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Post by bballgirl on May 11, 2016 16:56:41 GMT -5
That is just ridiculous for your wife to tell you how to father your children and how you should express your love for them. Tonight you should hug them goodnight and kiss them on the cheek in front of her. Who cares if she doesn't like it! Screw the Happy Wife Happy Life Mentality that clearly isn't working out for you and you are not so happy so why should she be?
Live your life the way you want to! Eventually you will divorce but you will always have a relationship with your children.
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 17:47:11 GMT -5
My only question is how do the children themselves feel? Personally, I was raised being told to hug and kiss relatives (even distant ones) who I'd really rather not. Also as I grew to be a teenager, I was not wild about hugging my family, for which my mother shamed me and told me I was weird. You can imagine how that improved our relationship.
It's my opinion that children have a right to bodily autonomy and to have their boundaries respected and shouldn't have to hug and kiss anyone they don't want to. On the flip side, if they do enjoy hugging their family, then they should be allowed the freedom to do that. In my opinion it should be up to the child to decide, not the parents.
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Post by unmatched on May 11, 2016 19:15:11 GMT -5
Totally agree with deleted. But I also wonder what you are teaching them. Your wife is basically sending out the message that once a girl hits puberty (or thereabouts), all touch from men is inherently sexual and should be discouraged because either you can't trust them to control themselves or because if you like touching them that makes you a tramp. This is SO wrong on so many levels. Your daughters need to learn that touch is not only about sex and that it is a vitally important part of creating and maintaining human relationships, particularly close family ones, as well as vitally important for our health and well-being. Unfortunately that puts some responsibility on your shoulders, because the only person they are going to learn that from is you. |
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 20:19:13 GMT -5
greatcoastal, I do not have children, but your refused is a cold, manipulative snake (no disrespect to snakes). Maybe it's my Latin upbringing, but for a parent to not hug and kiss his own child is neglectful. Teenagers, who have a high incidence of depression, need to have one committed adult in their lives. Someone who is consistent, that they can count on, and yes, who shows them affection. I'm floored by the fact that she expects you to remove their FATHER'S affection. Speechless. I better never meet her, else I will throat punch her. Hard.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 11, 2016 20:22:27 GMT -5
Totally agree with deleted. But I also wonder what you are teaching them. Your wife is basically sending out the message that once a girl hits puberty (or thereabouts), all touch from men is inherently sexual and should be discouraged because either you can't trust them to control themselves or because if you like touching them that makes you a tramp. This is SO wrong on so many levels. Your daughters need to learn that touch is not only about sex and that it is a vitally important part of creating and maintaining human relationships, particularly close family ones, as well as vitally important for our health and well-being. Unfortunately that puts some responsibility on your shoulders, because the only person they are going to learn that from is you. You are so well spoken unmatched! Doesn't this make you wonder about how my wife was raised? And her controlling mother was raised? And why she is a refuser when it comes to touch? Interesting how much we uncover about our upbringing, and how important a relationship with a parent is. |
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Post by unmatched on May 11, 2016 20:35:53 GMT -5
Hey, I can be rude.  Your wife is like so fucked up, man. You should ditch the bitch, totally, or your daughters are going to be like frigid and fucked up too, dude. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 11, 2016 20:47:40 GMT -5
greatcoastal ,Someone who is consistent, that they can count on, and yes, who shows them affection. I'm floored by the fact that she expects you to remove their FATHER'S affection. In no way have I disappeared or pulled back. My wife does not expect me to show no affection. To the best of my memory, I remember telling her, " why? I see nothing wrong with it. Leave it up to them, nothing's forced on them" then comes the silent treatment were she can't handle her control being told " no". Days later I could see the cold stares as I rolled around and wrestled on the bed with my daughters, pillow fights, lots of laughter! It kept coming to mind though. Admitting I backed away more, ( or I wouldn't be mentioning it) some time has gone by. My daughters are beginning to talk about boys, dancing, clothes, phones, public school,parties, etc... My daughters lie on my bed and do these crazy ballet moves. Their way of saying, " I want to be noticed, look at me, aren't I pretty" of course I compliment them in a fatherly way. My wife doesn't seem to notice. A month ago my daughter and I were down on the beach together, at night looking at the full moon rising over the Atlantic, she was doing cartwheels in the sand! Later she was stroking my arm, saying your jacket feels really nice! I put my arm around her, their is no guilt or shame there. I am looking forward to reading more about it, and taking my wife's control habits with a grain of salt! |
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 21:03:07 GMT -5
First of all, STOP the misplaced guilt greatcoastal. You, as their father, have every right to be affectionate with your kids. W can suck a lemon. If w makes faces or whatever it is she does, leave the room, brother! You do not have to engage in her pathos. In fact, link arms with your kid and skip out of there to Sonic and get ice cream. I'm 48, and you can bet your bottom dollar that I hugged and kissed my Papi and Mami when they were here for Christmas - every morning and every night. And, I'm the "mean kid" in our family.) |
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Post by petrushka on May 11, 2016 21:53:47 GMT -5
You guys make me sad, doubly and triply sad.
My father has never hugged me. I don't think my mother has hugged me since I was about 6.
I don't have kids to hug. Well, I had my niece and nephew, and I still hug my nephew when he's over from the states.
My Sister in Law (who is American) has turned into one of those prudes in her 50s and 60s, and it's obviously
passed over to my niece, who seems distant and somewhat misandrist now.
