shep40
Junior Member
Posts: 25 
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Post by shep40 on Sept 9, 2017 0:27:47 GMT -5
I met my husband just out of college & both our families actually got us together & married so we never dated before marriage. This was my first relationship as I was always a serious & career focused girl. After marriage at age of 23 we tried to have sex but as both of us were virgin, we just fumbled. I didnt initially want to have sex as I wanted some time to get to know my new husband and as I was a virgin, I was also shy. But after few months of being married, whenever we tried to have sex, it wouldnt happen i.e. he couldnt penetrate. It just left us both frustrated & I started thinking even less of sex. My husband also stopped initiating. Due to family pressure we had 2 kids in 9 years via IVF. I couldnt even tell my ob I was a virgin & was afraid of delivery. After the babies, I thought now that the pressure is off we can try again. Well same thing...it didnt work. I just couldnt excite my husband. I felt like a big failure. I didnt understand what I was doing wrong. I was young & pretty attractive with a nice curvious body. It just crushed my confidence. After 20 yrs of being married, I have had lengthy one sided conversations numerous time with my husband & the responses are:
We have a perfect marriage apart from this. People dont have such great relationships. (Yes we are like best buddies but that cant be all to a marriage surely?)
When I was interested in you, you didnt want to have sex. So I suppressed those feelings & now I dont feel like that anymore about you. (Yes its true I said no to sex because for me, he was a stranger whom I married due to family & traditions. But I just couldnt get naked with a stranger so soon. I grew up in a traditional family where sex was not even mentioned. I had no idea how sex was done even. I know sounds horrible right? We didnt have sex-ed in school & I was always a loner so no friends to discuss it with. But after I felt comfortable, I really tried initiating & even reading up on how I could pls him etc. I even asked him what I could do & did whatever he asked but he just never got excited enough. And things never went as far beyond that so I never got anything in return either.)
Suddenly now you are thinking about sex. Where is the time? We are leading busy life with kids & job etc. I will think about it. If it happens, it will happen naturally. You cant force it. (Well I have been thinking about sex since few months after getting married but it never happened. I initiated, I tried sexy nightclothes, I even suggested watching porn together but nothing. Out of 20 yrs, at least 16-17 yrs of me asking & being shot down. The rejection cuts deep every single time.)
My questioning him always ends in him thinking about it but he never gets back to me. Last time I asked was a month ago & he said ok I will do something. Let me research, give me 2 days. And he was angry while he said it too. Well its been a month & still nothing. I dont know why we sleep on same bed anymore. I am embarrassd to be a virgin at 43 yrs. i really tried my best because I thought we are married & I have to make this work but its no use. My kids are still young & I am a stay at home mum so I cant divorce. I will get no family support if I separate from my husband as they view divorce as a taboo. I am ashamed to say that in spite of being educated I am dependent on my husband. I thought I was staying at home to take care of my family but in turn I have lost financial independence.
About 9 months back, I met a guy at a local library & we connected. Became friends & had some interesting conversations. He is married too so I only looked at him as a friend. We kept in touch and met at library almost every couple of weeks for chats & discussing books etc. While chatting one day he told me about how his wife is not a very affectionate person & though I couldnt share everything else, I said its the same with my husband. Well he invited himself for a coffee one day & as we were alone, he asked me if we could have a friendly hug. Well all I can say is, I felt like I was on fire when he hugged me. He looked at me & I all but melted. We kissed & next thing I knew we were headed for sex. At that point, I had to be honest & told him I was a virgin. He of course was confused and asked how so gave him a short version. Well, he was so understanding & made sure he was gentle & just thinking about my pleasure. He said I was beautiful & warm. It made me feel like I was alive for the first time. Later on we both felt guilty as we both are married and dont want to break our family. But our connection is insane. I feel like our bodies click like a puzzle piece if that makes sense. Its weird but may be its my inexperience that hightens everything but he said he felt the same.
What am I going to do? Its true my husband is my closest friend. He cares for me deeply. He works long hrs to provide for us. He is a great father to our kids. He even helps out at home with cleaning and laundry. Am I expecting too much? Is sex not that important in marriage? May be I feel the need because I am a virgin? I felt like a teenager with the other guy but surely having an affair is not good for both our families. I dont want to hurt my kids or have them lose their father because of aomething I did....pls give me some advice...what can I do? I feel like I will go crazy without some intimacy. I will even take cuddles or hugs but my husband just avoids any physical contact with me. I tried cuddling him one day & since then he asks me to go to bed first & says he is working & comes to bed after I sleep. I am going crazy thinking about this. Am I meant to lead a sexless & without intimacy life? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 9, 2017 0:33:47 GMT -5
You have a medical problem called vaganismus, involuntary contraction of the vagina that prevents penetration. It is curable with the help of an experienced sex therapist. Given your condition's impact emotionally on you and your husband, sex therapy for both of you would be important to do if you wish to have a marriage that includes intercourse.
