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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 22, 2022 8:38:40 GMT -5
greatcoastal Dont take this the wrong way. It does come from a place of support. This was a tough read though. I cringed at the texting part though I get it 100%. You were honest and the feelings are raw. That said, sometimes it might be beneficial to write things out but not send them. That provides some closure as well. My read on the situation is that what you texted her kinda left a door open. Like she knows how you feel nkw and she can try to work her way back into your life. But the thing is, if she wanted that, she could have stated so. But she didnt. For whatever the reasons. Anyway just my opinion. Hope you are feeling a little better today. As many of you kindly,lovingly predicted, my ex girlfriend Rafaela, called me today! It's been 2 1/2 months of silence since she bolted. I was at work around 11;00am and my phone rang. A local number no name. I answered it. Hello this is GreatCoastal. High this is Rafaela! Me: (very surprised) Hello. Rafaela: How are you? Me: fine. Rafaela:are you at work? Me: yes,I'm entering the interstate. Rafaela :your working every day? Me:No just my 4 days a week. Rafaela:Oh that's right, you don't work every day. ( how quickly she forgot) I was in your neighborhood and I dropped by to visit your neighbor, and I stopped by to talk with your son. Me thinking: I can't imagine what you've told him again! Guess I'll here that later. (he's at work and I haven't spoken with him yet) Rafaela: I'm back home at my place and my landlords are getting so old, they are loosing their minds! (my truck was loud, the connection got week, her accent is strong, I had a hard time understanding her. I was about to ask her to call me later but I knew better) Then came:Hey can we be friends? lets meet sometime this week and talk some? Me: (hesitating and feeling very sad) No. No lets not. No I'm sorry, no.A short pause. Rafaela: Oh okay, it's good to hear your voice. Me: you too. well....goodbye. Then came that pain in my upper chest again. I think I did the right thing, made the right choice. I have zero trust in her! Why even have a conversation! I gave it an hour or two to think about it and texted her a final message, then blocked the phone number. My text to her: I honestly love you more than any other person in my life!
That's why I can't be just a friend.
I'm still very attracted to you!
I'm doing better at coming home and not having you here.
You leaving again, is to painful. I can't go through it again.
I would disappoint you, and you would not be happy.
You will be better off with someone else.
I want what's best for you.
I wish you much happiness.
Great Coastal.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2022 17:19:21 GMT -5
greatcoastal Dont take this the wrong way. It does come from a place of support. This was a tough read though. I cringed at the texting part though I get it 100%. You were honest and the feelings are raw. That said, sometimes it might be beneficial to write things out but not send them. That provides some closure as well. My read on the situation is that what you texted her kinda left a door open. Like she knows how you feel nkw and she can try to work her way back into your life. But the thing is, if she wanted that, she could have stated so. But she didnt. For whatever the reasons. Anyway just my opinion. Hope you are feeling a little better today. Then came:Hey can we be friends? lets meet sometime this week and talk some? Me: (hesitating and feeling very sad) No. No lets not. No I'm sorry, no.
Very nice to hear from you again, and your response is greatly appreciated! It's possible that Rafaela could see that as an open door. However I see it as a slightly open door with a chain lock at the top, and a security camera recording everything, unlike before, when this behavior was all new to me. In my own (polite way ) I told her: No. I won't be your friend. I'm doing just fine without you,or any other woman,living alone. Being independant. You selfishly hurt me deeply. That will not be forgotten. If all you want is to be "happy,happy,happy" that's pretty shallow. You're not going to find it. you really haven't even come close to understanding what you want and truly need. That kind of harsh truth is to much for her, At least not from me. Whatever phone no. she used to contact me, it's been blocked too. The kind text is more of a lesson to her in forgiveness but not forgetting. ( if she even sees it? Who knows it could be her boyfriends phone!? Imagine if he reads it!!) There are many other things that could have been said to her to try to convince her that she's wrong, but why bother? You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I also believe that my response surprised ,and disappointed her. That she was hoping for another moment of her falsely telling me " I don't know why I did that", love bombing me again,and expecting to just pick up where we left off. A few factors that made it easier to quickly say no: Time. 2 1/2 months of zero contact. Hearing from others all the lies and manipulation that she said about me . 3 strikes and your out (4 in this case. the 3rd and 4th where so close together ,they seem like one!) The analogy of "Fear of Commitment" And lastly....I've been busy with more activities for myself. Working out, home improvements, financial investing, and rekindling old relationships. I 've been on two dating sites and been out with 3 women. The last women I dated ,I will be seeing for the 3rd time tomorrow. We talk daily. I think that made it a whole lot easier for me to say No, No, No.! ( it shouldn't have to, be seeing someone, but honestly It helped!) And I am feeling better today! It's a true blessing to have a support network. Thanks for asking. And I'm glad for your recovery as well! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2022 18:49:51 GMT -5
