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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 10:18:28 GMT -5
First post. I have finally taken the plunge into admitting that ILIASM. We are 15+ years in. Frequency was never great - it started at every 3-4 weeks, then grew to once every 2 months, 4 months, you get the idea. We're on an 8 month drought now with no signs of it ending. He's a functional alcoholic and I think alcohol kills his libido, even when he doesn't drink every night. I think he's also depressed but when I have suggested that, he just gets mad. Enough of the backstory. Suffice to say, I've been unhappy for many, many years, finally began asking him to work on it with me about 4 years ago. We went to counseling - he quit after a few sessions, saying therapy is not for him. And we have never gone back. He's emotionally unavailable. Blah, blah, blah. Most of you can probably fill in the blanks. It's a pretty typical storyline. He needs help, we need help, but he refuses to take any responsibility. Game over, right? So, my issue... Since I am still here while I work on my exit plan (I'm still 2 years out - if I have the guts to go through with it), how on earth do I prioritize self-care when I myself have become depressed from the years of emotional neglect and lack of intimacy and the personal attacks on me? He has made me feel about an inch tall and I have let him. How do I get my self-worth back? How do I start to care about my life again, to feel worthy? How do I have hope again? Please don't say medication. I know I'm depressed, but I also now it's situational. There's no pill that will make my marriage healthy again. What I do need is to eat better, exercise, go places, lift my head up, walk tall, live my life. But I struggle with finding the strength to do that when I live under a black cloud. And when the marriage has robbed me of my self-esteem. Honestly, I think most women struggle with body image - imagine how it feels when your husband won't touch you. Anyone have tips? BTDT? I'm a decent person. I deserve better than this. But I struggle to believe that some days. Help please.  |
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Post by deleted on May 11, 2016 10:23:05 GMT -5
You've got to get out and do something. Focus on how that activity makes you feel. Remember that feeling. Do it more often. Reconsider medication. It'll make the lows not seem so low. You're among friends here.
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Post by angryspartan on May 11, 2016 10:23:17 GMT -5
"What I do need is to eat better, exercise, go places, lift my head up, walk tall, live my life."
You have your answer, you just have to will yourself to make it a reality. There is no easy way to "fix" yourself in these situations, you just have to decide you're not giving up and do what you know will make you happy. You lost your groove so to speak, getting it back will do wonders.
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 11:18:18 GMT -5
How do I get my self-worth back? How do I start to care about my life again, to feel worthy? How do I have hope again? Please don't say medication. I know I'm depressed, but I also now it's situational. There's no pill that will make my marriage healthy again. What I do need is to eat better, exercise, go places, lift my head up, walk tall, live my life. But I struggle with finding the strength to do that when I live under a black cloud. And when the marriage has robbed me of my self-esteem. Honestly, I think most women struggle with body image - imagine how it feels when your husband won't touch you. Anyone have tips? BTDT? Elle, like angryspartan said, you've answered at least part of your question. Do you currently participate in or have you considered Alanon? I don't have to tell you that having any relationship with an alcoholic is impossible. Your husband NEEDs help, but you're not the one to provide that help beyond not enabling him. If separation or divorce is the event that begins that path for him, you may have to do that sooner rather than later. Most of us have done the couples counseling dealio and I for one think it's a waste of time. I'll bet you both came out of it thinking the other had to change. Duh, you thought that before it started. Perhaps individual counseling is what YOU need. You're the one with the problem and you can only help YOU. He won't change until he comes to the conclusion that HE has a problem. It may be that HIS problem is he's losing his wife and family. That fixes a lot of folks after it's too late. Regarding YOU, definitely work on eating better and getting exercise. That sounds a lot easier said than done, but you can begin and build a program. It will improve everything for you both chemically and physically I promise. Start with just 15 minutes of exercise per day every day. Anyone can do that. I recommend weight training as it boosts metabolism all day. within a few weeks, you'll likely find yourself increasing the time you spend at it. In a month, you'll notice changes. In 3 months, everyone will see changes. Your improved attitude and physique will be noticed by others as well, and you'll begin to receive validation which boosts your confidence. Think of it as a snowballing compounded interest sort of deal. Have some fun here. You'll find these folks are so nice and understanding. |
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Post by lwoetin on May 11, 2016 11:36:59 GMT -5
elle, i like your fashion statement with the pink hair and the glow of light around you. Don't let his depression take you down. His lack of desire to touch you is his problem, not yours. Good to have you in the group. Stay strong and try to cheer up.  |
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 11:38:30 GMT -5
elle, i like your fashion statement with the pink hair and the glow of light around you. Don't let his depression take you down. His lack of desire to touch you is his problem, not yours. Good to have you in the group. Stay strong and try to cheer up. I was wondering if she's naturally pink or does she color it? |
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Post by Dan on May 11, 2016 11:43:13 GMT -5
What I do need is to eat better, exercise, go places, lift my head up, walk tall, live my life. Good list. You forgot one: "individual therapy". Talk therapy has been ENORMOUSLY helpful on me getting to an "even keel" in the past decade. Here's why therapy will help: when you are conflicted ("I want to do A and B but I can't do both"), then professional talk therapy can help A LOT. Your therapist will help you get to the bottom of YOU; how to reconcile which of those you want to do more; how to help you gain the strength/courage to pick one, deal with the downsides, but move forward focusing on the upsides of the one you picked. Also eventually: start making a serious exit plan. You'll definitely need to talk to a lawyer. You may also want to talk to a financial planner. A few others are variations on what you've already mentioned: cultivate the friendships you have; make some new ones; rely on us here at ILIASM forum or other online resources. As for finding friends to do stuff with, consider checking out Meetup.com. |
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Post by lwoetin on May 11, 2016 11:52:28 GMT -5
elle, i like your fashion statement with the pink hair and the glow of light around you. Don't let his depression take you down. His lack of desire to touch you is his problem, not yours. Good to have you in the group. Stay strong and try to cheer up. I was wondering if she's naturally pink or does she color it? Yeah there is a way to figure it out but let's not on her first story. |
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 11:57:30 GMT -5
I was wondering if she's naturally pink or does she color it?  Naturally pink, of course! |
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Post by bballgirl on May 11, 2016 12:04:21 GMT -5
Welcome and know that you are not alone. The advice that the others gave is spot on so I won't repeat it.
