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Post by northstarmom on Sept 24, 2018 21:24:13 GMT -5
FWIW, when I entered the dating world after 36 years of monogamy with my ex, I wanted a monogamous FWB with a compatible man whom I could trust. A big reason for this is that I wanted to greatly reduce my chances of getting an STD including herpes, which condoms does not prevent. I also feared AIDS, which may not be as automatically fatal as it was in the past, but still is a disease that for most lasts a lifetime, requires expensive medications, impairs one's health, and restricts one's romantic prospects. Before engaging in sex with a partner, I also got tested and required that he get tested for STDs. I also used condoms until I felt I could trust him to be monogamous, something I had discussed with him before we had sex.
I agree with sadkat about being put off by grammatical errors in profiles. I think it's important to put one's best foot forward just as one would when sending a cover letter for a job.
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Post by sadkat on Sept 24, 2018 21:41:06 GMT -5
You sound respectfully defensive greatcoastal đ. But- no offense taken. I can tell you very specifically what I want out of a post SM relationship and, because of what Iâve been through over the past 20 plus years, I wonât settle for anything less- Iâd prefer to remain single. When and if Iâm ready for online dating, Iâll be taking northstarmomâs advice. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 24, 2018 21:47:19 GMT -5
I agree with sadkat about being put off by grammatical errors in profiles. I think it's important to put one's best foot forward just as one would when sending a cover letter for a job. I don't. I find it annoying, narrow minded, and extremely picky, like judging a book by it's cover. It reminds me of the "hypocrites at church". There's way more to life than a grammatical error. My daughter with her 5 learning disabilities proves that to me daily. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 24, 2018 21:54:44 GMT -5
You sound respectfully defensive greatcoastal đ. But- no offense taken. I can tell you very specifically what I want out of a post SM relationship and, because of what Iâve been through over the past 20 plus years, I wonât settle for anything less- Iâd prefer to remain single. When and if Iâm ready for online dating, Iâll be taking northstarmom âs advice. That's a heep of generalizations. Care to be more specific? My ex was full of generalizations. I've learned to not tolerate them and accept facts, and to ask for them. What was defensive? What specifically do you want out of a post SM relationship? What specific parts of your 20 yr won't you settle for again? You can remain single all your life and have a committed relationship. You don't have to be married to do that. You don't even know if you will ever be ready for online dating "if I am ready for online dating". Neither do I, but I'm taking a risk, trying new things and openly discussing it. Which advice? There's multiple pages of it!! |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 24, 2018 23:33:01 GMT -5
GC said: "I don't. I find it annoying, narrow minded, and extremely picky, like judging a book by it's cover. It reminds me of the "hypocrites at church". There's way more to life than a grammatical error. My daughter with her 5 learning disabilities proves that to me daily."
Sure, there's way more to life than grammatical errors but one puts one's best foot forward on line in terms of all aspects of one's profile presentation. And people do judge books by their covers in on-line dating sites as well as libraries and bookstores. If people didn't judge books by their covers, publishers wouldn't pay graphic artists lots of money to design book covers.
Just as if one wants to have one's best chance at getting a job it's wise to have someone edit one's resume and cover letter the same is true of on-line profiles. People are likely more forgiving of errors in chats and message boards, but not in one's initial presentation which other's would expect reflects you at your best. It would be like going out on a first date and having a big stain on one's shirt or a big hole in one's sock.
I've also read that many women prefer to date men who are highly educated while men are less likely to want to date highly educated women. So, since grammatical errors can reflect one's level of education, women may be more put off by them than men are.
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Post by dallasgia on Sept 25, 2018 1:09:24 GMT -5
GC
Thanks for sharing - I find this interesting.
This questionnaire gets right down to business, doesnât it? Lol. I havenât ever been to any dating site so I found this thread enlightening.
Observation: early on you state your sex life as little âthatâs why Iâm hereâ yet later on you state you are STD free with frequent testing⌠granted I am very much out of touch with this process but to me that sounds like a curious inconsistency.
Press on brother,
Keep in healing.
Keep on sharing.
Hugs
What is LTR? Or, NSA. Or any of those really.