True, my conversation would be blunt, like it was on the phone. The high level of distrust would show on my facial and body expressions. Different from a text after hours of 'thinking about it'. All part of setting and enforcing a boundary. I left my ex-fiancée 27 years ago. I'm under the impression she married the next guy cuz she knew what she did wrong. She could not have learned that if she'd stayed with me. My buddy's wife hears criticism in everything he says. I'm worried she'll have no way to question her paranoia until she divorces him and finds a new guy she can give a benefit of the doubt. Rafaela may well not abandon her next boyfriend and flit in and out of his life at a whim because she lost you by doing that. She cannot learn that if the leaving works yet one more time. We can play armchair therapist forever! We may be right about her, but I won't be around to know. it could take years,and I suspect her fear of commitment will keep her from healing. Sounds like she already abandoned pool boy,and is right back to looking for another quick rebound?I'm impressed by your discipline and suspect you may offer her a tremendous gift here. A man who left her, not because he didn't love her, but that love/attraction alone is not enough to sustain a functional relationship. That could be mind blowing to many people. Props. T H A N K Y O U! I've been on two dating sites recently and what do I see over and over again? Women who want/need honesty, open communication, and trust. I gave that. I thought I was receiving it back, and most of the time I was, but it was m more on the surface from her and not as honest and deep as mine. Again her fears. Time to move on and take my experience and apply it to a new beginning.
For example: I was on a date with another woman and I told her " I would like to visit St. Augustine sometime ,but I am terrible and inexperienced at planning a trip like that. It's hard to find a house or hotel, make reservations, and you need seasonal passes and a lot of planning. My ex W used to do most of that online, it's all new to me.". She responded " I've done that before, I'm good at that. Yes, you're right you do have to plan it out, but i would love to do that. We could plan for a day of visiting the historic sights, a few of the tourist attractions, but also have time to just be with each other and enjoy being away!".
WOW! What a relief to not have the burden of constantly doing the entertaining and planning! I welcome sharing the responsibility and want to have input but not the whole thing! |
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Post by warmways on Mar 22, 2022 19:21:12 GMT -5
I really think you dealt with this well. By your text, you were being vulnerable and showing her that although you do care and love her, you can’t and refuse to allow her to treat you as she did. You were being real.
You got this!
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 23, 2022 19:16:43 GMT -5
I really think you dealt with this well. By your text, you were being vulnerable and showing her that although you do care and love her, you can’t and refuse to allow her to treat you as she did. You were being real. You got this! Thank you for your kind, caring, support!! My son spoke with me yesterday. He said " I spoke with Rafaela yesterday. Did she talk with you?" I asked him " did she come to the house? Did you let her inside? How did she manage to speak with you?" My son said " I was getting into my car to leave and she was leaving nextdoor, she waved at me and came over and spoke with me for 20 minutes" ( so she did get lucky to see him ,and speak with him) Of course I wanted to know what she had to say. He said" she admitted that everything she did was wrong. The way she left was wrong. She's no longer with this guy and she's back at her place" I told him all about our phone conversation, and how I told her that I did not want to see her, or talk to her anymore. These are priceless opportunities to explain to my son what a relationship needs to be founded on. ( trust, communication, honesty and openness. More than just 'entertainment') I explained to him about her fears,and my right to no longer trust anything she says. To judge by actions more than words, and to set boundaries and stick to them. I went on to explain her "fear of commitment", narcissistic tendencies, and about fulfilling my needs and standing up for myself. My son confirmed much of what I told him by replying " yeah you're right! I see your point, no you shouldn't go back to that, you're better off to stay away from her. That's what she said the last time, how she was wrong and doesn't know why, or what she's doing, what a big mistake she made". I then warned him about how much of this is going to be a repetitive pattern, and how we (me and him) need to no longer be a part of it. He wanted to know about my dating? I get the chance to explain to him more of what i want in a future relationship, and how things are different for me at 58 yrs. old than it will be for him at 21. I can't remember having those kind of talks when I was 21 yrs. old ! Hopefully it will be helpful for him in his relationships. |
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 23, 2022 20:03:50 GMT -5
GC: "
These are priceless opportunities to explain to my son what a relationship needs to be founded on. ( trust, communication, honesty and openness. More than just 'entertainment') I explained to him about her fears,and my right to no longer trust anything she says. To judge by actions more than words, and to set boundaries and stick to them.
