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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 18, 2019 11:22:11 GMT -5
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 18, 2019 11:29:38 GMT -5
shamwow, that’s an interesting bit of math, and actually something similar has been swirling around my head, but in the opposite direction. If you look at all those factors while trying to adopt the romantic notion that only one person out there could be your “one”, the odds start to look especially grim. Even if you take away most of the filters, simple geography would preclude you finding each other. And yet, many people find their “one”. Therefore, the opposite must be true... that there are actually many, many, potential matches to be our “one”. We just need one of them to make it through the filters. And that doesn’t have to be by loosening the filters / lowering the bar; broadening the search works too, as you’ve found.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 18, 2019 11:36:56 GMT -5
shamwow, that’s an interesting bit of math, and actually something similar has been swirling around my head, but in the opposite direction. If you look at all those factors while trying to adopt the romantic notion that only one person out there could be your “one”, the odds start to look especially grim. Even if you take away most of the filters, simple geography would preclude you finding each other. And yet, many people find their “one”. Therefore, the opposite must be true... that there are actually many, many, potential matches to be our “one”. We just need one of them to make it through the filters. And that doesn’t have to be by loosening the filters / lowering the bar; broadening the search works too, as you’ve found. Exactly. Neither ballofconfusion or I lowered our standards. We did, however broaden the search (even though neither of us were actually searching) at the time. One thought as to why we haven't found the little green men yet is because we have only looked at an extremely tiny fraction of our Galaxy. Interesting side note. Even meat markets such as tinder can be great ways of finding people. ballofconfusion has a son who filters prospects by asking philosophy questions. To him it is important to have someone intellectually compatible as well as in other areas. Some filters will be a broad searchlight and others will be narrow lasers. Both should be used in conjunction. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 18, 2019 14:59:50 GMT -5
Nothing new under the sun! |
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Post by Handy on Apr 18, 2019 15:36:37 GMT -5
shamwow, I liked your N = R * fp * ne * fl * fi * fc * L and the N = P * A * F * C * S * G * B * L. Not too geeky for me.
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Post by Handy on Apr 18, 2019 15:42:44 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes, I am chiming in here just about a yoga class that I see as not very compatible as far as common interests go. We are all friendly but only a few people seem to really understand or be mentally matched. The class's activities after the sessions are over seem to default to each individuals interests.
I was hoping more class members would be social after the work out. That is not the case.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 18, 2019 19:45:18 GMT -5
handy, I've gone to yoga classes -- for the exercise, too, and also have found that people tend not to hang out afterward unless they came together. However, what I've also found is that I tend to encounter people from yoga classes in other places such as volunteering for progressive politics, attending arts events, attending meditation groups, and shopping at the local organic market. As a result, I've established friendships outside of yoga class with people whom I first saw in yoga class. "Haven't I seen you in yoga class?" has been a good way to establish common ground when I've run into yogis in other places.
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Post by Handy on Apr 18, 2019 21:01:18 GMT -5
northstarmom, I try to meet people without being pushy. I try to establish some common ground without over doing it. To me it seems that people have selective interests in a narrow range and if we don't match in that range, people don't spend much time or effort past a superficial and temporary meeting of the mind.
I can understand the friendship working out better in some of the activities you mentioned. I am not as advanced as you are and into progressive politics, attending arts events, attending meditation groups, and shopping at the local organic market. I am still in the more everyday practical group of fixing, making and some historical / scientific interests, and a lot of that stuff tends to lean towards male interests. I do know of a knitting group of women but I really don't have any interest in knitting. If it was quilting instead of knitting, I might go to see how things were designed and assembled.
