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Post by shamwow on Oct 17, 2018 9:34:20 GMT -5
Women are complicated. They want a man who makes them feel safe and secure. They also want to feel desired. In our society, men are usually expected to take the lead here. When a man expresses desire, it is a spectrum with apathy (why isn't he in to me) on one end and intensity (woah buddy slow down) on the other. You've got to get it just right, and what is just right can vary greatly from woman to woman. If she guesses wrong? She gets used and thrown away. On the safety front, it ranges from nice guy (zzzzzzz) to bad boy (am I gonna get raped). If she guesses wrong the consequences could be life threatening. Now, let's add some spice to the mix. We are going to do this all online where you have no idea if the person you're talking to is even remotely who they say. On the other hand, for some reason this environment also tends to remove all civilized constraints from some men. They do and say things to a woman they would NEVER do in person ("wanna fuck" or unsolicited dick pics). So the bar for a good man is pretty low. So GC, reading your posts here, you seem to need to tone the intensity down. There is a reason that women like "cool" guys. They are not threatening. I doubt any woman getting to know you is going to think you will rape her. But stalk her? Oh yeah. Cut off the interrogation techniques and promises of a blissful future together after two weeks and I suspect you will have MUCH better luck. How about this? By telling about yourself, and offering yourself, you are asking for the same thing in return. That is taking the lead. Things like, I like to dance, I like to ride my bike early in the morning, and at night. I like to paint, I go surfing near my house, I keep a clean house, I am financially independent. I work out regularly,I crave intimacy! Intimacy leads to sex...etc.... These are excellent approaches! Be sure to ask what SHE likes at LEAST as much as you share with her. People tend to like people who are interested in them. I have not done online dating so don't know what it is like. It seems to me, though that it encourages a "fire hose" approach to these things. Everything out at once. Now. To me, that seems like the biggest drawback to online dating. A good relationship develops over time as a trickle of discovery. Not a water canon used to put out fires or knock back protesters. Slow it down to a trickle. It sounds like you have many interesting things to discuss. Personally I am curious about how you have been a truck driver, worked in an optometrist office, and home schooled 6 kids. Christ, you must have a TON of stories! You just don't need to get them out in 2 weeks. You will leave the lady interested and wanting more. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 17, 2018 9:48:58 GMT -5
Shamwell said: "Maybe it is semantic. After all, ballofconfusion certainly have discussed all of the things I label as "interrogation" on your part.
The difference is that our conversations have taken place over the course of months. It will be two years since my first message to her in February. And even last weekend we discovered new "triggers" with each other. It takes time to get to know someone. "
I agree with Shammy. I also think that getting into a romantic relationship with someone one has met on a site like this one is different than getting into a relationship with someone whom you've connected with on a dating site. People's posts here (with the rare exception of people like the 'too big in the pants" troller) are not posting to try to impress others or to attract dates. They are sharing honestly about various aspects of their lives that normally people wouldn't discuss on a date with a stranger. We get a good idea of what people are like here. We know who has depression problems, is insecure, has anger problems. We know whom we'd like to know better and whom we feel we connect with. I've met one person from this site in person. Except for not knowing what she looked like until she sent me a picture just before we met, i felt like i was meeting an old friend. We both had shared so much on this site and through FB (we'd also become fb friends) that we had a conversation. It wasn't at all an interrogation.
If, however, I had been meeting her to see if she were a good fit as a romantic partner, what i would have been looking for in that meeting was chemistry. Whether I found her physically attractive, was drawn to flirt with her would have been important. That's something one can't tell until one meets in person because so much of sexual chemistry is based on pheromones and other things that are unconscious.
I still think it's best to get to know someone over time and not to initially start with a list of questions that one wants answers to about things that most people don't talk about with strangers. When it comes to people who would answer honestly and completely GC's list of questions, I have concerns about their judgment and ability to set boundaries. It is unwise to trust someone just because they say they are trustworthy. Indeed, often people who say they are trustworthy are the complete opposite. It's also unwise to tell one's secrets and vulnerabilities to a person one doesn't know well. There are manipulative people who deliberately gather such info so they can use it against the person who shared it. Thus, I think it's wise to take the time to observe someone over time and in different situations before giving them one's secrets and heart. I am not saying that one should be completely closed for months. I'm also not saying that one should present a fake persona. I am saying to get to really know someone before revealing to them one's deepest pain, secrets, and vulnerabilities. See how they treat you and respond to less emotionally charged information before you reveal more. See over time whether they are honest before you decide that they are really the person they are presenting to you.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 17, 2018 11:01:41 GMT -5
Yes it must be different.
