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Post by northstarmom on Feb 10, 2022 10:42:49 GMT -5
Listing Greatcoastal's words about problems meeting people, and my response:
GC "I did get involved in my county watercolor society. I was quite good at it. I won many prizes ,county and state. I have over 100 paintings in my closet. However.... Painting means, mostly, sitting at my desk or hours, alone. Carrying my paintings with me and working on them outdoors/indoors, alone. I took a painting class and the society was full of woman decades older than me. ( not my crowd of people)."
Surely there are other art classes you can take even if it means taking them outside of your area such as summer programs, weekend programs, on-line opportunities including discussion groups. And choose the classes based on what you can learn and how good the teacher is, not whether there are women whom you can hit on. If you pursue ways of improving your skills, you will find compatible people. Do these things to pursue your own interest in art -- not to get a hook-up. s. And go to and get involved with art galleries. I have friends who met each other at an art gallery show. They weren't at the show to get a hookup, but because they like art. However, they got into a conversation and now have been together for years. Go to art lectures, become a docent, share your interests. The more likely you do things like this, the more you will find friends and possible lovers whom you have lots in common with.
As for painting outside alone, if you are willing to talk to people, it could be a way of meeting others, including women who are painters. But you'd have to indicate by smiling, body language, that you are open to talking to others.
GC " I was an avid surfer, that too leaves you surfing alone a lot./, after the dance lessons are over, where to go to use them? Tiny bars in town with small dance floors, and people who don't know how to dance? ( and all the drinking, I don't drink) The last dance that I went to in my present town, everyone there was a couple. I was the only single person in the room-- awkward!"
I'd bet there are organizations for surfers or places where surfers hang out. And even though the process of surfing is something one does alone, one can go surfing with other people or meet people while surfing at the beach. As for dancing, if you take group lessons, you'll find that men who love dancing are in short supply. Typically dance studios also have weekly social dancing times. Again, as a man who likes dancing, you'd find it easy to meet women and to talk to them. And presumably, you'd be a better conversationalist than was the man whom I met at one of those socials, who told me he'd just gotten out of jail after killing someone who insulted his friend!
"I did years of ushering at church, greeting people, seating people,parking duty, child care, set up and breakdown, but after church is over, everyone scatters, 95% of the people I knew had little interest in connecting after church."
It's much harder to get together with people after church if you are a married man as you were then. Churches have an abundance of women, many of whom are single. A single man would find it relatively easy to meet potential partners.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 10, 2022 19:41:06 GMT -5
I think northstarmom is likely right about easy pickins at social dances. I thought of billiards, darts, and horseshoes. Two of three of these are at a local piuzza joint/bar near me. The billiards at two other bars less close by. Bowling leagues and poker groups need members. Maybe not a great hunting ground, but sociable. A list of possible activities to fill a single life after divorce would be worthy of its own thread, perhaps separarting out those most likely to be good environments for pairing up. While the "taking time out" stuff sounds good in practice, I'm under a possible delusion that guys just get sad and depressed without intimate company. Women tend to be more whole in and of themselves. I watched my father in law age ten years in the 365 days after his wife died. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 10, 2022 20:38:37 GMT -5
While the "taking time out" stuff sounds good in practice, I'm under a possible delusion that guys just get sad and depressed without intimate company. Women tend to be more whole in and of themselves. I watched my father in law age ten years in the 365 days after his wife died. This has some truth to it, although it's only been a month now. However I found myself looking at other jobs with more hours and benefits. I have to remain grounded/logical about it, one offered me quadruple the pay of my current job (same work) double the hours and -here's the kicker- 3rd shift! ( no wonder it pays so good! ) Goodbye social life! Again, $$$ not everything, it's like a dangling carrot as I recover, ( being tested is part of your testimony). |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 10, 2022 20:51:48 GMT -5
Thank you northstarmom for taking the time for your friendly, wise, caring advice! A funny story about my painting hobby, I had a tent at an art show, and a lady asked me if I do nude paintings? I told her "No , I normally paint with my clothes on" ( LOL) I have six kids at home and it would be difficult to do that. However things are different now. Yes I've done portraits before, paintings of surfers ( some flesh tones) never a full nude. I would like to attempt it , in the future. Not to get laid, and expect that with every painting! Me painting nudes would take a special ,understanding type of woman partner, to be my girlfriend with that as a side hobby/profession! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 10, 2022 21:00:47 GMT -5
My keyboard/computer is messing up tonight! It's something for me to consider in the future, I still don't like the thought of being too isolated at my home desk.
