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Post by brian on Aug 1, 2017 18:45:25 GMT -5
My wife of 22 years claims that we aren't having sex because she doesn't feel like we are emotionally connected. To me, that seems like a cop out answer. Apparently before we were together, she had no problem having sex with guys she just met. So, there's a small little chasm in between that I am trying to reconcile her logic on. To me, sex keeps a marriage alive and creates emotional intimacy. Extremely frustrating. Seems to me if we would just have sex more often, some of the emotional connection would return pretty quickly. I know it would on my end. yeah... mine is like that too... it's just moving the goalpost, delaying giving you sex, deflecting the blame. I've stopped playing that game. I attempt with my wife every now and then just to watch her reaction and see what reason she gives -- from being tired, headache, etc. to one of my favorites last week of "All you're showing me is lust. I want LOVE." In other words, slow down so that she can think of another reason to stop. It's like denying water to a horse for a day, walking it down to a lake, and only allowing it to walk along the shore. So, I made a game of it... at least in my head. I openly tell her that I am looking for an AP, but I think she believes that I won't ever find anyone. There's plenty more, but this isn't my thread. |
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shes2hot4me
New Member
all the things that I used to know, have gone out the window
Posts: 7 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by shes2hot4me on Aug 1, 2017 18:49:35 GMT -5
This site is helping I've been reading and learning alot thanks to all
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 2, 2017 2:26:43 GMT -5
My wife of 22 years claims that we aren't having sex because she doesn't feel like we are emotionally connected. To me, that seems like a cop out answer. Apparently before we were together, she had no problem having sex with guys she just met. So, there's a small little chasm in between that I am trying to reconcile her logic on. To me, sex keeps a marriage alive and creates emotional intimacy. Extremely frustrating. Seems to me if we would just have sex more often, some of the emotional connection would return pretty quickly. I know it would on my end. Think of someone who you don't want to have sex with. At all. That person could be objectively attractive - but you don't feel sexually attracted to her. Like, your aunt. Or your coworker. Or the person behind the 7/11 counter. Now, imagine you had an obligation and that person felt an entitlement to sex with you. Imagine, your working relationship, or familial relationship and all that it entailed would be ruined if you didn't fulfill your sexual obligation with this person whom you were not attracted to, connected to, or otherwise interested in sexually. Do you think you'd feel better about it? Do you think, if she logically explained what was at stake, and the benefits, that such an argument would make you want to have sex with her? |
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Post by baza on Aug 2, 2017 2:49:40 GMT -5
Another angle.
If your missus told you straight up - "Look. I have no interest in fucking you now, never really did have any interest in that with you, and I cannot see me having any future interest in it either" - how would you react ?
Perhaps you might question the viability of the marriage.
Perhaps your missus greatly values some of the aspects of your marriage (like having you as an ATM, social accessory, child minder etc) and these things might be at risk should you seriously consider the viability of the marriage.
Under those circumstances (her wishing the marriage to continue with your role as ATM, social accessory, child minder etc continuing) then it would NOT be in her best interests to straight up tell you "Look. I have no interest in fucking you now, never really did have any interest in that with you, and I cannot see me having any future interest in it either"
In this scenario she is much better served by dancing around the issue, avoiding it, dodging it, and keep you guessing and "why" chasing.
As long as she can keep you busy "why" chasing, then you are NOT objectively considering the marriages viability.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 9:27:19 GMT -5
Another angle. If your missus told you straight up - "Look. I have no interest in fucking you now, never really did have any interest in that with you, and I cannot see me having any future interest in it either" - how would you react ? Perhaps you might question the viability of the marriage. Perhaps your missus greatly values some of the aspects of your marriage (like having you as an ATM, social accessory, child minder etc) and these things might be at risk should you seriously consider the viability of the marriage. Under those circumstances (her wishing the marriage to continue with your role as ATM, social accessory, child minder etc continuing) then it would NOT be in her best interests to straight up tell you "Look. I have no interest in fucking you now, never really did have any interest in that with you, and I cannot see me having any future interest in it either" In this scenario she is much better served by dancing around the issue, avoiding it, dodging it, and keep you guessing and "why" chasing. As long as she can keep you busy "why" chasing, then you are NOT objectively considering the marriages viability. In my own particular situation, this is the salient point. I "why chased" for years, maybe even a decade. It's a valuable activity if you had a great sex life and something changed and you are working together to figure it out. It's a thoroughly useless activity in every other instance. The only addenda I would add for me is that it is somewhat useful to coping if you stayed in finding out if the answer is "I have no interest in fucking YOU" vs "I have no interest in fucking ANYONE". Once I realized the answer was the latter, it does help if you're a stayer. It still sucks but I'm not bitter about it (much). |
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 2, 2017 11:11:53 GMT -5
This is a total copout. IF she loved you and wanted to preserve the marriage, she would be fucking you. is right. I had to look inside myself as well. Why was I continuing and putting up with the rejection and unhappiness? I realized I had daddy issues. I had mommy issues. and of course we all have issues. That's kind of how I feel. I struggle with how she can rationalize fucking some guy or guys she really doesn't even know in the past but not someone she has three children and 22 years of history with. Unfortunately it's not as easy as just picking up and leaving and calling her on the cop-out. We have three young kids and they would be devastated. I own a business with several employees that I also feel a responsibility for. I have accumulated a substantial amount of net worth while we have been together due to working my ass off and making good business decisions while she was home raising the kids (based on a mutual decision). Giving half of all of that away, including, most importantly, seeing my kids every day, doesn't seem like a great option. |
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 2, 2017 11:18:23 GMT -5
With regard to tooyoungtobeold's point, we did, at one point in time, have a very good sex life. It has been in a gradual decline since we had kids and I started a business and then dropped precipitously off a cliff in the last three years or so (like one to three times a year, max). Currently we are going on about six months without anything. Sure, part of it is work. Part of it is kids. Part of it is menopause. However, my fear is that part of may be very well intentional on her part, and that's the part I am trying to get to the bottom of. We are seeing a counselor and actually had a meeting recently where we spoke openly about how we felt and were "forced" to actually listen to each other for a change without the kids pulling us in different directions. I think it was a bit eye opening for her and I learned a little as well. We have a long way to go, but we will see how it progresses.
