Ready for dating, right after a divorce?

No, not at all.

Of course everything is relative. After a long time, it's hard to remember what happiness even is. Or know if I'm capable of being happy.

Moreover, after years of misery, it's hard to summon the energy to get divorced, move and start over and create a completely new life.

Not only that, but I'm unemployed in a pandemic now. It's not just a matter if money. It's a matter of having a job to focus on other than "sexless wife."

Everyone is different. I'm not saying I'd never divorce. I'm just saying I could not be certain I'd be happier alone than staying in this sexless marriage forever. I AM certain it's a friendship and not a real marriage any more.

Who knows? Maybe I'll change my mind.

Well, this has turned into an interesting discussion. I don’t think there are any certainties in life. One must take risks to be happy. Leaving a marriage will always be a risk as there is no guarantee of happiness on the other side. For me, it was literally an issue of survival- I knew I had to take the risk. But I had no certainty that I’d be happier outside my marriage. Now that I’ve been out off my marriage for a year, I’ve realized how much I lost myself in trying to be someone I thought my husband could love. It’s taken me a while to rediscover who I am and what is important to me. Now I’m working on loving myself. I’m sure you’ve all read many articles about the need to love yourself. I always thought I did. But now I’m realizing that I really didn’t. I didn’t accept myself for who I was. Instead, I tried to change in order to make others happy. I didn’t recognize those needs that I wouldn’t compromise on (hello SM!). You cannot love yourself and deny your needs at the same time. This is why this article was so helpful to me. It reinforced that I must love myself enough to walk away if my needs are not being met. If I don’t know what my needs are, how can I recognize if they are being met? Let me also tell you that recognizing those needs that are so important to you is much easier said than done- especially when you’ve been in a long term relationship and worked as hard as I did to change who you are.

In the case of saarinista- you are simply not ready and that is perfectly ok. You will know when you are ready. Until then, make the best of your situation and start working on identifying who you really are, what’s important to you, and learning to love yourself enough to walk away if your needs are not being met. That’s all any of us can do, regardless of whether or not we decide to stay or leave.

Maybe I missed in the article, but my read was “Don’t date until you have your own shit sorted out”.

On one hand I agree with the idea of “don’t contaminate the dating pool if you aren’t ready for dating”. On the other hand, healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum either. It takes more than time to heal wounds.

What I would agree with is the idea of being both introspective (probably involving support from a therapist) and open with prospective love interests. The real dysfunction arises when these two things don’t happen and someone who’s broken doesn’t know it or won’t admit it.

Will someone find you attractive? What qualities are really important now that you’re free? (It’s be easy to rebound with a whole new set of problems because you only focus on what was deficient before.) Do you even remember how to kiss? How often do you really “need” sex, and how much intimacy? Do you have kinks you never realized?

All these things and more are discovered through trial and error, and some of them are necessary for the healing and sanity check - and yes, the new relationship may be doomed from the start. Don’t mislead a potential partner, but be comfortable with an awkward recovery period; it’s OK to walk before you learn to run.

I'd just add that sorting out your own shit can be enhanced (or hindered) by ones environment.

For example, if you are in an ILIASM shithole, your ability to sort out your own shit is somewhat hindered by those circumstances as you have to deal with the spot fires that relationship throws up. And that lessens your time and concentration available to address your own shit.

If you are out of your ILIASM shithole, your ability to sort your own shit out is enhanced, as you are not busy engaged in trying to put out the spot fires of an ILIASM deal.

Then, of course, the issue may involve a new relationship a bit further down the track.

If it does (and that often seems to be the case - take Sisters elynne nyartgal @lonelywify and Brothers shamwow thebaffledking ironhamster as examples) then that new relationship can be a great environment to assist you sort out your own shit.
And, I would imagine that if you got into another ILIASM deal, that would NOT enhance your ability to sort out your own shit.

What I an suggesting here is that your environment is going to play a major role in you sorting out your own shit.
Your environment is either going to help - or hinder - that process.

Personally, I think that the environment of being in an ILIASM deal is the worst possible environment to be trying to sort your shit out from.

That's not to say that you can't sort your shit out (at least to some extent) whilst in an ILIASM deal.
It IS saying that being in an ILIASM deal is going to slow ones progress significantly.

That's been my personal experience ... and what I've observed in heaps of stories on this board.

Footnote.
I was trying to sort my own shit out whilst in my ILIASM deal. Progress was pretty slow.
I got out of that in late 2009. Progress in sorting my own shit out took off like a rocket in comparison.

If one actively worked on one of these areas each week. One would have a healthy R and a much better catch at the end of the time frame one picked.

Pure and simple, I really never got a quality R from holding one hand and grabbing another hand snappy.
I do have to wait for sex because I get flooded with oxytocin.
My therapist said for me to find casual sex and just wait a year! I couldn't believe my ears! Could not do casual sex. I just waited and it was torture at ti mes. I  think I brought a better me to the table after the year. I was able to be in the present! Not be so torn up and be emotionally available. I learned that it wasn't an interview of sorts, just go have fun!

Word to wise, don't have the spinach fettuccini! It got in my teeth and when I saw it, the date was over! laughed so hard! He never said a word!

I get it! Yes, we don't have to be perfect, but that said, "the best way to get over a R is to get back in one" is pure fun, but nuts! Those were my worst R's

If we are focusing on the article itelf, it's correct with great pointers

You out did yourself GreatCoastal💋

saarinista... to put not-so-fine-a-point on the issue, H is also looking at a reduction of assets in the event of a divorce. So you may find that he is more open than you think to alternatives that avoid it, such as a don’t-ask-don’t-tell arrangement.

Yeah, I get that. But I'm not about trying to blackmail him into "letting me" have friends on the side in exchange for me agreeing to not screw him over financially.

I'm not going to screw him over regardless. He's a good man. We don't have children. Our marriage has always been one of equal financial and (more or less) household responsibility, though stuff has happened where my financial input has lagged in recent years. I'm trying to fix that which is damned hard in a pandemic.

I've already talked in general terms about "don't ask, don't tell" arrangements with him. He wasn't thrilled, but I think he would eventually be amenable eventually, maybe.

We have an unusual marriage where I feel like we are almost more like siblings now than spouses. I would truly prefer to make this a win win. I don't hate him in any way. I care about him and we've shared 20+ years together. Things change, though. But why does that mean I have live without sex until I die? No fair!