Surfers tend to be loners, they do get together for competitions, mostly teenagers. Many of my neighbors own surfboards but never use them.People I meet at the beach are normally from out of state.
The dance classes are good, for dancing,socializing, and, possibly meeting a potential partner.what i've heard, and experienced ,is that you end up continually paying for lesson after lesson just to socialize, people get burned out on that too. I've been out of the church circle since covid, the few times i've been back it's been cold and distantant with 'covid regulations' I'll be trying again, with time.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 11, 2022 5:09:51 GMT -5
...A funny story about my painting hobby, ...I've done portraits before, ...never a full nude. I would like to attempt it in the future. ... Me painting nudes would take a special, understanding type of woman to be my girlfriend with that as a hobby/profession! Better get started now, while you're single. "Baby, I've been doing this since before I met you. I'm painting. Nothing happens. Well, okay, there were those three times, but nothing else is going to happen." Re: third shift: I met my wife while working night shift. A fella being fresh off a good day's sleep picking you up from work and going straight to dinner/drinks/billiards/bowling is actually a perk. |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 11, 2022 8:00:08 GMT -5
GC: "I had a tent at an art show, and a lady asked me if I paint nudes? I told her "No , I normally paint with my clothes on" ( LOL) I have six kids at home and it would be difficult to do that. However things are different now. Yes I've done portraits before, paintings of surfers ( some flesh tones)never a full nude. I would like to attempt it , in the future. Not to get laid, and expect that with every painting! Me painting nudes would take a special ,understanding type of woman partner, to be my girlfriend with that as a side hobby/profession!"
Want to learn how to paint nudes? Take an art class on that subject. They have live models.
And while you're thinking of things to do, keep in mind that in much of your past, you were basically unavailable to women. You were in a miserable marriage and took major responsibility for raising your many kids. You didn't have time to date nor would you have been a good prospect even for women who wanted to date married men. You are a different person now. Take the time to rediscover yourself and to explore the world and yourself from your new vantage point.
BTW, working third shift could be a plus for you: More money, more time in the day to take classes, visit art galleries, be a docent or do other things to explore your interests. There also are plenty of women who work third shift. Think of possibilities, not reasons to immediately reject options.
Back to your previous experience taking dance classes. Do you like to dance? If you like to dance, take classes. If you were only dancing to try to find a woman, don't bother because dancing isn't really your interest, and if you did find a partner there, you'd probably not be compatible since she likely would love dancing, and you'd only dance as a way to hook up. If, however, you do like dancing, take classes, go to places where people dance. Typically, more women are into dancing than men are. That's why women end up dancing with women in dance halls. But men who like to dance can be extremely popular. Going to dance halls also is a great way to make compatible friends as you tend to run into the same people.
I don't know if you realize it, but if you look at your posts about possibilities, for every option, you post a reason why it won't work as a means of meeting women. Don't look at things from the perspective of -- can I meet a woman who possibly will lay me. Choose options based on whether the option itself would make you happy. Would working third shift with better pay ease your financial situation and thus make you happier or are you financially comfortable with what you are making now? Would you enjoy art classes regardless of who is taking them? In other words, would improving your art skills add to your happiness? Would you enjoy getting back into surfing?