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shep40
Junior Member
Posts: 25
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Post by shep40 on Sept 9, 2017 0:42:42 GMT -5
Northstarmom, thank you for responding. May be I had that condition but since I had sex for the first time with this other guy & he could penetrate easily, surely thats not the case now? I have asked my husband about going to a sex therapist, counsellet, Dr but he just says we are busy and where is the time for all that etc. I cant force him to go to a Dr. Hence I feel like there is nothing else I can do anymore.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 9, 2017 1:08:19 GMT -5
For all youbknow, you may still have vaganismus when it comes to your husband. You two have been living together like siblings for so long that your body may react to your husband like it would if your brother were trying to have sex with you.
The rejection and difficulty penetrating may have caused your husband to have ed or to turn to some other person for sex. He probably no longer has sexual feelings for you nor is he interested in developing those feelings for you.
Since you and your husband never have had sex, you'd qualify for an annulment in most places. Another option would be to stay married while agreeing that both of you could seek sexual satisfaction with others.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 9, 2017 1:19:13 GMT -5
Welcome. What a heart wrenching story and yet you showed courage and perseverance.
Just to be clear - you were "heading for sex" and felt guilty so did you actually have sex?
Would you say now you are "infatuated" or have"fallen in love"? Is it mutual with him too?
Have you talked to a doctor about your vaginismus? Apparently it can have psychological causes (fear of painful sex) and also actual biological causes?
If you had sex with your Lover - how way your Vaginismus during this experience?
Welcome and you are not alone anymore.
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Post by baza on Sept 9, 2017 1:20:02 GMT -5
If you are in an ILIASM shithole, and then choose to get a 3rd party involved, it is invariably a game changer. Here, for example, the third party has awakened your sexual persona, and there is no putting that genie back in the bottle. Probably, what will happen with this other bloke is nothing as far as the longer term future goes, but I'll bet that at the very least it has got you thinking about how short changed you have been in your primary relationship (and that's not necessarily a bad thing). It will boil down to this. If you stay in your non sexual primary relationship, you can kiss goodbye any thoughts of a robust intimate life. That is probably going to escalate your resentment levels greatly - quite possibly to a level where you have to get out. Another scenario would be your spouse finding out about your painting outside the marital lines and giving you shit about it for years and years after, making your life a misery. Or reacting volcanically and divorcing you. The odds are, that one way or another, divorce is in your future. Not tomorrow, but probably sooner than you think. On that basis, my suggestion is that you see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you, in theoretical terms. In other words, find out what the stakes are in this game, and how you might manage that situation. I'd caution against devoting much time / energy on your spouse. You are not going to convince, cajole, manoeuvre or manipulate him into being anything other than what he is. Sexually disinterested in you. I think you need to take a longer term view of things, and he is not likely to be in that picture as a partner - though he most certainly would be in the picture as a co-parent. Difficult choices loom for you Sister shep40 . Try and make those choices on as fully informed a basis as you can. |
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 9, 2017 1:20:20 GMT -5
shep40, welcome to the club nobody wants to be in, and, my condolences for your ordeal. I'm going to assume you're from a Christian background. Normally, I don't make long posts, but I can't make a Cliff's notes version of this. The first thing I would like you to consider is shedding your guilt over what happened. You've been a saint, dealing with this for as long as you have. I would like to give you some scripture to go along with this, which helped me from my perspective, and, I hope helps you. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5: 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Shep40, your husband has been depriving you in clear violation of his vows. I don't think I need to quote from Eclesiastes to remind anyone what G-d thinks about people that break their vows to him. My perspective is at odds with society. From my vantage point he made a promise he did not fulfill. He is the cheater. He has cheated you out of two decades of a basic human need. In this day and age of modern medicine, there is no acceptable excuse for that. I want to extend this to English common law. If there was a contract for services that the provider could not or refused to fulfill, the customer was then free to find services from another provider. I know my perspective is different from society, but society does not see the abusive nature of forced celibacy. You married with full faith that he would fulfill his vows. He has not. He never told you that you would live a celibate life with him. You never consented to this abuse. Your deal was "to have and to hold", and he cheated you out of that.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 9, 2017 1:57:29 GMT -5
shep40 , welcome to the club nobody wants to be in, and, my condolences for your ordeal. I'm going to assume you're from a Christian background. Normally, I don't make long posts, but I can't make a Cliff's notes version of this. The first thing I would like you to consider is shedding your guilt over what happened. You've been a saint, dealing with this for as long as you have. I would like to give you some scripture to go along with this, which helped me from my perspective, and, I hope helps you. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5: 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Shep40, your husband has been depriving you in clear violation of his vows. I don't think I need to quote from Eclesiastes to remind anyone what G-d thinks about people that break their vows to him. My perspective is at odds with society. From my vantage point he made a promise he did not fulfill. He is the cheater. He has cheated you out of two decades of a basic human need. In this day and age of modern medicine, there is no acceptable excuse for that. I want to extend this to English common law. If there was a contract for services that the provider could not or refused to fulfill, the customer was then free to find services from another provider. I know my perspective is different from society, but society does not see the abusive nature of forced celibacy. You married with full faith that he would fulfill his vows. He has not. He never told you that you would live a celibate life with him. You never consented to this abuse. Your deal was "to have and to hold", and he cheated you out of that. F--k what society thinks!!! Absolutely contract violated. H broke his vows FIRST by not honoring. Shep40 has clean hands here and even Saints sin - but they are still Saints. |
