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Post by TMD on Mar 10, 2020 22:50:37 GMT -5
Depression is very difficult. Tend to self isolate makes depression worse so isolate even more a vicious cycle. I am glad we can support here Yeah. I believe in quiet time to regroup. But too much self isolation is not good. Yes, this place is good. |
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Post by TMD on Mar 10, 2020 22:53:14 GMT -5
rdp62 - hijack away. No worries! But it’s an interesting discussion. At this point, I’m not depressed because of sexless marriage. More that I haven’t done what I need to do. The whole self-preservation thing has been a farce (i.e. 7 year affair). What I need to do is move this marriage to divorce. Stat. And live life on my terms, not for everybody else.
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Post by TMD on Mar 10, 2020 22:53:57 GMT -5
I’m sorry you’re struggling. It’s not easy- any of it. Our stories our similar. I’ve been out 5 months and am still trying to heal. I’ll PM you later this evening to offer more support. You’re not alone. Your message was wonderful. I’ll touch base with you soon. |
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Post by TMD on Mar 10, 2020 22:55:04 GMT -5
I’ve run out of steam. Time for bed. I’ll try to be back tomorrow night. Sweet Dreams.
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Post by JMX on Mar 10, 2020 23:19:01 GMT -5
Hey darlin’
Love you.
You don’t have any feelings that I don’t feel... I just know you are meant for the best things in life.
I love you to pieces. My TMD.
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Post by TMD on Mar 12, 2020 23:05:06 GMT -5
This bit stands out Sister TMD . . . "when I am able to piece myself together to take the necessary steps". That's the key, sorting out your own shit as a priority, working toward a position of empowerment, from which you can deal with these assorted issues from a position of strength. Hard work. You don't seem averse to hard work Sister TMD. Thank you, baza. |
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Post by TMD on Mar 12, 2020 23:13:40 GMT -5
Wow. Sending hugs to you and I am a looooong hugger so no worries! Seriously, my gentle nudge is to tell you to do 1 thing totally for you each day. Just one. Just try to be in that moment and appreciate it. One day at a time is a saying for a reason. Sometimes that is all you can do. My best friend suffers from severe depression and a very stressful life. She has given me some key words and phrases that are helpful for her to hear when she is in a bad place. She will call and just tell me she is in a dark place (at this point I can hear it in her voice so she does not even need to). One of them "It is enough that you are alive right now" is ringing in my head as I think about your situation. Keep breathing. Lots of support here when you need it I needed this reminder. I likely need it everyday — to do just one thing for me. I did do that tonight with a bath. I had asked my AP to, “hold space,” for me. He has, despite the fact that I am tired of being in an affair, been very kind and patient. He does not pressure me whatsoever. Basically, everybody I need everybody I know to, “hold space,” for me because I’m not able to handle extra emotion very well. This video, I am not sure if it’s been posted here, was painful and beautiful. I felt like the child. Ack. Can’t copy video. If inclined, search, “Holding Space - Beautiful Two’s” Thank you for the loooonnng hug. |
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Post by TMD on Mar 12, 2020 23:16:20 GMT -5
I don't see the AP as a pit fall, it is what you needed at that time in your life. Now you can figure it what you want in the next chapter. The SM drove me to planning my suicide as well. I'm sending a big hug and welcoming you back. No, AP wasn’t a pitfall. It was how I needed to learn what I’ve needed to learn. The weird thing? Anybody who remembers my EP posts and those here will remember that I never felt any guilt about it. I made a very clearish choice to have an affair. What’s not so clear are all of the consequences. Some immediate, some took longer. I feel guilt now. I am embarrassed that I didn’t have an open convo with my spouse (although, I don’t feel I can trust him, so can I ever really have an open convo?). I assume you no longer plan suicide? |
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Post by warmways on Mar 28, 2020 22:52:17 GMT -5
TMD,
You’ve suffered enough. You can do this. It’s so hard but one way is you’re getting through this by talking about it. Keep sharing and clarity will come to you. Lots of credit due for taking steps and each towards a what you deserve and need.
Counseling therapy any kind of resources.. all will keep building you up even more. And I do remember you! Hugs. Lots of them.
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Post by rdp62 on Mar 29, 2020 13:23:48 GMT -5
Padgemi
I am glad you are doing better. Living with those thoughts is torture. I understand.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 17, 2020 6:15:34 GMT -5
rdp62 - hijack away. No worries! But it’s an interesting discussion. At this point, I’m not depressed because of sexless marriage. More that I haven’t done what I need to do. The whole self-preservation thing has been a farce (i.e. 7 year affair). What I need to do is move this marriage to divorce. Stat. And live life on my terms, not for everybody else. 7 year affair? Sounds like a second husband! Curious... What was joining up with the AP like for your self-esteem, morale, marriage? |
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Post by TMD on Oct 7, 2020 23:03:04 GMT -5
@mirrorchild - what was it like? It was exhilarating. Definitely a boost to my self-esteem. To his, as well. I count myself lucky to have partnered with an AP who is emotionally stable, reasonable, kind. We didn’t have much drama.