During the last years of my marriage, I started doing things that made me happy. I wasn't looking for a partner, just looking to become more me. I got into Buddhism, acting, singing, yoga, dancing, photography, writing, drawing, and painting. I did various volunteer work. Some classes I took I was by far the oldest person in it, even older than the teacher. But I made compatible friends of all ages and discovered what I loved to do and what I was talented at. My world and I would have been much smaller if I'd only dipped my toe into activities to see if I could find a compatible man.
Ironically, several years later, after I filed for divorce and had gotten to the point of looking for a compatible man, the man I found was in the community theater troupe I'd joined with no thought of finding a man there since most people were LGBTQ. The man was one of the few straight men in the troupe and also had done many of the activities that I'd gotten involved in. in recent years. His hobbies included writing and having taken art, acting, and dance classes. As I had done, he also had served on the local board of our political party (and he had gotten off the board for the same reason I had). Our own self discovery journeys ended up making us the perfect partners for each other.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 11, 2022 8:06:19 GMT -5
My keyboard/computer is messing up tonight! It's something for me to consider in the future, I still don't like the thought of being too isolated at my home desk. Surfers tend to be loners, they do get together for competitions, mostly teenagers. Many of my neighbors own surfboards but never use them.People I meet at the beach are normally from out of state. The dance classes are good, for dancing,socializing, and, possibly meeting a potential partner.what i've heard, and experienced ,is that you end up continually paying for lesson after lesson just to socialize, people get burned out on that too. I've been out of the church circle since covid, the few times i've been back it's been cold and distantant with 'covid regulations' I'll be trying again, with time. I suggest checking in with the local recreation department. In my county the rec dept. regularly offers dance classes at the beginner and intermediate level. Rock and roll(shagging) is still pretty popular down here, but line dancing is often a class option (no partner needed). And perhaps your senior citizen center might offer some venues and activities you might find interesting. Classes here are pretty cheap, $20 for 10 weeks of lessons. That's enough lessons to get the basics down pat. Then you can decide if you want the intermediate lessons. |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 11, 2022 8:51:09 GMT -5
greatcoastal: "
Surfers tend to be loners, they do get together for competitions, mostly teenagers. Many of my neighbors own surfboards but never use them.People I meet at the beach are normally from out of state."
You still can become friends with people from out of state.
And not all surfers are loners. One of the most popular restaurants in my former Florida city was started and owned by a surfer who also socialized with customers. In fact, he's a friend of my partner.
Greatcoastal: "
The dance classes are good, for dancing,socializing, and, possibly meeting a potential partner.what i've heard, and experienced ,is that you end up continually paying for lesson after lesson just to socialize, people get burned out on that too"
When I took dance classes, I happily paid for them because I loved those classes. Unfortunately, my then-husband was miserable taking those classes, so I ended up quitting for lack of a partner who enjoyed dancing. If I'd been single back then, I'd have continued taking classes and also would have gone to the dance halls in my area, but I didn't back then for fear of endangering my marriage. I've taken various types of dance classes since, however, and have met lots of wonderful people through that.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 13, 2022 15:56:53 GMT -5
“Immature love says ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says, ‘I need you because I love you.”
— Erich Fromm
When you don’t feel whole on your own, a person won’t fix that. Read that sentence as many times as you need so that the message sinks in.
I used to believe that I wasn’t whole unless I was with someone. I felt alone, lost, and unimportant if I wasn’t in a relationship.
You see, love doesn’t come after need. It comes before. It’s getting to know someone’s entirety, flaws included. You want them not because they’ve chosen to love you but because you genuinely love them back.
“The way they leave tells you everything.”
— Rupi Kaur
To understand love, you must consider all parts of it: beginnings, middles, and sometimes endings. Because the only thing that will help you move forward and heal from a breakup is reflecting on how a relationship went.
It’s easy to want someone back after they broke your heart. You remember all the good and swear that they didn’t want to hurt you. But a breakup doesn’t have to be mean and careless. The way someone ends love tells of their true character more than the rest of the relationship ever was.
