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Post by itsjustus on Jun 5, 2016 14:41:04 GMT -5
Thank you Chatter Fox . That was a really nice post. I'm in a holding pattern now so I haven't had much to say. I thought maybe I could disappear unnoticed, but I guess a mini-update is in order, if I can articulate it. I don't have words or even cogent thoughts to describe exactly what is happening in my marriage now. I have detached enough from the outcome that I am no longer a sniveling mess. Whichever way this thing turns, I'm going to be just fine. At the same time, I have also begun showering my husband with love. I don't know where that love came from, but it came. And he is responding to it. I'm loving him because he's a human and he deserves my decency, even when he can't manage it himself. He's promising changes again, heard that before, but b/c I don't care about the outcome, he's free to follow through or not. I told him recently that I will not go forward in the state we're in, but I'm no longer brow beating him over it. There's an expression from Al-Anon "you do you and I'll do me," and that probably best expresses what I'm doing - me. Hitting the gym, loving my self, taking care of myself, nurturing friendships, doing the things I love to do. If he does himself and we meet in the middle, great. If not, well, it is what it is. Wow... How did I miss this? I need to get back on here more. This is one of the most...beautiful things I've read in a long time. And extremely interesting. You have a strength few have, to just let it go, let go of the outcome, because you've announced that you WILL NOT, rather than DON'T LIKE. And you took all the pressure off, both of you. No more browbeating. Why would you? You have made a decision, a choice. He is free to follow it, promises or not, and it's making him want to change, because you don't care anymore. You're focused on taking care of you.
What an interesting experience. What an interesting experiment... What an interesting thought....
It is what it is. You're going to be just fine.
(updates! Regular!! Please!!) LOL.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2016 22:27:20 GMT -5
Wow... How did I miss this? I need to get back on here more. This is one of the most...beautiful things I've read in a long time. And extremely interesting. You have a strength few have, to just let it go, let go of the outcome, because you've announced that you WILL NOT, rather than DON'T LIKE. And you took all the pressure off, both of you. No more browbeating. Why would you? You have made a decision, a choice. He is free to follow it, promises or not, and it's making him want to change, because you don't care anymore. You're focused on taking care of you.
What an interesting experience. What an interesting experiment... What an interesting thought....
It is what it is. You're going to be just fine.
(updates! Regular!! Please!!) LOL.
Thank you for reading that and for caring, itsjustus. I still feel pretty new here and haven't made many (any?) meaningful connections. I'm the type (INFP - if you read the Briggs Myers thread) that can just disappear into thin air (I'm hard to get to know). The temptation not to come back and not to update has been great. But, in keeping with my experiment of letting go of the outcome, I need to stay on this board - to validate myself and the experience I have had in this marriage, of it being sexless, of my husband's narcissistic tendencies, of the alcohol dependency. It's all still true. Writing it all down, getting comments from all of you, has made that part of my life real. And that's when things started to get interesting - when I quit resisting the truth that my marriage wasn't meeting my needs or making me happy. From there, and after a couple of posts here where I was in a puddle of tears, I decided that the only thing I could change was me. Forget about him. As I began to really toe the line between 2 possible outcomes - staying in this marriage or getting out, instead of falling definitively into one camp or the other (which has been my pattern in the past), I realized the only constant in either outcome was ME. So it is now, officially, all about ME. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a self-respecting way. I'm working on my emotional eating. I'm at the gym and losing the 20 pounds of anger and sadness I have gained (8 pounds down). I'm eating better. I'm seeing friends. I'm flirting shamelessly with men. I haven't been this happy in ages! And, I had a talk (the talk?) with my husband which ended in a way I would *never* have expected. I mentioned this in another thread, so my apologies for repeating myself. After I basically said I was done with the marriage, my husband finally kind of agreed and I immediately went silent. I knew then it wasn't what I wanted, at least not yet. It's still in my back pocket, but for now, with kids, I'm not ready to leave. And yes, there was reset sex. I didn't think I wanted it ever again with him, but I'm weak. A girl should NOT have to go that many months without. It's criminal! So, for now, I'll love him because he is a human and the father of my children. And I am finding that the more love I give to him, the better his behavior is. The less I get annoyed with his faults, the better we get along. I'm cautiously optimistic. INFPs have this habit of seeing the best in people, even when there isn't much there. It's both an asset and a liability. I acknowledge that he most likely will never change, but for now, if we can get along, I can stay. I feel better about myself all the time. Allowing myself to flirt has been great for my confidence. The guys at my gym are sexy. I have a major crush on one. He wraps his arm around me and makes my knees weak. And then there are the dads in my area. There's one I know who will soon be served divorce papers (he's clueless). I have my eye on him, and I flirt shamelessly every chance I get. I would never cheat, but damn - the dude is cute and smart and sweet. A girl can fantasize. This flirting is new for me. I have never, ever, in my marriage flirted with other men. I have gone so far as to avoid contact with other men out of respect for my husband and my marriage. I allowed my husband to "keep me under his thumb." No more. I will not break my vows, but I'm sure as hell going to flirt. After all, this thing could go either way, at any moment. The flirting gives me the confidence to know that if I leave, I'll find someone. And I'm still doing my exit plan. My training will be done in a couple of years. I'll have my walking papers, if I still want them. Call me crazy, and I'm sure some will, but for now, this is the best I can do. It is an experiment for sure, itsjustus, but so far the outcome is good. I do it one day at a time and if the results don't measure up, I know what I need to do. And I am not afraid to do it. And I'll be in the best shape of my life when I do. (sorry for the long post - I do not have the gift of being succint) |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 5, 2016 23:16:54 GMT -5
@elle, it sounds like you're in a very healthy place emotionally.
