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Post by jerri on Oct 8, 2020 15:04:15 GMT -5
Please be gentle with me. I did not come back to be an example of the pitfalls of choosing to have an affair and stay in an SM. Give me a couple of days, okay, Baz? ;-) But in all seriousness, I don’t need a lecture. I have learned much from the members here in years’ past, your words often with me: seek legal advice, make an an informed choice, carry out plan (threats are useless). That much power I do have, when I am able to piece myself together to take the necessary steps. Authors expect SMs to have affairs and I do to! Nothing wrong with doing it! I used to be very judgemental of affairs until I didn't get intimacy. Anytime anyone would tell me about the supposed "cheater" I would think.. I wonder what really happened? But l am am perplexed. You seem to love him and his company, why toss him?
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Post by saarinista on Oct 8, 2020 16:23:44 GMT -5
I was wondering why the affair ended too, TMD
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Post by TMD on Oct 9, 2020 9:45:47 GMT -5
jerri saarinistaI came to. I came to the realization that I was waiting for my AP to rescue me straight out of my marriage. When I realized the absurdity of this, I felt, for the first time, shame in having chosen to continue the affair for as long as I did. Afterall, how would I explain this to my kids? “Oh, you left daddy and now you’re shacked up with some guy we don’t even know!” My girls would have resented the AP. Maybe not always, but to upend their lives and expect them to embrace a new partner? I doubt that would have gone well. Plus, I stayed at home mommed for 10 years and lost my career. In that time, I became economically reliant on my spouse. And I didn’t know how to leave and have no money to pay bills. Over this same period of time, I became insecure, lacked confidence — whereas I used to be independent, confident, successful. I lost touch with me. And now I’ll contradict myself, because the affair showed me the portrait of a healthy intimate relationship. I gained confidence in so many ways. It served to remind me of what i do want. Realizing all of these ^^ things were startling. The affair enabled me to stay safe in my life without discomfort. It enabled my AP to stay in his (adult children, empty nesters). And Covid. Covid forced me to slow down. In quarantine, I had no option but to confront my life. For so long I had been living a dual life. I didn’t even know how exhausted I was. A family, two jobs, social life and a lover. I rarely sat still. I had little time to reflect, contemplate. So, yes, I love my AP. But I have been distracted and need to focus on me so that I can push forward. Perhaps with a cleanish slate. And maybe on the other side, I’ll repartner with the AP.
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Post by TMD on Oct 9, 2020 9:48:58 GMT -5
I understand affairs as either of two things. They are "band aids" helping people stay in a marriage. Or they are stepping stones on the way out. Some affairees sabotage the secrecy to break the marriage. I am band aid proof, neither husband or affair material. For me, the affair served as both.
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Post by TMD on Oct 9, 2020 10:19:16 GMT -5
mirrororchid - I will get back to you. Parents visiting for CDN Thanksgiving. They are distracting! *** Auto correct messed up my tag to you. I fixed it now. I read that you chose to stay and keep your options open. I found that entering into the affair was like a blinding neon sign; I could no longer pretend that I was content in the marriage (or, rather, continue to compromise my being for the veneer of staying married). So be aware of that, should you pursue an AP. Clearly I am a good case in which emotions get tangled up — even though I tried to keep things physical. In the beginning, my AP always wanted to chat and have tea or wine... and i would want to stop the chatter and move straight to the physical part of the visit. 😜
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Post by sweetplumeria on Oct 10, 2020 8:21:30 GMT -5
Give me a couple of days, okay, Baz? ;-) But in all seriousness, I don’t need a lecture. I have learned much from the members here in years’ past, your words often with me: seek legal advice, make an an informed choice, carry out plan [/quote]
HUGS from another EP person who doesn't want a lecture.
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Post by TMD on Oct 12, 2020 12:33:37 GMT -5
I came to the realization that I was waiting for my AP to rescue me ... But I have been distracted and need to focus on me so that I can push forward. Perhaps with a cleanish slate. And maybe on the other side, I’ll repartner with the AP. 💯! Now, promise us forevermore you will look to no one to rescue you, TMD - no one other than person you are now focused on. Raises right hand.. “I promise.”
