How To Prioritize Self-Care

What everyone here has said is excellent advice - so I will be a little repetitive.

I have been part of this group for almost 3 years. It has been an eye-opening, learning experience.

What you need:
1.) to read here voraciously
2.) at least one IRL friend or family member you can talk to about everything
3.) glad you are in individual therapy
4.). Find a bunch of friends and acquaintances you can pal around with - weekly if possible.
5.) journaling about my "future life" has been a positive experience.
6.) I also am living with my refuser who is trying to "work" on our marriage - it's tough. It is entirely for financial reasons. I don't think this is your problem, but since I mostly stopped drinking, I am way less depressed.
7.). Try really hard to deny reset sex - this is something I am not sure I can do.
8.) consider long and hard if you have the ability to compartmentalize your emotions. This will help you in a host of ways, but if you can - consider a FWB situation. I am not sure I can, so I have not done it.
9.) if you cannot do FWB, flirt shamelessly with everyone and see what response you get. This is something bballgirl advised and I think it has helped me. I have only been working on this this week.
10.). Even though it was hard, letting go of the things I could not control (him) and focusing on what I can control (me) was hard to get to but helped a lot! I like seeing the scale go down and being in control of my weight loss plan (for example).
11.). Remember who you are and what makes you special. I am sure there are things you were proud of many moons ago - remember those things and do them or feel them!
12.) read a bunch of books about divorce and children to handle that when you come to it!


I would say, I was depressed enough about 6 months ago where I probably needed medication. I am not there anymore, but let me tell you - I felt absolutely, certifiably crazy. If you feel like this at all - maybe considering medication would be helpful. I did come out of it, but mostly from being here with these fine people.

Good luck! Sounds like you are well ahead of the game with back up and exit plans in place! I am sorry they are long-term, but I cannot believe how fast the last 32 months have been for me.

** sorry so long!!

While we all welcome you warmly, I can't help to feel a little saddened that you feel the NEED to be here.

Regardless Welcome and you all support you.
You are a brave a strong woman and remember this:
It's NOT you.

Yes, it's NOT me.  Thank you.  I keep forgetting that though.  He keeps telling me it's me and I'm stupid enough to keep believing it!     must stop listening to him!!

How do you manage to socialize normally with the elephant in your life, iykwim?  I feel like I am living a lie sometimes - I've got the husband at home who's an asshole and a boozer and I'm supposed to go out there and pretend we're living the dream?  I can't do it.  It takes too much mental space for me.  So, I avoid a lot of community events and gatherings.  I spread my friends far away from my daily life so I can be real with them and not have it coming back to my life, if that makes sense.  Everyone thinks my husband is perfect and I'm not going to be the one to tell them otherwise.  No one would believe how he treats me at home.  So there's all that too.  Oh yeah, and I when I shop, he gets pissed.  I can't win!

Are you sure about this?  I hear it all the time, but I'm not sure anyone that sees much of you and/or him is completely in the dark.  

And if they don't see much or any of him, that's enlightening in itself.

I don't think anyone is at all "In the Dark" regarding my wife.  And I can think of 10 couples that may be thinking they're pulling off a real incognito trick where the truth is obvious.

Look, genuinely decent folks are comfortable and sociable.  If you know couple where one of them is hyper controlled or absent ALL THE TIME, there's something wrong.  Normal folks aren't afraid to let their hair down or allow others into their "Inner Sanctum".  

Please consider this.

And, how many of you here that left a bad marriage with a nut case, had old friends and family come to you after the announcement of the separation to say they never liked X?  Or told you they suspected X was a jerk at home while you assumed everyone loved him?  

I was at a social event with lots of friends. It was one of those goofy picnics where there were jumpies for the kids, cooking out, horseshoes, and the whole shebang. Lots of couples and kids.

I was there with my kids (wife doesn't like these things) and we decided to put a sprinkler on one of the jumpies and within a few minutes, the dads were on it playing with the kids (the women stayed off for obvious reasons).

Afterwards, I'm soaked and sitting with some of the adults having a beer or two and one of the women whose husband was not there (he's 400+ lbs, cannot take the heat well, and wouldn't do well on the water soaked jumpie) asked another of the women whose husband also wasn't there where he was. This second woman's husband is NEVER there. So, she starts making a bunch of plausible excuses related to his government related job with impromptu conference calls, etc.

The inquiring woman just kept asking how these things always keep the husband from showing up for any of these fun events. I was terribly uncomfortable because it should be obvious to everyone: The guy is a jerk. The woman is a high energy, highly involved, beautiful woman, and the husband is NEVER around.

I know what his deal is. He's an insecure butt hole that hates to be around where his wife is obviously popular, powerful, and outgoing. I'm sure at home, he's trying to control her and undermine all of her stuff, but she's the kind that simply goes on with her and the kids' lives and he can be damned.

She's not proud of it and was obviously sensitive to the line of questioning. I'm sure if the truth was known, she thinks everyone else thinks he's a swell guy. But everyone knows.

AND:  My wife hates these things largely because I do "Stupid" stuff like put sprinklers on jumpies, make and play on adult slip and slides, and generally embarrass her.  

@creelunion

"I know what his deal is. He's an insecure butt hole that hates to be around where his wife is obviously popular, powerful, and outgoing. I'm sure at home, he's trying to control her and undermine all of her stuff..."

At the risk of sounding a little smug, I suspect this is the case for me. My MIL is much like me in this aspect as well, and although he loves his mother, I suspect he blames his mother for a lot of childhood issues (none of which he has vocalized) and uses me as his punching bag subconsciously.