Those women you describe are just sick, sad excuses for an emotionally healthy human bean, in my opinion.
Cold, self-centered, with the attitude "I'm not having fun, nobody else should have fun". <gag>
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Post by petrushka on May 11, 2016 21:59:49 GMT -5
That is like... SUPER HELPFUL! when I worked in Child care at a mega church they changed policy and would not allow any men to hold children over the age of two in your lap! the staff, knowing me for years, pulled me aside and said" this does not apply to you, we trust you!" Erg...Just the stereosation of men in general, I let them know this is discrimination, and resigned a year later, changed churches too! Probably an insurance/ getting sued policy more than anything. Thanks again! I understand the deal in institutions -- particularly a mega-church. The world has become a sick place, and they have to keep even the specter of impropriety as far away as they can. But the home is a different thing altogether. Within the walls of the home, we practice absolutely no political correctness other than to explain to the kids that it does exist outside and its become a fact of life. I do not agree. The world is no more and no less sick than it ever was. Humanity is still humanity. Those institutions should be counteracting the stigmatization of men, not propagate them. They should be, if they were Christian, give the benefit of the doubt and promote 'love thy neighbour'. This is why I call sects like the Assembly of God and the Megachurches "Church of Hatred" in my mind. They are divisive. They set people against each other, they shun and discriminate. To me, that is not in the spirit of the New Testament. And then you find out just how many sexual predators hide in the ranks of their clergy and it all becomes even more bizzarre. |
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Post by DryCreek on May 11, 2016 22:54:15 GMT -5
I do not agree. The world is no more and no less sick than it ever was. Humanity is still humanity. Thank you. Becoming more aware of something does not make it more likely. We are more connected than ever before, and the media has also honed its sense for dramatic issues that garner ratings. What would have been a local issue now gets the national or international spotlight. This spotlight has led many to live in fear of anything possibly happening on their watch. Normal, caring behavior is replaced by sterile, unfeeling actions. And the world is all the worse for it. |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 0:11:48 GMT -5
This morning at my men's bible study someone brought up all the problems they were having with raising their stepdaughters. Several of the men said, " puberty is the time when they need there dad the most. You should be hugging your daughter, because if you don't there are plenty of 14 yr old boys waiting to dump there testosterone on them! I chimed in with, " my controlling spouse informed me two years ago, not to hug or kiss my daughters anymore, that was wrong. They are getting to old for that" I call that her, " old school ways of thinking" i told the guys, " yea, my wife has my daughters giving her a good night kiss and a hug, while they wave at me from across the room and say goodnight" . " then my daughter feels like she can hug me in private, when mom's not around" SICK ISN't it! One of the guys said," ask your wife who she would rather have hugging your daughter, you or some 15 yr old boy?" A book that was recommended for me is titled, " She Calls Me Daddy" I plan on reading it. All thoughts, comments, advise, are welcome. ( except for any shallow comments about bible study) I grew up with a mother that was overly physical, wanting to touch the sons all the time and is still angry when we won't. Please before you hug your daughters make sure they are ok with it. From my memory I would much rather hug others my age than my parents and taking the role of the fifteen year old boys might not be the memories she wants from her youth? At least I will regret until the day I die that I didn't start getting out more at that time (hugging girls my age) and my mother being so physical might have had something to do with it. I am still disgusted by that and it is actually the topic of todays session with my psychologist. Maybe rather than asking the wife who should hug your daughter, you should ask your daughter, or at least try to figure out what she would have said? |
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Post by Rhapsodee on May 12, 2016 0:24:15 GMT -5
OH! That is so wrong! My husband and our daughter are very close. I am very happy that my husband was involved when she was an adolescent. I felt that a healthy and affectionate relationship with her father was vital to her emotional growth. I believe that girls that have a strong relationship with their fathers are less likely to be promiscuous. Your girls need you to be able to show them affection.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 12, 2016 5:45:34 GMT -5
OH! That is so wrong! My husband and our daughter are very close. I am very happy that my husband was involved when she was an adolescent. I felt that a healthy and affectionate relationship with her father was vital to her emotional growth. I believe that girls that have a strong relationship with their fathers are less likely to be promiscuous. Your girls need you to be able to show them affection. Due to being on here,reading several books, therapy, I am taking her controlling behavior with a grain of salt. I am also counting down the days! Your comments bring up the big "why" question. My wife's behavior on this issue is one for the therapist. For me it's like discovering another piece of the puzzle. This is also something to be aware about for future relationships. " did you continue to hug your children when they got older?" " why, or why not?" Also, " where you hugged as a child as you grew older? " " why, or why not?" |
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Post by snowman12345 on May 12, 2016 8:02:10 GMT -5
My kids always felt free to hug and kiss their dad. My son (18 years old at the time) sat on my lap and cried his heart out when his first girlfriend broke up with him.
My grandkids have an endless supply of hugs and kisses from "Papa".
If my wife tried to tell me not to hug my kids I would do it right in front of her, take pictures, and post them on FB!! Twice!
Your wife's aversion to males touching females seems deep seated - I would not expect her to change - but I would change my behavior with my daughters and hug and kiss them when ever I wanted. What would wife do? Withhold sex? Oh wait...
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Your wife is like so fucked up, man. You should ditch the bitch, totally, or your daughters are going to be like frigid and fucked up too, dude.
