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Post by DryCreek on May 11, 2016 21:14:25 GMT -5
@elle, I'm curious about your multi-year exit plan.
From your writing, I can tell that you're savvy, so I expect there's some substance to your plan. But if you'd care for a critique on your logic, this is a good place to get it - 2 years is a big piece of life to write off.
Cheers,
DC
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 10:05:27 GMT -5
Well, 2 years is nothing compared to the years I've already put in, putting up with all his baggage letting him run me down. I've sold myself short. There isn't much to it other than becoming able to support myself via training. Which after being June Cleaver for this long is no easy feat. Women always end up in a lower position financially when they leave. I'm determined not to let that happen or at least to mitigate that extreme a little. After 2 years, I will no longer need him to pay the bills. And I will be free to do as I choose and no longer beholden to him.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 10:13:55 GMT -5
Well, 2 years is nothing compared to the years I've already put in, putting up with all his baggage letting him run me down. I've sold myself short. There isn't much to it other than becoming able to support myself via training. Which after being June Cleaver for this long is no easy feat. Women always end up in a lower position financially when they leave. I'm determined not to let that happen or at least to mitigate that extreme a little. After 2 years, I will no longer need him to pay the bills. And I will be free to do as I choose and no longer beholden to him. And, those two years won't really be that bad as long as your working on your program and having fun. Hopelessness is the killer. It sounds like that will be behind you now. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 12, 2016 13:26:35 GMT -5
Thank you for the replies, the validation, the suggestions. You have no idea (or maybe you do) how enormously helpful it was for me to even post here. It was like validating myself for all the crap he has put me through over the years. Al-Anon, been to a few meetings. Probably need to go back for more. Individual therapy, done it (still doing it). It has helped me get through the last 8 years. Maybe I need a new therapist or maybe it's just time to finally get out from under this black cloud of a marriage. Lawyer - check. I know my rights. Financial planner, hmm, that's a good one. I'll have to look into it. Problem is doing all this on the downlow so HE doesn't get suspicious. I have been working on an exit plan for the last 2 years. I have 2 more to go. It's a long process and it's complicated by children and the fact that I have been home trying to be June Cleaver for several years now. Poor June - she didn't realize she was painting herself into a corner. Trying to get out of that corner is an arduous task, to put it mildly. Just this morning, after posting, I made a doctor appointment for a checkup and I'm talking to the local gym about joining their fitness challenge. Time to get this train moving again. Life's too short to let the dead weight of my marriage pull me down into oblivion. Thanks everyone for taking the time to post. Honestly, it looks like this forum is going to pull me up by my bootstraps and get me through the next 2 years. I just need hope (for my OWN life) and sometimes I lose sight. Especially when HE says he's going to change. I swear, if I hear that one more time, I'm either going to laugh in his face or vomit. He's never going to change. And I am sick of waiting around. You should vomit in his face  |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 14:58:12 GMT -5
eternaloptimism, just the image of that makes me  . Honestly, you have no idea how many times I have wanted to spit in his food before I served it to him. By some miracle, I've held back or God held me back - helped me take the high road. But, let me tell you, I've had those thoughts too many times to count.