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Post by isthisit on Feb 13, 2022 18:02:27 GMT -5
“The way they leave tells you everything.” — Rupi Kaur The way someone ends love tells of their true character more than the rest of the relationship ever was. Thank you greatcoastal I haven’t heard this before, and think there is a lot of wisdom to it. This goes for many types of relationship too. Romantic, platonic, professional. It is hard to understand not exiting with a bit of class, after all it doesn’t seem too hard to do. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 13, 2022 22:27:13 GMT -5
7. Is this delight in doing things alone again perhaps a sign co-dependence was creeping in? Had you deprived yourself of activities you liked for fear of her being bored/lonely? Something to mind with next partner.
I made it to the gym today!!!
YEA!! for me! Going back,or to the gym has not been that difficult for me ,in the past. I couldn't figure it out this time. Today (Sunday) was uneventful. I was caught up on many things, except the gym. Once I get there it's easy to give it my all.
The gym was quite empty, I basically had the place to myself. Most people had Super bowl plans and activities. (I'm not a sports fan)
I found myself in a depressed mood. Then I figured it out! During our three years together I had asked Rafaela "would you like to go to the gym with me? I have a membership. I would really like you to go with me?"
She always rejected it, said she didn't need it, didn't want to. ( more fear of commitment? Or has never been to a gym? A lot of new things that she seemed afraid of) I did mention that I would go without her. That I could stop in on my way home from work. It never happened. The co-dependence creeping in?! Fear of upsetting her,and wanting to please her.
I realized today that her going to the gym with me ,is something that has a lot of meaning, value, and happiness for me.
My ex never went to a gym. I worked out before I met her,but not during our 25 yrs. of marriage. I let that get taken away from me.
I went back to the gym during my divorce.
I see couples at the gym, and I was always envious of that.
In my eyes, Rafaela is a very attractive woman! I would have been very proud ( an ego boost) to have her with me, as the other men look at her. For once I would have been " that guy". Sorry if it sounds like I'm treating her like a trophy wife.
I would have also gained self confidence by knowing she liked being seen with me, and was proud of me as well.
We went many places together, and I would often compliment her and let her know that " she makes me look good, and that she's the prettiest woman in the whole place!" ( including our times on the nude beach)
I would like the next woman I have a relationship with to want to go to the gym with me. I think it can be an important sharing part of a better relationship.
I'll do fine going alone. The next major hurdle is going back 3 times a week. The first 2 weeks are the hardest, then it becomes routine again!
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 17, 2022 6:35:53 GMT -5
I don't know if you realize it, but if you look at your posts about possibilities, for every option, you post a reason why it won't work as a means of meeting women. Don't look at things from the perspective of -- can I meet a woman who possibly will lay me. Choose options based on whether the option itself would make you happy. As you say "looking for a compatible man". Well part of looking for a compatible woman is filling my need for sex/intimacy.I was fortunate to find that in Rafaela. Her love language is touch, so is mine. She is always aggressive in being physically intimate since the first time I met her. A wonderful quality, character trait, gift, that may be a small % of women, or so I've been told. Rafaela was also blessed with being able to orgasm in seconds and have multiple orgasms. We discovered this together, and over time, where able to perfect it. Our time period of sex/intercourse was 10 minute to 30 minutes, or (when I would take my ED pill) would be 1 1/2 hrs. and continue until later in the day. I read where couples have intercourse/sex for an average of 7 to 8 minutes. I guess we were in the minority, or up there in the top 5%. when it comes to frequency and longevity. Rafaela and I both learned and experienced a huge variety of positions, restraints , methods, locations, devices, etc... for sex and intimacy. If I was to go back to online dating and was filling out a questionnaire, I would have to say " highly experienced" in sex . With a caveat saying ( only with one person). Certainly not the man I was three years ago coming away from my SM. These are things I will be looking for in my next compatible woman. And, of course many other qualities that a normal person would want in a long term relationship. The part that has me puzzled, for now ,is asking for these things as I meet people. 4 years ago in my Divorce Recovery class we had an evening when we discussed" how long to wait before sex". The woman who was leading our group had her own personal opinion of 6 months. The man leading our group had his own opinion of at least openly discussing it by the second or third date, and coming to some sort of agreement, then acting it out, or move on. Who wants another SM relationship. Or finding out the person is terrible at sex and really isn't interested. Part of finding a compatible woman. medium.com/boomers-bitches-and-babes/what-a-study-says-is-normal-sex-for-people-over-50-a0c3d95f72b6 |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 17, 2022 11:07:41 GMT -5
"Is this delight in doing things alone again perhaps a sign co-dependence was creeping in? Had you deprived yourself of activities you liked for fear of her being bored/lonely? Something to mind with next partner.
