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Post by sadkat on Feb 5, 2022 22:16:11 GMT -5
greatcoastal : It seems you are firm in your decision that the relationship is over. It is a solid first step- one that many people struggle with. It will make it easier for you to heal, in the long run. Yes, it will be important for you to take the time to resolve your feelings about Rafaela and firmly put her in the past. I also think it will be important to take the time to learn to live alone. Learn to be happy alone, even though you might want to be with a partner. Focusing on you and what makes you happy is important. You will find, once you close the door on your previous relationship and begin to settle into a solo life, other doors will open for you. I am confident you will find fulfillment in time. In the meantime, feel free to continue to post your thoughts here. I am sure many of us will learn from them.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 6, 2022 20:06:56 GMT -5
greatcoastal : It seems you are firm in your decision that the relationship is over. It is a solid first step- one that many people struggle with. It will make it easier for you to heal, in the long run. Yes, it will be important for you to take the time to resolve your feelings about Rafaela and firmly put her in the past. I also think it will be important to take the time to learn to live alone. Learn to be happy alone, even though you might want to be with a partner. Focusing on you and what makes you happy is important. You will find, once you close the door on your previous relationship and begin to settle into a solo life, other doors will open for you. I am confident you will find fulfillment in time. In the meantime, feel free to continue to post your thoughts here. I am sure many of us will learn from them. I greatly appreciate you taking the time to pass along your wise words! That's very kind and sweet of you! Thank you again! I went and had lunch with a friend of mine. He met Rafaela a few times. He liked her, noticed right away how good she was for me in the 'intimacy dept', was glad for both of us how we helped each other, but he too noticed her lack of communication. My friend is a good analyzer. He asked me this question" why do you keep mentioning that you did something wrong" What gives you that idea? Surely she tries to play the victim, but it's clear that you where the victim this time." I kinda stuttered on that one! Me: " because....um.. that's what I read? I read that a lot. That it takes two and that somehow part of the blame has to be on me."I guess... so much that I've read about divorce, narcissism, manipulative control, that says it can't all be the other person, that I'm to blame for letting it happen" He asked " how where you supposed to know this was going to happen? Did you cause it to happen? Didn't she decide to do all of this on her own? Why should you be responsible for this? I responded : " No I didn't expect it. But it was the third time, and each time she came back all apologetic, that she messed up and didn't have much reason for it" ( makes you wonder if she knew all along that she wasn't in it for the long haul, a serial monogamist maybe?) My friend said " well your taking the right step to no longer believe her and have your boundaries". ( this is the kind of advice I needed!) "your a good man! you've got a lot going for you, and a lot to offer another woman. You're not going to date another Rafaela again or a housekeeper, and your not going to date another "D" (my ex) an electrical engineer, you can find someone in the middle" ( Ilike that way of thinking) I told my friend how other people mentioned that perhaps she was waiting for a Christmas wedding proposal? or that she really wanted me to marry her, and was done waiting? He said " Naa, that's just guessing, you told her from the beginning that you're not going to get married again, there's money involved, and how you feel about marriage, and she accepted that from the beginning, and never brought it up". Her leaving may be because you were the one who was ready to settle down , and that scares her to make a commitment, that she's not ready for that, part of her lack of decision making and insecurities" He also mentioned " why do you care about this other guy? What he's like and how he treats her is no longer your concern. Yeah I know you still care about her, but she decided to move in with him, sounds like she needs a place to stay, and most likely would leave him too".