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 9, 2017 2:12:23 GMT -5
shep40, there's an expression... "When people show you who they really are, believe them." Your H has given you a 20-year track record for reference. He's not changing, at least not with you - that dynamic is carved in stone by now. Unless he has a chemical/hormonal deficiency that affords a dramatic turnaround (very unlikely), then counseling, etc. will change nothing. And now... you have a taste of what you've been missing. What you will never have with your H. The question now becomes whether you can accept your life as it is. I can tell you, that's a path filled with resentment.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 9, 2017 5:08:13 GMT -5
...What am I going to do? Its true my husband is my closest friend. He cares for me deeply. He works long hrs to provide for us. He is a great father to our kids. He even helps out at home with cleaning and laundry. Am I expecting too much? Is sex not that important in marriage? May be I feel the need because I am a virgin? I felt like a teenager with the other guy but surely having an affair is not good for both our families. I dont want to hurt my kids or have them lose their father because of aomething I did....pls give me some advice...what can I do? I feel like I will go crazy without some intimacy. I will even take cuddles or hugs but my husband just avoids any physical contact with me. I tried cuddling him one day & since then he asks me to go to bed first & says he is working & comes to bed after I sleep. I am going crazy thinking about this. Am I meant to lead a sexless & without intimacy life? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ 1. What am I going to do? You are going to need to make some decisions. You may force your husband to make some, too. My wife has settled on a "don't ask don't tell" policy to keep the family intact. Some have open marriages of other sorts. Some divorce. I know one thing in my case, and that is I cannot go back to the way things were. Maybe others can. 2. Am I expecting too much? Not at all. I would have loved it if my tormentor had turned a corner. In her defense, at least she is publicly affectionate. Your husband is not even that. 3. Is sex not important in marriage? If it is not important enough for a spouse to provide it, should it matter to that spouse if another provider is used? 4. May I feel the need because I am a virgin? You are feeling the need because you are human. 5. What can I do? Four options. A) Demand your spouse provide something they do not care about and settle for low quality. B) Accept that nothing is your future. C) Find another source that can give you the high quality connection you need. D) End the relationship because it was poorly crafted from the beginning, doomed to fail, and the honest thing to do is recognize it as such. 6. Am I meant to lead a sexless and without intimacy life? I do not believe in predestination. I believe life is meant to be lived, and G-d understands that. |
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Post by dinnaken on Sept 9, 2017 5:42:35 GMT -5
Hi shep40 I agree with northstarmom vaganismus would have been the problem at the start of the marriage (it was in mine) and after this length of time the problem with your husband may well be insoluble - sorry. I think you're very brave; I was faced with a similar problem to yours but from the perspective of the other gender and I've never had the courage to tell my story. So, if it helps to know that you are not alone, my wife had vaganismus and my marriage was only finally consummated after two years of marriage and only then after six months working with a sex therapist. It would be great to relate that we were then consumed by a passionate desire for one another and had endless sex which led to a long, happy, intimate marriage but if it had been I wouldn't be here would I? My wife and I were in many ways very well matched, shy, academic, a professional couple with similar interests etc. With hindsight (that wonderful thing) I failed to see that she came from a very conservative family where nothing was ever talked about - especially sex - she was/is deeply religious and saw sex as somehow 'dirty' and she also had deep seated body-image problems. Even after we were able to have sex those problems never went away, it never really developed into a proper sex life and eventually stopped. I'm sorry, and I hope I'm wrong - I hope your marriage doesn't go the way of mine, but I don't think you will every get the intimate relationship you desire within your marriage. If your marriage has never been consummated I would have thought that an annulment would be possible. You might have been a stay at home mother but that doesn't mean that you can't start afresh. While this relationship with this other chap might not last, it has shown you an alternative future. I would encourage you to seriously start exploring alternative futures for yourself -it's the old 'knowledge is power' thing - empower yourself. Don't delay |
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shep40
Junior Member
Posts: 25
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Post by shep40 on Sept 9, 2017 7:36:33 GMT -5
Thank you so much everyone. I am crying as I read the responses. May be I was & am the problem but whenever I mentioned Dr or sex therapist my husband just reacts negatively. He even went as far as saying we dont have a problem & its all in my head or I am thinking too much. Where is the time? Etc. And yes, now I dont think I can look at him as anything more than my kids father. After begging, crying, asking repeatedly, opening my heart to tell him how I feel, each time when I was shot down, a part of me died a little every single time. Who does that to their own wife?
