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Post by northstarmom on Feb 17, 2022 13:13:53 GMT -5
GC: "QuotelikePost OptionsPost by greatcoastal on 57 minutes ago
I had decided to change some of my paintings that hang in the living room. I went into the closet where I keep my original paintings, and what did I find? Raphaela's computer that I gave her !( with the cord)
It was buried in my box of framed paintings,stashed in the closet?
Again, it fits her fear of commitment. She doesn't want anything remaining where I can say " look what I did for you"."
It sounds to me like you were trying to make her into a different type of person than she was. Your actions seem very controlling. Sounds like you gave her a computer but she didn't want one. You didn't like some of her friends so you forbid her from seeing them. You wanted her to go to the gym so you could show her off, but that's not a great reason to want someone to go to the gym. I sure wouldn't want to go to the gym to be shown off. Reminds me of a friend who was a very hot blonde when she was young. She said she went to the movies on a first date with a guy and he insisted that they walk around outside in the cold before the movie. When she asked him why, he said, "I want to show you off." She didn't want to be shown off. She didn't want to be in the cold. She didn't want to be with a guy who seemed to value her physical appearance more than the rest of her. She didn't go out with him again.
Am I remembering correctly that you once posted her picture here to show people how beautiful she was? Did she know that you did that? If not, it was a huge violation of her privacy.
What did you value in her besides her looks, sexual interest/abilities, and the fact that she was willing to be with you?
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 17, 2022 13:48:53 GMT -5
GC: "QuotelikePost OptionsPost by greatcoastal on 57 minutes ago I had decided to change some of my paintings that hang in the living room. I went into the closet where I keep my original paintings, and what did I find? Raphaela's computer that I gave her !( with the cord) It was buried in my box of framed paintings,stashed in the closet? Again, it fits her fear of commitment. She doesn't want anything remaining where I can say " look what I did for you"." It sounds to me like you were trying to make her into a different type of person than she was. Your actions seem very controlling. Sounds like you gave her a computer but she didn't want one. You didn't like some of her friends so you forbid her from seeing them. You wanted her to go to the gym so you could show her off, but that's not a great reason to want someone to go to the gym. I sure wouldn't want to go to the gym to be shown off. Reminds me of a friend who was a very hot blonde when she was young. She said she went to the movies on a first date with a guy and he insisted that they walk around outside in the cold before the movie. When she asked him why, he said, "I want to show you off." She didn't want to be shown off. She didn't want to be in the cold. She didn't want to be with a guy who seemed to value her physical appearance more than the rest of her. She didn't go out with him again. Am I remembering correctly that you once posted her picture here to show people how beautiful she was? Did she know that you did that? If not, it was a huge violation of her privacy. What did you value in her besides her looks, sexual interest/abilities, and the fact that she was willing to be with you? Wrong. Never posted any picture. She was the one who wanted to go to restaurants, the beach and stores with me. Her idea to go to the nude beach. The only friend she had was a new friend, the drunken lady who wanted to invite herself over to our house. She liked being seen wit me, and me with her. values: Non smoker, non drinker, non drug user, church going, left a Sexless relationship,( or so she said) took time to heal, had a relationship with her daughter ( that ended). Had a relationship with her family in Italy via phone ( that ended) hard worker, good work ethics, has her own business, same love language, easy to introduce to other people, ( or she started out that way) yes I did try to broaden her narrow horizons. ( too much of my rescue personality). I fail to see that as controlling when you offer someone things/opportunities and they accept, but are not honest with you or themselves, due to their fears. ( i'm not a mind reader) |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 17, 2022 14:01:05 GMT -5
GC: Wrong.
Never posted any picture.
She was the one who wanted to go to restaurants, the beach and stores with me. Her idea to go to the nude beach. The only friend she had was a new friend, the drunken lady who wanted to invite herself over to our house. She liked being seen wit me, and me with her.
values: Non smoker, non drinker, non drug user, church going, left a Sexless relationship,( or so she said) took time to heal, had a relationship with her daughter ( that ended). Had a relationship with her family in Italy via phone ( that ended) hard worker, good work ethics, has her own business, same love language, easy to introduce to other people, ( or she started out that way)
yes I did try to broaden her narrow horizons. ( too much of my rescue personality). I fail to see that as controlling when you offer someone things/opportunities and they accept, but are not honest with you or themselves, due to their fears. ( i'm not a mind reader)"
Sorry that I mistakenly thought you'd posted her picture here.
Your doing things like the restaurants, beach, stores with her sounds mutually agreeable. Since you were doing so much together it does seem odd that you stopped going to the gym because she wouldn't go. What happened to the enjoyment you'd had at the gym before your relationship with her? What happened to your desire to be fit?