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 25, 2018 1:19:38 GMT -5
I don't. I find it annoying, narrow minded, and extremely picky, like judging a book by it's cover. It reminds me of the "hypocrites at church". There's way more to life than a grammatical error. My daughter with her 5 learning disabilities proves that to me daily. This is clearly a hot button for you, and youâre making it a âhill to die onâ. You think youâre just filtering out the grammar nazis who are nit-picky; youâre not. People *are* judgmental by nature; they *do* judge your book by your cover. They get a general impression, often without consciously knowing why, and use that to decide whether to invest time in learning your qualities. Itâs the same reason you probably shower, shave, dress nicely, and act like a gentleman when going out. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 25, 2018 6:11:34 GMT -5
I don't. I find it annoying, narrow minded, and extremely picky, like judging a book by it's cover. It reminds me of the "hypocrites at church". There's way more to life than a grammatical error. My daughter with her 5 learning disabilities proves that to me daily. This is clearly a hot button for you, and youâre making it a âhill to die onâ. You think youâre just filtering out the grammar nazis who are nit-picky; youâre not. People *are* judgmental by nature; they *do* judge your book by your cover. They get a general impression, often without consciously knowing why, and use that to decide whether to invest time in learning your qualities. Itâs the same reason you probably shower, shave, dress nicely, and act like a gentleman when going out. This. Youâre limiting your options, plain and simple. Even if it âshouldnâtâ be that way, it is. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 25, 2018 8:00:21 GMT -5
This is clearly a hot button for you, and youâre making it a âhill to die onâ. You think youâre just filtering out the grammar nazis who are nit-picky; youâre not. People *are* judgmental by nature; they *do* judge your book by your cover. They get a general impression, often without consciously knowing why, and use that to decide whether to invest time in learning your qualities. Itâs the same reason you probably shower, shave, dress nicely, and act like a gentleman when going out. This. Youâre limiting your options, plain and simple. Even if it âshouldnâtâ be that way, it is. I think you prove my point ,weather you realize it or not, I don't think people should limit their options just because of a grammatical error. My entire life has been mostly blue collar. Very little writing and spelling involved. Mostly filling out forms and Rx's. Then doing the labor. This website is the most typing, writing, and computer use I have ever done in my entire life. I am a hunt and peck typist. If I had left long ago due to the destructive criticism I received about my grammar and spelling, I would have missed out on all the help I received (and was able to give back) in my entire divorce and healing process. One of my favorite books is " The Millionaire Next Door" I fit that mold. I am also reminded of who Jesus chose to be his twelve disciples. One other experience to share. I meet more people and present myself when I am looking my worst. When I volunteer to do clean up work after hurricanes, and when I am out maintaining my properties and others, or maintaining my own house. People come up to me and ask me about mowing their yard or who owns this property? And I act like the gentleman that I am. Before I know it I am talking about real estate, investments, return on investments, tennants ,the market, etc... while I'm covered in sweat and dirt. Also this is Florida, you learn to not worry about what you wear, it's hot here. Do I dress casual, semi casual, semi formal, casual/formal? The heck with that! Just go and be yourself! |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 25, 2018 8:31:38 GMT -5
Iâm guessing Iâm well known here for typos, odd phrasing, and grammatical errors. Most of what I type here is on my iPhone and due to the inexplicable insertions of spellcheck and my cataracts which arenât bad enough for surgery, sometimes when I use my laptop to read over my old posts I find errors that make me cringe. Does this make me decide to triple check all of my posts or only use my laptop to post ? No. I view the people here as friends who know me well enough not to write me off for a typo or grammatical error. If people here do write me off for such reasons, I figure itâs their loss as I am long past my sm do am here to offer advice and support.
But when it came to job hunting or wriying a dating profile or writing a letter of complaint to a business, I use my laptop and triple check. I want to be taken seriously and to not be ignored or written off for a trivial reason that I could have prevented.
When one posts a dating profile, one is being assessed by strangers who will spend as little as a few seconds reviewing you. Theyâve donât know the content of your character, only how you portray yourself. Theyâll give more leeway to high demand people than low demand people.
Thus, men looking for hookups with women are always in lower demand than are women looking for hookups with men. Typically, a lot of women who are on hookup sites are prostitutes, aspiring sugar babies, thieves or bots. Unless hookup- seeking men are willing to pay in some way they are likely to have to trade down and it would be to their great advantage to use every means to portray themselves as favorably as possible.
Middle aged and older men looking for long term relationships are in greater demand and are likely to be able to trade up and grt more leeway when it comes to the minutiae of their profiles.
