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Post by carl on May 10, 2019 19:48:04 GMT -5
I don’t really agree with what the author is saying. In my opinion people who don’t want sex in a marriage have a certain unattractive feeling about them which is difficult for them to hide and wouldn’t make it easy for them to cheat. In my opinion you need warmth, kindness and honesty to enjoy any type of sexual relationship whether it be within or outside of marriage makes no difference. I think that a refuser would be a poor bet and a lousy lover.
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Post by Handy on May 10, 2019 20:10:57 GMT -5
Would this lead to an affair? Maybe yes, maybe no.
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Post by northstarmom on May 10, 2019 20:25:40 GMT -5
Carl said: “ I think that a refuser would be a poor bet and a lousy lover.”
Not true if a refuser married or cohabitated with someone they weren’t attracted to but could find financial support, a good parent for their kids, higher social status with their refuser. Just because the refuser doesn’t have sex with their spouse doesn’t mean they lack attraction to others...,
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Post by Handy on May 10, 2019 21:03:18 GMT -5
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firefollower
Full Member
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Post by firefollower on May 15, 2019 8:22:15 GMT -5
Great article Handy...I suspect this may have been a problem in my relationship over the years. Leading up to my marriage I knew my W had many sexual partners...you could probably characterize her behavior before marriage as even "slutty". I have tried the variety of recommended things...role play, toys...etc. She does seem warm to any of them. It may just come down to me...she is bored with the same old guy. I would not be opposed to opening the marriage provided there were ground rules if I was convinced it would help our sexual relationship. |
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Post by twotimesone on May 15, 2019 8:38:14 GMT -5
Great article Handy...I suspect this may have been a problem in my relationship over the years. Leading up to my marriage I knew my W had many sexual partners...you could probably characterize her behavior before marriage as even "slutty". I have tried the variety of recommended things...role play, toys...etc. She does seem warm to any of them. It may just come down to me...she is bored with the same old guy. I would not be opposed to opening the marriage provided there were ground rules if I was convinced it would help our sexual relationship. It just goes back to what I said about in this thread. The author of the book mentions that many women in this situation are stuck on step #1. They don't necessarily cheat or have affairs because they think it is immoral yet they are "bored" with the same sex partner. So interest in sex with the same partner has diminished thus the reason for the SM. Like I said, I am not saying that it applies to all women, but some women. |
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Post by Handy on May 15, 2019 9:56:57 GMT -5
I am confident SOME women get bored with the same sexual play script some men carry out during sexual play. I have read that comment from several women. My W liked some different approaches to sexual play but at the same time didn't like some of the things I tried. It became darned if I did what worked well in the past and darned if I did something new that I thought would work but she didn't like. Te end result was me not doing many new things because i didn't like the negativity my W displayed when I sometimes tried something a little different. I had a female poster on another forum explain that she and other women liked men that were a bit adventurous, so I tried this forum woman's advice with mixed results. Some ideas worked in the moment but my W had some negative comments to add the next day. The followup day's negative comments gradually reduced my motivation to try very many new things. In general my W had the opinion men got and women gave something during sexual activities. That was a difficult thing for me to contend with. I looked at sexual activity as a give-get for both sides.
Twotimesone The author of the book mentions that many women in this situation are stuck on step #1. They don't necessarily cheat or have affairs because they think it is immoral yet they are "bored" with the same sex partner. [/b][/div]
I am going to agree with the idea women don't lie to cheat. I ran into this when I talked with women that are single. The brought up the idea of not wanting to do much with a married guy (me in this case) because they had internal standards against affairs with married men.
There are a small number of women in SM that might entertain a relationship with a man also in a SM, but I haven't encountered any of those women. Add to that are two common factors, how charming is the man and how much "play money" he has to devote to the affair.
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on May 15, 2019 12:56:07 GMT -5
I agree handy about the trying new things that worked at a previous time and now they are met with....ewwww. Nothing more demoralizing than being sexually vulnerable in the moment of passion and the SO saying..."what are you some kind of pervert?"
