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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2018 12:47:56 GMT -5
sG: if you divorced in order to get a better partner that was not the best reason because divorce doesn’t come with that guarantee. No matter how much one has going for you — and you have a lot- you might not end up with a great partner.
The best reason to divorce is because one would be happier as a single than remaining married. If one prefers one’s own company to remaining with one’s spouse, there is little chance that divorce will be disappointing. For me, the proof was when my h took a year long sabbatical without me (I chose not to go. I wanted to know if I’d miss him) on the other side of the world. I was happy when he left, happy when he was gone and when he returned, I felt no joy at his presence. He was an energy drain.
In describing 7 dates in 7 days, you sound like you are on a desperate quest to find a new mate. It might be more helpful longterm to spend more time getting to know yourself and exploring life as a woman unencumbered by a romantic relationship. Since you married so young you’ve never had the chance to grow into yourself that way!and to fall in love with yourself when you’re expressing your own desires and needs, not adapting to a man.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 11, 2018 12:51:21 GMT -5
sG: if you divorced in order to get a better partner that was not the best reason because divorce doesn’t come with that guarantee. No matter how much one has going for you — and you have a lot-/ you might not end up with a great partner. The best reason to divorce is because one would be happier as a single than remaining married. If one prefers one’s own company than remaining with one’s spouse there is little chance that divorce will be disappointing. For me, the proof was when my h took a year long sabbatical without me (I chose not to go. I wanted to know if I’d miss him) on the other side of the world. I was happy when he left, happy when he was gone and when he returned, I felt no joy at his presence. He was an energy drain. In describing 7 dates in 7 days, you sound like you are on a desperate quest to find a new mate. It might be more helpful longterm to spend more time getting to know you and exploring life as a woman unencumbered by a romantic relationship. Since you married so young you’ve never had the chance to grow into yourself that way!and to fall in love with yourself when your expressing your own desires and needs, not adapting to a man. And the same could be said for a man coming out of a failed marriage. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 11, 2018 12:52:58 GMT -5
shamwowThere are days I *seriously* sit back and think, "I lost half my net worth and broke the kids heart for THIS?" My husband ignored me. If I end up loveless, how am I better off? Yes, I do enjoy an empty house than someone in it who ignores me. That's why I concluded that at least this route there was HOPE. In my marriage, there was zero chance of being loved. HOWEVER, had I jumped in the dating pool first? HELL NO. I don't think I would've left..... I don't think I would've had hope of finding someone. It is BAD out there. And how long have you been out on that particular ocean? A few months? My dear, you're still getting pounded by the surf. |
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Post by surfergirl on Oct 11, 2018 13:02:58 GMT -5
shamwowTrue, true. Just wondering how many dates (and me saying, "oh? you have a restraining order against you?") before I get jaded. (I'm not there yet, and I'll take a break when I do.) Finding a needle in a haystack is going to take time. Just wish there was a way to narrow down and be more efficient.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2018 13:35:56 GMT -5
shamwowTrue, true. Just wondering how many dates (and me saying, "oh? you have a restraining order against you?") before I get jaded. (I'm not there yet, and I'll take a break when I do.) Finding a needle in a haystack is going to take time. Just wish there was a way to narrow down and be more efficient. I'm not in the dating pool (and hope never to be) so take my advice with a grain of salt. Forget Tinder. Figure out what you would like to learn, and how you want to improve yourself. Take classes, go on Meetups, take up hobbies. Finding a partner isn't a project and treating it as one may be self defeating. But finding someone who has something in common with you whose company you enjoy....much easier, less pressure, and chances are, more rewarding in the long run whether or not he is The One. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2018 13:48:04 GMT -5
Shyndude said: “Forget Tinder.
Figure out what you would like to learn, and how you want to improve yourself. Take classes, go on Meetups, take up hobbies. Finding a partner isn't a project and treating it as one may be self defeating. But finding someone who has something in common with you whose company you enjoy....much easier, less pressure, and chances are, more rewarding in the long run whether or not he is The One.”
I agree with this. Learn, explore, develop yourself until you are happy in your own company. Then whether or not you have found a partner, you will still be more fulfilled than you are now. Make yourself your project.
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Post by javba on Oct 11, 2018 14:37:42 GMT -5
shamwow There are days I *seriously* sit back and think, "I lost half my net worth and broke the kids heart for THIS?" My husband ignored me. If I end up loveless, how am I better off? Yes, I do enjoy an empty house than someone in it who ignores me. That's why I concluded that at least this route there was HOPE. In my marriage, there was zero chance of being loved. HOWEVER, had I jumped in the dating pool first? HELL NO. I don't think I would've left..... I don't think I would've had hope of finding someone. It is BAD out there. SurferGirl -t's realistically true on SO MANY levels, Women breaking glass ceilings, Men usually earning more and being intimidated because HISTORICALLY they've been measured by their paychecks The other affirmation I have for you is being cast to LIFE TIME CELIBACY such as in a SLM is worse than Dating Pool, to me at least any time of the day/ week even if I need nursing care. The unfortunate truth is as we age all the polish, courtesy, and restraints as well as reasons to stay in marriage are stripped away. Not all of us will get lucky but without leaving we do not even stand a chance to get lucky. I know I'll lose more than 1/2 worth and end up likely 1/4 of what I live in now, but like our friend IronHamster has affirmed "divorces are expensive because they're worth it" |
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Post by javba on Oct 11, 2018 15:19:25 GMT -5
PS. If you have an Acura NSX lying around, I'll take it.
