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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 9, 2017 8:08:33 GMT -5
Stopped wearing it very shortly after I moved out in January, unless we were seeing our couples counselor or I was at church. And admittedly, I would take it off if I was out with friends or the dogs for maybe a month or two before I left. . YES! Welcome back friend! (I so remember you from day one!) Just a polite question, or maybe more of a food for thought question. Why the put it back on at church? Shouldn't church be a place where you can be open about these every day life issues? Gods word addresses these things. It's just so wrong that "tradition" gets in the way of true compassion and mercy. (just a personal opinion) As you may remember me mentioning in previous posts, she's terrified of what other people think about her, and us, so I did it as a way to let her save face in her "safe space." I resigned from the Deacon board and let the ministers know that I was stepping away from the church, because she needed that as "her" place. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 9, 2017 9:53:19 GMT -5
YES! Welcome back friend! (I so remember you from day one!) Just a polite question, or maybe more of a food for thought question. Why the put it back on at church? Shouldn't church be a place where you can be open about these every day life issues? Gods word addresses these things. It's just so wrong that "tradition" gets in the way of true compassion and mercy. (just a personal opinion) As you may remember me mentioning in previous posts, she's terrified of what other people think about her, and us, so I did it as a way to let her save face in her "safe space." I resigned from the Deacon board and let the ministers know that I was stepping away from the church, because she needed that as "her" place. Thanks friend! I've been reading and discussing some of these same things in my Divorce Recovery class. What you give up in a divorce and what you gain. One of those things is mutual friendships. How friends now perceive you. Especially a church. personally ,I lost one church, but gained another one. I'm happier. I can be myself and there's little fear of what others think about me. I now can come and go as I please. More of her "issues" that you will never change, and no longer are your problem! |
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Post by mackowitz on Aug 9, 2017 14:12:55 GMT -5
I took mine off three years ago following a terrible attempt at reset sex. At that moment I realized our relationship was bad, and it didn't have a lot to do with sex.
At the time, I probably hoped she'd notice the ring and ask why and it might lead to a discussion (or just a fight). But the roommate has never asked. She still wears hers to portray the proper public image I suppose. My daughter noticed and asked why I don't wear my ring and I told her it was too uncomfortable. I think it's in my desk drawer, but I haven't seen it in a while.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 10, 2017 5:47:52 GMT -5
I cant get mine off. Years of fighting with mechanical things and my fingers are like a bunch of bananas. When the decree nisi comes, (really starting to become frustrating now) I'm going to get the angle grinder out and cut it off !!! I may sell the broken pieces for whatever they are worth and give the money to the homeless. Because I have never felt so close to being homeless over this whole process and can only imagine what its truly like.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 10, 2017 9:57:14 GMT -5
Mine is on my key ring, still with me, like luggage.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2017 10:55:05 GMT -5
We are having a "let it go " ceremony at my "divorce recovery class. We have been asked to bring something sentimental and burn it. Throw it into the fire. Maybe write a letter or something.
I keep thinking about my ring when I see this post. It's tempting to throw it into the fire!
(It has the wedding date and my initials engraved on the inside.)
Then I think about what it might be worth (money). Even if it's a small amount, it all helps with these crazy attorney fees and the control of the money by my STBX.
That makes me wonder, " what about "her ring" the diamond. With all of her lying and deceit when it comes to finances. I want the money back from it. I will spend it on the teens.
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Aug 10, 2017 17:12:05 GMT -5
Stopped wearing it very shortly after I moved out in January, unless we were seeing our couples counselor or I was at church. And admittedly, I would take it off if I was out with friends or the dogs for maybe a month or two before I left. Haven't worn it at all since probably March. It's been in a drawer, first a dresser drawer when I was staying with a friend, now that I'm in my own apartment, it's in a desk drawer. Once everything is said and done, I'm not sure if I'll try to sell it or what- it's hammered white gold, so it's impossible to resize. I'll figure that out when I get to that point, since it's still six more months away. YES! Welcome back friend! (I so remember you from day one!) Just a polite question, or maybe more of a food for thought question. Why the put it back on at church? Shouldn't church be a place where you can be open about these every day life issues? Gods word addresses these things. It's just so wrong that "tradition" gets in the way of true compassion and mercy. (just a personal opinion) ^^^^this is why I'm no longer catholic. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 23:37:54 GMT -5
I wear mine. I had taken it off for a long while after I asked for a divorce last summer (and he refused). But then I got hit on, and I'm not going the outsourcing route, so I put it back on. I don't want to give the impression that I'm available when I'm really not.
I'll probably wear it until I'm divorced. I'll wear my ring until then and watch H's actions in good faith, (stupidly) hoping for a turnaround.