I went on to explain her "fear of commitment", narcissistic tendencies, and about fulfilling my needs and standing up for myself.
My son confirmed much of what I told him by replying " yeah you're right! I see your point, no you shouldn't go back to that, you're better off to stay away from her. That's what she said the last time, how she was wrong and doesn't know why, or what she's doing, what a big mistake she made".
I then warned him about how much of this is going to be a repetitive pattern, and how we (me and him) need to no longer be a part of it."
Kudos on your parenting! Yes, it was a great opportunity to teach your son about boundary setting in relationships.
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Post by warmways on Mar 23, 2022 22:01:33 GMT -5
greatcoastal
There is real growth here and you’re are showing strength. I agree - kudos on parenting! When you stick to your values it sends him a positive message.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 23, 2022 23:45:37 GMT -5
GC You fucking nailed the conversation with Jr. Right here. My hats off to you! I really think you dealt with this well. By your text, you were being vulnerable and showing her that although you do care and love her, you can’t and refuse to allow her to treat you as she did. You were being real. You got this! Thank you for your kind, caring, support!! My son spoke with me yesterday. He said " I spoke with Rafaela yesterday. Did she talk with you?" I asked him " did she come to the house? Did you let her inside? How did she manage to speak with you?" My son said " I was getting into my car to leave and she was leaving nextdoor, she waved at me and came over and spoke with me for 20 minutes" ( so she did get lucky to see him ,and speak with him) Of course I wanted to know what she had to say. He said" she admitted that everything she did was wrong. The way she left was wrong. She's no longer with this guy and she's back at her place" I told him all about our phone conversation, and how I told her that I did not want to see her, or talk to her anymore. These are priceless opportunities to explain to my son what a relationship needs to be founded on. ( trust, communication, honesty and openness. More than just 'entertainment') I explained to him about her fears,and my right to no longer trust anything she says. To judge by actions more than words, and to set boundaries and stick to them. I went on to explain her "fear of commitment", narcissistic tendencies, and about fulfilling my needs and standing up for myself. My son confirmed much of what I told him by replying " yeah you're right! I see your point, no you shouldn't go back to that, you're better off to stay away from her. That's what she said the last time, how she was wrong and doesn't know why, or what she's doing, what a big mistake she made". I then warned him about how much of this is going to be a repetitive pattern, and how we (me and him) need to no longer be a part of it. He wanted to know about my dating? I get the chance to explain to him more of what i want in a future relationship, and how things are different for me at 58 yrs. old than it will be for him at 21. I can't remember having those kind of talks when I was 21 yrs. old ! Hopefully it will be helpful for him in his relationships. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 24, 2022 4:49:54 GMT -5
Well, crapity crap crap crap. I am sorry to hear about this misfortune, greatcoastal . Hang in there. I can't explain her malfunction, but, I'm pretty sure she pulls this skittish disappearing act on every boyfriend she's had, and will in the future, also. It was a good run. I trust that the next woman in your life will be a better pick. If anything, you've learned that, whatever problem your ex had, it ain't you. The problems this woman has, it ain't you, either. BTW, hold onto those sex toys. Keep that sexual arsenal clean and charged. Sooner or later, you are going to find a woman that will enjoy experimenting with you. I can't explain her malfunction, but, I'm pretty sure she pulls this skittish disappearing act on every boyfriend she's had, and will in the future, also. You predicted this one! Funny story: The other morning when I received Rafaela's "let's be friends" phone call out of the blue, I received another call hours later on my way home from work. It was a friend from this forum (lives in another state) checking up on me to see how I was doing! I asked her " could you please share with me the secret about your psychic powers!! (LOL) I'll give you one guess who called me this morning and what she said?" She responded " Oh no...she called you and wants you back!" I said " you got it right!" WE had a good laugh about it! |
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Post by jerri on Apr 12, 2022 18:25:21 GMT -5