GC you appear to be on a hookup site. Otherwise, the site wouldnât expect you to describe your dick in your profile, things that are not encouraged on sites designed to help people find relationship partners not quick lays. Women can afford to be super picky in hookup sites as several women here who have used such sites have posted elsewhere.
Still, all of this is just conjecture when it comes to how women will respond to you so I hope youâll continue keeping us in the loop about the results of your forway into online dstimg.
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 25, 2018 8:40:30 GMT -5
This. Youâre limiting your options, plain and simple. Even if it âshouldnâtâ be that way, it is. I think you prove my point ,weather you realize it or not, I don't think people should limit their options just because of a grammatical error. My entire life has been mostly blue collar. Very little writing and spelling involved. Mostly filling out forms and Rx's. Then doing the labor. This website is the most typing, writing, and computer use I have ever done in my entire life. I am a hunt and peck typist. If I had left long ago due to the destructive criticism I received about my grammar and spelling, I would have missed out on all the help I received (and was able to give back) in my entire divorce and healing process. One of my favorite books is " The Millionaire Next Door" I fit that mold. I am also reminded of who Jesus chose to be his twelve disciples. One other experience to share. I meet more people and present myself when I am looking my worst. When I volunteer to do clean up work after hurricanes, and when I am out maintaining my properties and others, or maintaining my own house. People come up to me and ask me about mowing their yard or who owns this property? And I act like the gentleman that I am. Before I know it I am talking about real estate, investments, return on investments, tennants ,the market, etc... while I'm covered in sweat and dirt. Also this is Florida, you learn to not worry about what you wear, it's hot here. Do I dress casual, semi casual, semi formal, casual/formal? The heck with that! Just go and be yourself! I understand your point and I agree with it. However, my point is that we live in a Tinder-oriented world. People swipe left (or is it right?) based on snap decisions. Yes, they are likely missing out. Yes, the content of a person is much more important than the cover. But fewer people will choose to examine that content if the cover is a turn off to them; especially in this immediate gratification world we are in. I realize thatâs not the idealized world but itâs the reality. You have the choice to do things in your favor to make reality work for you (e.g., put your best foot forward), or you have the choice to take a silent stand because it âshouldnâtâ be that way, therefore limiting your own options. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 25, 2018 8:40:55 GMT -5
If you are basically looking for sex it seems that you're on the right dating site. However, if you're looking for more such as a romantic, sexual and emotionally intimate relationship with a woman who has similar values including sharing your spiritual beliefs and appreciating your being a dad, I think you're on the wrong site. Based on the site's template you seem to be responding to, it seems like a site designed to help people meet sexual partners. Otherwise, i can't imagine any reason to include in your profile the size of your dick and whether or not you're circumsized or are into s&m. For instance, while I have my preferences, far more important to me are the size of a man's heart, his ability to be compassionate and empathic, his sharing of my political and social values, and having a spiritual/religious path that is compatible with mine. I'd want him to view sexual intimacy as important in a romantic relationship, and I'd want him to be sexually functional, but unless a man literally had a micropeen (a dick the size of a baby's), dick size or circumcision/noncircumcision would not be a deal breaker for me. I believe you've made a mistake in ruling out eharmony. The two women I know who used it definitely did like sex. One was mid 60s, had been a widow for 8 years after a marriage that had included frequent sex until her husband became bedridden a few years before his death. A couple of years after he died, she got involved in a hot affair with a younger married man. After a while, she got tired of that and realized she was over her grief over her husband enough to start looking for a new husband. She decided to use e-Harmony and ended up connecting with a man her age, religion and who also had similar interests and was interested in sex. They have been married now for 6 years. The other woman I know who used eHarmony was in in her mid 50s and in the process of divorcing. She lied on e-Harmony and said she already was divorced (You have to be single, widowed or divorced to be on e-harmony). She was in a sexual/relationship with a single man but wanted to move on because she didn't view him as a good potential longterm partner. She definitely likes sex and told me she was having a very active and fulfilling sex life with her romantic partner but wanted to find someone more financially stable for a longterm partner. She ended up not finding anyone on eHarmony -- perhaps because potential partners found out she had lied about being single. I suspect there aren't a lot of women like her who'd use e-Harmony. She is a Christian, active in her church, prominently wears a cross, but her lying and cheating behavior isn't in line with Christian values. Anyway, consider whether you are using the right platform and giving the kind of