shep40
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Post by shep40 on Sept 9, 2017 12:11:22 GMT -5
Do not pin your hopes on sex ever happening with your husband. You now feel yourself how powerful the sex drive is. How you feel now is how normal people feel when they are sexually attracted to someone. That is why normal people may fuck several times a day each day of their honeymoon. Heck, I was 61 when I got into a relationship with my post sm lover who was 60. We'd have sex 3-4 times s day on our twice weekly encounters. 4 years later, we live together and have sex about 3 times a week. Your husband is not normal. He is either asexual or getting his gratification another way such as kids. (!), porno, men or hookers. he has a problem! And, your reaction was normal to clench involuntarily your vaginal muscles when he'd done nothing to sexually excite you. Sex would have been very painful for you. The fact that you had Ivf despite presumably having no exams to document infertility may be what you need so you are able to get an annulment. Without the ivf it's possible neither your clergy nor a judge would believe you have grounds for an annulment. Your husband is not a nice person. He had deprived you deliberately of what he vowed to provide when he married you. Letting you choose films does not make up for that. Meanwhile, because you have remained married to him, he has been able to masquerade as a normal, sexually healthy, fertile man. You have unfairly paid the price for that. I strongly suggest that you find out your options by talking to a lawyer and if you are Christian to clergy. Do not tell your husband. His nice guy facade is likely to quickly crumble if he realizes the truth is going to be revealed about his lack of manhood. That could put you in danger. And do not tell your husband about your affair. He may use that info to lie and tell others you are lying about his not engaging in sex with you. Wow 3-4 times a day? I didnt know that was possible even. I think I would love that intimacy anytime I can get it too  Thank you for telling me as it is. I truly appreciate the support. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2017 13:00:57 GMT -5
Welcome aboard! I am very sorry to hear about your story.
Intimacy is indeed possible several times a day. I vaguely suspect you haven't experienced that magical thing called orgasm. I am almost sure you haven't experienced cascading multiple orgasms. And I am certain you haven't experienced full body orgasms. All these are yours to sexplore now.
Welcome to the wonderful world of love.
I don't have anything to say about your situation apart from what all the other lovely people have already told you.
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Post by csl on Sept 9, 2017 14:15:53 GMT -5
um.... second, not first.
This is out of character for me, but isn't this guy performing as trained? If I'm not mistaken, there's an active thread on this board about how some ILIASM members are counter-refusers, right?
To Shep40:
Okay, yeah, your husband is being a dick in his reactions now, but he didn't start out that way. There's the old adage that says if you broke it, you bought it. But I'm also going to say that while you may have broken the boy, maybe you can put him back together, even despite his resistance.
Shep40, I'm going to ask if you have used ALL of your resources. Good on you for asking and initiating. Good on you for trying to have talks and get your husband on board. But have you put your foot down and said, "We get help or you get out!"?
One thing in your post tells me that you haven't done all you can. You say that your husband says that everything is great. You are miserable, so it's NOT great. If he's still happy and comfortable, with you miserable, you HAVEN'T done everything you can do. So it's time for him to get miserable. I'm not saying that you make him miserable because you are, but that you need to break up the status quo. Start the talks again. When he reacts negatively, push on. His negative response doesn't get to shut you up. Bring it up daily, hourly if you so choose, and don't let it drop.
In essence, remove the facade of a happy home wherein lies his contentment.
