Maybe it wasn’t my ex after all

Ok, this is gonna be a bit geeky, so bear with me - it will be worth it.

I've come to believe that finding the right partner in this life is like trying to find life as we know it on an alien world. Fortunately, science has provided us some guidance here in the form of the Drake equation. It was created by Frank Drake in 1961. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drake_equation

The Drake equation states:

N = R * fp * ne * fl * fi * fc * L

N = the number of civilizations in our galaxy with which communication might be possible

R = the average rate of star formation in our galaxy
fp = the fraction of those stars that have planets
ne = the average number of planets that can potentially support life per star that has planets
fl = the fraction of planets that could support life that actually develop life at some point
fi = the fraction of planets with life that actually go on to develop intelligent life (civilizations)
fc = the fraction of civilizations that develop a technology that releases detectable signs of their existence into space
L = the length of time for which such civilizations release detectable signals into space

Of course, some of these variables are known (such as the rate of star formation). Others are wild ass guesses (how often life actually develops). There is also a time factor where they have to be around and detectable at the same time as we are looking. Lots of big numbers, but also lots of variables that cut those big numbers down to size.

In case you are unaware (trailer park lore and Roswell notwithstanding), we have yet to find little green men.

How does this relate to finding a soul mate?

Well, there could conceivably be a similar formula. For sake of argument, let's call it the Sham equation (yes, I know that doesn't exactly lend confidence):

N = P * A * F * C * S * G * B * L

N = Number of potential partners in the world (big ass number)
P = Population of potential partners of the correct sexual orientation (cuts it in half)
A = The fraction of partners who are avaialble (somewhat depends upon your definition of available I suppose)
F = The fraction of partners who you can be friends with (depends upon how well you make friends)
C = The fraction of partners who you have a "chemistry" with (depends upon how narrow this band is for you)
S = The fraction of partners who have a compatible libido (both have to match)
G = The fraction of partners in an accessible geographical location (I've already travelled 4x around the earth in miles to be with BOC - literally)
B = The fraction of partners who have an acceptable amount of "Baggage" (emotional scars, kids, or whatever you determine to be baggage)
X = The number of chances you take to find someone (how many people you try to meet, date, etc...)
L = The length of time for which a potential partner is "on the market" (This totally depends on the person and their situation)

Just like looking for aliens, some of these are known quantities (number of people on the planet) and others are completely up to you (most of the rest). If you're looking for a "soul mate", you're likely going to have to do a lot of looking since you will probably have pretty tight parameters. If you're looking for a hookup, it's not going to be as hard. Just open your parameters up (another way of saying lower your standards).

In my case, I was lucky beyond belief to have found my ballofconfusion. In our case, I had a high P to work with (number of women in the world). I was picky as far as A (had to be heterosexual woman who knew who the A-Team was). My F was pretty high (I have to be friends with anyone I sleep with - no one night stands here). C was a complete unknown for us for months until we met face to face. Fortunately, this turned out to be quite high. Both of our S values were well matched. That isn't surprising seeing as we met on a sexless marriage site. G could have been a show-stopper. BOC lives 1300 miles away as the crow flies. But we have managed that pretty well between the miracle of Skype and Spirit Airlines. In a year or so she is moving here which eliminates this issue completely. We both have quite a bit of B. It's kind of the flip side of having meeting on a site for people in a sexless marriage. But having similar situations also helps understand and relate since our baggage is similar. Not that long ago, BOC and I were chatting about how we hit about the perfect window (L). If we had met each other literally a month earlier or later, it likely wouldn't have worked given our respective (incompatible) plans.

Last weekend, BOC and I toured NASA in Houston, so it is somewhat normal that I would ponder the astronomical odds of us finding each other in this vast universe. But there is a general "gravity" that attracts two people into orbit around each other. We have a stellar relationship, but to many, it seems alien we refuse to follow the "script". To find someone in your habitable zone, you might need to expand exactly what it is you consider habitable. Or you might need to settle into a longer-term search. Perhaps you need to broaden your geographic search to go strange new places where no one has gone before (i.e. California).

But with the billions of potential stars out there, there is likely someone out there for you, even if men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

(you can stop groaning now)