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Post by twotimesone on May 15, 2019 15:48:57 GMT -5
I am confident SOME women get bored with the same sexual play script some men carry out during sexual play. I have read that comment from several women. My W liked some different approaches to sexual play but at the same time didn't like some of the things I tried. It became darned if I did what worked well in the past and darned if I did something new that I thought would work but she didn't like. Te end result was me not doing many new things because i didn't like the negativity my W displayed when I sometimes tried something a little different. I had a female poster on another forum explain that she and other women liked men that were a bit adventurous, so I tried this forum woman's advice with mixed results. Some ideas worked in the moment but my W had some negative comments to add the next day. The followup day's negative comments gradually reduced my motivation to try very many new things. In general my W had the opinion men got and women gave something during sexual activities. That was a difficult thing for me to contend with. I looked at sexual activity as a give-get for both sides.
Twotimesone The author of the book mentions that many women in this situation are stuck on step #1. They don't necessarily cheat or have affairs because they think it is immoral yet they are "bored" with the same sex partner. [/b][/div]
I am going to agree with the idea women don't lie to cheat. I ran into this when I talked with women that are single. The brought up the idea of not wanting to do much with a married guy (me in this case) because they had internal standards against affairs with married men.
There are a small number of women in SM that might entertain a relationship with a man also in a SM, but I haven't encountered any of those women. Add to that are two common factors, how charming is the man and how much "play money" he has to devote to the affair.
[/quote] Assuming that would be true. My W don't tell me what she wants and expects me to guess. I asked her if she wants to have some alone time between us and she doesn't seem to be too entertained. I can to so much in trying to ask if she wants to do anything exciting but if she is not subjective to what she wants, I will just stop to bother asking. I do believe there's a difference between asking a single woman and a married woman who is bored in the marriage about the morality of cheating. I'm sure that a single woman would never thought about such a thing whereas a woman who is bored would be tempted. |
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Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2019 16:36:11 GMT -5
It’s easier for a married woman than a married man to find a lover. There are more men than women looking for a sex only relationship.
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Post by saarinista on May 15, 2019 19:53:58 GMT -5
It’s easier for a married woman than a married man to find a lover. There are more men than women looking for a sex only relationship. Perhaps so, but no one has yet asked ME, a woman who would like to have actual sex, to do so. My online buddy seems dedicated to keeping things strictly digital, though I've asked him for more. No other offers are pending, either. So, as always, while overall statistics may be in one's favor, the only thing that matters is your individual results. So far, mine have been abysmal! But now is not forever, and everyone's mileage may vary. That should offer hope to married men looking for extramarital sex, too. You never know. |
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Post by saarinista on May 15, 2019 19:56:27 GMT -5
Folks here are drawing an awful lot of generalizations. Just sayin.'
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Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2019 21:20:16 GMT -5
saarinista said: "Perhaps so, but no one has yet asked ME, a woman who would like to have actual sex, to do so. My online buddy seems dedicated to keeping things strictly digital, though I've asked him for more. No other offers are pending, either."
One is a small sample. I've read here and elsewhere that women who use sites like Ashley Madison have a plethora of offers while men have to work very hard to find possible affair partners there. Sounds like if you want in person sex, you're wasting your time with your on-line buddy and would be better off spending your energy on a more willing prospect.
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Post by Handy on May 15, 2019 21:46:45 GMT -5
Saarinista
So far, mine have been abysmal! I would probably entertain something if the other person lived close. Living so far away creates a few issues. I am the type of person that has to evaluate if something would work for all involved. Most of my employment was evaluated on could I do the job, was the reward reasonable, would the other end of the bargain also benefit. No use starting something that wouldn't work for all involved when it came to work, friends,or other projects is how I generally operate.
Online affairs could be exciting but also depressing. Th depressing part is it would be make believe to a point. Even one on one affairs while in a primary long term relationship with someone else has it ups and downs.
I think I could do an in person, get to know each other thing than an online love type thing. Now , close online relationships where it is beneficial for both, that might work.
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Post by Handy on May 15, 2019 22:08:50 GMT -5
Saarinista
Folks here are drawing an awful lot of generalizations. Just sayin.'
Yes we are (generalizations) but for me I write what I have experienced or was told to me. It doesn't apply to or for everyone but it seemed true for me on a personal basis.
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