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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 22, 2020 20:07:16 GMT -5
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Post by sadkat on Oct 22, 2020 21:39:51 GMT -5
This is another very good article greatcoastal. Thank you for sharing it. I didn’t need to read far to reaffirm I am simply not ready for the dating world. There’s a lot to be said for the statement at the end- “it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship “. |
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Post by baza on Oct 22, 2020 22:06:24 GMT -5
Another good find in the linked article from you Brother greatcoastal . You really seem to have a knack of sourcing relevant and helpful material for the group. This one by Ellen Nguyen is clearly suggesting that sorting your own shit out is a good policy .... and even gives the readers some hints/tips about how you might go about that. |
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Post by saarinista on Oct 23, 2020 16:59:49 GMT -5
This is another very good article greatcoastal. Thank you for sharing it. I didn’t need to read far to reaffirm I am simply not ready for the dating world. There’s a lot to be said for the statement at the end- “it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship “. This article also makes me wonder if some of us will ever be ready for divorce. I can't imagine ever going through a divorce and then being good enough to date again, according to the standards of that article, so why should I leave? Who wants a 60 year old woman anyway? Screw it. Might as well just stay numb and coast toward death. In principle, I agree with the article, but in reality I can't imagine meeting all of those criteria ever. Do we have to be perfectly self actualized to be worthy of finding love? That's pretty damned impossible, I think. |
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Post by Handy on Oct 23, 2020 17:10:43 GMT -5
Saarinista
Who wants a 60 year old woman anyway?
Sixty sounds good to me. What I would look for is not age, but compatibility.
And no, a partner does not have to be perfect, just compatible.
I often think there would be some good matches of ILIASM people if they lived close to each other.
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Post by baza on Oct 23, 2020 18:40:56 GMT -5
I think the underlying message in the article by this Ellen Nguyen is the advisability of sorting out ones own shit.
And I think that the underlying message is applicable whether you are -
- in an ILIASM shithole
- out of an ILIASM shithole
- single
- in a new relationship
- in any situation you care to name
I also think that sorting out your own shit is a task one will never finish.
There's always more shit to sort out (unless you are Mahatma Ghandi or someone like that)
Sorting out ones' own shit is an ongoing process, not an end goal.
If you take an attitude that you are not going to do *X* until such time as you have sorted ALL your shit out, then you'll never do *X*. Because you'll never reach a point where you've achieved such a state of perfection.
I reckon that if today you have sorted out some shit you identified in October 2019 then that's a tick in the Win column.
And if you've identified more shit and sorted it out by October 2021 that's another Win.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 23, 2020 18:50:51 GMT -5
This is another very good article greatcoastal . Thank you for sharing it. I didn’t need to read far to reaffirm I am simply not ready for the dating world. There’s a lot to be said for the statement at the end- “it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship “. This article also makes me wonder if some of us will ever be ready for divorce. I can't imagine ever going through a divorce and then being good enough to date again, according to the standards of that article, so why should I leave? Who wants a 60 year old woman anyway? Screw it. Might as well just stay numb and coast toward death. In principle, I agree with the article, but in reality I can't imagine meeting all of those criteria ever. Do we have to be perfectly self actualized to be worthy of finding love? That's pretty damned impossible, I think. i'd like to try to answer that for you. My thoughts will most likely be sporadic and not well written ,but here goes. Was I "ready" for my divorce? No. Was I ready to live in an empty house, rather than live 'together' with an empty spouse? Yes. After...multiple "tipping points", "nails in the coffin", "aha moments", "red flag alerts" etc... The being good enough to date again, came much later. The decision ,and process of divorce, took about 4 yrs. The healing process, continues. Who wants a 60 yr old woman? I do! I did! Me... in my mid 50's after my divorce. ( I am now with a woman in her younger 50's- not some woman in her 20's or 30's as too many people would lead you to believe as 'the norm') Now...about the criteria and standards? 1) You are emotionally unavailable. That was me. But I did speak to other woman about that very topic as I was beginning to heal. Mostly in my divorce recovery group, and after. Sometimes in a dating setting. Hey, what's wrong with sharing with someone else who's been there! I was beginning to stick my toe in the water. That's also part of dating. " Tell me about your past?" ie: that time you went through, being emotionally unavailable. 2)You can't specify what you're looking for. That was a big one for me. I remember saying " I don't know what I want. I think I know, but I'm not sure. I feel unworthy after decades of rejection". Well...it took leaving, and getting out there ,for me to realize that I was worthy of so much more than the way I had allowed myself to be treated. I'm nowhere near being "PERFECTLY self actualized", but I am so much MORE ahead in that field than I was when stuck in my SM. It took physically and mentally detaching myself., then, slowly rediscovering what I was looking for through some trial and error. ( I've posted examples in the past) 3) You don't know what you bring to the table. This was me too, after decades of living in my isolated bubble of a world. As the article says, I invested in myself! Went back to school, went back into the workforce, live single in my own home, raise my kids as a single adult, fulfilled my needs (including sexual) not just my children's needs, and stopped putting myself last. There is much about YOU saarinista that is very worthy of loving! And will remain with you until death. Sadly much of it gets suppressed due to your environment. Something you will have to decide to change. |
