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Post by eternaloptimism on May 16, 2016 10:06:15 GMT -5
Certainly true in my case angryspartanI am his maid, his financier, his taxi driver, his enabler for his addictions. I am his doormat. I need to change because he sure as hell isn't going to! |
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Post by angryspartan on May 16, 2016 10:10:18 GMT -5
Certainly true in my case angryspartan I am his maid, his financier, his taxi driver, his enabler for his addictions. I am his doormat. I need to change because he sure as he'll isn't! It can't be that bad, you get a 15 second romp every 6 months! What woman wouldn't be in a state of bliss with that!!! |
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Reset Sex?
May 16, 2016 10:21:43 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by eternaloptimism on May 16, 2016 10:21:43 GMT -5
Certainly true in my case angryspartan I am his maid, his financier, his taxi driver, his enabler for his addictions. I am his doormat. I need to change because he sure as he'll isn't! It can't be that bad, you get a 15 second romp every 6 months! What woman wouldn't be in a state of bliss with that!!! He he. I know. I really should be more grateful shouldn't I lol x |
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Post by angryspartan on May 16, 2016 10:28:09 GMT -5
Exactly! You need to store your experiences like a camel does with water.
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sasha
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Post by sasha on May 16, 2016 13:15:54 GMT -5
I'm not married but haven't had sex with my boyfriend for at least 7 months - more if you don't count the one off reset sex we had 7 months ago. He is the refuser to the point where he won't even face me in bed, although he likes spooning to go to sleep and counts this as intimacy I think. This weekend he said, 'Any chance of a bit of action tonight?' As if it were me who was refusing sex. I know this is his tactic to make it seem like it's my fault we're not having sex, so I replied, calling his bluff: ''Yes, great, but you have to initiate.' (It was always me who initiated when we did have sex.) The bluff worked perfectly as I noticed a fleeting look of guilt cross his face.
The short of it is, I refused to become the one who's doing the refusing, so he couldn't lay the blame for our sexless relationship on me. It worked. Try this if you want to avoid becoming a victim in a sexless relationship. It cuts through the power game.
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Post by bballgirl on May 16, 2016 13:22:25 GMT -5
I'm not married but haven't had sex with my boyfriend for at least 7 months - more if you don't count the one off reset sex we had 7 months ago. He is the refuser to the point where he won't even face me in bed, although he likes spooning to go to sleep and counts this as intimacy I think. This weekend he said, 'Any chance of a bit of action tonight?' As if it were me who was refusing sex. I know this is his tactic to make it seem like it's my fault we're not having sex, so I replied, calling his bluff: ''Yes, great, but you have to initiate.' (It was always me who initiated when we did have sex.) The bluff worked perfectly as I noticed a fleeting look of guilt cross his face. The short of it is, I refused to become the one who's doing the refusing, so he couldn't lay the blame for our sexless relationship on me. It worked. Try this if you want to avoid becoming a victim in a sexless relationship. It cuts through the power game. It may cut through the power game or does it? Is sex once every 7 months enough and acceptable to you? Lay your cards on the table and tell him exactly what you want, when you want it, how you want it, etc. I enabled my refuser for way too many years to the point that I did become a counter refuser that never got the chance to refuse. Don't make my mistake and waste too many years. |
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sasha
New Member
Posts: 11
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Reset Sex?
May 16, 2016 13:30:34 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by sasha on May 16, 2016 13:30:34 GMT -5
I'm not married but haven't had sex with my boyfriend for at least 7 months - more if you don't count the one off reset sex we had 7 months ago. He is the refuser to the point where he won't even face me in bed, although he likes spooning to go to sleep and counts this as intimacy I think. This weekend he said, 'Any chance of a bit of action tonight?' As if it were me who was refusing sex. I know this is his tactic to make it seem like it's my fault we're not having sex, so I replied, calling his bluff: ''Yes, great, but you have to initiate.' (It was always me who initiated when we did have sex.) The bluff worked perfectly as I noticed a fleeting look of guilt cross his face. The short of it is, I refused to become the one who's doing the refusing, so he couldn't lay the blame for our sexless relationship on me. It worked. Try this if you want to avoid becoming a victim in a sexless relationship. It cuts through the power game. It may cut through the power game or does it? Is sex once every 7 months enough and acceptable to you? Lay your cards on the table and tell him exactly what you want, when you want it, how you want it, etc. I enabled my refuser for way too many years to the point that I did become a counter refuser that never got the chance to refuse. Don't make my mistake and waste too many years. |
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sasha
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Post by sasha on May 16, 2016 13:41:19 GMT -5
Hi Ballgirl - thanks for your response. You're right of course. However, I know that if I made demands like that, he would simply say, 'If you're not happy, let's go our separate ways.'
My issue - and I take full responsibility for this - is that I worry about feeling lonely if I pluck up the courage to call it a day. I could easily cheat but that's not the answer in my book. I need a new relationship but I don't want to be alone. I know this sounds like I'm weak and needy, but actually I'm not. I was single for so many years that it's easy just to accept anything rather than be on my own. He is generous and gives me lots of gifts. But no sex. I know I need to take action but it's too easy to jog along with the comfort of the company, even if there is no sex. But as you rightly point out, I do worry about losing valuable time.
