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Post by northstarmom on May 20, 2019 5:03:49 GMT -5
Handy: “OTH, I am taking some advice from you lovely ladies in reference to being able to cultivate some more female friends. Male friends too so that is good. I am paying a little more attention to looking better and listening for clues concerning what might be a woman's primary emotional want.”
The women who are real possibilities will tell you if you ask the right questions and listen with empathy. Ask about their interests, hopes, dreams and disappointments. In return, share yours.
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Post by nyctos on May 20, 2019 8:17:28 GMT -5
I know one woman I suspect may be in an SM who may be open to outsourcing. With me, actually.
There are problems, of course -- mainly that we rarely see each other and when we do it's in a public environment. And she's also peripherally associated with some of W's friends.
For right now, all it is is hope.
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Post by Handy on May 20, 2019 13:34:16 GMT -5
Northstarmom
The women who are real possibilities will tell you if you ask the right questions and listen with empathy. Ask about their interests, hopes, dreams and disappointments. In return, share yours.
Once again you are a very wise person and are sharing that wisdom with someone that appreciates the excellent advice. Your suggestions are much better than me thinking I can fix something for a person and win their respect.
Have you ever considered being a "Relationship Coach?" You have the insights to be a very good one.
I have to start concentrating on 4 words, "interests, hopes, dreams and disappointments" and then gradually share mine.
Thank you NSM.
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Post by northstarmom on May 20, 2019 14:05:46 GMT -5
Wow, handy! Thanks for suggesting that I become a relationship coach. I’d love doing that! I real life I’ve been surprised that friends and even acquaintances reach out to me for such advice. I enjoy helping people learn to make platonic and romantic connections and I enjoy helping people get over shyness.
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Post by Handy on May 20, 2019 15:42:21 GMT -5
NSM, I was on another forum for a while and one woman was a career counselor at a college. She did some additional course work and did the career coaching during the day and relationship coaching on the side. What I don't know is what her income from the relationship coaching amounted to or how successful it was.
I was also in a college class (~1990)with a woman (CC) that had a part time dating / screening service. This was before the general population had home Internet service. I listened to other women talking to CC about the in's and out's of going through her service.
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Post by saarinista on May 22, 2019 12:09:32 GMT -5
Handy, just talk to women about your feelings. I have a hard time remembering that is difficult for a lot of men because of the way you are socialized, but I hope you will try it in your real life. I think you're so used to doing for others that it's hard for you to talk about yourself. Hopefully you'll be able to experiment with different ways of relating to people.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 22, 2019 18:52:24 GMT -5
I know one woman I suspect may be in an SM who may be open to outsourcing. With me, actually. There are problems, of course -- mainly that we rarely see each other and when we do it's in a public environment. And she's also peripherally associated with some of W's friends. For right now, all it is is hope. I learned way back in my late 20's that if a married woman is interested in having sex with you she will send you sufficiently strong signals such that there isn't any doubt what she wants. You just need to make sure you don't miss them. And be ready to put a well thought out game plan into effect so you and she can take advantage of any opportunities that present themselves. If she is only peripherally involved with those friends and you are interested in a relationship with her, send out a few signals of your own. |
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Post by Handy on May 22, 2019 19:00:22 GMT -5
Like some other men, I remember several posts by women on other forums talking about "creeps" trying to start a conversation.
Yesterday there was a woman struggling a little to get off an elliptical machine. I smiled and said "I see you beat the machine and didn't let it win." I think she took it to mean some workouts are not easy but she came out on top.
What I do is put myself out there a little bit and wait for the other person (man or woman) to pick up the string and go from there.
If the other person ignores my comment, then I just say to myself, "next." Which means, move on to the next most important thing. People do NOT have to respond to me and I don't want to be a pest.
Saarinista, about what you suggested above, talking to women about my feelings, yes I do somewhat with 2 women friends. I have told several people my W stays home and watches TV and that is one reason I am out and about by myself or with the lady that goes to yoga with me.
Right now I am working on not trying to fix things for women (or some people, including men) to enrich the relationship between the two of us.
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Post by northstarmom on May 22, 2019 21:15:01 GMT -5
Handy said: "Like some other men, I remember several posts by women on other forums talking about "creeps" trying to start a conversation.
Yesterday there was a woman struggling a little to get off an elliptical machine. I smiled and said "I see you beat the machine and didn't let it win." I think she took it to mean some workouts are not easy but she came out on top.