Another selection from the many gems: Her being a commitment phobic -Part of what she did wasn't conscious (deep seated patterns she has carried all her life) and part was very calculated triangulation in the hopes that either the gateman or your son would relay this information to you so you would possibly call. But the most important part of this is: In order for true behavior change there has to be several elements. Some of them escape me. (You realized it just wasn't going to happen. KUDOS my friend!) 1. There has to be genuine remorse for their actions. (she just wanted her foot back in the door, you are fun, I can see why) 2. They have to acknowledge that there is even a problem with themselves 3. Take steps like therapy to correct it because the cycle repeats itself even if they agree that it is toxic to the R. People are really responsible for their own happiness. The "he/she doesn't make me happy" syndrome- well, get off your tush and go make some memories that you can be proud of on your death bed. No one can expect us to make them happy if they can't keep themselves happy. Waiting on the couch wishing and hoping is just not the answer. I am glad you asked your new GF to explore and plan a nice trip for the two of you!!! How refreshing not to need a crystal ball, eh? The idea is, go to the opera but go with your friends, I will even buy you tickets and go every blue moon. Everyone doesn't have to fit the same mold. How boring. Enjoy the rugby match...I may even make you snacks, but it's just not my thing and that is okay. Let's celebrate our differences. Not beat each other up for our own lack of adventure. Not that you did any of this, it is an example. The best lesson I learned from dating is just have an end goal to have fun even be a sounding board if they want to vent. If they want to talk about past R's answer a few questions and keep it light. Going back in time-These men might have been dating other women, I tried to be the most fun without giving in to sex. Which was hard. But I also didn't want to see a man who was quick to jump in the sack. I just didn't want a player... But I waited to long to have sex and look what I got. hahaha  Have her take you for a drive in traffic---how well she treats other in traffic will give you insight into her personality. How well they treat animals is another insight into their persona. What everyone came up with is so powerful. I think that you should be really proud of yourself! I know I am! All of the relationship articles that you shared with her and us really paid off!!! |
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Post by nyartgal on May 2, 2022 8:31:37 GMT -5
Just catching up on your breakup story! Ugh, I can understand why this relationship was so addictive/confusing, but wow, she played a lot of games with you and that also must have been exhausting. Why is she the way she is? I think we all know from our SMs that there’s a limit to how much good analysis of another person’s motivations can help. How many of us presumed “reasons” for our ex not wanting to have sex with us, only to find out later that their “reasons” were something else? All we can do is decided how we want to be treated, and if we don’t receive what we want/need/deserve, it doesn’t matter why really.
It seems to me that you’ve handled the breakup really well, you stood up for yourself in a way that would have been inconceivable when you first joined this community. Be proud of your growth!!
My only warning for the future—and this is universal—is don’t get hooked on a reclamation project. I feel like women are socialized to do it more, but men do it too. By the time you are middle aged, you are who you are...and so are they. Anybody who is going to evolve/grow/expand in middle age will do it because they truly value those things and are willing to do the work. It will come from within, and they will do it even if everyone around them is against it. You did!!
You can drag people to concerts, museums, computer stores, international vacations, etc but it won’t have any kind of magic transformative effect because people are fully formed in middle age. Change comes from within, and by this point most people can’t even change their behavior, forget their character. And it’s SO DAMN HARD to change even if you want to!
So, I hope you can find someone who is actually happy with who she is, who is more fully realized, mature, and honest with herself. I feel confident you will...I see a huge positive progression in your story. You’re unstoppable if you keep listening to yourself.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 29, 2022 14:25:46 GMT -5
Hello everyone!
I wanted to post a brief update.
It's been 9 months since my woman ( Rafaela) bolted on me.
I narrowed it down to her fear of commitment,and that very little, if any, was my fault. ( it took months to come to that realization)
I went through the online dating process. It had it's good and bad.
There where things that my ex woman did not want to do (more fear of commitment) that I have per sued on my own.
Jet skiing, working out, and ballroom dancing.
I took dance lessons 35 yrs. ago and needed a refresher course! It's amazing how much comes back to me! And... how many new things I have yet to learn.
Where I live there are enough dance studios and places to go dancing 7 nights a week!
My dance instructor is a fun woman who loves to play match maker!
I was (paired, set up, matched?) with a woman 6 yrs. younger than me, divorced from her 2nd marriage 9 months ago ( same time my relationship ended with my woman) She also had a sexless marriage. Mostly I want a dance partner that I can practice with, outside of the studio. We both know that we want to date each other!
I will be dancing with her this Saturday night. ( and we both dance with many other people- proper dance etiquette!)
Time will tell. This time I want to take things slower than my last relationship.
Being in opposite land for over 4 years now, I have a different perspective on my needs in a partner. Compared to right out of the gate from a SM!
I am extremely grateful and thankful for my 3 wonderful years together in my previous relationship. Sadly she has problems that I can not fix, and I will be better off moving on to someone else!
The woman I was introduced to at dance, had a 10 day trip to see family in California, and now Hurricane Ian is passing over the house! We will be dancing together this weekend!
