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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2018 19:12:19 GMT -5
You guys. It feels like you aren’t listening to me when you suggest I get a hobby.... ... I also noticed that you were being discussed in the third person. Some might call that gossip. I hope and suspect that you will find your way. We're all trying. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2018 19:16:59 GMT -5
Fresh out of a long sm and building a life around her h since she was a teen, she needs to define who she is as an independent single woman now before figuring out what she wants in a partner. She needs to explore and know her adult, independent self. That’s of more importance now than finding a partner to glue herself to before allowing herself to come into her own. She won’t know who she wants til she knows who she is. I definitely agree with this viewpoint. However, to each his/her own. There are some people who really, truly, actively want a relationship and don't feel complete without one. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. I think the fear of being alone is also probably a top fear for many people, and that fear is often a driver in the immediate rush to date post divorce. I have that fear myself, so I won't fault anyone for it. I think it's important to be aware of it though, and if we find it's present, to avoid dating because of it. Fear of being alone is not a good reason to date.
I've already decided that I won't be dating for 6-12 months past my divorce. I just don't think I'm ready emotionally. I also want to be sure my kids are settled before I get absorbed in dating. Honestly, right now, I just don't feel I need it. There's plenty of time for that. What I want right now is time with myself. Time to just enjoy and love myself and heal from my marriage. Besides, my life is fun and full! I'm finally happy and at peace. No need to rock that boat. :-)
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Post by baza on Oct 11, 2018 21:32:41 GMT -5
Personally, I think that this entire ILIASM group is NOT particularly about the sex, NOR particularly about the marriage, NOT particularly about whether you go or you stay, NOT particularly about our spouses behaviours. NOT particularly about potential new relationships.
Sure, these things are all part of the picture, but they are side bars to what it's all about.
What I reckon it IS all about, is us sorting out our own shit.
Dealing with our own issues.
Making fully informed choices in our longer term best interests.
Owning our own choices.
And I reckon that by adopting this 'sorting your own shit out' will - as a by-product - tend to sort out other things in your life....like your relationships with other people.
Some relationships will be enhanced as you sort your shit out.
Some relationships will be depleted by the process.
Some will radically change.
Some will end.
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Post by surfergirl on Oct 12, 2018 22:33:22 GMT -5
@shynjdude is correct that I’m approaching this like a business deal. I’m incredibly impatient with inefficiency, and I feel like my mind is going to explode if I do not find a more systematic way to streamline this process.
🤷♀️
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Post by baza on Oct 12, 2018 23:55:35 GMT -5
@shynjdude is correct that I’m approaching this like a business deal. I’m incredibly impatient with inefficiency, and I feel like my mind is going to explode if I do not find a more systematic way to streamline this process. 🤷♀️ I reckon with the judicious use of dating sites, having a lively social life and suchlike, you probably can "speed up" the process of sourcing (or discarding I guess) new blokes. But the next bit - finding out about one of these blokes so sourced and what they're like etc etc - can't be sped up (in my opinion). Getting to know someone takes as long as it takes....and that will vary from bloke to bloke. "Where" and "how" you sourced the bloke won't make any difference to how long it takes to get to know him. That'll take about the same time whether you met him at the pub, on the net, at a party or at a business function. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 13, 2018 7:18:41 GMT -5
Sg saId: “hynjdude is correct that I’m approaching this like a business deal. I’m incredibly impatient with inefficiency, and I feel like my mind is going to explode if I do not find a more systematic way to streamline this process. ”
This is an example of why you would benefit from spending time as an unattached woman getting to know yourself as well as the world from that perspective.
There is little comparison between finding a romantic partner and creating a business deal. Finding a romantic partner especially for a longtime relationship like marriage is far more than checking off boxes as quickly as possible. That’s orobabay how you ended up marriedas a teen to a dud and then staying with him so long.
Being desperate — which is what you are — doesn’t help the process either nor does assuming one has no need of personal work to become healthier and more aware of important things about relationships.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2018 12:47:50 GMT -5
Being desperate — which is what you are — doesn’t help the process either nor does assuming one has no need of personal work to become healthier and more aware of important things about relationships. Ouch. Is there really any point in speaking to people this way? I think, given that so many of us here have suffered long enough in our marriages, it's imperative that we just be KIND to one another.
NSM, I'm disappointed in your hurtful rhetoric, particularly for someone so educated as you claim to be (psychology, no less, isn't it??). I would love to see the tone of your posts be a bit more supportive and a bit less judgmental. There is a way to offer an opinion without being offensive.
I don't agree with SurferGirl's approach either, but she doesn't need my agreement. It's her life. Not mine. She probably doesn't agree with mine! She gets to make her decisions, and I get to make mine. At the end of the day, we all make mistakes and learn lessons, just different ones.
I'm tired of not speaking my mind. You've bullied folks here for long enough. Time to check yourself. |
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Post by surfergirl on Oct 13, 2018 13:04:23 GMT -5
northstarmom wrote, “Being desperate — which is what you are — doesn’t help the process either nor does assuming one has no need of personal work to become healthier and more aware of important things about relationships.“ I’ve been in therapy for 2.5 years. I read like a maniac. In addition to checking your rudeness, perhaps you should follow my posts more carefully before correcting my life.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 13, 2018 15:57:31 GMT -5
“Ouch. Is there really any point in speaking to people this way? I think, given that so many of us here have suffered long enough in our marriages, it's imperative that we just be KIND to one another.”
