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Post by carl on Aug 1, 2017 10:10:01 GMT -5
Sorry to ask the obvious.
But there must be a reason. I have never heard one from my W that I believe in the last ten years. Or more like she never really gives a reason. Acts like it is normal. But I rack my brains everyday. We are both fit and healthy, content in other ways. My wife is attractive and nobody's ever said I am not. I always dreamt of falling in love and getting married but most of the possible reasons for our sexless marriage are so hurtful it tears me up inside. I am no good at reading some people and I work so hard that I just can't find the time to tackle this. Don't think I would manage anyway. I don't think I would really know where to start. I have never kept a friend that has kind of let me down, you know, why bother, but with a spouse you have to try to figure stuff out. So much else I would rather do - like have a laugh or some actual sex. WTF.
But has anyone ever found a reason or do people just get a blank.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 1, 2017 12:27:14 GMT -5
This activity or the question you pose is generally referred to as "why" chasing. And probably 99.99% of us here have engaged in it. Some have actually figured out what happened. Others have spent years and in some cases decades chasing the answer in the hopes that once they have found it they can set about bringing a remedy to the problem. Most never know. It could be a case of intimacy aversion, body issues, sexual trauma experienced years or decades ago, hormonal imbalances, psychological problems. Or simply incomparability.The list goes on and on.
If you ask your SO you may or may not get an answer. And if you ask 6 months later you may get a different answer. Couples spend years in therapy trying to figure out the "why".
More often than not the answer comes out as your SO simply does not find you sexually attractive and so has no desire to be intimate with you. They may or may not love you, but they definitely don't want to f*ck you.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 1, 2017 12:37:52 GMT -5
Sorry to ask the obvious. But there must be a reason. I have never heard one from my W that I believe in the last ten years. Or more like she never really gives a reason. Acts like it is normal. But I rack my brains everyday. We are both fit and healthy, content in other ways. My wife is attractive and nobody's ever said I am not. I always dreamt of falling in love and getting married but most of the possible reasons for our sexless marriage are so hurtful it tears me up inside. I am no good at reading some people and I work so hard that I just can't find the time to tackle this. Don't think I would manage anyway. I don't think I would really know where to start. I have never kept a friend that has kind of let me down, you know, why bother, but with a spouse you have to try to figure stuff out. So much else I would rather do - like have a laugh or some actual sex. WTF. But has anyone ever found a reason or do people just get a blank. The sooner you stop asking "why" the better off you will be. I actually know the "why" in my situation and it doesn't help worth a damn. In the end, she doesn't desire you. I know that is blunt, but it is the reality of the situation, regardless of why that is. Now, the question is what do you do about it? Stay, cheat, leave? Those are your three choices. If you elect not to make a choice, you have still chosen. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 1, 2017 12:51:07 GMT -5
Some men/ women do not enjoy sex and they aren't going to do something they don't want to no matter what.
Some men/ women are no longer attracted to their spouse.
Some men/ women are lazy and would rather masturbate to porn and just get themselves off.
Some men/ women are selfish.
Some men/ women are intimacy averse and don't like kissing, hugging, affection let alone actual sex.
Some men/ women are secretly gay.
These are a few reasons off the top of my head. I can speculate as to my ex's why but it wouldn't change anything. I shouldn't have to beg a man to want sex with me. Now I'm single, getting laid is pretty easy.
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Post by neonspace on Aug 1, 2017 14:37:30 GMT -5
I don't know why my wife refuses. I have a few ideas about things I could have done to cause it. I've spent as much time chasing the whys as I have correcting those things trying to be a better person, in the hopes it would make me more attractive. It didn't work.
I can tell you why I counter-refuse. I'm just completely turned off. Through all my why chasing I realized there was never much respect for me. I finally came to the conclusion that having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me and doesn't respect me is disgusting, self-defeating, and just not a fun experience.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 1, 2017 15:01:47 GMT -5
Good post. I am quickly converging on the conclusion below. I finally came to the conclusion that having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me and doesn't respect me is disgusting, self-defeating, and just not a fun experience. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 1, 2017 15:03:04 GMT -5
I don't know why my wife refuses. I have a few ideas about things I could have done to cause it. I've spent as much time chasing the whys as I have correcting those things trying to be a better person, in the hopes it would make me more attractive. It didn't work. I can tell you why I counter-refuse. I'm just completely turned off. Through all my why chasing I realized there was never much respect for me. I finally came to the conclusion that having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me and doesn't respect me is disgusting, self-defeating, and just not a fun experience. I hope for you that the FOG (Fear ,Obligation, and Guilt) is lifting. Sounds like it. You will also begin to experience the same thoughts throughout many other aspects of your relationship. Things like, you no longer want to be seen in public with someone who doesn't respect you. You no longer want to eat dinner with someone who doesn't respect you. You no longer want to be the provider for someone who doesn't respect you...... (and the list goes on!) You will begin to realize you don't have to accept such a disrespectful behavior. You can't change their behavior, but you can escape it by leaving. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2017 15:25:38 GMT -5
carl, I am so sorry, my friend. I will agree with the others, you can spend a lifetime chasing the "whys." But does it really matter? I can tell you this: Until I stopped asking why my refuser acted the way she did and started asking why I was accepting it, things never changed. Please continue to post and read. You are among friends who have walked the path you are on.
