Life after death part 2. (my profile)

surfergirl - hey, you're welcome. Thanks for seeing it in the spirit in which it was intended! 

(See I can use sarcasm, too. And I don't really have any reason to be jealous, my life is going pretty good - yes, always some problems in some areas, but the direction is positive and I'm in a really supportive, joyful relationship.) 

There's more than one way to wallow! Sometimes people wallow in distraction or busyness. We all have our own coping mechanisms. 

It's good you're having fun. Do it - have a blast. But you honestly won't have time to consider your dates as people and potential partners if you're doing serial dating at that kind of speed. You might get lucky in there, I hope you do. But pausing and reflecting when making a decision that could affect the rest of your life and your children's lives isn't inefficiency. 

There is much more to you than what you've done or how you look. Hang on to that.

I did learn of another way of verifying someone's identity.

Everyone has a GPS on their phone, ask them to take a picture of it and send it to you. That will clarify that they are tuly where they say they are. You also are not giving someone your birthdate and mailing address.

greatcoastal

I want everything you said you were offering, but I would be very scared if someone offered me that much so soon. I’m not telling you that you are right or wrong; I’m just giving you feedback on how I’d react. It seems like a huge present — like a diamond ring — during our first month of getting to know one another.

Those are the basics? It sounds more like an interrogation.

What ever happened to "tell me about yourself" and let the conversation take a life of its own?

You'll likely still get the answers to your questions and you'll get context, non verbals, and mannerisms to go along with them.

Then make your own judgements as to whether you find them honest and trustworthy. But most important you can evaluate if there is any "there there".

I’m actually cutting one off on another window I have open on my computer screen because of the intensity and number of messages..... I feel stalked.

GC said: "
My past, my present, and my future.
my time, patience, and money ( traveling to see you, bringing you to see me, bringing you back home, buying you meals and things)
Words of affirmation, compliments.
My undivided attention.
My sympathy, concern and apathy for your physical and mental health.
An opportunity to say "yes" to take a risk, to let your guard down, to open your heart a little at a time, to be your true self.
An opportunity for a relationship with my family.
My body, and for me to desire yours.
Intimacy and respect for your boundaries.
The ability to date other men, and compare.

An opportunity to learn more of what you truly want and need, in a relationship.
My guidance and faith in God's word."

I agree with Surfergirl: That list is way too much to offer a person you hardly know. And texting and phone conversations over 2 weeks -- even if done a lot -- still don't mean you know a person. If a man sent that to me whom I'd never even met in person -- or if I'd just been dating him in person for a few weeks -- I'd be frightened that he was a stalker, and I'd end the relationship. Men and women who stalk say those kind of effusive promises tend to be people who think they have a closer relationship with another person than is true in reality,and they tend to become jealous and controlling. It would be more reasonable to be offering her a chance for a date and over drinks, coffee or lunch/dinner get to know each other in person.

GC also said: "
It's complicated isn't it!!
Is sex all you want?
Are you single?
Are you a widow?
Are you dating multiple people?
What is your schedule?
Are you expecting to move in with me?
Are you financially independent?
Do you have children? are you expecting me to be their mother/father?
What is your relationship like with your ex?
Why did you get divorced?
Do you have a criminal record? Any addictions? Health issues?"

Much of this is what one learns over the course of the first months of dating someone as you really get to know them and as they open up and learn to trust you and as you learn to trust them and open up. Pouring your heart out, revealing all of your secrets and vulnerabilities to someone you've known only for a few dates or the Internet is typically a mistake because there are many scammers, etc. who are far less obvious than the Nigerian ones you've run into, and whom you could end up in a very dysfunctional or exploitative relationship with if you don't take the time to really get to know them before fully opening up.