When marriage is good, detachment and indifference are the last thing you should want - that's not what marriage should be about. But when it's headed for the rocks and you have to make tough decisions, being emotionally indifferent is essential for making sound decisions.
(And if it comes to negotiations, it's said that the party who's emotionally invested in the outcome will get the bad deal, because they're willing to sacrifice unreasonably to get what they want.)
Meanwhile, congratulations on some positive news in your world. Perhaps he will make something of this opportunity.
DC
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Post by JMX on Jun 6, 2016 7:27:46 GMT -5
@elle - I also do the same - see the best in people - always (ENFP). It is a great quality in getting along with many, it is a really, really terrible trait in our current situations.
Sincerely love what you are doing now - taking care of yourself. Looking back, I landed at ILIASM September of 2013. Had I done what you did, and stopped focusing on him and rather worked on myself, I suspect that I would have been much farther along and much more prepared.
Anyone reading this - when you first land here, you will get a sense of power that you hadn't had previously. It's because you finally found a place where you are understood. It validates your misery. You start to feel a momentum, the thought of leaving creeps up and you think you can do it! Maybe you can, but seriously, take stock in the fact that it's a process and potentially a lengthy one! Try to shift your thinking inward - to yourself as early in the process as you can. Not only will your decisions become more clear, you will mentally be in shape to handle whichever way you go.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 14:22:50 GMT -5
@elle - I also do the same - see the best in people - always (ENFP). It is a great quality in getting along with many, it is a really, really terrible trait in our current situations. Sincerely love what you are doing now - taking care of yourself. Looking back, I landed at ILIASM September of 2013. Had I done what you did, and stopped focusing on him and rather worked on myself, I suspect that I would have been much farther along and much more prepared. Anyone reading this - when you first land here, you will get a sense of power that you hadn't had previously. It's because you finally found a place where you are understood. It validates your misery. You start to feel a momentum, the thought of leaving creeps up and you think you can do it! Maybe you can, but seriously, take stock in the fact that it's a process and potentially a lengthy one! Try to shift your thinking inward - to yourself as early in the process as you can. Not only will your decisions become more clear, you will mentally be in shape to handle whichever way you go. , you are right, absolutely a terrible trait when we are paired with someone that doesn't offer their best. But, what's a girl to do when she's an INFP/ENFP? Our liabilities are also our best assets. And amen to the sense of power. Being here has definitely given me that. Grab it and run with it, I say. So what if it's a long process, life's a marathon. We just have to keep moving forward, one day at a time. We WILL get there, eventually. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 14:24:20 GMT -5
@elle , it sounds like you're in a very healthy place emotionally. .... Perhaps he will make something of this opportunity. DC DC, "yes" to the first and "I should be so lucky but won't hold my breath" to the second.  |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 6, 2016 15:22:11 GMT -5
DC, "yes" to the first and "I should be so lucky but won't hold my breath" to the second. Well, I didn't want to sound pessimistic, but yeah... Don't hold your breath. Not a bit. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 18:08:49 GMT -5
DC, "yes" to the first and "I should be so lucky but won't hold my breath" to the second. Well, I didn't want to sound pessimistic, but yeah... Don't hold your breath. Not a bit. Well that would just be suicidal now wouldn't it?? |
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 6, 2016 20:53:28 GMT -5
@elle , it sounds like you're in a very healthy place emotionally. .... Perhaps he will make something of this opportunity. DC DC, "yes" to the first and "I should be so lucky but won't hold my breath" to the second. That's because you are finally breathing....kind of nice, isn't it?  |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 21:40:12 GMT -5
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 6, 2016 21:57:41 GMT -5
@elle, I've just started breathing better too. Feels wonderful. Makes laughing easier.... And it beats crying, any day, lol. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 9:46:18 GMT -5
@elle, I've just started breathing better too. Feels wonderful. Makes laughing easier.... And it beats crying, any day, lol. Amen to that!! Let's keep flying high. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Jun 7, 2016 13:13:39 GMT -5
The only person in this world that you can control is yourself. If you leave a unhappy situation it does not make you a hater unless you already are a hater. You are leaving because you are a lover. A lover of yourself and the potentially loving life you can have.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 7, 2016 13:18:02 GMT -5
The only person in this world that you can control is yourself. If you leave a unhappy situation it does not make you a hater unless you already are a hater. You are leaving because you are a lover. A lover of yourself and the potentially loving life you can have. How many times can I hit the like button on this one? |
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Post by holdingontoit on Jul 28, 2016 8:18:33 GMT -5
holdingontoit I don't know anything about you or your life, or why you are making the choices you are, but this is such an obvious question I guess someone needs to ask it. Let's say you live another 20 years (don't know how old you are either!) - are you happy that you will look back from your hospital bed and feel you made the right decisions for you? Yes, from here forward I think I am making the right decision for me. Do I wish I had made different choices 20+ years ago? Yes. I have a plan and I am pursuing it. I expect to accomplish my goal. Anyone sane would say it is a foolish plan. To me, sanity is over-rated. |
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