Just know that you are not alone and we are all here to support you.
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 12:05:24 GMT -5
Naturally pink, of course! Oh No! |
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 12:24:41 GMT -5
Thank you for the replies, the validation, the suggestions. You have no idea (or maybe you do) how enormously helpful it was for me to even post here. It was like validating myself for all the crap he has put me through over the years.
Al-Anon, been to a few meetings. Probably need to go back for more. Individual therapy, done it (still doing it). It has helped me get through the last 8 years. Maybe I need a new therapist or maybe it's just time to finally get out from under this black cloud of a marriage. Lawyer - check. I know my rights. Financial planner, hmm, that's a good one. I'll have to look into it. Problem is doing all this on the downlow so HE doesn't get suspicious. I have been working on an exit plan for the last 2 years. I have 2 more to go. It's a long process and it's complicated by children and the fact that I have been home trying to be June Cleaver for several years now. Poor June - she didn't realize she was painting herself into a corner. Trying to get out of that corner is an arduous task, to put it mildly.
Just this morning, after posting, I made a doctor appointment for a checkup and I'm talking to the local gym about joining their fitness challenge. Time to get this train moving again. Life's too short to let the dead weight of my marriage pull me down into oblivion.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to post. Honestly, it looks like this forum is going to pull me up by my bootstraps and get me through the next 2 years. I just need hope (for my OWN life) and sometimes I lose sight. Especially when HE says he's going to change. I swear, if I hear that one more time, I'm either going to laugh in his face or vomit. He's never going to change. And I am sick of waiting around.
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 12:26:11 GMT -5
Welcome and know that you are not alone. The advice that the others gave is spot on so I won't repeat it. Just know that you are not alone and we are all here to support you. Thank you, truly. Suddenly, I don't feel so alone. Amazing an online community could do that for me. Should've joined years ago. |
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Post by TMD on May 11, 2016 12:34:36 GMT -5
Welcome @elle
You are so not alone. And great thoughts from members above. I also tried the June Cleaver hat. WTF was I thinking? ((Actually, I've become accustomed to being the SAHM, and enjoy it.)) I am now looking to jump back into a career, and finding work has been a huge challenge. ((I promise, I don't smell!))
Work is part of my exit strategy, so here's my 2 cents; start defining now what you need in order to leave, and how you will manage financially. If you're plan is to leave in 2 years, maybe upgrading/certifying now will better leverage you for future opportunities.
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Post by Chatter Fox on May 11, 2016 12:40:02 GMT -5
How do I get my self-worth back? How do I start to care about my life again, to feel worthy? How do I have hope again? Please don't say medication. I know I'm depressed, but I also now it's situational. There's no pill that will make my marriage healthy again. What I do need is to eat better, exercise, go places, lift my head up, walk tall, live my life. But I struggle with finding the strength to do that when I live under a black cloud. And when the marriage has robbed me of my self-esteem. Honestly, I think most women struggle with body image - imagine how it feels when your husband won't touch you. Anyone have tips? BTDT? I'm a decent person. I deserve better than this. But I struggle to believe that some days. Help please. This book would be a great place to start in my opinion.... Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem www.amazon.com/dp/1572241985/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_apa_ZD2mxb8YSA8WJIt has been a god send for me. It's not a book you just simply read through. You gotta work through it. I spent a whole year working through it. It was a lot of work but it's worth it and you'll start to see improvement quicker than you may expect. I know how you feel. It's not a good feeling. i struggle a lot still as well. I actually need to pick the book back up and dust it off. I have gotten a bit off track at times and gone down some really depressing and self defeating trains of thought that really wrecked my self esteem. So, I still regress and back slide often, but when it happens, I snap out of it and turn to that book to help myself get back in a better place. |
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Naturally pink, of course!