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shep40
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Posts: 25
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Post by shep40 on Sept 9, 2017 14:40:42 GMT -5
um.... second, not first. This is out of character for me, but isn't this guy performing as trained? If I'm not mistaken, there's an active thread on this board about how some ILIASM members are counter-refusers, right? To Shep40: Okay, yeah, your husband is being a dick in his reactions now, but he didn't start out that way. There's the old adage that says if you broke it, you bought it. But I'm also going to say that while you may have broken the boy, maybe you can put him back together, even despite his resistance. Shep40, I'm going to ask if you have used ALL of your resources. Good on you for asking and initiating. Good on you for trying to have talks and get your husband on board. But have you put your foot down and said, "We get help or you get out!"? One thing in your post tells me that you haven't done all you can. You say that your husband says that everything is great. You are miserable, so it's NOT great. If he's still happy and comfortable, with you miserable, you HAVEN'T done everything you can do. So it's time for him to get miserable. I'm not saying that you make him miserable because you are, but that you need to break up the status quo. Start the talks again. When he reacts negatively, push on. His negative response doesn't get to shut you up. Bring it up daily, hourly if you so choose, and don't let it drop. In essence, remove the facade of a happy home wherein lies his contentment. I didnt withhold sex because of any ego or vindictiveness. I said lets take some time getting to know each other. In my culture, arranged marriages are normal but I was naive & didnt even know what sex was or that I would be expected to perform it straight after marriage. Also in spite of me saying no, we still tried a few times & it just wasnt happening even then & thinking back, it really was painful but still not happening. So its not like my word was final verdict or anything. And I did stay with him this time because I wanted to work things out. We dont just say you do this or out because our families are involved & he knows it. So have I given him ultimatum saying he needs to do this? Yes so many times, just not said its that or I am out. Also i have pushed & pushed for answers & all i get is anger or he shuts down & says what can i say? I have shouted saying say something & he just says i will see what i can do. When i say thats not good enough, he says thats all he can do & leaves the room. There are always 2 young kids with us so i cant say anything beyond this point or they will hear. I usually start conversation once kids are in bed but there is a limit to how much i can push him because of them. I cant let this affect them. Next I will ask him either he gets this done or lets me have my thing from somewhere else & may be he will do something then & now i even cringe at the thought of what that something will be. Do u know what it feels like when someone expects u to just get naked & open ur legs for them? And when that doesnt work its all about them & what i should do to them & then more anger because i cant get them excited. I understand where u are coming from but trust me, things are not always black & white. |
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shep40
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Post by shep40 on Sept 9, 2017 14:47:54 GMT -5
Welcome aboard! I am very sorry to hear about your story. Intimacy is indeed possible several times a day. I vaguely suspect you haven't experienced that magical thing called orgasm. I am almost sure you haven't experienced cascading multiple orgasms. And I am certain you haven't experienced full body orgasms. All these are yours to sexplore now. Welcome to the wonderful world of love. I don't have anything to say about your situation apart from what all the other lovely people have already told you. Thank you. So much to experience yet... |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2017 7:02:52 GMT -5
So let me ask this to all of you...what are you doing as a solution in your cases? Anyone getting intimacy outside of marriage? Does it help? Does it affect your family? Did you develop feelings for the other person? Did they for you? Just trying to understand. Yes is the answer to all those questions. It can get complicated if you begin to draw emotional support from one another. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2017 7:06:03 GMT -5
Next I will ask him either he gets this done or lets me have my thing from somewhere else & may be he will do something then & now i even cringe at the thought of what that something will be. The problem there is that even if you get him to have sex with you, it becomes a bit pointless. The whole point of sex is burning mutual desire driving two people to get together in the most intimate ways possible. And I have learnt that forcing a refuser to have sex with you kills the whole point. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 10, 2017 7:42:08 GMT -5
There could also be erectile disfunction (Ed) playing into his side. But from the psychological and now from his age.
So there could be some real resentment and anger that how all those years when the equipment worked it wasn't used and now you want it when things aren't working.
Honestly, I don't blaim the guy, 20 years of no intimacy. Not even your hands or mouth? Did you ask him for good hands or mouth? Sex is so much more then penis in the vagina (PIV). I know some religions and families completely fuck up expression of sexuality. I'm dealing with my wife's issues. Any sexual activity came to a grinding halt after I said I didn't want a 3rd child.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 10, 2017 9:27:10 GMT -5
"he always went for straight sex...remove clothes & get on kind which I found very awkward to do. There was never a beginning to anything. No hugging, kissing or touching me to get me in the mood. The amount of times I have had to try to get him excited with hand & yet when it wouldnt happen he would just say not going to happen & turn around & start snoring while I wondered what I did wrong or if I wasnt attractive enough for him."