We had amazing intimacy. We grew, sexually. I believe love is real — when all parties are invested. We managed to power through tough situations without giving up. We acted as though we had a relationship. And I liked that pretend life.
After 7 years, with the arrival of COVID and an intense bout of seasonal depression earlier this year, I realized I couldn’t continue in an affair. I wasn’t 100% convinced that I didn’t want to continue the affair until a couple of weeks ago. And I faced it straight on (a significant victory for me because I don’t like to hurt ppl and, in past avoided speaking my truth to save another’s pain.)
I miss him. I miss us. But I’m also focused on me, my kids, and formulating a spouse-free future. So. I am okay. Most of the time.
I digress. I have always maintained that an affair is a bandage. Band aids fall off. I see that now. I am raw, exposed, accountable to me for what I need to do.
But, to your original question, affairs serve a purpose. I think they can help us figure out what we want or don’t want. I won’t debate morals on this topic. To each their own. I highly recommend the book, “When Good People Have Affairs.” Affairs aren’t a one size fits all. There is a myriad of motivations to enter into one. ((I didn’t want to break up my family. Thankfully, I no longer subscribe to the, “break up family,” philosophy. That’s bunk. I’m trying to save myself and offer my kids a wholly healthy mama.)
I don’t recall; have you had an affair MirrorOrchid?
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Post by lessingham on Oct 8, 2020 4:09:02 GMT -5
I understand affairs as either of two things. They are "band aids" helping people stay in a marriage. Or they are stepping stones on the way out. Some affairees sabotage the secrecy to break the marriage.
I am band aid proof, neither husband or affair material.
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Post by baza on Oct 8, 2020 6:39:50 GMT -5
One thing is certain.
And that is that the cheating option is a game changer.
And you never know in advance exactly how it will change.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 8, 2020 6:49:42 GMT -5
@mirrorchild - what was it like? It was exhilarating. Definitely a boost to my self-esteem. To his, as well. I count myself lucky to have partnered with an AP who is emotionally stable, reasonable, kind. We didn’t have much drama. We had amazing intimacy. We grew, sexually. I believe love is real — when all parties are invested. We managed to power through tough situations without giving up. We acted as though we had a relationship. And I liked that pretend life. After 7 years, with the arrival of COVID and an intense bout of seasonal depression earlier this year, I realized I couldn’t continue in an affair. I wasn’t 100% convinced that I didn’t want to continue the affair until a couple of weeks ago. And I faced it straight on (a significant victory for me because I don’t like to hurt ppl and, in past avoided speaking my truth to save another’s pain.) I miss him. I miss us. But I’m also focused on me, my kids, and formulating a spouse-free future. So. I am okay. Most of the time. I digress. I have always maintained that an affair is a bandage. Band aids fall off. I see that now. I am raw, exposed, accountable to me for what I need to do. But, to your original question, affairs serve a purpose. I think they can help us figure out what we want or don’t want. I won’t debate morals on this topic. To each their own. I highly recommend the book, “When Good People Have Affairs.” Affairs aren’t a one size fits all. There is a myriad of motivations to enter into one. ((I didn’t want to break up my family. Thankfully, I no longer subscribe to the, “break up family,” philosophy. That’s bunk. I’m trying to save myself and offer my kids a wholly healthy mama.) I don’t recall; have you had an affair MirrorOrchid? My history up to the present, if you want details is at: iliasm.org/thread/5582/mirrororchid-updateTL;DR version: Feb 2017 Told the Mrs. that the sexlessness "would not stand" May 2017, researched online dating Spring 2018, constructed OKcupid profile seeking married women only. (very nice feature of OKC) Summer 2018 - First date, texting a second. Wife found out. I denied nothing. I hid dating, at first, for fear of failure having introduced risk pointlessly. Fall 2018 - phoned it in for wife's birthday. Spent next 6 months giving our marriage priority over romantic prospects. Fall 2019 - texting second prospect, wife asked if I was going to date again. I said Yes, January, when daughter returned to college (no need explaining why I wasn't home some nights) Winter 2019 - Present Reset. Quite pleasant, slowly declining to minimally adequate. Will be texting second prospect soon for platonic lunch. (fully informed so as not to lead prospect on, she knows about the reset and cheers me on) So, no physical affair. Not even emotional. Didn't get far enough before the reset. The whole long season of planning to date and going on them with some degree of success was exceptional help to my life satisfaction. It's not us. It's our refusers. I'm not trapped. I'm staying and my options remain open. So much better. "The Talk" was largely effective. For now. |
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