message that would attract to you the kind of women and relationships you'd want. From the women you've described who've seemed interested thus far, I think you're attracting women hoping to be sugar babies. Great that you've included your interest in dancing. if it is true that if a woman enjoys dancing and is fun to be with, you'd be glad to go dancing with her even if she's not a great dancer, say that. Otherwise, women who aren't great dancers may think that you'd only like to be with other great dancers. You're suggesting that with "strong lead" but that may go over their heads. You've always indicated that your church is important to you so that would be important information to include in your profile along with some info about what activities you enjoy at your church. Since at least in the U.S., people are no longer hanging out with people whose political orientation is very different, including your political leanings would help you find a compatible woman. Saying what you enjoy reading also would help with this. I would agree. If you would have asked me two years ago where I would meet the woman of my dreams, an online sexless marriage forum would have been at the absolute bottom of my list. I can only assume ballofconfusion felt the same. greatcoastal, don't let any preconceptions of what types of women are or are not on this or that site get in your way. Put out lots of feelers. It's a numbers game. I will leave specific advice on what women like about your profile up to the ladies here (spoiler alert - you're not my type). However I will agree with one other poster. Spell check and grammar check the hell out of it. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 25, 2018 8:58:58 GMT -5
GC Thanks for sharing - I find this interesting. This questionnaire gets right down to business, doesnât it? Lol. I havenât ever been to any dating site so I found this thread enlightening. Observation: early on you state your sex life as little âthatâs why Iâm hereâ yet later on you state you are STD free with frequent testing⌠granted I am very much out of touch with this process but to me that sounds like a curious inconsistency. Press on brother, Keep in healing. Keep on sharing. Hugs What is LTR? Or, NSA. Or any of those really. LTR: Long Term Relationship. STR: Short Term Relationship. NSA: No Strings Attached. FWB: Friend With Benefits. AP : Affair Partner. I have had no experience with any of these, I learned these from my 2+ years on here ILIASM. I can imagine someone else would wonder how I know all these things, but I have no experience? I learned them on a ILIASM sight. Yes , it's all a new experience for me too. Some of the questions have answers to choose from, and no place to write in your own answers, so you have to pick the one that comes closest. The STD one is an example. I learned on this sight about having the paperwork to prove that I'm STD free as I enter the dating world. So I had that done during my divorce. I haven't needed it before. I don't get to explain all that in my profile. Another example is the question:What types of sexual activities turn you on? It gives a list and you check off the boxes. I had several, my profile only shows one. I don't know how to change that. I doubt it's that important, there are woman on here who don't even fill out the questions. I still send them messages asking for more information, and I receive it. The woman who do take the time to write to me profess to be inexperienced at hooking up and are more interested in getting to know you better first. Then possibly sex and intimacy. I 'think' I prefer that. Then again I have no other experience in a no strings attached, I don't want to hear all your drama, let's get down to sex! experience. I doubt I would prefer that, yet I do have an experience like that, 28 yrs ago, with no regrets. I know of another who shared their experience on here, and was glad to know that they are desirable and can perform. All a learning experience, isn't it? Thank you for your encouragement! |
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 25, 2018 9:06:09 GMT -5
I think you prove my point ,weather you realize it or not, I don't think people should limit their options just because of a grammatical error. Um... ;-) You do realize thatâs exactly what *youâre* doing? To NorthStarMomâs point, itâs one thing to typo in casual dialog. Itâs another to do it on the signs in your storefront windows. You asked for feedback, and youâre getting it... and arguing with it. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 25, 2018 9:17:04 GMT -5
I think you prove my point ,weather you realize it or not, I don't think people should limit their options just because of a grammatical error. Um... ;-) You do realize thatâs exactly what *youâre* doing? To NorthStarMomâs point, itâs one thing to typo in casual dialog. Itâs another to do it on the signs in your storefront windows. You asked for feedback, and youâre getting it... and arguing with it. Okay, good friend, I am learning from it, and getting to express my thoughts. Something I shied away from in my marriage with the controller. I was far to passive. I want very strongly to be able to continue to have a voice, an opinion, and feedback in my future endeavours. Many times after I have hit the "send" I see a mistake and have no idea how to change it and no one to ask about it. It is what it is. I spelled shied "shyed" knowing, that's not correct, but it's a word I haven't spelled since middle school. Spell check fixed it for me. I get prove wrong too. I spelled it "proove" thinking "proof", my meds and seizures have not helped over the years. Here I am though. |
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