jun 11, 2016 0:43:32 GMT -5
It is a shitty thing to have to do, and you knew it was going to be. It was also almost inevitable that something would come up to make you feel especially sorry for him because let's face it that happens every 5 minutes in your house!
You are strong and you can do this, and you have absolute respect from me for doing it without sacrificing your humanity and cutting off from your husband completely. It is a much harder road to walk but I think you will look back and like yourself much better as a result.
|
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 11, 2016 7:00:34 GMT -5
JMX , it's like you are trying to have two different relationships with one person. In one relationship, you are (or were) trying to be his wife. Which means being both s lover and a friend, and both of you being adults, giving and taking, and both contributing, both doing your part to delight and nurture each other. In the other relationship, you're more like the mom of a kid maybe 10 or 11 years old. Because he's rather immature, he gets into situations like the one you described at his job. It doesn't sound to me like he screws up out of spite - he just sounds irresponsible. Same man - same mind in the same body. But the relationship you have with him is the caretaking kind - even though for years, you have wanted the couple relationship with someone who can be a real partner. smartkat, you are a smart cat! So perceptive!! My cousin did this for 25 years with her husband. A good guy and smart. But always a victim, he knew exactly how to play her so as to not leave. Either BIG MONEY was on its way from some deal OR hang in there with me, I have been screwed over again. Last year, she filed, they split, he quit his job to avoid paying her (after only 3 months) but she is resolved and says "the sorry to hear about that" now pay up. She has become mechanical and uses the court, she is no longer is caretaker/mother. Note: I hate the idea of divorce, I hate what we all go through but it is nice to see the occasional break through. |
|
|
|
Post by nyartgal on Jun 11, 2016 9:02:57 GMT -5
It is a shitty thing to have to do, and you knew it was going to be. It was also almost inevitable that something would come up to make you feel especially sorry for him because let's face it that happens every 5 minutes in your house! You are strong and you can do this, and you have absolute respect from me for doing it without sacrificing your humanity and cutting off from your husband completely. It is a much harder road to walk but I think you will look back and like yourself much better as a result. INEVITABLE is the key word here. Self-sabotage is a characteristic of a lot of manipulation, whether it's conscious or not. My ex was a textbook passive aggressive and self-sabotage in the workplace is a cornerstone of that personality type/disorder. In any case, his timing is suspiciously impeccable. |
|
|
|
Post by itsjustus on Jun 17, 2016 15:18:46 GMT -5
Sorry for the blow-by-blow updates - and, truly, his Mr. nice guy act a couple of nights ago had me grabbing for the wine, so my last update was a little... Soaked. So - guess what? He had a really bad day at work yesterday. This is the week of his 90 day review when he *should* be getting a raise and *should* be getting health insurance for he and the girls. His review may even be next week. Long story short, someone down the line messed up an "order" after he had finished it and he got blamed for it (that's at least his story). They took a substantial portion of his work away and gave him the orders on top of his work left over instead, restructured who was his actual boss. He woke up at 1:30 am last night and could not get back to sleep. He said today that work was really strange today and he felt uneasy. He said he almost used the time awake last night to put his resume together because he was worried about it. He feels slightly better than he did yesterday, but I know he is still stressed and upset. Why am I sad for him? I feel like the restructure wouldn't have happened if this was the first time something like this had happened. It was easily fixable (according to him) and in the end, not a big deal. But maybe most of his work is wrong or sloppy? I just don't know. And I cannot help but feel bad for him. And then I think - well, he never feels bad for you. When you are stressed or upset, he never offers to talk about it and he never offers a hug. Stop worrying about his feelings!!!! But, I cannot help it. I am worried about his feelings because this kind of thing keeps happening and I know he feels really shitty about it. I have to bring up compromise again this weekend and I am not looking forward to it. He has been burying his head in the sand and ignoring it hoping I will forget or change my mind through his good works. But, he still has his job and I need to do this before he loses it. Lawyer is writing everything up on Wednesday for me regardless if we compromise or not. I am trying to bolster my strength to approach the topic again this weekend. I am such a spineless noodle. Everyone has give you just wonderful advice, not much I can add to it. But just so someone say's it....refuser's have been known to lie a little bit about troubles elsewhere in their life, to gain a little sympathy, especially troubles at work, especially undeserved, unfair troubles. Especially with a spouse that is very kind and nurturing.... That...would be you. Just saying it out loud. Could be wrong....but I've heard of it before. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jun 17, 2016 17:27:22 GMT -5
itsjustus - some people love to be the victim. I have a BIL like that. Of course, he instigates all sorts of shit, but when it comes home to roost he's the one being wronged. And I know someone else who practically goes out of their way to skirt the line, as if doing the minimum is a challenge; then plays the victim when circumstances play out less than perfectly and their effort fails to meet the minimum. In both cases, I think sympathy and support are not helpful. They need some harsh reality to correct their behaviors.
|
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on Jun 17, 2016 17:56:19 GMT -5
I love being the victim and have other people rescue me. I am a lazy ass!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2016 14:25:30 GMT -5
DryCreek: "itsjustus - some people love to be the victim. I have a BIL like that. Of course, he instigates all sorts of shit, but when it comes home to roost he's the one being wronged." My friend "Amy," whom I have mentioned here. This description fits her to a T.
|
|