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Post by rejected101 on Aug 9, 2017 11:36:50 GMT -5
Some men/ women do not enjoy sex and they aren't going to do something they don't want to no matter what. Some men/ women are no longer attracted to their spouse. Some men/ women are lazy and would rather masturbate to porn and just get themselves off. Some men/ women are selfish. Some men/ women are intimacy averse and don't like kissing, hugging, affection let alone actual sex. Some men/ women are secretly gay. These are a few reasons off the top of my head. I can speculate as to my ex's why but it wouldn't change anything. I shouldn't have to beg a man to want sex with me. Now I'm single, getting laid is pretty easy. Basically this ^^^^^^^ I'm guessing this may fall in the 'Some men/woman are just selfish' category but... Some men/woman still find their partner attractive, still enjoy having sex, still develop a natural desire for sex (over time) but... on the whole are perfectly happy without it. Therefore they don't make room for it. In my opinion this means Some men/woman are complacent with regards to what is important for a marriage to be successful. Now I could live the rest of my life quite happily without eating ice cream but I can still really enjoy a tub of Ben and jerry's if it's placed in front of me. In fact when I eat it (apart from the negative dietary issues associated with ice cream) I often think, why don't I eat this more? This is yummy as fuck! And if, my wife loved ice cream but could only eat it when I agree to participate, guess what! I'd happily stuff it down each week knowing that I was a good hubby. |
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Post by brian on Aug 9, 2017 11:42:46 GMT -5
Some men/ women do not enjoy sex and they aren't going to do something they don't want to no matter what. Some men/ women are no longer attracted to their spouse. Some men/ women are lazy and would rather masturbate to porn and just get themselves off. Some men/ women are selfish. Some men/ women are intimacy averse and don't like kissing, hugging, affection let alone actual sex. Some men/ women are secretly gay. These are a few reasons off the top of my head. I can speculate as to my ex's why but it wouldn't change anything. I shouldn't have to beg a man to want sex with me. Now I'm single, getting laid is pretty easy. Basically this ^^^^^^^ I'm guessing this may fall in the 'Some men/woman are just selfish' category but... Some men/woman still find their partner attractive, still enjoy having sex, still develop a natural desire for sex (over time) but... on the whole are perfectly happy without it. Therefore they don't make room for it. In my opinion this means Some men/woman are complacent with regards to what is important for a marriage to be successful. Now I could live the rest of my life quite happily without eating ice cream but I can still really enjoy a tub of Ben and jerry's if it's placed in front of me. In fact when I eat it (apart from the negative dietary issues associated with ice cream) I often think, why don't I eat this more? This is yummy as fuck! And if, my wife loved ice cream but could only eat it when I agree to participate, guess what! I'd happily stuff it down each week knowing that I was a good hubby. ....and Ben&Jerry's even has a flavor to help you out! It's called Chubby Hubby. My wife loves that ice cream. Great analogy. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 9, 2017 11:50:20 GMT -5
Your back story is similar to mine. Used to have a great sex life. Then decline. Then progressively worse decline until it drastically alters the dynamics of the relationship. Its not very encouraging but its worth acknowledging the commonalities in the different types of SMs. With regard to tooyoungtobeold's point, we did, at one point in time, have a very good sex life. It has been in a gradual decline since we had kids and I started a business and then dropped precipitously off a cliff in the last three years or so (like one to three times a year, max). Currently we are going on about six months without anything. Sure, part of it is work. Part of it is kids. Part of it is menopause. However, my fear is that part of may be very well intentional on her part, and that's the part I am trying to get to the bottom of. We are seeing a counselor and actually had a meeting recently where we spoke openly about how we felt and were "forced" to actually listen to each other for a change without the kids pulling us in different directions. I think it was a bit eye opening for her and I learned a little as well. We have a long way to go, but we will see how it progresses. |
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Post by lwoetin on Aug 9, 2017 12:30:06 GMT -5
It's like getting a colonoscopy. I know it's necessary but I don't do it. It might not be that bad.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 9, 2017 14:28:33 GMT -5
