Reset Sex?

Another perspective on defining "reset sex"...

First, it's called this because of the effect it has on you - it's an emotional reset. It probably wasn't very good, but you got something. There's hope! Maybe you've turned a corner, and things are going to improve. After all they've promised to "work on it".

It's an emotional roller coaster. Eventually you begin to realize that no change is coming; a new dry spell starts, and your spirit get dashed again. The more times the cycle repeats, the faster you crash.

Eventually, you get to a point that you don't see your spouse sexually anymore. They might as well be a sibling or a random roommate. You wouldn't want sex if they offered it, and guys probably can't even get it up for their refusing wives. But in their world, everything's golden and they assume you'll accept another reset like all the times before.


Second is the effect from the refuser's perspective. I can only imagine that they have no sense of time because in their mind you have sex often, when in fact the last time was weeks or months ago. Sex in any form resets this clock in their mind. No matter how bad or dissatisfying, they did their part and checked the box, so you shouldn't complain.


Should you refuse? It ain't easy until the point when you get turned off by them. Even then, you're making the case for them that you're the cause of sexlessness.

So, if you're going to turn the tables, it might be time to trigger The Talk™ and tackle it head-on instead of just refusing. For that, it would be wise to be prepared with your Plan B. Though warning them if you're planning to file is perhaps not good strategy, you should have your ducks in a row so you can execute if needed.

FWIW,
DC

I know the feeling. Eventually, that low self esteem drifts to a feeling of being numb to.....well...everything. Including the kind and frequency of, sex with our spouses. This relates to your rough treatment at the hands of your husband, the OP's question of reset sex, and even to my length of staying in a caustic marriage.

That feeling of being numb is insidious. It creeps into all aspects of our lives, including not taking offense at abusive behavior, not getting our needs met, or just not caring enough anymore to set boundary's. In fact, at times we are delighted! But we aren't numb enough to later not feel miserable, knowing we are settling for crap and un-fulfilling lives. So...we circle the drain. It's a downward spiral, feeding on it's self, watching our self-esteem go down the drain with it. 

Yep, we all need to get our butt's to therapy!!
                                                                                                                                                                       
(the good news!! We are here! Think of the millions who just sink into oblivion and don't question any of this! You...we...do. That's what lead us to Google and find this place and others!

I love your screen name eternaloptimism . That's me by nature, and it saved me. It was the one thing in me that didn't go numb and die off, finally leading me to ILIASM, which changed my life!

I'm telling you, you're close to being better! No matter what you choose to do!! Therapy? YES! I started because of no motivation for my job. Three sessions in, and we were talking exclusively about my marriage. BINGO!! DING, DING, DING!! Winner!! Two years later, my ex's life and my life are vastly improved...by vast distance from each other. And my job performance sky-rocketed. Hmm....

I'm just saying, the drain circling can be stopped. And because you...or @elle ...or anyone else, are here, you're on the way to stopping it. There are millions who aren't. Congrats!!! )
(good lord...I got carried away....again....sorry...)

bballgirl  Perfect!  I may have to use this when I go back into therapy with my husband.  Since I cannot effectively communicate with him how I am ready to exit, we need a professional to guide us through our discussions.  This is totally how I feel!!  Thank you!

I always found that reset sex was unfulfilling because while he would initiate, roughly 10 seconds into it he would begin to appear annoyed and bored. Afterwards, he would act as though he had bestowed a tremendous gift upon me. Ultimately, it just made me hate him more and did nothing to satisfy my sexual appetite. I began to ignore the advances and to hell with however he wanted to label it when we both knew the truth.

No doubt, that happens.

In my experience it mostly happens when things reach an inflection point. They realize you're discontented, probably because you beat them with a clue-by-four. Or they sense a change in your behavior because you're about to burst but you're tired of the same useless discussion.

In short, something is "wrong", they sense it, and they react. I don't think they are consciously aware of their motivations, but their sixth-sense subconscious is telling them that times are desperate, and they'd better do something.

In my mind, it has all the intimacy of a dog marking its territory.

To some extent, ALL marital sex is "Re-set sex"
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In a functional deal it happens at the behest of either spouse, and re-affirms the underlying connection and love present in the overall dynamic. It re-sets the underlying care / regard / love / connection already evident in various aspects of the relationship.
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In a dysfunctional situation, it happens when one spouse doles it out in minimal niggardly amounts, and is designed to give the illusion of possible connection and thus keep you hanging on to some level of hope.
In this scenario, it is "re-setting" an illusion, rather than fact.
An skilled avoidant spouse can spin this illusion on for quite some time.

Reset sex is often a tactic within a wider mechanism designed to control, a lot of the time lack of sex is just one symptom of a broader set of dysfunctions and/or personality disorders maintained by the sexless partner (The partner in control of intimacy).

On the forum 'Shrink for men' reset sex is called 'Sex-bombing', meaning a brief episode of absolute pornstar sex in order to control and re-set the relationship, usually as a last resort when the SM instigator sees the partner gaining some backbone and there is a realistic threat of them leaving. This is just one tactic used during a process termed 'Hoovering' or 'FOG Hoovering' (FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt). If you refuse the sexbomb / reset sex then you are made to feel guilty as you are the refuser, are not trying, don't care etc. This is a standard reversal tactic, again a method of control. Reset sex is just one aspect of Hoovering you back into the relationship.

The words below are not mine, they are from - shrink4men.com/2012/03/28/hoovers-dont-let-the-crazy-suck-you-back-in/
and part two - shrink4men.com/2012/07/16/more-thoughts-on-fog-hoovers-and-no-contact-when-ending-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist-borderline-histrionic-andor-sociopath/

I am not saying your partner is personality disordered, but any individual who has deep issues with intimacy has some kind of problem they generally refuse to address (over which you realistically have no power).

Extract - "The abusive person may or may not be conscious of what they’re doing. Essentially, a Hoover is just a behavior or series of behaviors that are employed to get you to re-engage and remain in the relationship. Sometimes, a Hoover is referred to as “relationship recycling,” which sounds a lot like something one does with aluminum cans. I prefer Hoover because it is more evocative.



An abusive personality cannot successfully Hoover you or get you to re-engage or recycle without your participation, which is why it’s important for you to recognize and understand what’s happening, why it’s happening, your buttons, desires, hopes, Achilles’ heels and fears. An effective Hoover plays on both your hopes and fears. When dealing with an abusive personality, your hopes and fears will become traps that ensnare you if you are not mindful of them."


In my opinion I would follow the 'No contact rule' - As described on shrink for men. Extract - "In order to successfully come out of the FOG, you must go No Contact or, if you share children, minimize contact to the the greatest degree possible. Many targets of abuse have difficulty not feeling “needed” and/or have difficulty weaning themselves off the drama. You gotta go cold turkey.



Think of your need to feel needed and/or the excitement from the unhealthy drama as if it’s an addiction and set up social and professional supports for yourself accordingly. These people are poison. You can’t just take a “little hit” and be okay."


Whatever you do, good luck.