shep40
Junior Member
Posts: 25 
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Post by shep40 on Sept 12, 2017 12:27:45 GMT -5
Northstarmom, thank you for responding. May be I had that condition but since I had sex for the first time with this other guy & he could penetrate easily, surely thats not the case now? I have asked my husband about going to a sex therapist, counsellet, Dr but he just says we are busy and where is the time for all that etc. I cant force him to go to a Dr. Hence I feel like there is nothing else I can do anymore. Let's say for sake of argument you COULD force your husband to a sex therapist. Then what? A sex therapist is not a sorcerer. He cannot wave a wand and make your husband desire you. More than likely you would go for years and nothing would come as a result. My ex-wife was the only woman I'd been with prior to my divorce. I know that isn't the same since we did have sex (sporadic as it was) over the years. But after the last 3 year bout of celibacy at the end I sure as hell felt like a born again virgin. If I were you I'd do a few things now. First I'd get a good understanding of your finanaces. Second I'd see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see exactly how a divorce would shake out for you. If you never consummated the relationship you should also see how an annulment works out for you. Finally proceed with care with the friend you met. For most of us we lose our virginity when younger and have had decades at this point to deal with the flood of emotions that come with it. You are experi ni g this for the first time and it's easy to get swept up. Just waving the yellow flag of caution right now. Thank you so much for your words of caution. I also agree that there is no point in forcing something out of my husband...I mean what kind of an experience would we have even if we get intimate after forcing? Also he needs to feel that he can come to a therapist to work for our relationship. I dont want to force this on him either... Right now divorce is not an option for me as my kids are young & they need their father as much too. He is an amazing father & I cant do this to my kids....So till then I have to focus my energies into working & improving myself so that in future I can be independent. I am also taking real care that my emotions dont overtake me while I am with this guy as you all are right, being that this is my first relationship, I do sometimes feel like I am overzealous & if I do that then my AP is going to feel overwhelmed by my response so I need to keep control over my emotions and reactions. Thank you for supporting & responding. |
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shep40
Junior Member
Posts: 25
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Post by shep40 on Sept 12, 2017 12:30:40 GMT -5
shep40 Bravo for focusing on keeping your emotions in check and navigating your new experience as best you can. Those emotions can sure get out of control sometimes. Sounds like you are keeping a level head thru your experience as best one can. They do call it falling "Madly" in love for a reason but maybe it is something else. Of course, only you know what is going on and it can be a roller coaster ride one way or the other. Making life changing decisions based purely on emotions can be high risk and have crazier consequences. You are already on anti-depressants I believe I bet these can help too during this roller coaster experience you are on now. I aint no doctor or no medical expertise - just to be clear (if it was not already). Yes those anti depressants help too as they keep me calm. Otherwise I would probably feel overwhelmed by my own emotions too. That rush of emotions when you are intimate with someone is overpowering for sure. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 12, 2017 13:00:41 GMT -5
"As to whether you could build a good sexual relationship with your H, it is possible, but you would have to do a lot of work. "
What's your evidence that it's possible to build a great sexual relationship with someone who doesn't sexually want you? We have lots of evidence here from people who have attempted that with their refuser that one can't nor can sex therapists make someone sexually desire you who doesn't.
We even have Smartkat' unsuccessfully trying to get herself to sexually desire a post sm partner who was a nice guy.
More than likely Shep's husband can no more sexually desire her now than he could lust for his sister or mom. Nor does he want to.
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Post by dinnaken on Sept 13, 2017 16:11:18 GMT -5
Hi shep40 This is just a thought based on our earlier exchange. This is an open question and I don't expect a response but might your husband be on the autistic spectrum? This is something I have some experience of - hence my question - it is an intrusive question that is why I don't want a response; I just pose it as something to ponder. Best wishes |
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Post by bran127 on Sept 14, 2017 22:02:11 GMT -5
Personally, I don't think there is any issue with your vagina. I am quite sure you are capable of having sex just fine if you had a willing partner. It is common to blame ourselves, but this is not your issue. I've heard the old "yeah I'll work on it" or "maybe next time" bullshit and it wasn't until I joined this group that I realized that I am not the problem. I am of the opinion that something is wrong with HIS PENiS. You have expressed your dissatisfaction and he hasn't done anything to change it. He is probably embarrassed that he is unable to perform and you are taking on that guilt. Stay strong and know thtat we all support you.
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Post by wom360 on Sept 15, 2017 0:53:06 GMT -5
When you say he couldn't penetrate was it because he wasn't erect? Or could you not open up?
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 16, 2017 14:08:44 GMT -5
Personally, I don't think there is any issue with your vagina. I am quite sure you are capable of having sex just fine if you had a willing partner. It is common to blame ourselves, but this is not your issue. I've heard the old "yeah I'll work on it" or "maybe next time" bullshit and it wasn't until I joined this group that I realized that I am not the problem. I am of the opinion that something is wrong with HIS PENiS. You have expressed your dissatisfaction and he hasn't done anything to change it. He is probably embarrassed that he is unable to perform and you are taking on that guilt. Stay strong and know thtat we all support you. It is him. It is also more than just his penis. I can say that if my pecker ever failed me, there is no amount of money I would not spend on viable solutions to the problem. In this day and age there are some amazingly talented urological surgeons if the pills don't work. Him, not having the drive to fix his tools indicates to me he has no intention of using them in the first place. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2017 12:35:50 GMT -5
ironhamster said: "I can say that if my pecker ever failed me, there is no amount of money I would not spend on viable solutions to the problem. In this day and age there are some amazingly talented urological surgeons if the pills don't work. Him, not having the drive to fix his tools indicates to me he has no intention of using them in the first place." Thank all the gods there are men like you!
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Post by workingonit on Oct 14, 2017 21:34:06 GMT -5
It is him. It is also more than just his penis. I can say that if my pecker ever failed me, there is no amount of money I would not spend on viable solutions to the problem. In this day and age there are some amazingly talented urological surgeons if the pills don't work. Him, not having the drive to fix his tools indicates to me he has no intention of using them in the first place. LOL!! This is priceless! I do wonder, however, about this guy's psychology and its impact on his ability to see himself as sexual. I mean, really, if he was having ED from the start he probably has a ton of shame. Not all men will step up like ironhamster! I have a patient right now that has ED due to medical issues. He is divorcing his wife of 20 years rather than tell her! He is so ashamed! I tried to promote communication and even let him know all sorts of alternatives to penetration that were available if his ED does not improve but he literally said to me "I am not a man anymore and she deserves a man." Some guys will literally just curl up in shame. And of course, some people lash out when they feel shame, which it sounds like shep40's husband does. |
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