Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 16:25:55 GMT -5
A refuser offers reset sex as a way of trying to make it seem like "things are better now". Its called that because it technically "resets" your sexless status to no longer sexless. The problem with it is that they universally lose interest in sex afterwards, and the relationship goes back to being sexless, although technically its not because they gave in once. (like a bucket of blue paint is no longer technically "blue" after a single drop of red paint gets added) The catch 22 is that if you don't take them up on the reset sex, then in your refuser's mind, that makes YOU the refuser. Bottom line, its a tactic to try to control the "sexless" argument in their favor. Gotcha. For sure, control is a theme in our marriage. Mine likes to mess with me - he'll tell me to make all the decisions b/c he doesn't have time, then he'll come in once all is said and done and complain about it and berate me for my choices. Nice. And, he's famous for saying yes to things (let's get a puppy, go on this or that trip, remodel the house), letting me plan it all out - and then changing his mind, effectively pulling the rug to from under me and usually reducing me to tears. Control indeed. So that would make a lot of sense. I can't figure out if it's within my rights to refuse him, when it's hurt me so badly over the years. Wouldn't that be sinking down to his level? I'm trying to take the high road and not sure if my refusing is out of line with that or if it's OK simply because we're now at a place where the marriage is broken beyond repair and I've just finally had enough. Sorry, talking out loud here. I think it's the latter. Seems to me that sex is the physical means to building and maintaining a marriage. If you've ended hope with that, then I don't see the point in the sex. Just choose wisely. Ending sex is prima facie evidence that the marriage is dead. Nothing improves or gets fixed after that. Nothing left to do but claim the body. |
|
|
|
Post by angryspartan on May 12, 2016 16:26:03 GMT -5
But if you are anything like me...which i suspect you are...you are so bloody delighted at the opportunity you take it. Happened to me on saturday night. I kid you not, totally impersonal, he bent me over in the bathroom, jigged it in and out for 10 seconds, and then was off. Hardly what i would call sex! But that means, in his eyes, that we ARE having sex. I know it will be an awfully long time before its likely to happen again. Which is why i had an impromptu outsource on Monday. Very exciting and rampant...but its not like being in a relationship with intimacy. It was a fuck. A mighty fine and filthy one but nonetheless just a fuck. Sneaky, quick, no time for basking in the glory and no time for round 2. I am still waiting for the handprint on my arse from Mr Outsource to disappear properly though ha ha! well if you need help applying cream to erase the soreness, I'm here to help. I'm just a nice guy that way. |
|
|
|
Reset Sex?
May 12, 2016 16:47:18 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by bballgirl on May 12, 2016 16:47:18 GMT -5
Run with that thought! If you don't want his hands on you then don't take the reset. It will probably be so unfulfilling anyway. Instead channel the opportunity to refuse him. I never got that opportunity. If I would have gotten the chance to refuse his advances I would have said something to the effect of: "Who the fuck do you think you are? We haven't had sex in 2 years and now you think I'm going to just give it up because you want to?! Just so we are clear, I do not plan to ever have sex with you again which is more courtesy than you ever showed me because you made a unilateral decision to withhold sex and never let me know. Also so we are clear, in spite of the fact that we won't be having sex ever again, I do not plan on being celibate for the rest of my life like I have been for the past 13 years. So what are your thoughts on another man fucking your roommate?" , I love it. That's awesome and it shows how empowered you are. I'm not quite there yet. Working on my exit plan but still mustering the guts to go thru with it. If I said all that, which I would love to - believe me, it would surely be over and I'd have no choice but to leave. Plus, refuser has a temper and is a drinker - not a nice combo. Who knows what he might do? Then again, maybe that would be me my breaking point, which I'm always looking for! I completely understand. He's on a need to know basis and at this point he doesn't need to know. I get that! My ex was shocked when I told him I wanted a divorce. At this point do what's good for you and in your best interests and keep working towards that exit plan!! |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on May 12, 2016 16:55:27 GMT -5
But if you are anything like me...which i suspect you are...you are so bloody delighted at the opportunity you take it. Happened to me on saturday night. I kid you not, totally impersonal, he bent me over in the bathroom, jigged it in and out for 10 seconds, and then was off. Hardly what i would call sex! But that means, in his eyes, that we ARE having sex. I know it will be an awfully long time before its likely to happen again. Which is why i had an impromptu outsource on Monday. Very exciting and rampant...but its not like being in a relationship with intimacy. It was a fuck. A mighty fine and filthy one but nonetheless just a fuck. Sneaky, quick, no time for basking in the glory and no time for round 2. I am still waiting for the handprint on my arse from Mr Outsource to disappear properly though ha ha! well if you need help applying cream to erase the soreness, I'm here to help. I'm just a nice guy that way. What a kind offer  you lovely man you xx |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 17:47:34 GMT -5
how alien it feels to consider turning down a perfectly good erection! i must pay more attention to who is attached to it ha ha! ROFL at that! I just about choked on my coffee! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 17:49:22 GMT -5
I can't figure out if it's within my rights to refuse him, when it's hurt me so badly over the years. Wouldn't that be sinking down to his level? I'm trying to take the high road and not sure if my refusing is out of line with that or if it's OK simply because we're now at a place where the marriage is broken beyond repair and I've just finally had enough. Sorry, talking out loud here. I think it's the latter. You could always think more literally. As in, "You always have the right to say no to sex, if you are not sure you want to do it." |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 12, 2016 18:04:34 GMT -5
Here's a thought( I like other answers better) many a man here can attest to the starfish approach. No communication of any kind, verbal or touch. Ask him, to hurry up,are you done yet? Then there's the it's too painful approach.? You can yawn a few times in between, maybe make a phone call. Let him know that there is no desire for him. Without saying anything.let him think that it is your problem, you will know the truth. Sadly the truth doesn't matter to a refuser.