A couple of years ago I almost went to check out a meditation group but decided not to go because I was of the opinion some of the practices were more myth type than practical. I know I tend to be too practical and think in terms of the often male default mode of trying to fix it instead of understanding it, whet ever "IT" is.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 18, 2019 22:54:00 GMT -5
Handy said: "I try to meet people without being pushy. I try to establish some common ground without over doing it. To me it seems that people have selective interests in a narrow range and if we don't match in that range, people don't spend much time or effort past a superficial and temporary meeting of the mind." I don't know if that's true. I've noticed that the people I don't feel a connection with are people who, when I ask a leading question like, "What's new?" say, "Nothing." They are people who seem to view their lives as dull and thus present themselves that way. They don't give me anything to connect with or follow up with. A question like, "What's new?" could result in a person's talking about an interesting book they've read, event they went to, film they saw, or funny thing that happened in the course of their day. handy said: " I am not as advanced as you are and into progressive politics, attending arts events, attending meditation groups, and shopping at the local organic market. I am still in the more everyday practical group of fixing, making and some historical / scientific interests," I don't think that what I do is a matter of my being advanced. I'm just pursuing my own interests. FWIW I also like history and if I met a person whose interests in that subject overlapped mine, I'd probably enjoy conversing with them. In regard to history, I have participated in some acting activities reenacting events in my state's history. I also know people who are deeply into Civil War battle reenactments. Other people I know with interests in history volunteer judging school history fairs, volunteer as museum docents and volunteers, attend lectures and book signings on history and participate in local historical societies. The local public universities allow people over 60 to audit classes for free. In addition, one can pay to attend classes on various subjects that are just offered for senior citizens. Those include some history and science classes. A single woman friend is into science and joined a local astronomy club. If there's a senior center in your area that also could be a good place to make friends and pursue your interests including by volunteering and teaching a class in, for example, how to do simple home repairs. Depending on what's in your area, those may be examples of things you could do to get out of your habit of connecting with people only by offering them some service. Whatever your political bent, there always are opportunities to volunteer registering voters, assisting in campaigns, or doing volunteer work with your political party. Your party probably has at least monthly meetings that any party member can attend. Go to meetings and then volunteer to help with their projects and campaigns. That is a wonderful way to meet like minded people. You have nothing to lose by checking out a meditation group. Indeed, I know a lot of practical, "handy" men who participate in meditation groups. Some fo the men in meditation groups in my area are scientists. If you attend a meditation group and don't like it, no need to go again. Some are very cerebral and may fit your way of viewing the world. There is a lot of scientific research that supports using meditation to improve one's way of functioning in the world. I've made a lot of friends by participating in meditation groups. The first one I went to wasn't a good fit for me. It included a lot of chanting in, I think, Tibetan. I found my meditation home in a group that taught practices such as focusing on the breath. I also explored other contemplative practices ranging from tai chi to contemplative writing and photography. If you'd be up for taking a learning vacation designed for seniors, Road Scholars offers some excellent sounding programs including on history. www.roadscholar.org/find-an-adventure?intergen=false&tags=Classroom&page=1&pagesize=all While I haven't done a Road Scholar trip, I have taken learning vacations such as taking a writing seminar and taking theater improv workshops. I've gone by myself and had a great time learning and meeting people who shared my interests. |
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Post by Handy on Apr 19, 2019 0:07:52 GMT -5
Those Road Scholar events look top notch.
I think I better start looking for something similar locally. I know the local college had public lectures about Lewis & Clark and I know one lady that did something similar on a smaller scale with some of her associates.
Some states have videos about points of interest with in the state. I watched most of the ones about the state I live in, Texas and North Dakota. Those were easy to find and interesting. I need to work this in with a group somehow.
Thanks for the ideas NSM.
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 19, 2019 3:49:17 GMT -5
Mypaintbrushes - it's both not you and it is you. You defo don't need 30 dates to figure out if there's chemistry. You don't need to give people so many chances.
If you're using online stuff, messaging for a little while to see if we have common interests and a common understanding. None of that, then no in-person date.
I definitely kiss on the first date. No spark, no second date.
Wait a bit for sex, because it clouds my brain. See how he treats me and other people.
Sex soon-ish to see if the kiss translates into passion. I don't expect shamazing sex on the first date. It takes me a while to warm up to people in bed and really let go.