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Post by TMD on Oct 12, 2020 12:47:38 GMT -5
Give me a couple of days, okay, Baz? ;-) But in all seriousness, I don’t need a lecture. I have learned much from the members here in years’ past, your words often with me: seek legal advice, make an an informed choice, carry out plan HUGS from another EP person who doesn't want a lecture.[/quote] Yeah. I said it with love to Baz. Even though I’m certain my mind doesn’t quite get the Australian accent right. In particular because I changed my SIRI to Australian. But she’s female. The good news? We know what is right for us and will do what se have to do when the time comes.
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Post by TMD on Oct 12, 2020 12:48:03 GMT -5
Give me a couple of days, okay, Baz? ;-) But in all seriousness, I don’t need a lecture. I have learned much from the members here in years’ past, your words often with me: seek legal advice, make an an informed choice, carry out plan HUGS from another EP person who doesn't want a lecture.[/quote] Yeah. I said it with love to Baz. Even though I’m certain my mind doesn’t quite get the Australian accent right. In particular because I changed my SIRI to Australian. But she’s female. The good news? We know what is right for us and will do what se have to do when the time comes.
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Post by jerri on Oct 12, 2020 14:28:16 GMT -5
It's okay to love someone dearly, love the affection, fun sex, dinners and still know that our families are number one at all times. Nice to love two people and I don't have to hate my H. I can love and respect both and know my place. We don't have to tear down families. I am just borrowing her husband for a moment in time
We even helped each other make our marriages stronger with books.
My fun friend even makes meals for my H and I send him back with his wife's faves. Haha
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Post by TMD on Oct 14, 2020 22:27:02 GMT -5
It's okay to love someone dearly, love the affection, fun sex, dinners and still know that our families are number one at all times. Nice to love two people and I don't have to hate my H. I can love and respect both and know my place. We don't have to tear down families. I am just borrowing her husband for a moment in time We even helped each other make our marriages stronger with books. My fun friend even makes meals for my H and I send him back with his wife's faves. Haha I agree. I think that I became discomforted by the affair because I really don’t want to be in my marriage. I do have a way of defaulting to, “all or nothing,” thinking sometimes. In this case, I am compelled to lighten my load so I can have more time to reflect and plan my way out. Do your spouses know of you both? And maybe I’m just tired of living a double life. This year has been extraordinary for all of us. For me, my depression more evident, and anxiety... the kind that comes with a tight chest and heart palpitations at random moments. I do not hate my spouse. The more I reconcile my stuff, the better things are between us (less intimacy). I am happy to have arrived at this point. Less angst in our home.
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Post by jerri on Oct 14, 2020 22:35:44 GMT -5
Yes, but first I told H in a state of anxiety and desperation, that I needed intimacy and sex and I would be stepping out of the marrige for sex.
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Post by TMD on Oct 15, 2020 11:56:19 GMT -5
Yes, but first I told H in a state of anxiety and desperation, that I needed intimacy and sex and I would be stepping out of the marrige for sex. I admire you for being honest with your spouse. Hindsight is 50/50. I would tell spouse now. In fact, it’s time for another convo with him: boundary setting, expectations, steps towards formal dissolution of marriage. This kind of stuff used to scare the hell out of me. But I find that I am now improved/ capable of being clear/direct and kind. Took a course at work in last few years, “Crucial Conversations.” It’s helped me frame/translate/deliver my thoughts well. There’s a book of the same name, if anybody is interested.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 15, 2020 12:05:57 GMT -5
Honesty with our spouses. What a concept. Honesty with ourselves. An even more amazing concept! 😏🤦♀️
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Post by TMD on Oct 15, 2020 12:17:26 GMT -5
LOL. You made me laugh out loud while sitting at the ortho with youngest.
Yeah. I grew up in a VERY conservative household. I had to be a certain way. I’ve been living my life for others for so long; so much unlearning to do. I didn’t learn (am still learning?) how to honour who I am and be clear (honest) with others about my boundaries.
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