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Post by lwoetin on Aug 11, 2017 0:56:16 GMT -5
I wear mine. I had taken it off for a long while after I asked for a divorce last summer (and he refused). But then I got hit on, and I'm not going the outsourcing route, so I put it back on. I don't want to give the impression that I'm available when I'm really not. I'll probably wear it until I'm divorced. I'll wear my ring until then and watch H's actions in good faith, (stupidly) hoping for a turnaround. what is the problem with getting hit on? Won't it add a little incentive for your spouse to step up his game? I have a lame excuse for not wearing mine. It does open up some possibilities though, although I have faith that my marriage will work out. I don't want my wife to get too complacent. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 11, 2017 8:03:36 GMT -5
I wear mine. I had taken it off for a long while after I asked for a divorce last summer (and he refused). But then I got hit on, and I'm not going the outsourcing route, so I put it back on. I don't want to give the impression that I'm available when I'm really not. I'll probably wear it until I'm divorced. I'll wear my ring until then and watch H's actions in good faith, (stupidly) hoping for a turnaround. what is the problem with getting hit on? Won't it add a little incentive for your spouse to step up his game? I have a lame excuse for not wearing mine. It does open up some possibilities though, although I have faith that my marriage will work out. I don't want my wife to get too complacent. In my case, having my wife think I was having an affair was transformational in a positive way. We have now officially had sex enough that we are no longer classified as having a sexless marriage. Sadly, it has only highlighted the problems that were once masked by her refusal. More than once, she's broken down sobbing, afterwards, because she knows what she's capable of is never enough. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2017 8:09:32 GMT -5
what is the problem with getting hit on? Won't it add a little incentive for your spouse to step up his game? I have a lame excuse for not wearing mine. It does open up some possibilities though, although I have faith that my marriage will work out. I don't want my wife to get too complacent. Nothing's wrong, per se, with getting hit on. But I can't do anything about it and I don't want to give the impression of being available if I'm not. There are also some men I'd rather not have hit on me and the ring offers protection from those men. (The ladies here will know what I'm talking about.) Nothing makes my H step his game up. I truly believe I've tried everything. He's just not capable of or interested in a relationship. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 11, 2017 8:18:54 GMT -5
what is the problem with getting hit on? Won't it add a little incentive for your spouse to step up his game? I have a lame excuse for not wearing mine. It does open up some possibilities though, although I have faith that my marriage will work out. I don't want my wife to get too complacent. Nothing's wrong, per se, with getting hit on. But I can't do anything about it and I don't want to give the impression of being available if I'm not. There are also some men I'd rather not have hit on me and the ring offers protection from those men. (The ladies here will know what I'm talking about.) Nothing makes my H step his game up. I truly believe I've tried everything. He's just not capable of or interested in a relationship. Ouch. That is a tough place to be. He does not care about you even enough to try?! I get holding the family together. I understand self-denial. I just can't be "that guy" any more. I went 23 years without "cheating". Technically, I'm still not, but only because I'm selective. I don't see what I am considering as being cheating. I see two decades of denial as cheating. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2017 8:40:42 GMT -5
Ouch. That is a tough place to be. He does not care about you even enough to try?! I get holding the family together. I understand self-denial. I just can't be "that guy" any more. I went 23 years without "cheating". Technically, I'm still not, but only because I'm selective. I don't see what I am considering as being cheating. I see two decades of denial as cheating. He "cares" about me in his own way. I think he likes having me as a possession. But he wants the relationship all on his terms. No effort on his part. He's selfish, intimacy-averse, and has an avoidant attachment style. It's ok. I'll vote with my feet soon. He might actually be happier without me. I'm pretty sure I'll be happier alone than trapped here where I'm not desired or appreciated. Regarding denial and cheating. I think it's ok to call them by their given names. You've been neglected in your marriage and the solution you're choosing is cheating. Neither neglect nor cheating is ideal but the latter certainly is a consequence of the former. My conscience would bother me too much if I had sex with a man who wasn't my husband. I also don't need that distraction right now. I'm afraid it would keep me from getting out. An affair would just deflect pain that I need to feel in order to have the impetus to just get out. I'm also thinking of the next Mr. Elle and I want to be able to tell him that I was only with my husband during my marriage. Whoever he is, somehow I think that'll be important to him, to know I was faithful even under these conditions. I want him to be able to trust me implicitly. |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 11, 2017 9:34:31 GMT -5
Ouch. That is a tough place to be. He does not care about you even enough to try?! I get holding the family together. I understand self-denial. I just can't be "that guy" any more. I went 23 years without "cheating". Technically, I'm still not, but only because I'm selective. I don't see what I am considering as being cheating. I see two decades of denial as cheating. He "cares" about me in his own way. I think he likes having me as a possession. But he wants the relationship all on his terms. No effort on his part. He's selfish, intimacy-averse, and has an avoidant attachment style. It's ok. I'll vote with my feet soon. He might actually be happier without me. I'm pretty sure I'll be happier alone than trapped here where I'm not desired or appreciated. Regarding denial and cheating. I think it's ok to call them by their given names. You've been neglected in your marriage and the solution you're choosing is cheating. Neither neglect nor cheating is ideal but the latter certainly is a consequence of the former. My conscience would bother me too much if I had sex with a man who wasn't my husband. I also don't need that distraction right now. I'm afraid it would keep me from getting out. An affair would just deflect pain that I need to feel in order to have the impetus to just get out. I'm also thinking of the next Mr. Elle and I want to be able to tell him that I was only with my husband during my marriage. Whoever he is, somehow I think that'll be important to him, to know I was faithful even under these conditions. I want him to be able to trust me implicitly. The "conscience thing" was also the driving reason I never cheated when I was married. Sure, most reasonable people would look at a guy who had been forced into complete celibacy for years on on end and say "what the fuck did she think would happen?" when he cheated. Cheating would have certainly satisfied the physical "itch" - and God knows it was there. But the problem is that the way I'm wired, it would have seriously fucked with my head. In my way of thinking, if I wanted to break my vows, I needed to do it openly, release both of us from them via divorce, and walk out with my head held high. In the end, I'm REALLY glad I went that route. It meant another year of celibacy as I got my shit together, but I am in SUCH a better place with my honor intact. And I'm getting laid again. I personally don't give a shit how my ex feels about the fact I didn't cheat. I chose not to for ME and my mental health, not hers. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 11, 2017 10:59:04 GMT -5
I could not have outsourced a year ago at this time, but, I've evolved, or, depending on the perspective, devolved. Oddly, even now, with my marriage no longer in the definition of sexless, I'm still thinking differently.
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