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 12, 2016 15:07:40 GMT -5
eternaloptimism, just the image of that makes me . Honestly, you have no idea how many times I have wanted to spit in his food before I served it to him. By some miracle, I've held back or God held me back - helped me take the high road. But, let me tell you, I've had those thoughts too many times to count. I stick the middle finger up at mine behind his back a lot ha ha. So juvenile but it stops me spontaneously imploding lol! Xx |
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Post by wewbwb on May 12, 2016 15:08:51 GMT -5
eternaloptimism , just the image of that makes me . Honestly, you have no idea how many times I have wanted to spit in his food before I served it to him. By some miracle, I've held back or God held me back - helped me take the high road. But, let me tell you, I've had those thoughts too many times to count. tamara68 's H said it was ok.  (He's an ocd cleaner) |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 16:32:02 GMT -5
I stick the middle finger up at mine behind his back a lot ha ha. So juvenile but it stops me spontaneously imploding lol! Xx Oh, yeah, I do that ALL the time too. One time I spit in his shoe (behind his back) after a particularly demeaning argument in which he declared me lazy (he's projecting, by the way). That's the most vengeful I've ever gotten. Juvenile, but satisfying no less. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 12, 2016 16:57:49 GMT -5
I stick the middle finger up at mine behind his back a lot ha ha. So juvenile but it stops me spontaneously imploding lol! Xx Oh, yeah, I do that ALL the time too. One time I spit in his shoe (behind his back) after a particularly demeaning argument in which he declared me lazy (he's projecting, by the way). That's the most vengeful I've ever gotten. Juvenile, but satisfying no less. Ha ha. Punishment by gozzy shoe. That is a definite winner lol xx |
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Post by bballgirl on May 12, 2016 17:01:21 GMT -5
eternaloptimism, just the image of that makes me . Honestly, you have no idea how many times I have wanted to spit in his food before I served it to him. By some miracle, I've held back or God held me back - helped me take the high road. But, let me tell you, I've had those thoughts too many times to count. Just smack the shit out of him and then say it was a mosquito or some other kind of bug. |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 17:44:18 GMT -5
The second one is about 'living a lie'. The vast majority of people in SMs never talk to anyone about it (except here maybe). We go on for years pretending that we have this great life, and you end up feeling completely false and schizophrenic. It is also a huge barrier for many of us to moving on. If you can talk to a few friends and family members and a few people who are actually in your daily life, then suddenly everything starts to feel more synchronised and your life starts to make sense. And it also really helps with building momentum towards an exit. Good point about the brain and habits. Noted. And thank you. So sad that so many people are living a lie. But I suspect you are right. I am not a person who can easily live incongruently. I like it all to match up, iykwim. I'm pretty sincere and very honest, unless I need to spare someone's feelings which I will always do if I am aware of it. But anyway, that living a lie business isn't good for the psyche and I think therein lies my hesitance to be more social in my immediate community. If the topic comes up, I am a miserable liar! I can't pretend things are groovy when they aren't, so I just avoid. Not saying it's healthy, but it's what I do. I agree with what rhapsodee said about shame. I am ashamed of my marriage and my husband, so I hide. That's probably something to work on in therapy. Everybody in my family and close circle of friends just LOVED my ex, and thought we were a great couple. The sad part is, we were...until he started having health issues that he would not get help for. Like many people here, I didn't know how to tell people that things had changed between us. Especially since, in our case, it was a slow, gradual change. It was the classic example of the frog coming to a slow boil in the pot of water. I finally opened up to my family and best female friend last summer, bluntly stating that Ex and I were not happy any more. I had told them about his health issues about 6 months before that, so it was easy enough to connect the dots. But I still feel that people may be judging me for ending the relationship with a poor sick guy who's got problems. I try to remind myself that I hung in there for years (3 years after I realized that we had a serious problem), I tried to steer him towards the help available, I did online research into help that was available, I Talked To Him About It TM on numerous occasions, etc. |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 17:49:10 GMT -5
Everybody in my family and close circle of friends just LOVED my ex, and thought we were a great couple. The sad part is, we were...until he started having health issues that he would not get help for. Did he seek medical help since you left? |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 19:07:15 GMT -5
@creelunion, he has not given me a real answer when I've asked him about it. Just the same vague bullshit I've heard before. So my guess is "no."
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Post by itsjustus on May 12, 2016 19:43:39 GMT -5
@creelunion , he has not given me a real answer when I've asked him about it. Just the same vague bullshit I've heard before. So my guess is "no." I would be shocked if he did, at least this early after you left. He may sometime down the road, if...and when...he looks around and re-evaluates his life and what he's lost. But yeah, I think your no guess is most likely right. |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 20:59:07 GMT -5
@creelunion , he has not given me a real answer when I've asked him about it. Just the same vague bullshit I've heard before. So my guess is "no." Curious. Does he know what the problem is or is it just speculation? Is this something that needs to be addressed regardless of whether he wants to have a sex life of not? |
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. Honestly, you have no idea how many times I have wanted to spit in his food before I served it to him. By some miracle, I've held back or God held me back - helped me take the high road. But, let me tell you, I've had those thoughts too many times to count. 