I stand by characterizing as desperate a person who expected to have found a longterm new partner just a few months after divorcing, and who also will go on dates with 7 different guys in 7 days. Being desperate is not a slur. It’s a description about a person’s Level of need.
I apologize for forgetting that SG has been in therapy for a couple of years. I do still think that Sg could use some time exploring who she is as a woman who no longer is married and caged in the box that being partnered puts one in. Many people have time to do such exploration in their late teens and early twenties. Her teen marriage and then bearing and being responsible for 5 children prevented that sort of exploration.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2018 19:40:14 GMT -5
@shynjdude is correct that I’m approaching this like a business deal. I’m incredibly impatient with inefficiency, and I feel like my mind is going to explode if I do not find a more systematic way to streamline this process. 🤷♀️ Schedule lots of time for non-work related fun. And make sure you have some.  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 13, 2018 20:12:59 GMT -5
My month with Passion.com has ended. Fortunately my credit card no. had changed or I would have automatically been billed another month. I avoided the cancellation hassles I've read about.
My pic, and profile will remain there. I can always see if anyone has viewed my profile. However ,if I want to view their profile it costs $$. I also learned how many women don't have a profile at all, and then there were the ones who needed money.
ironically the number of profile viewings I had been getting tripled a day or two before my month was over. Again, woman 20+ years younger than me from different states and countries. Just more clarification of just how untrue most of it is.
I do get to log on, and see woman between the ages of 40 and 60 who live within 20 miles of me who are online. It is always the same 10 who are not interested in me, or me in them, for various reasons ( woman who wanted black men only, woman who want SIZE only, woman who want MMW, etc..)
I did, however get a better understanding of what I am looking for. Knowing what you would like, and what you would ask for, is better defined after good and bad experiences.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2018 20:51:23 GMT -5
“Ouch. Is there really any point in speaking to people this way? I think, given that so many of us here have suffered long enough in our marriages, it's imperative that we just be KIND to one another.” I stand by characterizing as desperate a person who expected to have found a longterm new partner just a few months after divorcing, and who also will go on dates with 7 different guys in 7 days. Being desperate is not a slur. It’s a description about a person’s Level of need. I apologize for forgetting that SG has been in therapy for a couple of years. I do still think that Sg could use some time exploring who she is as a woman who no longer is married and caged in the box that being partnered puts one in. Many people have time to do such exploration in their late teens and early twenties. Her teen marriage and then bearing and being responsible for 5 children prevented that sort of exploration. Please stop talking about any of us like we aren't in the room?
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Post by surfergirl on Oct 13, 2018 21:46:28 GMT -5
Surfergirl is in the HOUSE. I made my splash here on ILIASM confused and bewildered THIS YEAR in January, fully married for 21 years. You guys HIT ME WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAD. And I took it and thanked you for the feedback. I swallowed it. I processed it. And then my divorce was final in June. That has to be some kind of RECORD on the forum. A medal for speed-processing at least?Any long time members want to chime in if you've ever seen a story go that fast on the forum? It would've went even faster if I didn't have my moment of FLAILING. However, northstarmom , I've been called a lot of things and "desperate" is not one of them. It just doesn't fit. Maybe you see my SUPER HOT dating life as reckless. I have to shove them all in one week so I can be fully present the next 10 days I have my kids. I'm having a BLAST. I don't really care what you think because you're not there; you're pulling this stuff out of your ass. You also accused me of subjecting all my dates with my Divorce Woes, which is also NOT TRUE. I process that in therapy, not on first dates. You could run your mouth if I was already engaged. I'm just having a GREAT time and meeting a lot of people. Lots of free dinner too.  |
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 15, 2018 13:10:36 GMT -5
surfergirl It really isn't a competition - there's no prize for getting a divorce more quickly after hitting the forum. northstarmom was already divorced when she got here. Maybe that's a record? I really don't want this to sound like I'm picking on you - but you have a tendency to fall back on your accomplishments (which no one is doubting!) and sometimes it sounds a bit like bragging. I do understand you've worked really hard - but it sounds a teensy bit like desperation. So does 7 guys in 7 days... I'm not sure you can really process who they are as people in that amount of time or process how you feel about them. Dating these days is a numbers game, but whenever I got too hung up on numbers I'd take a little rest from dating. I'm afraid that there really isn't a shortcut - tech has already helped created shortcuts and it sounds like you're using that. But you DO have time for hobbies if you have time to go on 7 dates. If you don't need or want a hobby that's ok, too.
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Post by surfergirl on Oct 15, 2018 19:22:09 GMT -5
elkclan2Wow. Thanks for the awesome support. Does anyone have anything positive to say like, “Hey, surfergirl, glad you didn’t wallow in deep depression and you’re getting outside instead of wallowing for years in your grief and Lifetime movies.” Anything have something to offer other than constant criticism or jealous ranting? Bueller? Bueller....?
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