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Post by bballgirl on May 24, 2016 10:02:21 GMT -5
@elle I get that and it got to a point that I got scared he would have a heart attack or stroke because he's in his fifties and you never know. Fifty and a neglectful life style is a time bomb. I'm overweight however I go to all of my yearly check ups and blood work and I exercise. I mean what fun would sex be if you have no cardio endurance! Anyway I think depression, fantasy, avoidance and OCD definitely plays a role with individuals who are neglectful with a lot of areas of their life. HA! To not have enough cardio for a 10 minute sex workout would SUCK. I'm going to have a seat. Please blow me. No kidding! That person would not be compatible with me! Hence the man whose plane fell out of the sky got the "I'm not right for you" text the next day. He was not overweight but had zero cardio endurance or hold himself up. Lesson learned: do something physical with a person before you hit the sheets to gauge their endurance. Even if it's just going for a long power walk. |
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2016 10:17:20 GMT -5
HA! To not have enough cardio for a 10 minute sex workout would SUCK. I'm going to have a seat. Please blow me. No kidding! That person would not be compatible with me! Hence the man whose plane fell out of the sky got the "I'm not right for you" text the next day. He was not overweight but had zero cardio endurance or hold himself up. Lesson learned: do something physical with a person before you hit the sheets to gauge their endurance. Even if it's just going for a long power walk. As part of your on-going Discovery Channel Post SM Documentary special, please incorporate a decent cardio workout into EVERY first date. The results will be hilarious. And if he fails the cardio test, the next day's text will be "It's not you, it's me. I really need to tone down the activity levels in my life." |
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Post by holdingontoit on May 24, 2016 10:19:47 GMT -5
Yes, I feel better when I exercise. But I also desire sex more when I feel better. And if I were physically capable of performing, I would also desire sex more. So I would be much more frustrated. And more tempted to cheat, since I might be able to perform acceptably with another partner. So feeling "better" ends up making me feel worse.
If we aren't going to have sex, then I am going to be depressed. So if I am not going to leave (and I'm not), then I am better off being depressed. Being depressed makes it easier to tolerate not having any sex. I don't want to feel "better". I don't want to feel at all. Exercise weakens the blanket of depression, helping the feelings sneak through. I am trying to avoid leakage, so I avoid exercise.
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2016 11:27:26 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2016 12:24:37 GMT -5
HA! To not have enough cardio for a 10 minute sex workout would SUCK. I'm going to have a seat. Please blow me. No kidding! That person would not be compatible with me! Hence the man whose plane fell out of the sky got the "I'm not right for you" text the next day. He was not overweight but had zero cardio endurance or hold himself up. Lesson learned: do something physical with a person before you hit the sheets to gauge their endurance. Even if it's just going for a long power walk. Talk about the need for compatibility. I've always been more of a sprinter than a marathon runner LOL. Cardio isn't a big problem for me even though I have asthma. A guy who is so out of shape that ten minutes of sex wears him out really is in a dangerous place health wise. But I still get over excited, and my hips start to hurt, and well my dick is fifty years old, so no all nighters for us. But she couldn't anyway with her ortho problems, so we're a perfect match. We love sex and we love each other, so however far the clock has moved the intensity and passion feel like the Earth has moved. Oh wait, it has. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 24, 2016 12:34:44 GMT -5
No kidding! That person would not be compatible with me! Hence the man whose plane fell out of the sky got the "I'm not right for you" text the next day. He was not overweight but had zero cardio endurance or hold himself up. Lesson learned: do something physical with a person before you hit the sheets to gauge their endurance. Even if it's just going for a long power walk. Talk about the need for compatibility. I've always been more of a sprinter than a marathon runner LOL. Cardio isn't a big problem for me even though I have asthma. A guy who is so out of shape that ten minutes of sex wears him out really is in a dangerous place health wise. But I still get over excited, and my hips start to hurt, and well my dick is fifty years old, so no all nighters for us. But she couldn't anyway with her ortho problems, so we're a perfect match. We love sex and we love each other, so however far the clock has moved the intensity and passion feel like the Earth has moved. Oh wait, it has. Exactly Phin! I totally agree I'm by no means athletic but we just have to keep moving and for the record it was less than 5 minutes. Crazy!! Yes compatibility has a lot of different areas. Cherish what you have. I'm so happy for you. |
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2016 17:28:46 GMT -5
See, this is a big component of how I tolerate sexlessness. I studiously avoid exercise so I have no cardio endurance and problems with ED. That way, I am not even tempted to have sex, because the sex would be awful and I would be ashamed of my (lack of) performance. Also helps resist any urge to cheat. Snark, or serious? Something about you sounds familiar.... |
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Post by holdingontoit on May 24, 2016 17:56:36 GMT -5
Could not be more serious.
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Post by baza on May 25, 2016 0:32:10 GMT -5
This looks like a "Funeral Plan Strategy" in reverse.
The "Funeral Plan Strategy" being the one where you hope the avoidant spouse cashes in their chips.
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But this reversal of yours Brother holdin, where-in the lack of "cardio endurance" etc is a deliberate ploy to manage the situation, also seems to run a huge risk of you carking it first, essentially by your own hand.
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Of course, that would bring the situation to resolvement, no doubt about that.
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Post by holdingontoit on May 25, 2016 7:43:59 GMT -5
Baza: I am not trying to get a fulfilling sex life. I have given up on ever achieving that. I have no plan or strategy to exit my refuser partnership. Nothing I do is focused on "what comes after?". This is entirely about making this situation more tolerable.