The one bit of self-help advice that has really helped me was nice guys - the kind of guys you want to build a life with won't cross your boundaries. Don't put up the wrong kind of boundaries that only not-nice guys will cross to get to you. Understand what you will allow and not allow. I went into dating with that in mind and it really worked for me.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 19, 2019 8:28:18 GMT -5
Handy said: “Some states have videos about points of interest with in the state. I watched most of the ones about the state I live in, Texas and North Dakota. Those were easy to find and interesting. I need to work this in with a group somehow.”
You could start a Meetup that goes to points of interest.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2019 10:30:17 GMT -5
Mypaintbrushes - it's both not you and it is you. You defo don't need 30 dates to figure out if there's chemistry. You don't need to give people so many chances. If you're using online stuff, messaging for a little while to see if we have common interests and a common understanding. None of that, then no in-person date. I definitely kiss on the first date. No spark, no second date. Wait a bit for sex, because it clouds my brain. See how he treats me and other people. Sex soon-ish to see if the kiss translates into passion. I don't expect shamazing sex on the first date. It takes me a while to warm up to people in bed and really let go. The one bit of self-help advice that has really helped me was nice guys - the kind of guys you want to build a life with won't cross your boundaries. Don't put up the wrong kind of boundaries that only not-nice guys will cross to get to you. Understand what you will allow and not allow. I went into dating with that in mind and it really worked for me. Shamazing sex? 😏 |
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 19, 2019 11:23:22 GMT -5
The problem with the Drake Equation story that Miss Sunny Bunny linked earlier in this thread is that if you are a unicorn looking for another unicorn whom you also are romantically/sexually compatible with then odds are against your finding one. Example from the story: A woman Harvard physics professors odds of finding a single man in Boston within 10 years of her age who was a college grad probably wouldn't be that bad. But look at what else she wanted:
"OK, half of them [people of the right age in Boston] are men. So we'd circle half. And then we'd say, well, what's the age group you're interested in? And then we'd sort of circle a smaller subset. And then she had all these other requirements, like the guy had to be taller than her-- and she's pretty tall-- so that really limited things.
And then she said he had to be smarter than her. You know, and she's a Harvard physics professor. So that was even smaller. And basically we got down to there being nobody. "
That's why one has to have reasonable desires. For instance, after I divorced, I wanted to find a man within 15 years of my age who was sexually compatible, honest, nonabusive, had friends (so he wouldn't be dependent on me for all of his emotional needs), emotionally open, not an addict or alcoholic or felon, not politically my opposite, and willing to be in a monogamous sexual relationship. He also had to be someone whom I enjoyed conversing with. He didn't need to be taller, smarter, richer than me or be nor did he need to be on the same spiritual path or of my race.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 20, 2019 12:32:42 GMT -5
Mypaintbrushes - it's both not you and it is you. You defo don't need 30 dates to figure out if there's chemistry. You don't need to give people so many chances. If you're using online stuff, messaging for a little while to see if we have common interests and a common understanding. None of that, then no in-person date. I definitely kiss on the first date. No spark, no second date. Wait a bit for sex, because it clouds my brain. See how he treats me and other people. Sex soon-ish to see if the kiss translates into passion. I don't expect shamazing sex on the first date. It takes me a while to warm up to people in bed and really let go. The one bit of self-help advice that has really helped me was nice guys - the kind of guys you want to build a life with won't cross your boundaries. Don't put up the wrong kind of boundaries that only not-nice guys will cross to get to you. Understand what you will allow and not allow. I went into dating with that in mind and it really worked for me. To be clear, it’s only been about 8 dates with this guy. Lots of other guys - probably approaching 20. None of them expressed interest, which is too bad. I did finally have sex last night. GOOD sex, for the first time in probably 2 years (first time in more than 2 years I came without having to get myself off). OMG. I get turned on just thinking about last night. I don’t think I can go without good sex ever again, though this encounter definitely is never going to result in a committed relationship. |
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