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Post by javba on Apr 30, 2019 14:55:52 GMT -5
Also, remember that in this day & age, a lot of men are worried about being labeled as "sexual predators" if they make their intentions clear. At least he is making it clear that he is sexual. Did anything come of this? He texted me again after several days to say he’d been at his dad’s house and had left his phone in his car (huh?). He invited me to come hang out at his place. I asked, just for clarity, what did you have in mind, and mentioned that our exchange last week seemed a little sudden. He said “Ok”. I’ve decided he’s a little socially awkward and not very good at texting. Agreed you're not a social/ texting/ sexting instructor for peeps "trying to find themselves" On another 2 cent note - It's not you - but you are making progress at least in heading towards somewhere away from previous lack of hope. |
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Post by flashjohn on Apr 30, 2019 15:10:17 GMT -5
Also, remember that in this day & age, a lot of men are worried about being labeled as "sexual predators" if they make their intentions clear. At least he is making it clear that he is sexual. Did anything come of this? He texted me again after several days to say he’d been at his dad’s house and had left his phone in his car (huh?). He invited me to come hang out at his place. I asked, just for clarity, what did you have in mind, and mentioned that our exchange last week seemed a little sudden. He said “Ok”. I’ve decided he’s a little socially awkward and not very good at texting. Yes, that could be true. Or it may be that he is just looking to get laid. I would not go to his house right off the bat, but perhaps go to dinner then see how it goes. If you do go to his house, please let a trusted friend know where you are so she can check on you periodically. |
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Post by smith227 on May 1, 2019 19:50:19 GMT -5
It might be you in the sense that you might just be overthinking things. I just got out of my sexless excuse for a marriage, and I figure I’ve been rejected by my ex for so long at this point, that I’m not ready to be possibly rejected by anyone right now. Would I like to find someone I’m sexually compatible with? Absolutely. But I haven’t had much sex, much less decent sex in a long time. At least now, being single, it’s expected. I was single for around 5 years after my first divorce and I survived. Don’t rush anything. I’m spending time with myself and I’m actually feeling a lot less alone than I did living with my ex. I’m not going to tell you or anyone the whole “stop looking and it will find you” bc I don’t really buy into that, but trying too hard will wear you out, and maybe you’re still exhausted from your sm. I know I am.
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Post by Handy on May 1, 2019 19:59:09 GMT -5
Smith227
I’m not going to tell you or anyone the whole “stop looking and it will find you” bc I don’t really buy into that, but trying too hard will wear you out, and maybe you’re still exhausted from your sm.
That is so true.
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Post by carl on May 10, 2019 20:15:50 GMT -5
In my opinion you shouldn’t worry about it. If a guy doesn’t want to kiss you so what. It doesn’t matter. Because it is going to take time to meet somebody who is right. The right man for you may not be around right now. So it will be all the more exciting when you do meet. Getting stressed about it will put you at risk of meeting the wrong man. And will also make guys act stressed sometimes so you won’t really get to know them. Be confident. Sometimes I think that a relationship is a journey so the less you rush the longer it will last.
I put my sexless relationship to rest not long ago and I can see some of my old faults that led me to it in the first place coming back out but I thought of them before they happened and had it covered. Do you think you have learnt anything about yourself ?
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Post by Handy on May 28, 2019 19:43:10 GMT -5
I was remembering several posts of people saying they are not finding the love they want and they are questioning their own desirability by another person. A couple of the men indicated they didn't have "game" even when they were younger. I don't remember what any woman said but I was reading about what people or how people think about them self influences some of their future and daily life. Some of the information in the article will not apply but what applies in my mind is how I feel about myself and my abilities sort of how other people think of me. The reverse of lower self-esteem is over confidence. I read post on other websites about men that say they have to turn down women and I wonder if this particular guy is so ego-concentric, he doesn't realize how other people really see him and maybe snicker at his over inflated self confidence. Too much or too little confidence are both problems.
Any way, the last lines makes my points. Life story research suggests a similar principle may be applicable at a grander level, in the very way that we author our own lives, therefore shaping who we are. You are the author of your own life stories and what you think your life was or is might determine a part of your future.
Now I have to think, was I that clueless about relationships? Was I that unskilled maintaining a long term relationship? Did I over estimate what I brought to the relationship? What is REALLY the truth?
www.bbc.com/future/story/20190523-the-way-you-tell-your-life-story-shapes-your-personality?utm_source=pocket-newtab |
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Post by northstarmom on May 28, 2019 20:40:49 GMT -5
Handy, that article is fascinating! Thanks for posting! Sorry I don't know you in person so we could talk about the story and our own life experiences and perspectives. I bet there are people in your life who would enjoy having such a conversation with you. Particularly women (perhaps not your wife) would enjoy it as typically women are more interested in such conversations than are men. I found this part particularly interesting:
"People who tell more positive stories and stories with more elements of redemption (for example, that time that you lost your job, but ended up switching career paths into something you enjoy much more) tend to enjoy greater wellbeing, at least based on research with Western samples, in terms of more life satisfaction and better mental health. So do people whose stories express a greater sense of being a protagonist in the events of their life and having more meaningful communion with others. For example, the episodes they remember frequently involve loved ones and close friends, such as that hilarious hen night in Brighton, or shared hobbies, like the time they and their cousin went to cooking classes together. Engaging in more autobiographical reasoning and having greater structure to one’s life story also correlates with greater wellbeing.
Conversely, telling stories with more “contamination”, less autonomy and communion correlates with lower wellbeing.