Having no cardio fitness makes my marriage better for me. I never get spontaneous erections. I can hug and cuddle with my wife and nothing happens "down there". So instead of us snuggling and me getting hard and my wife getting affirmation that I desire her and her feeling powerful and in control, we now have a very different dynamic. Now we cuddle and nothing happens and she feels insecure. She fears that I no longer find her attractive. Now if I turn down sex she has real doubt about our relationship. If I turn her down while hard she can reassure herself it is some game I am playing that has nothing to do with my desire for her. These days I feel in control because my penis is not betraying me. I like this dynamic much better.
And as I said before, if I can't get hard and I have no cardio fitness, I am not at all tempted to cheat. So I don't have to avoid social situations involving attractive females, because I know nothing will happen. This makes work-related marketing activities much easier for me.
I agree that poor cardio fitness would be a huge negative if I expected there to ever be an Act II in which I have a fulfilling sex life, whether with my current wife or with another woman. Since I am pretty much determined to prevent that from ever happening, my current medical condition makes my life more tolerable and less stressful. I am not suggesting that this "strategy" would appeal to many people. It pretty much requires an incredibly poor self-image, no self-confidence and much self-loathing. But it works for me.
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Post by unmatched on May 25, 2016 8:52:50 GMT -5
holdingontoit I don't know anything about you or your life, or why you are making the choices you are, but this is such an obvious question I guess someone needs to ask it. Let's say you live another 20 years (don't know how old you are either!) - are you happy that you will look back from your hospital bed and feel you made the right decisions for you?
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 15:56:00 GMT -5
holdingontoit I don't know anything about you or your life, or why you are making the choices you are, but this is such an obvious question I guess someone needs to ask it. Let's say you live another 20 years (don't know how old you are either!) - are you happy that you will look back from your hospital bed and feel you made the right decisions for you? Let's ask first whether you expect to live 20 more years. Or more basically if you want to. Is this a protracted suicide? |
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Post by Chatter Fox on May 27, 2016 15:04:25 GMT -5
Without being political (ZERO political commentary on this thread please), I think most of us can probably admit to the preponderance of hateful language that we are seeing in the media. I do not, for the record, believe that it represents the majority of people, but I think it's sensationalized to such a degree that some people latch onto it and take it as permission to be hateful to others. I promise I am going somewhere with this, but bear with me first. Tonight, while on Facebook, I posted what I thought was a sincere and benign question in my town's chat group. Out of 9 comments, 3 were snarky and hateful. It literally made my stomach hurt. And, because I am crier ( itsjustus), I felt like crying over it. And I took down the thread. It just wasn't worth the drama to me. Add the FB debacle to a lunchtime incident wherein a young male and his posse of 2 other males called me "rude" for getting to a table with my female friend before he did. Yep, he looked into my eyes and said "well that was just rude. You saw me going to that table." No, I did NOT see him. And I'm old enough to be his mother and I'm female. What is happening in our culture? Would he say that to his mother? Would he try to take a table from 2 women? Don't men hold doors or give up seats anymore? Ick. Just ick. And totally uncalled for. Those 2 incidents of hatred affected me so deeply that I went for a long walk tonight to process. What I kept coming back to is: how can I be the LOVE and the change I want to see in the world if I dislike or disapprove of my spouse so much that I divorce him? Never mind that he is hateful at times. If I leave, doesn't that mean I am just spreading hatred as well? Doesn't that plummet me down to his level? I walked and walked and thought and thought. And stared at the waxing moon (which is gorgeous tonight where I am). And decided that I should be the bigger one. I should have compassion for my husband's problems, right? I should stay and keep my vows "until death do us part" because I made a promise, because it's the right thing to do regardless of what he does, because it would show my children what LOVE and forgiveness are. Because it's love, not hate. And I don't want to multiply hate in this world. I want to multiply love. Insights? Because now I'm getting that awful, weighty depressing feeling that I have to stay, because to leave would make me the hater. And I refuse to be a hater. I'd go so far as to say it's the haters who need love the most. Help me, cause I'm drowning over here.  You and I are cut from the same cloth. I avoid reading facebook these days because it just feels so negative. I refuse to watch the news for the same reason. It just stirs up such sadness, anger, and negativity for me. I also feel as though the world has become quite a harsh place. I can relate to everything you wrote. ...very much. I read all the replies and many people gave you better advice than I could .... but I did want to just let you know that you aren't alone. I know your struggle all too well. I could have written your posts myself.  |
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2016 22:14:47 GMT -5
Thank you Chatter Fox. That was a really nice post. I'm in a holding pattern now so I haven't had much to say. I thought maybe I could disappear unnoticed, but I guess a mini-update is in order, if I can articulate it. I don't have words or even cogent thoughts to describe exactly what is happening in my marriage now. I have detached enough from the outcome that I am no longer a sniveling mess. Whichever way this thing turns, I'm going to be just fine. At the same time, I have also begun showering my husband with love. I don't know where that love came from, but it came. And he is responding to it. I'm loving him because he's a human and he deserves my decency, even when he can't manage it himself. He's promising changes again, heard that before, but b/c I don't care about the outcome, he's free to follow through or not. I told him recently that I will not go forward in the state we're in, but I'm no longer brow beating him over it. There's an expression from Al-Anon "you do you and I'll do me," and that probably best expresses what I'm doing - me. Hitting the gym, loving my self, taking care of myself, nurturing friendships, doing the things I love to do. If he does himself and we meet in the middle, great. If not, well, it is what it is. |
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Post by DryCreek on May 28, 2016 3:05:15 GMT -5
@elle, kudos that you have it in you to treat him well. It's easy to become hardened over time.
Be confident that one way or another, you'll push this to a resolution; he will be there with you at the end, or he won't. His choice.
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