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Post by DryCreek on May 16, 2016 13:59:49 GMT -5
sasha, a couple thoughts... Time is your enemy. It's easy to do nothing, but days turn into years. Very early, I realized we had problems; that was 25+ years ago, and things haven't improved, but it has become much, much harder to change. Yet, it still weighs on me every single day. And I've missed out on *thousands* of intimate moments. I can only imagine how very different life would have been if I'd stood my ground so long ago. Ending a bad relationship gives you both the opportunity to find someone compatible, and live a happy, full life. By forcing a bad match, not only are you unhappy and unfulfilled, but he's equally stuck with someone who he knows isn't happy with him. Before kids, you have an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and start fresh; adding kids to the equation makes it harder to leave and forever binds you to him. DC
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 14:29:55 GMT -5
I am not saying your partner is personality disordered, but any individual who has deep issues with intimacy has some kind of problem they generally refuse to address (over which you realistically have no power).An abusive personality cannot successfully Hoover you or get you to re-engage or recycle without your participation, which is why it’s important for you to recognize and understand what’s happening, why it’s happening, your buttons, desires, hopes, Achilles’ heels and fears. An effective Hoover plays on both your hopes and fears. When dealing with an abusive personality, your hopes and fears will become traps that ensnare you if you are not mindful of them.", thank you. That was a very insightful and helpful post. I hope you come back. I've bolded the bits that really, really hit me. I take no offense at the suggestion that my partner is personality disordered or at least "on the spectrum." I've thought it myself many times. At any rate, the part about 'deep issues with intimacy pointing to some kind of problem' is spot on, probably for many refusers. I know it is for mine. My mind goes to childhood trauma, in my husband's case, as well as alcoholism that runs in the family. Either way, not anything I can solve and if he won't see it or admit it, then neither can he. And you're right about my own hopes and fears tripping me up. Specifically, my hope that things will work out, my wish to have the 'white picket fence,' and my fear of being alone and of feeling any guilt, all keep spinning me back into the black hole that he has created in our marriage. I get sucked into his inertia, his story line about how it's not really that bad, how it's all my fault. I have to quit believing all those lies. I hope you'll share more of your story; it sounds like you have a lot to offer. |
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 14:52:59 GMT -5
Certainly true in my case angryspartan I am his maid, his financier, his taxi driver, his enabler for his addictions. I am his doormat. I need to change because he sure as hell isn't going to! You go girl!! |
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sasha
New Member
Posts: 11
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Reset Sex?
May 16, 2016 15:06:31 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by sasha on May 16, 2016 15:06:31 GMT -5
sasha, a couple thoughts... Time is your enemy. It's easy to do nothing, but days turn into years. Very early, I realized we had problems; that was 25+ years ago, and things haven't improved, but it has become much, much harder to change. Yet, it still weighs on me every single day. And I've missed out on *thousands* of intimate moments. I can only imagine how very different life would have been if I'd stood my ground so long ago. Ending a bad relationship gives you both the opportunity to find someone compatible, and live a happy, full life. By forcing a bad match, not only are you unhappy and unfulfilled, but he's equally stuck with someone who he knows isn't happy with him. Before kids, you have an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and start fresh; adding kids to the equation makes it harder to leave and forever binds you to him. DC |
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sasha
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Post by sasha on May 16, 2016 15:13:52 GMT -5
DryCreek - thank you for your thoughts. Your point, 'Time is your enemy', really struck home. I need to do some serious thinking, clearly. There are so many helpful threads on here that resonate.
I particularly identified with one poster who said that she had cut herself off from friends and family because inside she was so unhappy about her sexless relationship. That's exactly what I've done. I don't feel like talking to anyone, because I know what they would say and I think they would be shocked. So you end up just isolating yourself. It's a vicious circle because then it becomes harder to leave, because you've neglected your support network. But it's ultimately my fault for letting this all happen.
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sasha
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Reset Sex?
May 16, 2016 15:27:40 GMT -5
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Post by sasha on May 16, 2016 15:27:40 GMT -5
Another perspective on defining "reset sex"... First, it's called this because of the effect it has on you - it's an emotional reset. It probably wasn't very good, but you got something. There's hope! Maybe you've turned a corner, and things are going to improve. After all they've promised to "work on it". It's an emotional roller coaster. Eventually you begin to realize that no change is coming; a new dry spell starts, and your spirit get dashed again. The more times the cycle repeats, the faster you crash. Eventually, you get to a point that you don't see your spouse sexually anymore. They might as well be a sibling or a random roommate. You wouldn't want sex if they offered it, and guys probably can't even get it up for their refusing wives. But in their world, everything's golden and they assume you'll accept another reset like all the times before. Second is the effect from the refuser's perspective. I can only imagine that they have no sense of time because in their mind you have sex often, when in fact the last time was weeks or months ago. Sex in any form resets this clock in their mind. No matter how bad or dissatisfying, they did their part and checked the box, so you shouldn't complain. Should you refuse? It ain't easy until the point when you get turned off by them. Even then, you're making the case for them that you're the cause of sexlessness. So, if you're going to turn the tables, it might be time to trigger The Talk™ and tackle it head-on instead of just refusing. For that, it would be wise to be prepared with your Plan B. Though warning them if you're planning to file is perhaps not good strategy, you should have your ducks in a row so you can execute if needed. FWIW, DC |
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sasha
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Post by sasha on May 16, 2016 15:35:12 GMT -5
Dry Creek - your post is absolutely on the money. Perfectly explains the whole dynamics of those who have a deep-seated problem with intimacy and refuse sex. The part about them having no sense of time is so true. My boyfriend doesn't even recognise that there's a problem, I know. I'm sure in his mind we have sex regularly. This site is so helpful, because I realise I'm not alone in my situation.
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