However the online dating seems different too. On Tinder (where I met the two ladies I am talking about) you get 3 to 4 pics, a name, age and location. No profile.
On other paid dating sites you get a profile ( the interrogation is already done) it's up to you to trust it as being true. A few of the men and women on here have reported about the dishonesty in a picture and a profile. Numerous others have posted reports on sites like sitejabber and consumer affairs.
Which all leads me to an understanding that if I am going to get anywhere with this person "I have to gain their trust", and the same goes for me.
The last woman I went out with I reminded her, " a lot of these things we talked about we will want to talk about again". That was because we just scratched the surface. And yet we shared about 120 text back in forth, in one night. It just kept going,and going, and going....
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 17, 2018 11:09:24 GMT -5
To northstarmom@ "GC, you tend to see me in a way that I am not.I am not bipolar nor am I like your "manipulative controlling" ex.
No,no,no, my defination of my mother and our family relationship, was in no means meant to reflect upon you. I apologize if it came across that way.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 17, 2018 11:13:26 GMT -5
GC said: "The last woman I went out with I reminded her, " a lot of these things we talked about we will want to talk about again". That was because we just scratched the surface. And yet we shared about 120 text back in forth, in one night. It just kept going,and going, and going...."
Given that Tinder only shows "get 3 to 4 pics, a name, age and location. No profile." I can see why you have questions for the person. Wondering, though, since things took off so well at first with the last woman you went out with after 25 or so texts, did you consider getting on the phone and talking that night?
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 17, 2018 11:34:10 GMT -5
GC said: "The last woman I went out with I reminded her, " a lot of these things we talked about we will want to talk about again". That was because we just scratched the surface. And yet we shared about 120 text back in forth, in one night. It just kept going,and going, and going...." Given that Tinder only shows "get 3 to 4 pics, a name, age and location. No profile." I can see why you have questions for the person. Wondering, though, since things took off so well at first with the last woman you went out with after 25 or so texted, did you consider getting on the phone and talking that night? Yes I did!! But when things are going that well, and it's all a new experience, why rock the boat? Part of those text was setting up our date for the next day. There was also 5 different exchanges of pictures. ( children, homes, pets, and selfies) Knowing we would meet face to face and then talk more. One thing she shared with me about her work was an experience that happened to her the day before. A large 300lb man tried to kill her at work. It took 4 other men to restrain him and the 4 men were injured. She had not eaten all day and had gotten very little sleep. Naturally I asked her where she was parked and offered to walk her to her car. I told her " I certainly understand your fears from what happened to you the other day". I then went on to say, " when I drove my truck I walked into the unknown daily by myself. The streets of Hoboken , Queens, The Bronx, downtown Philly, and truck stops at 3:00 in the morning loaded with hundreds of parked rigs and having to walk between them all the way up to the truckstop to use the phone! I am used to it, and hardly think about it!" |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 17, 2018 11:50:44 GMT -5
GC said: "One thing she shared with me about her work was an experience that happened to her the day before. A large 300lb man tried to kill her at work. It took 4 other men to restrain him and the 4 men were injured. She had not eaten all day and had gotten very little sleep."
Wow! How horrible!
