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Post by Isabellas39 on Jun 5, 2016 10:01:14 GMT -5
Congratulations ! This is the first and hardest step, but you did not allow fears and other obstacles to get in the way of your pursuit towards the life you desire...I wish you the very best going forward !
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Post by 3000more on Jun 6, 2016 1:42:08 GMT -5
Nice Work JMX!
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Post by Dan on Jun 6, 2016 6:44:05 GMT -5
Props to you.
A hard decision, but excellently timed and executed.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 6, 2016 12:13:14 GMT -5
Hooty-hoo, JMX - - *(mic drop) - - she said: BOOM.
Epic, seriously. Well-played, very very well-played.
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Post by JMX on Jun 7, 2016 6:40:36 GMT -5
Update: got home early Sunday morning and he was still sleeping. I made coffee, and hung out in my room for a bit. He woke up, stuck his head in the doorway and said "oh, hi". I wished him good morning. We avoided each other for the next couple of hours.
I popped in his room and asked if he wanted to talk about any of the details before I picked the oldest up from her slumber party. His answer: "I don't know."
The rest of the day he spent cleaning up the backyard, pressure washing around the pool and fixing the flower beds.
We ate dinner as a family, watched Game of Thrones and Silicon Valley together, went to our respective rooms and went to sleep.
Yesterday he asked if I needed help with older daughter during the day and insisted I drop her off at his work before my appointments - being helpful. Later, he walked down the hallway to leave for work, paused, turned around and came back to my room: "I am leaving for work. Have a good day." He hasn't done that in months.
Home after work, he was cooking and cleaning and following me around, talking to me about work, the yard, etc. a lot of these conversations were framed in "future" things. I was too baffled to say much, and truly, wanted to shake him off my tail. I was busy making my vegetables for dinner and he was following me around the kitchen, inching closer.
Bizarre.
This is what happens when you shred your cred, people. Full-court press of niceness.
I felt sorry for him. I still love him even though I cannot do it anymore. I am sad to hurt him. I am sad it is over and the family has to break up.
Recognizing his pattern and my own, I am still moving forward. But damn, it does feel wrong sometimes. Trying to learn new behaviors I expect of myself through this is very, very hard.
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Post by baza on Jun 7, 2016 7:19:14 GMT -5
Understandably, when one has shred ones cred by crying wolf in the past, the avoidant spouse learns to take ones 'run of the mill' blow ups less than seriously.
However, and as ever, the refuser and the refused are still not on the same page.
I will bet my arse that he has totally misread this present situation, and reckons that there is now a credible threat, and if he plays his cards right, the threat can be hosed down, just like it has been before.
I will bet my arse that he does not, yet, believe that this is it. Finito. Over.
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And I'd counsel you to keep your guard up, because when he DOES realise this IS it / kaput / done, the reaction is likely to be spectacular, highly likely he will 'empty the gun' at you, from a position of having nothing left to lose.
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Feeling for you Sister JMX.
You say that "this is very very hard".
It sure is. Probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 7, 2016 7:23:33 GMT -5
Of course you love him, you have a warm heart and you have been together a long time and raised children together. (Well, kind of together!) It is like kicking a puppy when it is staring up at you with big, wide eyes hoping for a pat.
BUT...
He isn't a puppy. He isn't that cute, and he can't sustain altruistic behaviour for more than a few days at a time without needing a solid week online to recharge. And you know it.
It does feel wrong, it feels very wrong, but mostly because he is pretending to be someone he isn't and you are still looking at the mask and not the person underneath.
You have got this - you can do it.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 7, 2016 9:32:56 GMT -5
I know this one. This verse of the song. My Ex sang this one very well, indeed. It isn't real and it won't last. My mental chorus became: too little, too late, and unlikely to last anyway.
It IS difficult. It made me feel petty and mean sometimes. But he is not the dude I loved. He can "play act" like he is still that life-loving dude, but he ain't - - it's a mask, an act, a "Let's Play Pretend" and sometime soon, sooner or later but probably sooner, the juvenile P/A narcissist will be back. And he is NOT even polite.
Cold hard stares out past the left of his head helped me get the point across. Once, ex commenting that he felt like he was "looking at a GrantGeek I don't even know" - - and then I moved my eyes from the air/space and looked into his and said...maybe you don't. Because he doesn't. We grew different directions and while he was all caught up in him, I was over here changing too. And he never caught any of it.
Too little. Too late. Not likely to last. It's an act. Don't fall for it.