HQNEY What I do is put myself out there a little bit and wait for the other person (man or woman) to pick up the string and go from there."
What you did was a nice, friendly remark, not your acting like a creeper. It's the type of friendly comment that anyone could make to another person.
Examples that have happened to me of men acting like creeps were when I was exercising on a machine that I have used for years and some strange man started telling me how to use it. Blech. Mansplaining. Another time, I was leaning over a machine after finishing a set and when I opened my eyes, some strange man was at eye level staring at me. I startled. That man was being creepy. Ugh.
Another creepy time was when I was on an exercise bike when the man next to me (dressed in dress pants and shoes) asked out of the blue if he knew me. "Maybe I've seen you at Walmart," he said hopefullly. Ugh, no..... That was just plain weird.
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Post by Handy on May 22, 2019 22:02:05 GMT -5
NSM, I empathize with you in those situations and try not to be that creepy guy.
For me it is better to be considered as an encouragement and not make an impression right away but develop a trusting situation first. What ever happens later is what it is.
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Post by sadkat on May 24, 2019 9:21:25 GMT -5
Handy- I’ll add some examples of creepy things that have happened to me- An older gentleman frequents the same restaurant I do- he is invariably there when I get there. He sits in a central location where I have to pass him to get to a table. He stares at me as I walk past him- to the point that he turns all the way around as I pass by. It is VERY creepy! I’m a smiler by nature and he freaks me out so much that I can’t even look at him! Another time, several years ago, I had a guy take out his cell phone and take a picture of me while I was standing in line at a grocery store. That was freaky! I will tell you of an experience I had quite some time ago during my younger days that was extremely flattering and that I remember quite fondly all these years later. I was standing in a public waiting area and a young man approached me to tell me that he thought I was the most beautiful woman he had seen in a while and that he wanted me to know. Then, he walked away. These are the kinds of things we women appreciate.
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Post by Handy on May 26, 2019 18:25:53 GMT -5
Sadkat
I was standing in a public waiting area and a young man approached me to tell me that he thought I was the most beautiful woman he had seen in a while and that he wanted me to know. Then, he walked away. These are the kinds of things we women appreciate.
For me to say something like that I would consider it to be a cheesy pick-p line so I wold be reluctant to do it. My gess is some women would like it and some would not like it and consider that I was being intrusive.
I might say "looking sharp-on top of things-or something up beat today"
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Post by sadkat on May 26, 2019 19:11:07 GMT -5
@ handy- you are wrong about that. “Looking sharp today”, although nice to hear, is really an offhand way of paying a compliment. The reason why this young man’s comment was so flattering is because of the way he said it. It was matter of fact and with an honest and open expression. He was sincere in paying me the compliment and accepted my gratitude in a polite way. I could tell he really meant what he said. I guess that’s the lesson- don’t compliment a woman unless you actually mean it.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2019 19:53:51 GMT -5
@ handy- you are wrong about that. “Looking sharp today”, although nice to hear, is really an offhand way of paying a compliment. The reason why this young man’s comment was so flattering is because of the way he said it. It was matter of fact and with an honest and open expression. He was sincere in paying me the compliment and accepted my gratitude in a polite way. I could tell he really meant what he said. I guess that’s the lesson- don’t compliment a woman unless you actually mean it. A beautiful imperative. |
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Post by Handy on May 27, 2019 0:16:33 GMT -5
My 1,000 post, so I am claiming my card carrying membership into this clan. I had a long post that I thought was excellent but something happened to it when I hit send. So here is the shortened version. I probably am too reserved to randomly compliment anyone, especially women for fear of it being takes as a come-on or as a way to get what I want at the other person's expense. I am super aware that not everyone takes things said as they were intended and the message intent might change based on the receiver's frame of mind and past or current situation. I do not over think this type of stuff if a man is involved. I was giving a ride to a grand child tonight and we stopped to get a drink. A woman walks in to the fast food place and I think I saw her several times before but I can't remember where. She is dressed well, 65+, nice gray hair style for someone her age and build. I wanted to say something about her hair style but was unsure how she would respond so as she walked past where I was sitting a couple of times (legitimate reasons on her part) I just smiled. When I left we smiled at each other and I did the gentleman's nodd as I went past where she was sitting, with me on the outside of the building and her sitting on the inside.
If I make a compliment, it is always serious, about them and not to get something for myself.
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