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 17, 2018 12:03:37 GMT -5
How about this? By telling about yourself, and offering yourself, you are asking for the same thing in return. That is taking the lead. Things like, I like to dance, I like to ride my bike early in the morning, and at night. I like to paint, I go surfing near my house, I keep a clean house, I am financially independent. I work out regularly,I crave intimacy! Intimacy leads to sex...etc.... These are excellent approaches! Be sure to ask what SHE likes at LEAST as much as you share with her. People tend to like people who are interested in them. I have not done online dating so don't know what it is like. It seems to me, though that it encourages a "fire hose" approach to these things. Everything out at once. Now. To me, that seems like the biggest drawback to online dating. A good relationship develops over time as a trickle of discovery. Not a water canon used to put out fires or knock back protesters. Slow it down to a trickle. It sounds like you have many interesting things to discuss. Personally I am curious about how you have been a truck driver, worked in an optometrist office, and home schooled 6 kids. Christ, you must have a TON of stories! You just don't need to get them out in 2 weeks. You will leave the lady interested and wanting more. After going back and forth for about 25 text, and getting some basics out of the way I asked her,"please tell me what you are wanting and needing from aman? Now and in the future?" She started with, " good question, and I've thought about it a lot. My last marriage ended because he was asexual. He stopped kissing me on the wedding day." and it went on from there. her longest, lengthiest answer. It sounded like Tinder has been her only experience online, and a bad one. she had told me that I was lucky because she was getting off of tinder. It's sad to have to doubt such things. It all needs time. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 17, 2018 17:18:57 GMT -5
I think we've all learned from this thread that we should end conversations with people who start them from Nigeria. :-) I'm trying to RESUME my conversation with a business associate in Nigeria. Our business venture started fine after I wired him the requested funds. But he seems to have taken ill or such since I have not heard back from him. I'm growing concerned for his well being. Hopefully he will reach back out soon. I've got a child support payment due on the first of the month and am counting on our lucrative profits to make it. 🤞 |
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Post by baza on Oct 17, 2018 18:22:25 GMT -5
Brother greatcoastal . All these adventures, discoveries and suchlike problems you are finding as a single bloke are way better problems to be dealing with than the problem of being in an ILIASM shithole. And, if these adventures, discoveries and suchlike happen to turn up a decent candidate, you are in a position of availability to take the matter forward. That puts you streets ahead of people still stuck in their ILIASM shithole. I am not in any position to offer dating advice (no current experience - and back in the day I was rotten at this social skill anyway) but as a general principle, I used to go on dates for a bit of fun primarily, with no expectations. Often, even this low expectation didn't happen. |
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 18, 2018 12:12:07 GMT -5
shamwow - I actually DO have a business partner from Nigeria! He doesn't live there now though.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 21, 2018 9:38:14 GMT -5
greatcoastal I want everything you said you were offering, but I would be very scared if someone offered me that much so soon. I’m not telling you that you are right or wrong; I’m just giving you feedback on how I’d react. It seems like a huge present — like a diamond ring — during our first month of getting to know one another. All of those things are not a one time gift. They last and endure. I offered her opportunity with someone who wants to move forward. To have set goals, and to work toward those goals. TOGETHER. ( I would benefit and receive back as well). Those things start small and build and build. I offered a firm foundation, it was rejected. Some people are still living in the past and will remain in the past. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 21, 2018 9:53:41 GMT -5
“I offered her opportunity with someone who wants to move forward. To have set goals, and to work toward those goals. TOGETHER. ( I would benefit and receive back as well).
Those things start small and build and build. I offered a firm foundation, it was rejected. Some people are still living in the past and will remain in”
What you offered was not starting small. It was what people tend to offer when they know another person very well over a significant period of time and are ready to advance the relationship to marriage or something similar. Many people would fear that someone offering what you were in the early stages of a relationship was a potential stalker or was a person who fell deeply and quickly in and out of love. Her rejection of you may have nothing to do with her living in the past.
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Post by Handy on Oct 21, 2018 12:43:51 GMT -5
What greatcoastal is offering, I have seen/heard women offer about the same thing and the men hearing it get a sense the woman wants to get married ASAP and that scares men so the men withdraw. Offering what you want to give is a balancing act between two people and with both people the balancing point is a partial unknown that can varry from person to person and also depends on how long the relationship has been in force.
Too much for the OP and the relationship suffers. Too little for the OP and the relationship suffers. Getting it right is tricky.
greatcoastal, I am not dating but I suggest you take into consideration what some of the women are suggesting, slow down a bit.
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Post by Handy on Oct 21, 2018 22:18:54 GMT -5
GC, the following video reminded me of your current situation regarding accepting or rejecting opinions and help from other forum members. The main parts are ego, blind spots, and seeing dating through the eyes / opinions of other people in similar situations.
The speaker is in financial services / investments, but many of his ideas work in everyday relationships.
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