I constantly meet new women on the dance floor:
There's Beth- I hear her calling.
Long Tall Sally- she ducked back down the ally!
Lola- She was a show girl...
Runaround Sue- Stay away from Sue!
Peggy Sue- Good by heart!
Mandy- I need her to stay!
Barbara Ann -She takes my hand!
Sweet Caroline- Good times never seemed so good! ( touchin' hands!)
LOL!! What can I say? I just wanna put on my my my boogie shoes....just boogie with you!!!
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 6, 2022 9:17:56 GMT -5
The woman I was introduced to at dance, had a 10 day trip to see family in California, and now Hurricane Ian is passing over the house! We will be dancing together this weekend!
No huricane damage here!
My new date and I had a last minute date for dinner. We finally had some one on one time face to face! All went well!
The next night, we met at a dinner/bar where they give Salsa lessons and play much Latin Music. All was going well.... then another older man showed up and invaded our space.
This was a time when my woman needed to make decisions and show that she has boundaries...she didn't do very well!
In short : We had agreed that she would follow me home that night and see my place. The elderly man who was jealous and invasive to us followed us to my home and got out of his car in my street!!
She confronted him, he left and I refrained from calling the Sheriff and getting a restraining order. It most likely would not have happened ( so I have been advised)
His name will quickly spread in the tight little dance community. What a disaster! And what a way to start things. that man is a real a******!
We both learned more about each other. me: that I have boundaries and a low tolerance, and judge people by their actions and am no longer a victim of always trusting everyone!
Her- that she still wants to take the wrought of dropping it and avoiding it, and that she needs to start enforcing/getting some boundaries!
I am also finding out that my new woman/date seems to want a 'man in her life' yet continues to book herself with classes, parties, and events.
I can imagine years from now, her telling a woman friend " I just can't seem to get a man!" and her friend telling her" of course you can't you never have time you're always socializing, and taking classes! Not much time for a commitment to one person!" ( yes I know it's good to have a social life, be yourself, do what makes you happy, etc, etc...)
I had the complete opposite with my last relationship and we had almost too much time together...
Always learning as life moves forward!
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 6, 2022 11:06:22 GMT -5
Damn GC... I am a sucker for this real life FL salsa bar drama so please continue to bring it. Sorry the date was a mixed bag. My experience has been that women today are bombarded by male attention everywhere and will pursue all promising opportunitites. I realize thats nit exactly what happened here but still, be prepared for serious competition in the dating pool. All was going well.... then another older man showed up and invaded our space. This was a time when my woman needed to make decisions and show that she has boundaries...she didn't do very well! In short : We had agreed that she would follow me home that night and see my place. The elderly man who was jealous and invasive to us followed us to my home and got out of his car in my street!! She confronted him, he left and I refrained from calling the Sheriff and getting a restraining order. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 6, 2022 11:32:53 GMT -5
Damn GC... I am a sucker for this real life FL salsa bar drama so please continue to bring it. Sorry the date was a mixed bag. My experience has been that women today are bombarded by male attention everywhere and will pursue all promising opportunitites. I realize thats nit exactly what happened here but still, be prepared for serious competition in the dating pool. All was going well.... then another older man showed up and invaded our space. This was a time when my woman needed to make decisions and show that she has boundaries...she didn't do very well! In short : We had agreed that she would follow me home that night and see my place. The elderly man who was jealous and invasive to us followed us to my home and got out of his car in my street!! She confronted him, he left and I refrained from calling the Sheriff and getting a restraining order. Most of the people in the dance community seem to be friendly, polite, and stay in their little clicks. They have known each other for a couple of years... but there is always the few! My woman told me " I've danced with him for 2 yrs. during the divorce, I tell him 'NO'. He won't let me go when another song starts and i want to dance with other people. He's very pushy and very forward". ( The man is 31 yrs older than her... CREEPY!!) Yes, she has been dancing for many years with many men, so I expect that, but... she arrives with me and, leaves with me. Many of the other people are married and i dance with their wives, keeping a safe distance, and talking with the Husbands too. Not this guy.... She called him last night to tell him again how he freaked us out, hes inches away from having a restraining order on him, no one is going to dance with him anymore, he's going to be known as a stalker, and to never speak with us again! Here's to new beginnings!! |
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As many of you kindly,lovingly predicted, my ex girlfriend Rafaela, called me today! It's been 2 1/2 months of silence since she bolted.
Have her take you for a drive in traffic---how well she treats other in traffic will give you insight into her personality. How well they treat animals is another insight into their persona.