Some men/ women do not enjoy sex and they aren't going to do something they don't want to no matter what. Some men/ women are no longer attracted to their spouse. Some men/ women are lazy and would rather masturbate to porn and just get themselves off. Some men/ women are selfish. Some men/ women are intimacy averse and don't like kissing, hugging, affection let alone actual sex. Some men/ women are secretly gay. These are a few reasons off the top of my head. I can speculate as to my ex's why but it wouldn't change anything. I shouldn't have to beg a man to want sex with me. Now I'm single, getting laid is pretty easy. Basically this ^^^^^^^ I'm guessing this may fall in the 'Some men/woman are just selfish' category but... Some men/woman still find their partner attractive, still enjoy having sex, still develop a natural desire for sex (over time) but... on the whole are perfectly happy without it. Therefore they don't make room for it. In my opinion this means Some men/woman are complacent with regards to what is important for a marriage to be successful. Now I could live the rest of my life quite happily without eating ice cream but I can still really enjoy a tub of Ben and jerry's if it's placed in front of me. In fact when I eat it (apart from the negative dietary issues associated with ice cream) I often think, why don't I eat this more? This is yummy as fuck! And if, my wife loved ice cream but could only eat it when I agree to participate, guess what! I'd happily stuff it down each week knowing that I was a good hubby. Yes complacent, selfish, and take their spouse for granted because they know we like sex. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2017 16:40:27 GMT -5
So, I took the time to write my wife a very heartfelt note about how much I love and miss my wife and the physical intimacy we used to have. I had eight or nine points and/or suggestions that I had for moving us closer together and hopefully rekindling some things. They ranged from requesting that she make time for herself to have at least one night a week away from the kids and I to go out and do her own thing (a class, out with the girls for drinks, etc.) to us setting up a date night every few weeks, etc. I also agreed that I would only work late one night a week, would spend more time being engaged on what happens at home, etc.
One of my requests in return was that we try to make time for physical intimacy of some kind (not even necessarily sex) at least once a week because it was important to me. On the surface this may sound very clinical, but I kind of believe that if we start having sex again, it may prime the pump and get us back into the swing of things. Now in a normal marriage, I wouldn't think once a week was asking for a lot. From studies I've read, the average married couple has sex 1 1/2 times per week. However, the letter apparently pissed my wife off because she felt it was more like a contract and she refused to agree to even attempt to have some sort of intimacy on a regular basis. I tried to explain to her that men often need physical intimacy to engage emotionally whereas women are often the opposite. Needless to say, she quickly dismissed my letter and was unwilling to commit to anything. She blew the entire letter off. Grrrrrrrrr!
So I said "fuck it" and bought the sports car I always wanted and have been looking at for five years. I still love my wife very much, but I am beginning to look to her less and less as she has clearly demonstrated that she doesn't care about my needs.  how do i get a url for a pictureHer response could be taken several different ways. 1) Saying nothing IS saying something! 2) Sounds like a DARVO. 3) A contract means "control". Something that she doesn't want to give up. 4) Her "lack of any communication" also says She doesn't love you, she loves having you around. 5) Try some direct yes or no questions. When she pulls her avoid/reversal then you take control. Tell her what she is not doing, and what she says by not answering. She wont like it, but you will certainly have a better idea of where you stand. She will too! |
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Post by baza on Aug 10, 2017 21:06:01 GMT -5
What model is the Audi ?
It looks like the "Divisible Asset" model.
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Post by lwoetin on Aug 11, 2017 1:11:13 GMT -5
So, I took the time to write my wife a very heartfelt note about how much I love and miss my wife and the physical intimacy we used to have. I had eight or nine points and/or suggestions that I had for moving us closer together and hopefully rekindling some things. They ranged from requesting that she make time for herself to have at least one night a week away from the kids and I to go out and do her own thing (a class, out with the girls for drinks, etc.) to us setting up a date night every few weeks, etc. I also agreed that I would only work late one night a week, would spend more time being engaged on what happens at home, etc.
One of my requests in return was that we try to make time for physical intimacy of some kind (not even necessarily sex) at least once a week because it was important to me. On the surface this may sound very clinical, but I kind of believe that if we start making efforts at physical intimacy again, it may prime the pump and get us back into the swing of things. Now in a normal marriage, I wouldn't think once a week was asking for a lot. From studies I've read, the average married couple has sex 1 1/2 times per week. However, the letter apparently pissed my wife off because she felt it was more like a contract and she refused to agree to even attempt to have some sort of intimacy on a regular basis. I tried to explain to her that men often need physical intimacy to engage emotionally whereas women are often the opposite. Needless to say, she quickly dismissed my letter and was unwilling to commit to anything. She blew the entire letter off. Grrrrrrrrr!
So I said "fuck it" and bought the sports car I always wanted and have been looking at for many years. I still love my wife very much, but I am beginning to realize that she doesn't seem to be happy with anything I do. She has clearly demonstrated that she doesn't care about my needs so I decided to have a little fun for a change and stop worrying about what she thinks. how do i get a url for a picture I'm sure you got her attention now. Pretty car! |
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