Your interest in breaking her "narrow horizons" does seem like you wanted her to be a different person than she was, that who she was wasn't enough for you. She may have been prefectly happy with maintaining the horizons you viewed as narrow. Your not liking some of her friendships and your attempting to broaden her may have made her feel she wasn't enough for you. You didn't welcome her as she is but instead you tried to change her. She may not even have realized how much she was ignoring her own interests/desires in order to become the kind of person you wanted her to be.
Why did you give her a computer? Did she indicate to you that she wanted or needed one?
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Feb 17, 2022 15:11:13 GMT -5
Ha ha. My man greatcoastal. You sly fox, you I had a smirk on my face reading this part. Welly played, sir. Well played. For sexual compatibility, what I found works is to learn to sprinkle sexual innuendo into the conversation and see if they play along or are offended. This may not come natural so you may need to practice, work on it. Some cheesy examples. Getting coffee... "How do you like it? <pause> the coffee I mean" "how are you doing? You respond with "well if I play my cards right maybe later tonight you can tell me how Im doing" "Do you like key lime pie? Not really but that doesn't mean I wouldnt try yours some day" As in anything, timing and delivery is everything. As you say "looking for a compatible man". Well part of looking for a compatible woman is filling my need for sex/intimacy.I was fortunate to find that in Rafaela. Her love language is touch, so is mine. She is always aggressive in being physically intimate since the first time I met her. A wonderful quality, character trait, gift, that may be a small % of women, or so I've been told. Rafaela was also blessed with being able to orgasm in seconds and have multiple orgasms. We discovered this together, and over time, where able to perfect it. Our time period of sex/intercourse was 10 minute to 30 minutes, or (when I would take my ED pill) would be 1 1/2 hrs. and continue until later in the day. I read where couples have intercourse/sex for an average of 7 to 8 minutes. I guess we were in the minority, or up there in the top 5%. when it comes to frequency and longevity. Rafaela and I both learned and experienced a huge variety of positions, restraints , methods, locations, devices, etc... for sex and intimacy. If I was to go back to online dating and was filling out a questionnaire, I would have to say " highly experienced" in sex . With a caveat saying ( only with one person). Certainly not the man I was three years ago coming away from my SM. These are things I will be looking for in my next compatible woman. And, of course many other qualities that a normal person would want in a long term relationship. The part that has me puzzled, for now ,is asking for these things as I meet people. 4 years ago in my Divorce Recovery class we had an evening when we discussed" how long to wait before sex". The woman who was leading our group had her own personal opinion of 6 months. The man leading our group had his own opinion of at least openly discussing it by the second or third date, and coming to some sort of agreement, then acting it out, or move on. Who wants another SM relationship. Or finding out the person is terrible at sex and really isn't interested. Part of finding a compatible woman. medium.com/boomers-bitches-and-babes/what-a-study-says-is-normal-sex-for-people-over-50-a0c3d95f72b6 |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 17, 2022 15:55:15 GMT -5
"For sexual compatibility, what I found works is to learn to sprinkle sexual innuendo into the conversation and see if they play along or are offended. This may not come natural so you may need to practice, work on it."
Good idea. But I wouldn't suggest doing it on a first date unless it's really obvious that she's sexually interested in you. I think post SM partner of 8 years started doing that on our 3rd date. He said when I giggled, he knew that we were eventually going to go to bed. He was right. But if he'd done it on the first date, as I was just coming out of a SM, and didn't know him that well, I probably would have pulled back from him cause I wanted a FWB, not a one night stand.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 18, 2022 6:47:44 GMT -5
It sounds to me like you were trying to make her into a different type of person than she was. Your actions seem very controlling. Sounds like you gave her a computer but she didn't want one. You didn't like some of her friends so you forbid her from seeing them. You wanted her to go to the gym so you could show her off, What did you value in her besides her looks, sexual interest/abilities, and the fact that she was willing to be with you? Not sure if you mean to come off as aggressive as you are. She put the laptop in the closet and it stayed there two years. He didn't even bring it out or ask where it was. She kept seeing the inadvisable friend, and as far as we know, he did nothing. When she didn't go to the gym, he stopped going, there were no "consequences." (silent treatment, harassment, chastising) That may have been unhealthy co-dependency (SM survivors can get into repetitive cycles, to be sure) but I don't see it getting defined as "controlling". He may be leaving out parts where he did apply coercion/pressure, but until we hear about such things, his "controlling" nature appears limited to interest in her welfare which he doesn't report having followed up on much. (maybe a good thing, maybe bad) This all coming from a guy who had serious control freak issues. (and they creep back in, now and then, much to my shame.) Takes a control freak to know one. Barring undisclosed badgering/threats, GreatCoastal's tendencies strike me as tepid and potentially benevolent and harmless. The alternative to his "attempts to change her" is seeing a potential issue... and saying nothing, allowing opportunities to escape. His balance doesn't strike me as making someone else a fixture of himself. I know of what I speak. Wish I didn't. I think your radar may be picking up some background noise. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 19, 2022 13:49:58 GMT -5
It sounds to me like you were trying to make her into a different type of person than she was. Your actions seem very controlling. Sounds like you gave her a computer but she didn't want one. You didn't like some of her friends so you forbid her from seeing them. You wanted her to go to the gym so you could show her off, What did you value in her besides her looks, sexual interest/abilities, and the fact that she was willing to be with you? Not sure if you mean to come off as aggressive as you are. It reminds me of the male bashing that I see on other sites, but I digress.She put the laptop in the closet and it stayed there two years. He didn't even bring it out or ask where it was. I bought her a laptop two years ago. I found it in the closet a month after she bolted. Very cold. Just ended everything selfishly. My friend white washed it and I am now using it! Works much better than my 5 yr old one. It has more features too!