My friend explained to me, "giving is receiving. For most people who feel like they are always the one constantly giving and getting nothing back, that's wrong. They are getting something back. They're getting that satisfaction, that feeling of self worth by giving to someone. You do get something back, it may not be what you want or need"I told my friend I was ready to move on and my concerns about meeting people,dating again and volunteering. he said ( like many others have) find something you like. I then say" okay... but I want to meet a woman, someone close to my age, and when I volunteer I'm going to do the work that needs to be done that I volunteered for, I'm just concerned that I'm going to end up stuck in the back moving tables and chairs again. ( I do find myself volunteering for laborious work- stuff that others don't want to do) He said " well tell them up front, look I'm here to volunteer but I need to meet people. I'm looking to form a relationship. Be upfront about it. And if that doesn't work, try it for a month and move on, nothing says you have to stay". I told him " I always end up staying. I have this strong sense of commitment and filling a need, weather I like it or not". Yeah, you're right, I need to put myself first some more When we where parting I told him, I'm going to try to be open minded again, but more careful. He said " you're not going to date some black lesbian are you!" LOL what a guy! |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Feb 7, 2022 2:16:17 GMT -5
greatcoastal : It seems you are firm in your decision that the relationship is over. It is a solid first step- one that many people struggle with.... ( I do find myself volunteering for laborious work- stuff that others don't want to do) He said " well tell them up front, look I'm here to volunteer but I need to meet people. I'm looking to form a relationship. Be upfront about it. And if that doesn't work, try it for a month and move on, nothing says you have to stay". I told him " I always end up staying. I have this strong sense of commitment and filling a need, weather I like it or not". Yeah, you're right, I need to put myself first some more When we where parting I told him, I'm going to try to be open minded again, but more careful. He said " you're not going to date some black lesbian are you!" LOL what a guy! Your friend had some really great advice for you. I think your lucky to have someone to help you see the situation with some clarity. I am thinking about the volunteering and the commitment that you brought up. Have you considered being committed to yourself? The volunteering is an act but the commitment is to yourself not to that act. Perhaps instead of volunteering in that capacity maybe you want to find a hobby or something you enjoy doing something you can put your time into and it's not about chairs or being in the back of the room. It's about being part of the room. |
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Post by jerri on Feb 7, 2022 7:50:01 GMT -5
After catching up my phone is going to die. A lady came in CODA and said I need all of you to learn about this before you get into a commitment phobic relationship. This is the book she put on the table and said it was her and she fit in the middle of the traits. I will be back later www.amazon.com/Men-Who-Cant-Love-Commitmentphobic/dp/0871319993I think I see her behavior in this book. Especially her bolting unprovoked. They will do this every time they start to feel really bonded/close with the most asinine excuses. Her cutting you off when you give her affirming kind words before you went to sleep is right out of that book. You were perfect for a commitment phobic at first because you were going to stay single. They have traits that alone don't point to commitment phobia but it's a string of behaviors that will scream at you after reading similar stories in the book. If I had to guess she will be back and was fishing for feedback "oh, but he's probably mad at me". Just asking for your number is a step in that direction. One thing CPs are good at is burning 🔥 bridges. Another thing that stuck out as a small but significant behavior was most don't commit to buying things other people buy in society. Licensed but won't commit to buying a car even though you would help her. Also, you rarely will be able to really get to know the the real person and they are not assertive. |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 7, 2022 12:15:04 GMT -5
sweetplumeria said: "The volunteering is an act but the commitment is to yourself not to that act. Perhaps instead of volunteering in that capacity maybe you want to find a hobby or something you enjoy doing something you can put your time into and it's not about chairs or being in the back of the room. It's about being part of the room."
I agree. Take the time to discover who you are at this time in your life and dive into nonsexual interests that you have put off while married and raising kids. This may include taking up hobbies that always interested you but that you didn't have have the time or money to pursue beofre. It also may include things you've always wanted to try but didn't have the confidence to do. Concentrate on doing things that make you happy, not searching for a mate.
Once you find the things that you enjoy, you also will find friends -- and even potential partners -- who have things in common with you. But don't pursue activities just because you think you'll find a partner there. Do things that make you happy and fulfilled.
I found my post SM partner in a politically-oriented community theater troupe that was started by lesbians and had a lot of LGBTQ and disabled members. I got involved because I had always wanted to perform, and I shared their political sentiments. I never looked for or expected to find a partner there. That troupe would have been the last place I'd look for a partner. Indeed, I was (unhappily) married with no thought of divorce when I joined the troupe.
But 3 years later, 8 months after I'd filed for divorce (and I had filed with no man in the wings), a straight guy from the troupe asked me out, my first date with anyone but my ex in more than 35 years. I accepted it thinking it would be good practice. I'd never paid much attention to the man before except to think he had a cute dog. But on our date, I learned that we had LOTS in common, and I appreciated it that he was open about his life, and didn't get a deer in the headlights look like my STBX did when I'd ask him personal questions.
I was not in any kind of hurry and was busy with my life including having a starring role in another troupe's production, so I didn't have much time to date. I was learning lines for the play. We went on about one date a month for a couple of months, and didn't get intimate until -- at my insistence-- we'd been STD tested (important! There are STDs that are fatal!).I also had needed to the time to get to know him and to know that he didn't have traits that I knew I didn't want to be bothered with (For instance, I wanted compatibility in values; a man who was emotionally open; a man who had longtime friends and didn't carry bitterness from previous failed relationships; a man who wasn't needy or in need of a mommy to keep him on the right path) Anyway, by then, I really liked him and knew him very well and it was the BEST SEX OF MY LIFE. We have now been together almost 9 years and even moved to Mexico together.