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Post by saarinista on Oct 23, 2020 19:12:48 GMT -5
The point is though it's difficult to meet people. I don't know. Maybe I'm having a bad day. Maybe I think it's better just to have open marriages. Sorry to hijack the thread.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 23, 2020 19:57:48 GMT -5
Don’t divorce unless you are sure you’d be happier being forever single than remaining married.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 23, 2020 20:02:47 GMT -5
The point is though it's difficult to meet people. I don't know. Maybe I'm having a bad day. Maybe I think it's better just to have open marriages. Sorry to hijack the thread. No worries  And I don't think you hijacked the thread. It is difficult to meet people with all of this Covid,covid,covid.... going on! I can't imagine entering the dating scene right now! Even my own woman and myself have been very limited in the past few months about going out anywhere! Another ,new beginning, for me is the two of us meeting people as a 'couple'. That's new ground for us too! Then comes the 'judgement' in certain circles of people, because we are not married. Part of me does not want to deal with it, and part of me is willing to go out there and take the risk. Hoping to build new friendships with other people (couples and singles) again. |
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Post by saarinista on Oct 23, 2020 20:49:44 GMT -5
Don’t divorce unless you are sure you’d be happier being forever single than remaining married. Then I'll never divorce. |
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Post by warmways on Oct 23, 2020 21:15:39 GMT -5
saarinista, just allow possibilities - you never know what's going to happen...let yourself keep discovering what works for you and makes you happy. I had to be soooo patient and forgiving of myself and by doing that I was able to take tin baby steps and take two steps forward and ten steps back and back and forth to finally realizing I had to take the plunge and divorce...there's no right or wrong, it's just what works best for you and only you know that.
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Post by Handy on Oct 25, 2020 12:32:42 GMT -5
Vitruvius, I agree with you and say "rock on" "thumbs up" and "way to go."
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 25, 2020 12:40:20 GMT -5
Author=" saarinista I can't imagine ever going through a divorce and then being good enough to date again, according to the standards of that article, .....I can't imagine meeting all of those criteria ever. Do we have to be perfectly self actualized to be worthy of finding love? That's pretty damned impossible, I think. I don't know you, I haven't read your back story nor have I read this particular article but I can say with full confidence; Fuck this Author! I was over at another website earlier today & read something that spoke to me, important words that I think counterbalance the moralistic judgemental attitude perpetrated by this & a thousand other similar statements pervading the net. The words were as follows: "Stop telling people that no one will love them until they love themselves. Stop planting the idea in peoples' brains that they are unworthy of love because of their own struggles". We are all human, all faulty in some ways & always a work in progress. We don't have forever on this rock & each day we have one less. Aim to heal & become a better person by all means but deciding to intentionally avoid the possibility of joy in your life until you've reached someone else's arbitrarily defined state of self awareness guarantees you miss out on many days of happiness & maybe even a little sexual fulfilment.[/quote] Yes, you obviously did not read it. You missed the warnings of the dangerous things that can happen to you, if you jump right into dating after a divorce. Please, by all means post other stories from other websites, on here. No one is stopping you. But if you think "fuck the author" for something you haven't read, gets you brownie points.... you're sadly mistaken. No wonder so many people no longer post here. Your comment is rude and arrogant. |
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Post by saarinista on Oct 25, 2020 14:35:14 GMT -5
greatcoastal I thought the article had some good points but I think Vitruvius makes some good points too. I personally could never say with certainty that I'd rather be alone forever before choosing to divorce, either. If that's the standard for choosing to divorce I never will. I'm a childless only child. Everyone has a different situation. There are no guarantees or certainties in the world.
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And I don't think you hijacked the thread. It is difficult to meet people with all of this Covid,covid,covid.... going on! I can't imagine entering the dating scene right now! Even my own woman and myself have been very limited in the past few months about going out anywhere!
