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Post by jerri on Oct 12, 2020 14:28:16 GMT -5
It's okay to love someone dearly, love the affection, fun sex, dinners and still know that our families are number one at all times. Nice to love two people and I don't have to hate my H. I can love and respect both and know my place. We don't have to tear down families. I am just borrowing her husband for a moment in time
We even helped each other make our marriages stronger with books.
My fun friend even makes meals for my H and I send him back with his wife's faves. Haha
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Post by TMD on Oct 14, 2020 22:27:02 GMT -5
It's okay to love someone dearly, love the affection, fun sex, dinners and still know that our families are number one at all times. Nice to love two people and I don't have to hate my H. I can love and respect both and know my place. We don't have to tear down families. I am just borrowing her husband for a moment in time We even helped each other make our marriages stronger with books. My fun friend even makes meals for my H and I send him back with his wife's faves. Haha I agree. I think that I became discomforted by the affair because I really don’t want to be in my marriage. I do have a way of defaulting to, “all or nothing,” thinking sometimes. In this case, I am compelled to lighten my load so I can have more time to reflect and plan my way out. Do your spouses know of you both? And maybe I’m just tired of living a double life. This year has been extraordinary for all of us. For me, my depression more evident, and anxiety... the kind that comes with a tight chest and heart palpitations at random moments. I do not hate my spouse. The more I reconcile my stuff, the better things are between us (less intimacy). I am happy to have arrived at this point. Less angst in our home. |
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Post by jerri on Oct 14, 2020 22:35:44 GMT -5
Yes, but first I told H in a state of anxiety and desperation, that I needed intimacy and sex and I would be stepping out of the marrige for sex.
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Post by TMD on Oct 15, 2020 11:56:19 GMT -5
Yes, but first I told H in a state of anxiety and desperation, that I needed intimacy and sex and I would be stepping out of the marrige for sex. I admire you for being honest with your spouse. Hindsight is 50/50. I would tell spouse now. In fact, it’s time for another convo with him: boundary setting, expectations, steps towards formal dissolution of marriage. This kind of stuff used to scare the hell out of me. But I find that I am now improved/ capable of being clear/direct and kind. Took a course at work in last few years, “Crucial Conversations.” It’s helped me frame/translate/deliver my thoughts well. There’s a book of the same name, if anybody is interested. |
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Post by saarinista on Oct 15, 2020 12:05:57 GMT -5
Honesty with our spouses. What a concept. Honesty with ourselves. An even more amazing concept! 😏🤦♀️
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Post by TMD on Oct 15, 2020 12:17:26 GMT -5
LOL. You made me laugh out loud while sitting at the ortho with youngest.
Yeah. I grew up in a VERY conservative household. I had to be a certain way. I’ve been living my life for others for so long; so much unlearning to do. I didn’t learn (am still learning?) how to honour who I am and be clear (honest) with others about my boundaries.
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Post by jerri on Oct 15, 2020 13:33:29 GMT -5
I do support affairs, especially since they were less than honest about not getting sex. The list goes on about all the subjects that they are not honest about when they don't want sex. I just believe that once someone makes the decision to lie, keep on doing it because the affair is something they should take to their grave.
In hindsight my H wanted to know that I was getting sex elsewhere, he just didn't want any information after that. It was hard at first. I wanted intimacy and he was so upset that he could not give me anything but hurt expressed through anger. He taught me little by little that he wanted no news.
The difference is when one is in a normal R both want sex. But in a sexless marrige we are giving nothing away that they want anyway. They had a choice to give us sex, but at the same time they wish to take our choice away to have attention, intimacy and sex. Then we are not supposed to take away thier choice to have sex elsewhere or leave? (Which supposedly we are taking away since we are not telling them that we are having sex elsewhere) But they can cheat us out of affection and fun filled sex? That's why I believe in so called "cheating" and I have only known one therapist to see it that way. Other therapists say it is too messy. Well of course it is,the marrige is torn little by little after that unless we stop it! And it's really hard to be kind when they are being really nasty!