Sounds like two enormously inhibited, low libido, shy and sexually ignorant strangers were united in marriage and unsurprisingly sex didn't happen. They also seem to have lacked sexual chemistry for each other. Or else, shyness wouldn't have prevented their acting on sexual urges when nightly they shared a bed.
Only now when she is middle aged is Shep discovering what it's like to feel real lust and to experience any sexual pleasure.
It does baffle me that someone as bookish and studious as Shep describes her young self didn't turn to books or internet educational sites about sex when she and her husband ran into sexual problems. There is much information that could have helped them.
I also don't understand how they got ivf. Did their doctor not ask them about sexual frequency? I thought such information was asked before doctors got sperm samples or did intrusive exams and testing on the woman to determine whether the couple could become fertile on their own.
As for Shep's question about her affair partner: yes, you are likely to develop deep feelings for him, the kind of romantic and lustful feelings depicted in movies and love stories. Given your naïveté about love and sex and given his willingness to cheat on his wife, it may not end well for you. To me, it sounds like he approached you because he was looking for an affair partner. That's typically where men are going when they talk about marital problems to a woman who isn't their wife.
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shep40
Junior Member
Posts: 25
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Post by shep40 on Sept 10, 2017 10:27:47 GMT -5
"he always went for straight sex...remove clothes & get on kind which I found very awkward to do. There was never a beginning to anything. No hugging, kissing or touching me to get me in the mood. The amount of times I have had to try to get him excited with hand & yet when it wouldnt happen he would just say not going to happen & turn around & start snoring while I wondered what I did wrong or if I wasnt attractive enough for him." Sounds like two enormously inhibited, low libido, shy and sexually ignorant strangers were united in marriage and unsurprisingly sex didn't happen. They also seem to have lacked sexual chemistry for each other. Or else, shyness wouldn't have prevented their acting on sexual urges when nightly they shared a bed. Only now when she is middle aged is Shep discovering what it's like to feel real lust and to experience any sexual pleasure. It does baffle me that someone as bookish and studious as Shep describes her young self didn't turn to books or internet educational sites about sex when she and her husband ran into sexual problems. There is much information that could have helped them. I also don't understand how they got ivf. Did their doctor not ask them about sexual frequency? I thought such information was asked before doctors got sperm samples or did intrusive exams and testing on the woman to determine whether the couple could become fertile on their own. As for Shep's question about her affair partner: yes, you are likely to develop deep feelings for him, the kind of romantic and lustful feelings depicted in movies and love stories. Given your naïveté about love and sex and given his willingness to cheat on his wife, it may not end well for you. To me, it sounds like he approached you because he was looking for an affair partner. That's typically where men are going when they talk about marital problems to a woman who isn't their wife. To answer your questions, I didnt turn to books because I was in a country wherein it was a taboo to buy sex books, especially for a woman. Internet wasnt available at home then either. Now things are easy due to access to technology but it wasnt in 90s. IVF, again in the country I was in, its a common treatment for married people with issues so as long as we paid for it, no questions were asked. Plus the Dr was a family friend. I was crazy to go through it though because having a kid when you are a virgin is a killer. With my first delivery, I didnt heal well & went in ppd for the first year almost. Husband took care of the baby while I cried my eyes every day for no reason. He also helped me come out of that depression. He really is a nice guy apart from this one thing. We are just like two good friends & yes you are correct what we lack is the chemistry the attraction for each other. After moving to first UK & then USA, I have read about actually how to do it. I always thought the problem was me as I am not able to excite him so never looked at other reasons...sounds silly but thats the truth. I thought if I work on myself being fit, more open towards sex & really try hard it will happen. I was 130 pounds 5'6" tall when I got married but with ppd & 3 kids went upto 170 pounds. Now I am in the healthy range having worked regularly on myself, at 148 pounds (size 10) I am happy with the way I look as I get lot of male attention but I am shy so just ignore it. Sad part is my husband still doesnt look at me like he wants to be intimate with me...so still stuck 😞 |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 10, 2017 11:28:22 GMT -5
"I always thought the problem was me as I am not able to excite him so never looked at other reasons...sounds silly but thats the truth."