Bottom line: Get to know you and become the you that makes you happy and fulfilled -- whether or not you find a partner. This will raise your chances of finding a person who's compatible. But explore the world and your interests for you, not as bait to get a mate. And take the time to know and respect yourself enough to know what you won't stand for in any kind of relationship. Think about it: Is a partner who disappears with no explanation, the type of person you want in your life? Do you really want to be with a person who isn't open with you or whom you feel you need to treat like a child who is incapable of selecting decent people for friendships? A good relationship is more than good sex and some companionship.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 7, 2022 19:48:41 GMT -5
Your friend had some really great advice for you. I think your lucky to have someone to help you see the situation with some clarity. I am thinking about the volunteering and the commitment that you brought up. Have you considered being committed to yourself? The volunteering is an act but the commitment is to yourself not to that act. Perhaps instead of volunteering in that capacity maybe you want to find a hobby or something you enjoy doing something you can put your time into and it's not about chairs or being in the back of the room. It's about being part of the room. I did get involved in my county watercolor society. I was quite good at it. I won many prizes ,county and state. I have over 100 paintings in my closet. However.... Painting means, mostly, sitting at my desk or hours, alone. Carrying my paintings with me and working on them outdoors/indoors, alone. I took a painting class and the society was full of woman decades older than me. ( not my crowd of people).I was an avid surfer, that too leaves you surfing alone a lot.I've had gym memberships, and people aren't very talkative at the gym.I did take dance lessons in my early 20's. Was quite good at it! The down part about that was , after the dance lessons are over, where to go to use them? Tiny bars in town with small dance floors, and people who don't know how to dance? ( and all the drinking, I don't drink) The last dance that I went to in my present town, everyone there was a couple. I was the only single person in the room-- awkward!I did years of ushering at church, greeting people, seating people,parking duty, child care, set up and breakdown, but after church is over, everyone scatters, 95% of the people I knew had little interest in connecting after church.
Sports is out for me, A damaged foot, and asthma.
I'm willing to try new things and different avenues , I'm just coming up blank, at the moment as I recover!
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 7, 2022 21:20:28 GMT -5
I'm willing to try new things and different avenues , I'm just coming up blank, at the moment as I recover!
This may not interest you. I have been doing a genealogy search of my ancestry. It's mainly a lone ranger type thing but I'll bet the town where you live or one close by has a genealogy site. It's probably run from the library. Lots of people interested in their family history. |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 8, 2022 0:12:51 GMT -5
"I'm willing to try new things and different avenues , I'm just coming up blank, at the moment as I recover!"
BTDT. Tried a lot of things before finding stuff that really worked for me. Really think about what hobbies you may have but gave up or didn't do because of lack of time, money or confidence. You have nothing to lose by trying a variety of random new things. If you don't like an activity, stop it and do something else. It even may be that what you really want is time alone with yourself, to just go about life for a while without worrying about anyone else. Driving just to drive or listening to music at full blast, just do what you feel like doing. You don't have to turn your music down or be home at a certain time to please a mate or take care of kids. Enjoy freedom.
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Post by jerri on Feb 8, 2022 1:44:18 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 8, 2022 5:21:16 GMT -5
This may not interest you. I have been doing a genealogy search of my ancestry. It's mainly a lone ranger type thing but I'll bet the town where you live or one close by has a genealogy site. It's probably run from the library. Lots of people interested in their family history. Always great to hear from you, love your humor! My ex did lots of genealogy on her family. Never could find her family's origin, she got all the way back to the Lost colony, before Colombus! Mine's easy! Grandpa came to America by boat from Ireland. (I have a very Irish name) |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 8, 2022 5:29:32 GMT -5
That's a good video! I did look up that book but didn't find the video. Yeah, sadly, this fits her to a "T"!I had some of these commitment problems early on after being dragged through my divorce for years. ( most all of it's gone now) I've deleted, and blocked her from my phone. I have to stick to my boundaries and look out for myself. I had another meeting with an old friend and we ended up talking about my retirement plan. I'll be working on that for the next few weeks. That, and improving my rental properties. Thanks for caring, and sharing! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 8, 2022 18:56:27 GMT -5
Well, I went from daily sex for three years to cold turkey!! I don't expect a lot of sympathy or understanding from a SM group. Heck, I wouldn't know what to tell someone in my shoes 3 yrs ago! ( or right now! - all new ground)
I must admit that the daily sex was a good boost to my health and self confidence. I don't want to lose too much of that.