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Post by TMD on Oct 16, 2020 10:05:18 GMT -5
Isn’t it societal norms, jerri, that have told us we are supposed to get married and remain monogamous forever more (or, rather, sexless?). If we* weren’t so narrow minded, perhaps we wouldn’t find ourselves navigating dead bedrooms. And having to justify cheating/affairs. I really never felt like I should have to explain it. In fact, when I consider a relationship post-marriage, I am not comfortable with a conventional bound-forevermore to one person IF that means my partner is incapable of thinking outside the box. *the general we |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 21, 2020 3:30:44 GMT -5
Honesty with our spouses. What a concept. Honesty with ourselves. An even more amazing concept! 😏🤦♀️ I wasn't truly honest with my ex until the day I told her I was done. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 21, 2020 3:35:22 GMT -5
LOL. You made me laugh out loud while sitting at the ortho with youngest. Yeah. I grew up in a VERY conservative household. I had to be a certain way. I’ve been living my life for others for so long; so much unlearning to do. I didn’t learn (am still learning?) how to honour who I am and be clear (honest) with others about my boundaries. There is nothing wrong with living your life for others so long as you still have a core of "you" in there. I sacrifice for my family today just as I did when I was in my SM. The difference today, however, is that it is no longer a one way street. Please note: It took a long time, a lot of changes, and, yes, more sacrifices to reach this happier place. |
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Post by TMD on Oct 21, 2020 21:30:56 GMT -5
shamwow - today I was thinking about boundaries. I called off my affair. We hadn’t spoken since that convo. He texted on Sunday with a question. One he won’t reveal until we talk. He said it has something to do with the, “mood,” of that day. I’m getting to my point... I am reluctantly willing to have the conversation, whatever it is about. Reluctant is the key. I’m not really willing. I feel like it’s only fair, if he has a question. But it won’t change anything. So I don’t see the point. Hence reluctant. And here is where boundaries come in. Suddenly they feel present, strong. I will listen. I may not even have an answer for him. And I’m okay with that. I don’t actually owe him anything. I won’t stretch myself to accommodate his need for clarification if I don’t have it. Once upon a time I would have attempted to make the other person feel comfortable, ease their concerns. But I’m not responsible for his stuff. He is. So boundaries are clearer to me. I’m good with giving to my kids. That is a non-issue. It’s my role. I’m happy to do so. No obligation. Will they get a positive response to every request or need? Lol. No. But I’ll be here to show them how to forge ahead with a life that deserves to be lived. Uh. I’m tired. I think I might have a cold. Damn Covid. Causes so much uncertainty. I am rambling.
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Oct 23, 2020 8:03:31 GMT -5
Isn’t it societal norms, jerri , that have told us we are supposed to get married and remain monogamous forever more (or, rather, sexless?). If we* weren’t so narrow minded, perhaps we wouldn’t find ourselves navigating dead bedrooms. And having to justify cheating/affairs. I really never felt like I should have to explain it. In fact, when I consider a relationship post-marriage, I am not comfortable with a conventional bound-forevermore to one person IF that means my partner is incapable of thinking outside the box. *the general we I agree with you tmd so much of our lives (and happiness) get sacrificed under pressures to conform. When I was growing up it was unthinkable there might be an alternative to what now gets called the 'relationship escalator'. I do mean literally unthinkable because when we aren't given words for a concept it's not possible to think it. It was only by seeking out solutions online that I came across all these novel ways to live; I try not to regret how long it took me.
For now, my H and I are in agreement to continue living together but the plan is to ultimately have separate living spaces where we can have privacy and do our own thing; have whoever we want come to visit/sleepover. Part of me wonders if we could have avoided years of unhappiness by setting up our living arrangements like that from the start. Regardless of whether my H and I end up divorcing officially there is no appeal for me in getting married again or living with a partner full time again. I think lovers living next door to each other might be my ideal :-)
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 28, 2020 5:36:09 GMT -5
.... But I’m not responsible for his stuff. He is. That may be the first law of happiness. We never have control over other their stuff. Taking responsibility for something we have no control over is an surefire path to frustration and misery. The corollary to this is I must own and embrace my stuff. No one else can be responsible for my stuff. |
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Post by TMD on Nov 15, 2020 13:41:35 GMT -5
timedelay, I love the idea of lovers living next door to one another. Space, solitude is as important to me as connection is.
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Post by TMD on Nov 15, 2020 13:56:20 GMT -5
timedelay, I love the idea of lovers living next door to one another. Space, solitude is as important to me as connection is. Speaking of which, I am craving connection. I am very uncomfortable this weekend. And, yet, I am steadfast in that I want to stay in this discomfort. I need to face it. Despite the fact that it feels like a mounting anxiety episode. I did speak with my former affair partner a few days ago. We connected by phone so he could ask his question. He was concerned that he did something specific to make me end things. No. He didn’t. And I think he understands. Here’s what happened on my end, however: I was so happy to hear his voice. I didn’t expect that feeling. I was calm and listened; I responded with careful consideration. And we had a good chat. I do miss him. But I am not willing to reveal that to him. At the end of convo, he asked if the door might be open at all. Quick sidebar: he had mentioned that I was cold towards the end of our in-person break up. I told him it was because I was afraid if I gave an inch, he’d want a mile (this is me in my all or nothing thinking trying to set boundaries). Back to the figurative door. We laughed. I said it’s the same as the inch. And how much exactly did he want? An inch? A mile? We laughed again. And the call ended. And I felt sad. And then I dreampt about him. And woke with unease. I texted a simple, “hello,” last night; a so-called moment of weakness. He was busy and responded after I was asleep. I responded this AM with an pathetic attempt to explain myself and also add that the door closed again. He was more than understanding. And so I sit with my discomfort in an effort to move the dial. See jim44444? I’m trying to take responsibility for my stuff. On that note, our teen kicked us out of house last weekend to have a few friends over (with grotesquely mounting Covid #s, that’s it for having ppl over for a while). I had dinner out with the person I am married to. We even talked about not staying married and being very decent coparents. I’ll chalk that up to some sort of progress. |
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