|
|
Post by thefullmoon on Aug 16, 2017 9:31:04 GMT -5
Sorry to ask the obvious. But there must be a reason. I have never heard one from my W that I believe in the last ten years. Or more like she never really gives a reason. Acts like it is normal. But I rack my brains everyday. We are both fit and healthy, content in other ways. My wife is attractive and nobody's ever said I am not. I always dreamt of falling in love and getting married but most of the possible reasons for our sexless marriage are so hurtful it tears me up inside. I am no good at reading some people and I work so hard that I just can't find the time to tackle this. Don't think I would manage anyway. I don't think I would really know where to start. I have never kept a friend that has kind of let me down, you know, why bother, but with a spouse you have to try to figure stuff out. So much else I would rather do - like have a laugh or some actual sex. WTF. But has anyone ever found a reason or do people just get a blank. The answer is pure and simple- she does not want to...either with you or with anybody at all... but there is no diferrence for you.Now you know. What are you going to do with it? |
|
|
|
Post by orangepeel on Aug 16, 2017 12:56:22 GMT -5
I don't know why my wife refuses. I have a few ideas about things I could have done to cause it. I've spent as much time chasing the whys as I have correcting those things trying to be a better person, in the hopes it would make me more attractive. It didn't work. I can tell you why I counter-refuse. I'm just completely turned off. Through all my why chasing I realized there was never much respect for me. I finally came to the conclusion that having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me and doesn't respect me is disgusting, self-defeating, and just not a fun experience. That's exactly it! I could have typed every syllable myself! |
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Aug 16, 2017 17:34:12 GMT -5
Sorry to ask the obvious. But there must be a reason. I have never heard one from my W that I believe in the last ten years. Or more like she never really gives a reason. Acts like it is normal. But I rack my brains everyday. We are both fit and healthy, content in other ways. My wife is attractive and nobody's ever said I am not. I always dreamt of falling in love and getting married but most of the possible reasons for our sexless marriage are so hurtful it tears me up inside. I am no good at reading some people and I work so hard that I just can't find the time to tackle this. Don't think I would manage anyway. I don't think I would really know where to start. I have never kept a friend that has kind of let me down, you know, why bother, but with a spouse you have to try to figure stuff out. So much else I would rather do - like have a laugh or some actual sex. WTF. But has anyone ever found a reason or do people just get a blank. The answer is pure and simple- she does not want to...either with you or with anybody at all... but there is no diferrence for you.Now you know. What are you going to do with it? This is my X. We had been intimate a couple times since the divorce. So about 4 months ago, after we had been inactive for just over 3 months, I was thinking if we are still on the quarterly plan she should be "in the mood". So I set about to get her pants off. She didn't appreciate my amorous intentions at all. I commented that usually after 3 months she wanted some physical intimacy. She responded she wanted to be through with sex. She didn't want sex with me or anyone else, ever again. She simply wasn't interested anymore and had no desire. |
|
|
|
Post by flyingsolo on Aug 17, 2017 14:04:47 GMT -5
I still in my core wonder how much of the cause of our sexless marriage is because of her being pulled in so many different directions as a mom, how much of it is an outright lack of desire for sex (whether she's tired, stressed, etc.), how much of it is a lack of desire of sex with me and how much of it is other emotional issues on her end that she is dealing with. I do so get tired of the various excuses, reasons and rejections though. I try not to let it make me angry, but it does get frustrating as well. I would think if it was important to her to have a loving, physical relationship with me, she would make as much effort toward that as she does with other things in her life.
That being said, I'm a patient guy and am not going to focus heavily on "why chasing". I'll do the work on my end to be there for my kids and my wife and connect as emotionally as possible. I've always been there physically when she's wanted sex and focused on making it enjoyable for her first. If the situation doesn't resolve and in the end we go our separate ways, I know that I've done all I can do on my end and stuck with it a lot longer than a lot of people would have, for the sake of my kids if nothing else. While it will be a very sad day if it comes to that, having an enjoyable, adventurous and rewarding sex life again with a beautiful woman who is out there somewhere right now will be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Aug 17, 2017 15:02:56 GMT -5
I still in my core wonder how much of the cause of our sexless marriage is because of her being pulled in so many different directions as a mom, how much of it is an outright lack of desire for sex (whether she's tired, stressed, etc.), how much of it is a lack of desire of sex with me and how much of it is other emotional issues on her end that she is dealing with. The lack of desire for you is the result. Sex is pretty easy to have if a willing partner is there. The rest of those things are conjecture as to what leads to that result. You are in the same marriage as her, I would assume. Are you "pulled in different directions" as a Dad? Do you get tired? Do you get stressed? How's your stress level right now about the important things in your life, like, say, your marriage? Do you have emotional issues or are you free of those? How do all those things affect your desire for sex with your partner? |
|
|
|
Post by flyingsolo on Aug 17, 2017 15:52:46 GMT -5
Frankly, a lot of those don't. As she would say "You're a guy. You are always in the mood". Pretty much true.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 17, 2017 15:56:14 GMT -5
Many women erroneously think they need to be in the mood to enjoy sex. Truth is that many women get in the mood by engaging in sex. Has happened a lot with me. Also, men can easily look down and tell they are aroused. Women can't and thus can be out of touch with their own urges.