All makes sense now that you explained. Only surprise is your husband's not insisting on sex early in your relationship. Men's sex drives are at their peak when young. Shyness and ignorance about mechanics doesn't explain to me why he didn't insist on doing something that allowed him to orgasm. This especially would be true if women are expected to be subservient to men in your culture.
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shep40
Junior Member
Posts: 25
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Post by shep40 on Sept 10, 2017 12:13:27 GMT -5
Next I will ask him either he gets this done or lets me have my thing from somewhere else & may be he will do something then & now i even cringe at the thought of what that something will be. The problem there is that even if you get him to have sex with you, it becomes a bit pointless. The whole point of sex is burning mutual desire driving two people to get together in the most intimate ways possible. And I have learnt that forcing a refuser to have sex with you kills the whole point. Thats exactly why i was cringing...if u have to force or push someone thats certainly not going to be pleasurable experience for anyone. |
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shep40
Junior Member
Posts: 25
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Post by shep40 on Sept 10, 2017 13:37:47 GMT -5
"I always thought the problem was me as I am not able to excite him so never looked at other reasons...sounds silly but thats the truth." All makes sense now that you explained. Only surprise is your husband's not insisting on sex early in your relationship. Men's sex drives are at their peak when young. Shyness and ignorance about mechanics doesn't explain to me why he didn't insist on doing something that allowed him to orgasm. This especially would be true if women are expected to be subservient to men in your culture. He respected my decision for few days but then insisted hence the fumbled attempts & we never succeeded in sex so then those attempts started to fade off too. |
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shep40
Junior Member
Posts: 25
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Post by shep40 on Sept 10, 2017 13:48:33 GMT -5
shep40Others upstream have mentioned vaginismus, whatever that is. I am not endorsing their Botox treatment or anything else they are selling, but the front part of this article may be of interest, especially the part about how pregnancy affects it, assuming you carried the babies yourself: www.mazewomenshealth.com/blog/2016/12/01/pregnancy-and-vaginismus/ Also I want to caution you about getting too attached to your FIRST legit sexual partner, which in this case is your affair partner (AP). I married my first, and although I thought the sex was phenomenal both before marriage and for a good while afterward, Im afraid the euphoria blinded me to potential warning signs. So I have never (yet) experienced a second sexual partner. I have a job and kids and I simply don't have the time or energy left for sneaking around. But since your AP has cheated on his wife and you are not likely his "first" I suggest you consider cheating on your AP. If you want. Strictly for scientific purposes of course. ;-) [ Oh wow...I think I had a splash pregnancy & they are right. After first pregnancy the next two times I could self insaminate myself it was that easy but one thing is, with this other guy, I felt so good. There was no anxiousness or anything. Penetration was so easy that I questioned in my mind if he had penetrated...Thank you so much for the link, that cleared some of doubts. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 10, 2017 16:36:58 GMT -5
Very involved thread. Massive amount of postings. Proving this is the most authentic Forum about this Subject and all that falls in the mix.
Just to clarify my impression is the H was not into intimacy and going for mechanical sex and sustained refusing over time - maybe not at the very beginning - but over time.
Refuser becomes counter refuser and vice versa ad inifinitum.
He said /She said / did what etc. The bottom line is it is an SM NOW and has been for a long time it seems.
So maybe no one is entirely innocent - but what does that change?
Shep40 has experience passion and from what I can gather at least a massive infatuation and probably a full on activation of not the mere "sex drive" but the LOVE DRIVE. The most powerful force just about in the human psyche.
Here is an Excellent lecture by Dr. Fischer on the "LOVE DRIVE".
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Thank you for telling me as it is. I truly appreciate the support.