Furthermore, there is some limited evidence that increases in the positive features of one’s life story precede subsequent beneficial consequences for wellbeing, rather than simply reflecting life going better – although Adler and his colleagues caution that more long-term research is needed to establish causality."
I certainly changed in how I regarded my SM. For years, I viewed the SM as reflecting my own undesirability. Finally -- after sharing my situation with friends who enjoy sex -- I started viewing my SM as reflecting my h's incompatibility with me due to his discomfort with sex. That made divorce a natural consequence and it also made me not view divorce as reflecting my being undesirable in general.
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Post by Handy on May 28, 2019 22:06:03 GMT -5
NSM
I certainly changed in how I regarded my SM. For years, I viewed the SM as reflecting my own undesirability. Finally -- after sharing my situation with friends who enjoy sex -- I started viewing my SM as reflecting my h's incompatibility with me due to his discomfort with sex. That made divorce a natural consequence and it also made me not view divorce as reflecting my being undesirable in general.
NSM, sounds like the positive changes in your attitude have enriched your life. I hope other people can follow a pattern you have followed.
I suspect that several people that have the idea that they are not good lovers or think their style of loving has something wrong, eventually gets to feel somewhat hopeless, and wonder if someone else could be a good match and lover with the right personality type. This is part of a self full filling negative rut some people might get them self stuck in. While it might be somewhat or generally true that an individual may be short a few crayons (skills) in the compatibility department, having been rejected so often and for so long, skews one's thinking too far in the negative direction. Like I said before, a person can also think (in the other direction) they are the greatest lover but that might not be true. If I never read this and a few other forums, my mental opinion of women would be they don't like sex and mostly only want someone to talk to and do things around the house they can't do. This would lead me to think why bother trying to cultivate a friendship with 99% of the women because the future relationship would wind up how it benefited the woman. Well, knowing some or several women want more than a handyman and that they individually liked the guy to share his opinion and time with her and it made for her wanting some additional physical connection, helped me to see some possibilities that maybe there are several women I might be happy to meet and build a friendship with her and visa versa. About positive lifetime experiences and negative lifetime experiences, I started out in life with way more negative experiences than the average person, but at the time I had lots of company because there were some big challenges for most of the kids I knew, growing up at the time. Yes, many times in my life were tough but guess what. My life on paper turned out better than I would have expected it to if I go back 60 years and try to guess where I would be today. In one respect I have it made. In another respect some of the joy is missing. I know I have been too serious about life in the past and enjoying life now bucks some of my past "Keep your nose to the grind stone" mentality. What I have done in the past year is spend more mental effort on the better parts of my life and hope it attracts people that might become good friends or more.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on May 29, 2019 0:35:16 GMT -5
If I liked him, it’d be exciting! If (like the guy I went to dinner with Tuesday night) he spent the whole date talking about Pablo Escobar, then only sent me dirty texts late that night, I’d think it was a little sudden... and weird. Also, remember that in this day & age, a lot of men are worried about being labeled as "sexual predators" if they make their intentions clear. At least he is making it clear that he is sexual. Did anything come of this? Nope! Super hot guy turned out to be super flaky guy. |
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Post by ironhamster on May 29, 2019 3:58:55 GMT -5
Also, remember that in this day & age, a lot of men are worried about being labeled as "sexual predators" if they make their intentions clear. At least he is making it clear that he is sexual. Did anything come of this? Nope! Super hot guy turned out to be super flaky guy. This kills me. Frustrates me. I expect better from my fellow men. |
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2019 5:24:50 GMT -5
Nope! Super hot guy turned out to be super flaky guy. This kills me. Frustrates me. I expect better from my fellow men.
Were I somehow magically thrust into a romantic setting, I would be at high risk of botching the moment. However, I'd also hope to recognize my flakiness (or awkwardness or shyness...), at least after the fact, and make efforts to improve. At the same time, even gaining an opportunity to botch would be an achievement.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on May 30, 2019 0:46:24 GMT -5
This kills me. Frustrates me. I expect better from my fellow men.
Were I somehow magically thrust into a romantic setting, I would be at high risk of botching the moment. However, I'd also hope to recognize my flakiness (or awkwardness or shyness...), at least after the fact, and make efforts to improve. At the same time, even gaining an opportunity to botch would be an achievement.
Is it shyness though? My STBX told me today that he thinks I intimidate men. Like WTF?! I do my level best to make people feel comfortable and accepted. I should be the world’s LEAST intimidating person... Are you sure with these super flaky guys it’s not asshole bravado? It feels that way to me... |
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Post by worksforme2 on May 30, 2019 5:33:07 GMT -5
Nope! Super hot guy turned out to be super flaky guy. This kills me. Frustrates me. I expect better from my fellow men. I am 100% in favor of super flaky guys. Having them in the mix I think makes for greater opportunities for us unflaky guys. |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2019 6:01:02 GMT -5
Were I somehow magically thrust into a romantic setting, I would be at high risk of botching the moment. However, I'd also hope to recognize my flakiness (or awkwardness or shyness...), at least after the fact, and make efforts to improve. At the same time, even gaining an opportunity to botch would be an achievement.
Is it shyness though? My STBX told me today that he thinks I intimidate men. Like WTF?! I do my level best to make people feel comfortable and accepted. I should be the world’s LEAST intimidating person... Are you sure with these super flaky guys it’s not asshole bravado? It feels that way to me... It very well could be asshole bravado in this case (or in any given case). It could also be insecurity or any of a number of other traits in any given case.
Most importantly, your STBX may be the least equipped person to judge your impact on other men. Based on what you've written, I don't see any reason to suspect that you're somehow inherently intimidating to men (or women). Just be you and keep shaking off the flakes.
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