I asked her if she would like her own computer? instead of me constantly entertaining her with mine ( her codependency and fear of learning new things) she halfheartedly agreed. No pressure. As I posted before, she watched old movies on it and did some facebook on it. She used it very little maybe once a week. I didn't ask her about it. ( other nights she would read the same old magazines, without her readers?.
[ Dare I say this ? without being bashed?.... Like a faithful dog sitting next to me waiting for me to say: do you want to go out!]
If anything it gave her "freedom" not me controlling anything!
It reminds me of the times I would offer new things for my kids to learn or join. Music lessons, swim ,sports,etc... and asking them " would you like to try any of these? Just commit to a season, you can end it if you don't like it".
There was a time in my life where I was computer illiterate. ( ten years ago) I left 100% of that up to my Electrical Engineer wife. My ex bought me an ipad, and my kids taught me how to use it.She rejected a lot of gifts that I offered/gave her. A pattern that says commitment phobia.She kept seeing the inadvisable friend, and as far as we know, he did nothing. She works for the inadvisable friend once every two weeks. The inadvisable friend kept coming over to my house, dropping her off from work. No other customer does that. I stated my opinion about that. Rafaela quickly agreed with me that this woman was trouble. She told me" I talk with her less and less. I want to do my job and get out of there". She would confide in me ,daily, about her customers and ask my advice/opinion. ( codependent? yes and no. It's good to get confirmation on your thoughts and ways of handling problems)When she didn't go to the gym, he stopped going, there were no "consequences." (silent treatment, harassment, chastising) That may have been unhealthy co-dependency (SM survivors can get into repetitive cycles, to be sure) but I don't see it getting defined as "controlling". Insisting he go even if she doesn't, could be. even if it might serve him well.
Yes there was pressure and coercion from Rafaela. Calling and asking " where are you? when will you be home? Who's this friend/woman in Maine you talk with on your computer? ( more of her insecurities)" Come home and be with me. I'll be naked when you get home". Forget the gym!! My bad for not setting a boundary and going to the gym anyways, the gym was on my way home from work I would stay for an hour.He may be leaving out parts where he did apply coercion/pressure, but until we hear about such things, his "controlling" nature appears limited to interest in her welfare which he doesn't report having followed up on much. (maybe a good thing, maybe bad) Very much interested in her welfare, from the moment I met her! It's difficult to watch the one's we love fall, make mistakes, hurt themselves ( and you in the process) but she's an adult and that's part of loving and learning.This all coming from a guy who had serious control freak issues. (and they creep back in, now and then, much to my shame.) Takes a control freak to know one. Barring undisclosed badgering/threats, GreatCoastal's tendencies strike me as tepid and potentially benevolent and harmless. The alternative to his "attempts to change her" is seeing a potential issue... and saying nothing, allowing opportunities to escape. His balance doesn't strike me as making someone else a fixture of himself. I know of what I speak. Wish I didn't. I think your radar may be picking up some background noise.
Thanks again, for your time and understanding! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 24, 2022 11:39:52 GMT -5
I think northstarmom is likely right about easy pickins at social dances. I thought of billiards, darts, and horseshoes. Two of three of these are at a local piuzza joint/bar near me. The billiards at two other bars less close by. Bowling leagues and poker groups need members. Maybe not a great hunting ground, but sociable. A list of possible activities to fill a single life after divorce would be worthy of its own thread, perhaps separarting out those most likely to be good environments for pairing up. While the "taking time out" stuff sounds good in practice, I'm under a possible delusion that guys just get sad and depressed without intimate company. Women tend to be more whole in and of themselves. I watched my father in law age ten years in the 365 days after his wife died. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 24, 2022 13:19:31 GMT -5
The author sort of halfway got it right. If he had said within 10yrs everyone finds a dance studio then he would have gotten me. I took some lessons when I decided to re-enter the dating game. Not that I didn't date occasionally following my 1st divorce, but it was few and far between because I usually had my sons on the weekends. After they were somewhat older and were spending some weekends with their school friends I had more opportunity, so I started the prep work for dating again. Dancing lessons, yeah, but way more than a year later. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 21, 2022 18:28:52 GMT -5
As many of you kindly,lovingly predicted, my ex girlfriend Rafaela, called me today! It's been 2 1/2 months of silence since she bolted.