This isn't the first time. I had a similar experience (once) in my early 20's. ( decades ago!) I went 5 yrs after that before having any sex again. I'm hoping ,this time is different. No one night stands, and my time for healing... but NOT 5 years!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Feb 9, 2022 2:30:34 GMT -5
So sorry, on all fronts. I have no words of wisdom, but everything is temporary.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 9, 2022 21:37:25 GMT -5
This may give some insight into her behavior. That's a good video! I did look up that book but didn't find the video. Yeah, sadly, this fits her to a "T"!I had some of these commitment problems early on after being dragged through my divorce for years. ( most all of it's gone now) I've deleted, and blocked her from my phone. I have to stick to my boundaries and look out for myself. I had another meeting with an old friend and we ended up talking about my retirement plan. I'll be working on that for the next few weeks. That, and improving my rental properties. Thanks for caring, and sharing! With Valentines day right around the corner, it's a strange type of RELIEF to not have to worry about buying the perfect gift, going to the perfect restaurant, going out to the perfect romantic location afterwards, etc..... worrying , guessing about doing all the planning, from someone who wouldn't say what they want, basically tell me, "it's to crowded,don't bother, I don't want anything" and then later complain about it! Yeah, the sex won't be there, however....Glad to be free of the mind games, and here's to someone else in the future who knows how to lovingly ask for what they want and appreciate giving back. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 10, 2022 7:04:23 GMT -5
3) What do you call someone who dumps one person and immediately goes straight into another relationship? ( besides unhealthy? There's a psychological name for it?) Found it [ a serial monogamist or commitment phobia] 5) Jonathan told me this Thurs. "Rafaela called me and asked for your number. Since she blocked you she didn't have it. She says she's gonna call you and wants to remain friends". ...Tell her " call me if you need me for anything" because I suspect that I won't hear from her until she needs something. Ask her " what kind of friendship are you wanting from me?" Don't expect her to know how to put it into words, because what she wants is forgiveness. I can forgive those who "know not what they do" but I can not give her trust again. (I would not say that to her though. She doesn't seem to care about that) 6) Jonathan notified me " Rafaela said "she decided not to call you, says you'll just be mad at her". I'm not mad. Hurt, sad, annoyed, confused, but most important I would not trust her anymore. She "shred her cred". To quote northstarmom " that's not healthy". 7) It's actually a relief to not have to answer that phone call! I'm thinking about ways that I can get out there again and start meeting new people, and do things alone again.... 3. You took her back twice. You have zero aversion to commitment. The only way out of serial monogamy is to date more than one lady at once. Not you yet. Maybe never. 5/6. You better stop driving. With your head screwed on that straight, you won't be able to back out of a parking space. 7. Is this delight in doing things alone again perhaps a sign co-dependence was creeping in? Had you deprived yourself of activities you liked for fear of her being bored/lonely? Something to mind with next partner.
He asked me this question" why do you keep mentioning that you did something wrong" What gives you that idea? Surely she tries to play the victim, but it's clear that you where the victim this time."
I kinda stuttered on that one! Me: " because....um.. that's what I read? I read that a lot. That it takes two and that somehow part of the blame has to be on me."I guess... so much that I've read about divorce, narcissism, manipulative control, that says it can't all be the other person, that I'm to blame for letting it happen"Don't change too much. I would like to think both are always to blame. But it can be 50-50, or 90-10. Being aware of your 1,5,10% can help us all be better people. Your humility if likely a winning attribute. Just have a pocketful of slack to give yourself for your slip-ups. I told my friend how other people mentioned that perhaps she was waiting for a Christmas wedding proposal? or that she really wanted me to marry her, and was
done waiting?
He said " Naa, that's just guessing, you told her from the beginning that you're not going to get married again, there's money involved, and how you feel about marriage, and she accepted that from the beginning, and never brought it up". Mm. Not convinced. (not that it matters.)
My friend explained to me, "giving is receiving. For most people who feel like they are always the one constantly giving and getting nothing back, that's wrong. They are getting something back. They're getting that satisfaction, that feeling of self worth by giving to someone. You do get something back, it may not be what you want or need" Commonly, what we receive is appreciation/gratitude/evidence of their happiness. A provider that gets none of these for long enough, often enough. Loses enthusiasm. Your efforts to not take Rafaela for granted may have been what brought her back twice. She felt appreciated/cherished, even though she overdid the generosity and did a terrible job allowing you to reciprocate. Accepting gifts can be a gift. |
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