I made it to the gym today!!!
YEA!! for me! Going back,or to the gym has not been that difficult for me ,in the past. I couldn't figure it out this time. Today (Sunday) was uneventful. I was caught up on many things, except the gym. Once I get there it's easy to give it my all.
The gym was quite empty, I basically had the place to myself. Most people had Super bowl plans and activities. (I'm not a sports fan)
GC:" I found myself in a depressed mood. Then I figured it out! During our three years together I had asked Rafaela "would you like to go to the gym with me? I have a membership. I would really like you to go with me?"
She always rejected it, said she didn't need it, didn't want to. ( more fear of commitment? Or has never been to a gym? A lot of new things that she seemed afraid of) I did mention that I would go without her. That I could stop in on my way home from work. It never happened. The co-dependence creeping in?! Fear of upsetting her,and wanting to please her.
I realized today that her going to the gym with me ,is something that has a lot of meaning, value, and happiness for me."
It sounds like you based your happiness with Rafaela on her doing with you things you enjoyed, and if she didn't do those things, you stopped doing them. It can be wonderful for partners to have some things that they each do on their own-- things they can talk about with each other later. Right now my partner is off with his writing group. It's not something that interests me. However, I'm delighted that he loves that group, has made friends there, and also has even been published as a result of it. I'm also delighted about how much his writing has progressed.
If he insisted that I go, I would feel resentful because right now, that's not one of my interests. I love the fact that we have some individual interests and have some individual friends. I am happy that we are free to explore our interests without needing our partner's involvement or permission.
When I was getting out of my SM, I decided that any man I dated -- in addition to liking sex and being good at it -- had to have these qualities: 1. Havr friends of his own. (My ex didn't have any real friends nor did he seem to want any). 2. Have interests of his own that he pursued. 3. Be open to talking about feelings. 4. Be over his exes (i.e. not still holding bitterness, resentment, anger, but seeing the relationships as lessons learned, including some lessons involving good things) 5. Have the ability to be happy as a single and not rely on me for all of his friendships, social life, happiness.
I remember this quote that was popular in the 1970s:
"I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.”
― Fritz Perls
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 17, 2022 12:07:50 GMT -5
I had decided to change some of my paintings that hang in the living room. I went into the closet where I keep my original paintings, and what did I find? Raphaela's computer that I gave her !( with the cord)
It was buried in my box of framed paintings,stashed in the closet?
Again, it fits her fear of commitment. She doesn't want anything remaining where I can say " look what I did for you".
Just this weekend I ordered a new one to replace my 4 yr old one. Hers is 2 yrs old and rarely used. She would watch old movies on it. Again she refused to learn on it.
What to do?
Sadly my emotions took over. I could feel the tightness in my chest again. I'm going to change my self pity attitude, quickly,and tell myself " eghh...whatever! Hey I've got a better computer!" And use it for myself or give it to my son.
It's got her name on the screen and I don't know her password. I'm glad I can't get on it. I might find things that I'd be better off not knowing about.
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