I was at work around 11;00am and my phone rang.
A local number no name. I answered it." Hello ,this is GreatCoastal". Hi! this is Rafaela!
Me: (very surprised) Hello.
Rafaela: How are you?
Me: fine.
Rafaela:are you at work?
Me: yes,I'm entering the interstate.
Rafaela :you're working every day?
Me:No just my 4 days a week.
Rafaela:Oh that's right, you don't work every day. ( how quickly she forgot) I was in your neighborhood and I dropped by to visit your neighbor, and I stopped by to talk with your son.
Me thinking: I can't imagine what you've told my son again! Guess I'll here that later. (he's at work and I haven't spoken with him yet)
Rafaela: I'm back home at my place and my landlords are getting so old, they are loosing their minds!
(my truck was loud, the connection got week, her accent is strong, I had a hard time understanding her. I was about to ask her to call me later but I knew better)
Then came:Hey can we be friends? let's meet sometime this week and talk some?
Me: (hesitating and feeling very sad) No. No let's not. No I'm sorry, no.
A short pause.
Rafaela: Oh okay, it's good to hear your voice.
Me: you too. well....goodbye.
Then came that pain in my upper chest again.
I think I did the right thing, made the right choice. I have zero trust in her! Why even have a conversation!
I gave it an hour or two to think about it and texted her a final message, then blocked the phone number.
My text to her:I honestly love you more than any other person in my life!
That's why I can't be just a friend.
I'm still very attracted to you!
I'm doing better at coming home and not having you here.
You leaving again, is to painful. I can't go through it again.
I would disappoint you, and you would not be happy.
You will be better off with someone else.
I want what's best for you.
I wish you much happiness.
Great Coastal.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 21, 2022 18:38:59 GMT -5
I'm concerned that despite your blocking her, the long, loving good-bye message you sent her will encourage her to stop by your house or work or follow up with your son. How will you handle things if she does stop by your house or work while you are there?
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 21, 2022 20:10:53 GMT -5
I'm concerned that despite your blocking her, the long, loving good-bye message you sent her will encourage her to stop by your house or work or follow up with your son. How will you handle things if she does stop by your house or work while you are there? Work is not an issue. to far away, and I'm gone on the road. Back at the house? Two options. Speak to her briefly in the driveway, not inviting her inside. Control the situation, end it quickly, with more firm NO's. Or call the police and politely tell them " I broke up with this person and don't want them on my property, please speak with her." She was lucky to find my son awake, or home. |
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 21, 2022 20:39:13 GMT -5
"Speak to her briefly in the driveway,"
You'd need to speak differently than the message you sent her. "I love you too much to talk to you or see you" would encourage her to keep coming back.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2022 5:30:26 GMT -5
"Speak to her briefly in the driveway," You'd need to speak differently than the message you sent her. "I love you too much to talk to you or see you" would encourage her to keep coming back. True, my conversation would be blunt, like it was on the phone. The high level of distrust would show on my facial and body expressions. Different from a text after hours of 'thinking about it'. All part of setting and enforcing a boundary. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 22, 2022 6:19:27 GMT -5
"Speak to her briefly in the driveway," You'd need to speak differently than the message you sent her. "I love you too much to talk to you or see you" would encourage her to keep coming back. True, my conversation would be blunt, like it was on the phone. The high level of distrust would show on my facial and body expressions. Different from a text after hours of 'thinking about it'. All part of setting and enforcing a boundary. I left my ex-fiancée 27 years ago. I'm under the impression she married the next guy cuz she knew what she did wrong. She could not have learned that if she'd stayed with me. My buddy's wife hears criticism in everything he says. I'm worried she'll have no way to question her paranoia until she divorces him and finds a new guy she can give a benefit of the doubt. Rafaela may well not abandon her next boyfriend and flit in and out of his life at a whim because she lost you by doing that. She cannot learn that if the leaving works yet one more time. I'm impressed by your discipline and suspect you may offer her a tremendous gift here. A man who left her, not because he didn't love her, but that love/attraction alone is not enough to sustain a functional relationship. That could be mind blowing to many people. Props. |
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