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shes2hot4me
New Member
all the things that I used to know, have gone out the window
Posts: 7 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by shes2hot4me on Aug 1, 2017 15:48:59 GMT -5
Reading this stuff is helping me 😎
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Post by becca on Aug 1, 2017 15:59:42 GMT -5
I can tell you this: Until I stopped asking why my refuser acted the way she did and started asking why I was accepting it, things never changed. Brilliantly said! |
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 1, 2017 16:41:05 GMT -5
My wife of 22 years claims that we aren't having sex because she doesn't feel like we are emotionally connected. To me, that seems like a cop out answer. Apparently before we were together, she had no problem having sex with guys she just met. So, there's a small little chasm in between that I am trying to reconcile her logic on. To me, sex keeps a marriage alive and creates emotional intimacy. Extremely frustrating. Seems to me if we would just have sex more often, some of the emotional connection would return pretty quickly. I know it would on my end.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2017 17:43:31 GMT -5
My wife of 22 years claims that we aren't having sex because she doesn't feel like we are emotionally connected. To me, that seems like a cop out answer. Apparently before we were together, she had no problem having sex with guys she just met. So, there's a small little chasm in between that I am trying to reconcile her logic on. To me, sex keeps a marriage alive and creates emotional intimacy. Extremely frustrating. Seems to me if we would just have sex more often, some of the emotional connection would return pretty quickly. I know it would on my end. This is a total copout. IF she loved you and wanted to preserve the marriage, she would be fucking you. |
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Post by baza on Aug 1, 2017 17:58:19 GMT -5
Here's a scenario for you Brother carl . You have diabetes. Why you have diabetes could be (a) - the lifestyle and diet you have lived (b) - an unfortunate combination of genes from your parents (c) - all of the above But the fact remains, you have diabetes. The treatment is going to be pretty much the same irrespective of the "why". So it is with a refusive spouse. It could be any one of a multitude of "whys" that are in play with your missus, and there is not one fucking thing you can do about them. It is not a matter over which you have any control. Your missus is who she is. And you are either ok with that, or you are not. |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Aug 1, 2017 18:20:44 GMT -5
My wife of 22 years claims that we aren't having sex because she doesn't feel like we are emotionally connected. To me, that seems like a cop out answer. Apparently before we were together, she had no problem having sex with guys she just met. So, there's a small little chasm in between that I am trying to reconcile her logic on. To me, sex keeps a marriage alive and creates emotional intimacy. Extremely frustrating. Seems to me if we would just have sex more often, some of the emotional connection would return pretty quickly. I know it would on my end. This is a total copout. IF she loved you and wanted to preserve the marriage, she would be fucking you. is right. I had to look inside myself as well. Why was I continuing and putting up with the rejection and unhappiness? I realized I had daddy issues. I had mommy issues. and of course we all have issues. |
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Post by brian on Aug 1, 2017 18:36:39 GMT -5
Sorry to ask the obvious. But there must be a reason. I have never heard one from my W that I believe in the last ten years. Or more like she never really gives a reason. Acts like it is normal. But I rack my brains everyday. We are both fit and healthy, content in other ways. My wife is attractive and nobody's ever said I am not. I always dreamt of falling in love and getting married but most of the possible reasons for our sexless marriage are so hurtful it tears me up inside. I am no good at reading some people and I work so hard that I just can't find the time to tackle this. Don't think I would manage anyway. I don't think I would really know where to start. I have never kept a friend that has kind of let me down, you know, why bother, but with a spouse you have to try to figure stuff out. So much else I would rather do - like have a laugh or some actual sex. WTF. But has anyone ever found a reason or do people just get a blank. Carl, welcome to the place none of us ever wanted to be in. I think everyone else has said it all, but one last thing -- grab a bucket of popcorn, sit down, and start reading through this site. In it you will find lots of insight and wisdom that will get you thinking about your own feelings and stop worrying about what your refuser is thinking or why/how you got here. The fact is you are here, and it's what you do from this point forward that matters, not what has happened in the past. |
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