|
|
|
|
Post by celibatejoe on Aug 17, 2017 16:23:41 GMT -5
This is a total copout. IF she loved you and wanted to preserve the marriage, she would be fucking you. That is a false dichotomy. You can have sex without love, and love without sex. There's a word describing non-consensual sex. What is it, again? I can't remember... |
|
|
|
Post by celibatejoe on Aug 17, 2017 16:31:46 GMT -5
Frankly, a lot of those don't. As she would say "You're a guy. You are always in the mood". Pretty much true. That is not true for all men. It may be true for you. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 17:02:06 GMT -5
This is a total copout. IF she loved you and wanted to preserve the marriage, she would be fucking you. That is a false dichotomy. You can have sex without love, and love without sex. There's a word describing non-consensual sex. What is it, again? I can't remember... I have looked at several of your posts. It seems you really enjoy contradicting people and degrading the opinions of others. Since you have not noticed, these are hurting people and the last thing they need is you coming here and abusing them further. And no, this is NOT a false dichotomy. If you are married to someone, and you are not fulfilling him/her sexually, you cannot love that person as a spouse should love another spouse. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 17, 2017 17:08:40 GMT -5
"There's a word describing non-consensual sex. What is it, again? I can't remember..."
Not one person has suggested rape. What would you call a person whose spouse frequently had an aching back, but their spouse always refused to massage it because they, "weren't in the mood?"
What would you call a spouse who always refused to go to work, cook or clean because they didn't feel like it?
If a person never wanted to have intercourse again, they still could use hands, mouth or even (breasts if women) to give their partner sexual pleasure. And if they loved their partner, they would be happy to make their partner happy. It's similar to parents enjoying taking their kids to the playground.
If you are able to cut off all sex even though that makes your partner miserable, what that is is selfish, unloving behavior. If you took traditional marriage vows, that's also breaking, "to have an to hold."
|
|
|
|
Post by celibatejoe on Aug 17, 2017 17:16:08 GMT -5
That is a false dichotomy. You can have sex without love, and love without sex. There's a word describing non-consensual sex. What is it, again? I can't remember... I have looked at several of your posts. It seems you really enjoy contradicting people and degrading the opinions of others. Since you have not noticed, these are hurting people and the last thing they need is you coming here and abusing them further. And no, this is NOT a false dichotomy. If you are married to someone, and you are not fulfilling him/her sexually, you cannot love that person as a spouse should love another spouse. I'm simply presenting dissent from the conventional wisdom. Desire is not a choice. A spouse that demands to be desired by another spouse is being irrational and decidedly unreasonable. Once desire is gone, it's gone. Poof. It's that simple. Love is a choice. Desire is not. |
|
|
|
Post by flyingsolo on Aug 17, 2017 17:20:47 GMT -5
Many women erroneously think they need to be in the mood to enjoy sex. Truth is that many women get in the mood by engaging in sex. Has happened a lot with me. Also, men can easily look down and tell they are aroused. Women can't and thus can be out of touch with their own urges. Very true. I can remember several times where my wife has said "I am really not in mood, but if you can put me in the mood......" Within a few minutes of my magic hands or other things in my bag of tricks, she's good to go. Not once in those moments have I ever failed to put her in the mood. Sadly, she hasn't given me the opportunity in months. |
|
|
|
Post by celibatejoe on Aug 17, 2017 17:21:03 GMT -5
"There's a word describing non-consensual sex. What is it, again? I can't remember..." Not one person has suggested rape. What would you call a person whose spouse frequently had an aching back, but their spouse always refused to massage it because they, "weren't in the mood?" What would you call a spouse who always refused to go to work, cook or clean because they didn't feel like it? If a person never wanted to have intercourse again, they still could use hands, mouth or even (breasts if women) to give their partner sexual pleasure. And if they loved their partner, they would be happy to make their partner happy. It's similar to parents enjoying taking their kids to the playground. If you are able to cut off all sex even though that makes your partner miserable, what that is is selfish, unloving behavior. If you took traditional marriage vows, that's also breaking, "to have an to hold." I have never refused that. That's not what she wants, and I would wager that is not what most wives want. To me, you're the exception to the rule. I can see why you're angry. You wanted sex regardless of desire, which is entirely reasonable. I apologize for implying anything else. In my particular case, my wife doesn't want sex from me, simply because the bloom is off the rose. She wants desire, then sex, and desire is not mine to give. It's gone. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 17, 2017 17:40:30 GMT -5
"In my particular case, my wife doesn't want sex from me, simply because the bloom is off the rose. She wants desire, then sex, and desire is not mine to give. It's gone."
I get it. It's so hard for the refused to understand they can't beg, explain or love someone into enjoying sex with them and sexually desiring them. At best they will get dead fish or poke her and roll over sex.
|
|