|
|
|
|
Post by itsjustus on May 12, 2016 18:09:35 GMT -5
But if you are anything like me...which i suspect you are...you are so bloody delighted at the opportunity you take it. Happened to me on saturday night. I kid you not, totally impersonal, he bent me over in the bathroom, jigged it in and out for 10 seconds, and then was off. Hardly what i would call sex! But that means, in his eyes, that we ARE having sex. I know it will be an awfully long time before its likely to happen again. Which is why i had an impromptu outsource on Monday. Very exciting and rampant...but its not like being in a relationship with intimacy. It was a fuck. A mighty fine and filthy one but nonetheless just a fuck. Sneaky, quick, no time for basking in the glory and no time for round 2. I am still waiting for the handprint on my arse from Mr Outsource to disappear properly though ha ha! Wow....just....wow. That's skirts close to just plain rape. How de-humanizing!! And yeah...your H - "What do you mean we don't have sex!? I banged you in the bathroom just six months ago!!" |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 18:42:12 GMT -5
Here's a thought( I like other answers better) many a man here can attest to the starfish approach. No communication of any kind, verbal or touch. Ask him, to hurry up,are you done yet? Then there's the it's too painful approach.? You can yawn a few times in between, maybe make a phone call. Let him know that there is no desire for him. Without saying anything.let him think that it is your problem, you will know the truth. Sadly the truth doesn't matter to a refuser. This is actually probably good advice. I'll think about it. No, the truth doesn't matter. Only his version of the story. If I refuse, the danger is that I am called the refuser. And I really don't want that on my shoulders. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 18:43:22 GMT -5
But if you are anything like me...which i suspect you are...you are so bloody delighted at the opportunity you take it. Happened to me on saturday night. I kid you not, totally impersonal, he bent me over in the bathroom, jigged it in and out for 10 seconds, and then was off. Hardly what i would call sex! But that means, in his eyes, that we ARE having sex. I know it will be an awfully long time before its likely to happen again. Which is why i had an impromptu outsource on Monday. Very exciting and rampant...but its not like being in a relationship with intimacy. It was a fuck. A mighty fine and filthy one but nonetheless just a fuck. Sneaky, quick, no time for basking in the glory and no time for round 2. I am still waiting for the handprint on my arse from Mr Outsource to disappear properly though ha ha! Wow....just....wow. That's skirts close to just plain rape. How de-humanizing!! And yeah...your H - "What do you mean we don't have sex!? I banged you in the bathroom just six months ago!!" I agree, this does seem close to rape, eternaloptimism. Are you OK with that? Maybe time to set some boundaries around what KIND of sex he gives you? Up to you, just sayin'. |
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on May 12, 2016 20:41:51 GMT -5
... Oh and don't forget to let him know that you can please yourself so much better than he ever could!! WOW! Then kick him in the nuts and call him "Nancy"! |
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on May 12, 2016 20:47:16 GMT -5
Note to self-never cross bballgirl EVER! (I love the women here) |
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on May 12, 2016 21:03:22 GMT -5
I'm seeing this term thrown around here and wondering what it is and whether it's not ideal to engage in it. I suspect my refuser might offer it up soon (after 8 months) but I am not inclined to take him up this time. Honestly, I'm just done. I don't even want his hands on me. Thoughts? There are times that I think my wife wants it. But frankly, I am no longer sexually attracted to her. I am so resentful that I would turn her down and tell her to find a toy or another man. When we had our son, she had a rough pregnancy and did not want to have any more children. I would have loved to have had another. She couldn't take the pill, so we used condoms. She would not even go to a gynecologist. Every month before her period, she would freak out that she was pregnant. To preserve our sex life, I went to a urologist to have a vasectomy. It was hard, because I really wanted another child. But for the sake of our sex life and marriage, I got snipped. But here is the thing - even after the vasectomy, she still panicked every month. I explained that if she were pregnant, it couldn't be mine. She no longer wanted any sex. She said it hurt. I begged her to see a gynecologist. She wouldn't go. Even when I took her away to a romantic B&B for our anniversary, she was not in the mood. So after all of that and ignoring my needs for irrational fears, I no longer want my wife. Sometimes I pray that she would find someone else, then he can be stuck with her. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on May 12, 2016 21:15:28 GMT -5
Note to self-never cross bballgirl EVER! (I love the women here) You aren't the first ILIASM member to make that observation. |
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on May 12, 2016 21:27:55 GMT -5
I know just had to say.
|
|
you lovely man you xx