It isn't like this was an idea you are trying on a whim. You have deliberated, sought guidance through prayer, meditation, therapy, and IRS representatives. You know how to adult. You made a grave and serious decision and I know you will stick with it. Don't let him stab you for standing up for yourself.
You got this, sistah. Stay strong.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 9:43:09 GMT -5
JMX, I'm just seeing this thread and hadn't realized you were this far along. Girl, you are rocking it. You know where you are going and you know where you've been. And you aren't heading back, why would you?? My husband plays the nice game too, when he thinks he's in the doghouse or that I've finally had enough. And then he flips a switch, once I'm reeled back in, and we wind up right back where we were. Every. Single. Time. Game over though, right? Because you aren't playing any more. Because you finally realized that you deserve more than the occasional bone he's willing to throw you when he thinks he's in danger of losing you. Some people have to learn things the hard way. Both our husbands sound like that type. You will probably always love him. I will go to my grave loving my husband, regardless of where we end up. But you can love someone from a distance after being very clear that they will NOT be allowed to hurt you anymore. It feels like that's where you're at. People can only love others as much as they love themselves. Sounds to me like he just doesn't have it to give to you. And that is ZERO reflection on you and 100% on him. You got this.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 10:20:59 GMT -5
Hm, now I'm feeling kind of glad that my STBX pretty much starting acting like an ass within hours of me telling him I wanted to divorce. Mine took the "scare the crap out her" tactic to try to get me to cave - not the most endearing choice, but far easier than if he had suddenly started trying to be nice.
I hope Baz is wrong, but I suspect he's hit the nail on the head here. Once your H realizes you aren't playing, he may act out in ways you never suspected. One thing I wish I had done was move out far, far sooner than I did. You might want to at least have a backup plan for if things go south because trust me, living with someone you are divorcing and who is spectacularly pissed off about it is not for the faint of heart. My STBX listened to my phone conversations when I was in my bedroom, constantly ordered me around, intentionally woke me up early every morning by banging around outside my bedroom, etc. It was like being under siege. And just to be clear here, I NEVER thought he would be capable of most of the crap he has pulled so I was mentally and emotionally unprepared. I hope your H doesn't go down this path, but just be wary. And make backup plans.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 7, 2016 10:59:50 GMT -5
Great update JMX! It's when you reach the "I just don't care anymore" that you are most powerful in this "jail".
I still recall after 5 our first years, I gave my W the same deal in writing, agreement to sign and all. I cannot tell you how free I felt and confident, like I could move forward in life.
We will all be waiting for your report as to his next move in this game of emotional chess.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 7, 2016 11:09:43 GMT -5
Update: got home early Sunday morning and he was still sleeping. I made coffee, and hung out in my room for a bit. He woke up, stuck his head in the doorway and said "oh, hi". I wished him good morning. We avoided each other for the next couple of hours. Bizarre. This is what happens when you shred your cred, people. Full-court press of niceness. I felt sorry for him. I still love him even though I cannot do it anymore. I am sad to hurt him. I am sad it is over and the family has to break up. Recognizing his pattern and my own, I am still moving forward. But damn, it does feel wrong sometimes. Trying to learn new behaviors I expect of myself through this is very, very hard. Great update JMX! I'm the same way, we feel sorry, we do not wan to hurt anyone. But yet they hurt us daily and will not accept it. It's when you reach the "I just don't care anymore" that you are most powerful in this "jail".
I still recall after our first 5 years, I gave my W the same deal in writing, agreement to sign and all. I cannot tell you how free I felt, like I could move forward in life. But she cried and agreed to get help. I caved. The rest is history present.
We will all be waiting for your report as to his next move in this game of emotional chess.
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 7, 2016 12:56:42 GMT -5
I felt sorry for him. I still love him even though I cannot do it anymore. I am sad to hurt him. I am sad it is over and the family has to break up. Recognizing his pattern and my own, I am still moving forward. But damn, it does feel wrong sometimes. Trying to learn new behaviors I expect of myself through this is very, very hard. JMX, you are brave. I've been following you for so long now and can imagine how sad and tough this is for you. Good luck in a new phase of your life and wishing you happiness. Time for you to shine again. Roll JMX! |
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Post by JMX on Jun 7, 2016 13:26:31 GMT -5
Thank you @lwoetin
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 7, 2016 13:55:26 GMT -5
You got his card marked this time lady. Keep your game face on at all times.
You are inspiring us all. Go go go!!! Xxx
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