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 11, 2018 15:24:29 GMT -5
to those currently in the midst of it - I think it sometimes takes a lot of dates and a lot of luck. I dated for two years and only had one 2nd date in that mix. It was ok. When I got bored or frustrated I stepped away. The stepping away was a useful exercise. And to be honest I really wasn't ready.
My partner - I think he dated for a couple of months before he lucked out and found me! ;-)
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 11, 2018 17:23:34 GMT -5
shamwow True, true. Just wondering how many dates (and me saying, "oh? you have a restraining order against you?") before I get jaded. (I'm not there yet, and I'll take a break when I do.) Finding a needle in a haystack is going to take time. Just wish there was a way to narrow down and be more efficient. Stay with Tinder. I get 3 to 4 different woman, close to my age, in my area liking me on Tinder every few hours. That doesn't mean I will hear from them. When I write to them, they may not respond back. It is like finding hay in a needle stack! But it does give me practice. Like I once asked before I was divorced on ILIASM, about "practice dating". What it has done for you, and will continue to do for you, is help you better DEFINE WHAT YOU WANT. Sitting alone in the back of church isn't going to do that. Going to a Christian singles meetup group on a Friday night full of people in there late 60's praying for cancer, isn't going to do that. Having dinners with other woman who have given up on men, isn't going to do that. You mentioned how you are already learning more of "what you want" now comes discovering "who that person is going to be". Side note: You do travel in your career? One advantage you can offer is the desire that builds between two people by being absent. That could help a long way in abstaining your desire for each other in a LTR compared to daily living together, like in a marriage. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2018 17:34:18 GMT -5
Fresh out of a long sm and building a life around her h since she was a teen, she needs to define who she is as an independent single woman now before figuring out what she wants in a partner. She needs to explore and know her adult, independent self. That’s of more importance now than finding a partner to glue herself to before allowing herself to come into her own. She won’t know who she wants til she knows who she is.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 11, 2018 17:43:03 GMT -5
Fresh out of a long sm and building a life around her h since she was a teen, she needs to define who she is as an independent single woman now before figuring out what she wants in a partner. She needs to explore and know her adult, independent self. That’s of more importance now than finding a partner to glue herself to before allowing herself to come into her own. She won’t know who she wants til she knows who she is. Or worse. Without that period of self discovery and reflection it is possible she will slide right back into another situation like she just left. After all she knows nothing else. @choosinghappy is a great example of how to do this. |
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Post by surfergirl on Oct 11, 2018 18:53:17 GMT -5
You guys.
I am ALREADY living my dream and doing what I want. I built three companies, and I managed to buy out my ex in the divorce of the last and most profitable one.
He got EVERYTHING else: beach house, primary residence, airplane, furniture, etc. I got my business and clothes.
I can’t get a hobby or go to meet ups. THIS IS MY LIFE. I’m about to buy out (absorb) another company. This is my jam. I’m good at it. I’m ALREADY doing what I love. I just won’t meet anyone in this line of work. I network but all the good ones are married.
It feels like you aren’t listening to me when you suggest I get a hobby....
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2018 19:05:40 GMT -5
You guys. It feels like you aren’t listening to me when you suggest I get a hobby.... Apologies. I just got the (possibly false) impression that you are looking for a guy the same way you look at a business deal, with efficiency and a look at return on investment. I'm suggesting that you put the search on the back burner, do what you enjoy and spend your free time with enjoyable leisure activities instead of another project. Things have a way of working out. (If you want to continue the search, I keep seeing ads in airplane magazines about high end matchmakers for high powered professionals... maybe worth a shot.) |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2018 19:07:11 GMT -5
You married as a teen, created businesses and had 5 kids. You have never really lived life as a single adult. There is much more to you and to life than you have explored. You won’t learn about it including your own possibilities if you jump straight into another romantic partnership.
I’m not saying get a hobby. I’m saying that before you get into another ltr first learn who you are and can be when uncoupled. While you are far ahead of most people in terms of being successful at business you are way behind most your age in terms of knowing yourself as more than a mom, wife and business woman.
Until you learn more about yourself you are likely to get involved with the type of man you’ve spent most of your life with. That’s the type of man whom you will feel comfortable with. He may look different from your ex but will behave similarly.
My impression is that you fill your life with work and other projects to avoid being alone with yourself and coping with your own feelings.
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