Reset Sex?

Hi Ballgirl - thanks for your response. You're right of course. However, I know that if I made demands like that, he would simply say, 'If you're not happy, let's go our separate ways.'

My issue - and I take full responsibility for this - is that I worry about feeling lonely if I pluck up the courage to call it a day. I could easily cheat but that's not the answer in my book. I need a new relationship but I don't want to be alone. I know this sounds like I'm weak and needy, but actually I'm not. I was single for so many years that it's easy just to accept anything rather than be on my own. He is generous and gives me lots of gifts. But no sex. I know I need to take action but it's too easy to jog along with the comfort of the company, even if there is no sex. But as you rightly point out, I do worry about losing valuable time.

endthegame , thank you.  That was a very insightful and helpful post.  I hope you come back.

I've bolded the bits that really, really hit me.  I take no offense at the suggestion that my partner is personality disordered or at least "on the spectrum."  I've thought it myself many times.  At any rate, the part about 'deep issues with intimacy pointing to some kind of problem' is spot on, probably for many refusers.  I know it is for mine.  My mind goes to childhood trauma, in my husband's case, as well as alcoholism that runs in the family.  Either way, not anything I can solve and if he won't see it or admit it, then neither can he.

And you're right about my own hopes and fears tripping me up.  Specifically, my hope that things will work out, my wish to have the 'white picket fence,' and my fear of being alone and of feeling any guilt, all keep spinning me back into the black hole that he has created in our marriage.  I get sucked into his inertia, his story line about how it's not really that bad, how it's all my fault.  I have to quit believing all those lies.

I hope you'll share more of your story; it sounds like you have a lot to offer.


These words are not mine, they are from the Shrink for Men site, (sex is not relevant, male or female, the following stands true):


"... An effective Hoover plays on both your hopes and fears. When dealing with an abusive personality, your hopes and fears will become traps that ensnare you if you are not mindful of them.



For example:



Are you afraid of being alone?

Being replaced?

Being perceived as a “failure” or “bad guy?”

Losing your kids?

Losing your assets?

Are you afraid the pain of being without her will be worse than the pain of being with her?

Do you love to be needed or need to be loved?

Do you cling to the hope that if you can just find a way to reason with her she’ll change for the better?

Do you worry she’ll meet another man and magically become a wonderful person?

Do you fear that you’re really unlovable, not good enough, not enough of a “man” and that no one else would want you?

Do you have a fear of loss and a need for approval?


You may not know what hopes and fears keep you in your abusive relationship, but odds are your abusive and/or personality-disordered partner does — either consciously or intuitively. In order to stay strong and not fall prey to a Hoover or series of Hoovers, you will need professional and/or peer support and you will also need to reality test your fears and hopes. Please note, when dealing with an abusive personality and/or a personality-disordered individual, any hopes you have for her and the relationship are probably better described as wishful thinking."

BBG's advice triggered another thought for those on the fence... Keep a journal. Not to beat them up over the details, but to keep your perspective grounded about how you arrived at your destination.

When you are finally fed up and walking out the door... and they are promising you the world... or trying to rewrite history... you will be able to look back on your path and be resolute in your decision.

It also serves to keep you in check with facts. And it can be appalling to go back and find your writings from 3, 5, or 7 years ago, and see how it compares to today.

DC

You are very welcome and we are all here to support each other. For my marriage sex was not the only problem. If he was a great husband and dad in all of the other aspects I would have stayed and cheated. I think! Not sure really!
I stopped loving him and that lead me to be able to seek sex elsewhere. There is no cookie cutter solution for all. It's the toughest decision to make but make it for yourself based on what you want for yourself. You know the fact that if you lay your cards on the table then he'll tell you to separate is total bullshit. Have you seen a lawyer it may be a good idea to just get educated as far as what you would receive. When we got in a fight my ex used to tell me to leave and to go live with other people.
The day i told him I wanted a divorce he didn't want me to go. It's tough to figure out. The advice about not wasting time is key.

BBG's advice triggered another thought for those on the fence... Keep a journal. Not to beat them up over the details, but to keep your perspective grounded about how you arrived at your destination.

When you are finally fed up and walking out the door... and they are promising you the world... or trying to rewrite history... you will be able to look back on your path and be resolute in your decision.

It also serves to keep you in check with facts. And it can be appalling to go back and find your writings from 3, 5, or 7 years ago, and see how it compares to today.

DC

Hi bbgirl and thanks for your reply.

I'm not married to my OH and there are no children, so extricating myself from my relationship is relatively easy. It's a case of grabbing the bull by the horns and getting on with it I guess.

I have found this site and all your comments incredibly helpful in that I no longer feel so isolated in my dilemma.

I see that you have children which doesn't make it easy for you to walk away. I only hope that the support network on here helps you as much as it has me. For me, it was good to know that I wasn't the only one in my situation so I felt less of a freak!

Thanks again for your support.

Sasha