Also, a lot of the info on your list is what one can find out by Googling, something everyone should do before dating someone -- especially if you only know them through a dating app. People who appear to be very nice can have things in their past that are red flags. This can even be true of people one has known a long time. I was going to enter a business partnership with a friend of two years whom I had met when he was teaching meditation at a local Buddhist center. He had an outstanding professional reputation that included our both having pursued our profession at the same time in a different, distant city. I asked him to volunteer-- talking about his career-- with a youth group I was involved with. I was going to introduce him, so hours before his presentation I googled him to get specific details about his career. To my surprise, the first thing that came up was a news story of his being arrested about 5 years earlier for deliberately and drunkenly driving his car into the home of a woman whom he was dating. Anyway, I had no clue that he had that kind of temper or a police record or a history of drug/alcohol abuse.

Anyway, I've read that if one appears to be a good match with another person, after some texts and/or phone calls (and I add checking them out on the Internet), it's wise to meet in person to see if the reality of the person matches what they've said and what you've been imagining. One learns a lot from body language, how a person acts in public including how they treat people like wait staff whom presumably they are not trying to impress. And one gets to see if there's chemistry in person. A person can be nice, trustworthy, have lots in common with you, and be a great conversationalist, but even if you find the person attractive, it's possible for you to not be sexually attracted to them.

When I on-line dated it was 5 years ago. I met 2 men, neither of which were good fits for me. I only met with men who appeared to be good fits, however. Before meeting, we e-mailed a couple of times. I also thoroughly reviewed their profile, got their full names, and checked their social media and Googled them. I met one at a popular park downtown. We sat on a bench and talked. In response to, "Tell me about yourself," he spent a lot of time talking sadly about his ex. it was clear to me that he wasn't over her so i told him that I thought he still had some grieving to do, and i wasn't interested in seeing him again. I met the other man, a lawyer, at a local coffee shop. I didn't realize he wanted to date me. He was 40 years younger than me! I thought he just wanted to get some info about meditation. He asked to meet after asking me a question about a meditation I'd mentioned in my profile. To my great surprise, at the end of our coffee date, he asked if I'd like to go out with him. No thank-you! He was my younger son's age!

There was a man whom I really liked on-line, but he lived 1,000 miles away so we've never met. We became Fb friends and still are. Nothing romantic between us, just friendship and good wishes for each others lives including our romantic lives. We've never even talked on the phone.

I remember 3 men who wanted to meet me that i had no interest in. One smoked. I don't choose to be around smokers. I despise the smell, and I don't like their not caring about their health. Another wanted to take me out on Thanksgiving. He was recently separated and seemed desperate to not be alone on a holiday. i also assumed he must not have had friends because even though I was getting divorced, I had a couple of Thanksgiving invitations to be with friends. The third had a profile picture of himself smoking a cigar,  lounging by pool in a swimsuit. His profile indicated he was sensual and had money. I despise cigar smoke, prefer to find out about a person's sensuality in person -- gradually, and I'm wary of men who use their wealth as bait to attract women. I choose men by character not income.

I do think that "Tell me about yourself" is a great question to ask on the first date. You learn so much about a person by how they approach it. The people who are too defensive or are hiding something clam up and try to figure out exactly what you want to hear. Flakey people tell you things that you'd rather not know or that put themselves in such a bad light that one wonders why one is spending time with them.

When I went out for the first time with my now partner of 5 years I'd known him for a couple of years but only as an acquaintance due to our being in a theater troupe together. At most, he'd tell me a lame joke and i'd compliment his beautiful dog. His responses to my tell me about yourself question and my follow-up questions were what caused me to become interested in him. He told me about what he accomplished being president of his junior college's student government. What stood out about it was that during his presidency, his mother -- whom he lived with and was very close to-- was dying of cancer and died a month before he graduated. Despite all of the turmoil of that, he still was an effective president, graduated and managed to speak at his commencement. He wasn't bragging when he told me about this. He was surprised that I was interested. What impressed me was his strength of character in being able to carry on despite such adversity especially since he was a first generation college student who also was working his way through college. I also admired that he was straightforward about who he was. He was from a small town and had grown up poor. He didn't try to hide that info.