Yes after the hug & kiss with the other guy turned into sex. I dont know but somehow him touching me & holding me almost burnt me with desire. Thats the only way I can explain it. When he penetrated me easily, I almost cried thinking omg its actually happening. My entire body was so alive. His every touch made me realize what I was missing. And to this day, I feel thankful to him that he showed me that I am a passionate person. I felt guilty because I am the primary caretaker of my kids & while doing this I didnt think how this would affect them. And thats my guilt nowon for sure. But this incidence showed me that I have very valid needs. I cant go on without physical intimacy. I need this as much as I need to breathe. I am not sure what I will do because as I said I am financially dependent on him & my family is not even in the same country as us (neither is his family) plus our families wont even consider divorce as an option...this is where I am stuck. If I was financially secure independently I would leave now but I have to think about my young kids future too.
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shep40
Junior Member
Posts: 25
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Post by shep40 on Sept 9, 2017 8:16:21 GMT -5
Mcroommate, I will try to answer your questions as clearly as I can. I felt guilty after the sex. During & before I was consumed with the feelings which I was experiencing for the first time in my sexless & devoid of intimacy life. My brain was totally on shut down mode & I was full on emotions mode. Do I feel something for this other guy...oh God, do I ever. But I knew beforehand he was married. He has one grown up kid but his other kid is nearing teenage so I cant ask him for anything, that would be too selfish. Even the thought that I ended up disrespecting his wife makes me cringe & I have no reason to give her if she ever finds out & asks me. All I can say to her is how sorry I am. But on the other hand, the connection I feel with him is like no other. Its not just physical but his hug, or even a simple touch makes me feel warm within. So there is that...If I didnt feel something for his it would be a surprise. But he always told me how he would never want to break his family so how can I expect more from him? Does he feel the same way? I truly dont know. Men in my limited opinion, do not express their emotions so easily or so soon. He told me its weird but there is this strong connection that he feels with me. He thinks I am a beautiful, wonderful person in & out. He said jokingly once, why didnt I meet him before he married his wife? To which I replied with a smile that I was in a different country back then. Plus as he is 4 yrs older than I am, I was like 19 or something when he got married  That surely made him smile. With him, I am a fun person. I smile a lot. I tease him & even flirt which is a new side of me that I never knew existed. Hope that answers your questions & thank you for understanding my situation & supporting me through this. |
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Post by dinnaken on Sept 9, 2017 8:18:10 GMT -5
Hi shep40 You weren't/aren't the problem you were/are one of the two people in a sad unhappy situation and right now you are the only one of those two people trying to resolve it. So bravo to you for talking about it and trying to sort it out. I don't know if this applies to your situation but in mine my wife wanted to be married - front and centre of her desires was that and she wanted to stay married above all else. That was it - full stop. I wanted more and eventually (after too many years) I had to leave. I can't know but I can empathise (as can just about everyone here) with that feeling of rejection; that small part of you dying with each rebuff. I'm so happy for you that you found someone to share a moment of intimacy with; I can only imagine what it must be like. I can remember meeting someone after years and years of dulling and repressing my emotions; it went no further than a moment of connection but that moment of awakening was a revelation. Your situation sounds very difficult. A couple of observations - maintaining you in a situation of financial dependence is a means of controlling you. How can you begin to gain some form of financial independence? Would it be possible for you to get some form of employment? It doesn't have to be much but it would be a start. As to divorce - I'm not divorced but I live separate from my wife. When I asked for a separation I told her that out of respect for her Christian beliefs in the sacrament of marriage I wouldn't ask for a divorce but nevertheless that was it - 'Game Over'. I now have my own home, my child lives with me and I earn enough to keep us afloat. |
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shep40
Junior Member
Posts: 25
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Post by shep40 on Sept 9, 2017 8:36:49 GMT -5
So let me ask this to all of you...what are you doing as a solution in your cases? Anyone getting intimacy outside of marriage? Does it help? Does it affect your family? Did you develop feelings for the other person? Did they for you?
Just trying to understand.
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That surely made him smile.