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Post by bran127 on Jul 13, 2017 20:32:07 GMT -5
Now that I have started to deal with the truth about my SM and what I have let it become, I find myself being more defiant in other areas of my life and relationship. Things I used to let slide, I now find myself saying I am going to state my case in this shit. When my roommate has an issue with something I stand my ground. He isn't doesn't like it, but I am always very calm about it and just state the facts. I think things are beginning to change inside me. I find that I am handling a lot of aspects in my life differently. It's like my soul and spirit are back. This has deeply affected me in a myriad of ways. Has anyone experienced the same? I am starting to feel like myself again.
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Post by baza on Jul 13, 2017 21:15:24 GMT -5
I believe that at its' core, this group is really all about finding the *authentic you*.
I further believe that if you unearth the *authentic you*, then *authentic you* will sort out most of your problems.
So if you are "feeling more like yourself", then that is really good news.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jul 13, 2017 22:11:27 GMT -5
Yes bran I also had the experience. Finding my voice about this area helped affect changes in a lot of areas. LOTS - work, life goals, lots.
Cool that you're able to start coming out of the shell that being in an SM builds around us. Keep at it!
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2017 22:22:17 GMT -5
Some call it coming out of the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt). (Beachguy raises his hand)
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 13, 2017 22:56:31 GMT -5
Yes. I sometimes wonder if I'm being a prick vs. standing up for myself justly. I find myself less willing to avoid or capitulate, and more likely to engage and speak my mind.
Case in point, a service company that wanted to charge for a service call, then an hour minimum labor for a 20-minute warranty repair that didn't need any diagnosing. I could have sucked it up because it was still the cheapest option. I could have called someone else on principal and paid more for non-warranty repair. Instead I politely but firmly expressed my displeasure with their "lifetime warranty" service fees (before they dispatched), and didn't give up just because they couldn't grasp why.
Or the auto shop that returned my truck with a "new" steering rod that failed literally as soon as I pulled out of their driveway.
I usually prevail in these scenarios of calling BS on bad business practices. I strive to be right and not just bullying - I'm unhappy, and I'm not afraid to tell them. But it seems like so few people do this (because they're getting away with it), I sometimes wonder if I'm being a dick by speaking my mind.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 13, 2017 23:43:18 GMT -5
Now that I have started to deal with the truth about my SM and what I have let it become, I find myself being more defiant in other areas of my life and relationship. Things I used to let slide, I now find myself saying I am going to state my case in this shit. When my roommate has an issue with something I stand my ground. He isn't doesn't like it, but I am always very calm about it and just state the facts. I think things are beginning to change inside me. I find that I am handling a lot of aspects in my life differently. It's like my soul and spirit are back. This has deeply affected me in a myriad of ways. Has anyone experienced the same? I am starting to feel like myself again. All that, plus one talk where I petitioned for an open marriage, and one exposed attempted affair which resulted in a reiteration of that petition. Both talks resulted in reset sex. Technically, the second reset sex episode was "hysterical bonding sex", and was probably the best romp we've ever had. I speculate that it is a one time performance. I specifically told her we need to have sex every day to make amends for the last twenty three years of damage that she has caused. She won't fight me on assigning blame, she knows better. I don't think the change will last long, though. If sex dries up, next time I may parade around shirtless to show the battle wounds of a successful extramarital romp. I may be the most unsuccessful philanderer on earth, but, I feel alive. Pissed, sad, frustrated, and putting my hope and energy into different things, but, alive. |
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Jul 14, 2017 0:37:08 GMT -5
(Unfortunately?) I have done the opposite. I have detached so much that I let everything slide. I just don't engage. It sucks, but at least the fighting has all but stopped.
Kudos to you for standing up for yourself.
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Post by h on Jul 14, 2017 5:24:34 GMT -5
(Unfortunately?) I have done the opposite. I have detached so much that I let everything slide. I just don't engage. It sucks, but at least the fighting has all but stopped. Kudos to you for standing up for yourself. That's what I always used to do. I let everything slide so I could avoid the arguments. I buried my emotions with hobbies and drowned them in liquor when the hobbies didn't work. Since I have joined this forum, I have gotten much better at speaking up for myself and voicing my unhappiness. Yes, we have had more fights but I feel better now that am getting my view heard. |
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 14, 2017 5:49:44 GMT -5
We really have some incredible senior members that have a gift for words. I may have the same thoughts, or reached the same conclusions, but my thoughts have not quite conjealed to the point where I can articulate them. This forum has indeed been a big help in communicating with my spouse, as well as others that, otherwise, would just not understand.
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Post by bran127 on Jul 14, 2017 9:38:32 GMT -5
I strive to be right and not just bullying - I'm unhappy, and I'm not afraid to tell them. But it seems like so few people do this (because they're getting away with it), I sometimes wonder if I'm being a dick by speaking my mind. I don't see it as bullying or being a dick at all. I just think, and I can only speak for myself, that I realized how much my SM has affected other parts of my life. Now that I am realizing that I have participated in this crap, I am now taking control in other areas of my life as well. I am not picking a fight my any means (I am a lover not a fighter), but I am standing up for myself and not letting myself be a doormat. I chose to be a doormat for so long, and now I am choosing not to let it happen. |
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Post by iceman on Jul 14, 2017 10:05:12 GMT -5
Now that I have started to deal with the truth about my SM and what I have let it become, I find myself being more defiant in other areas of my life and relationship. Things I used to let slide, I now find myself saying I am going to state my case in this shit. When my roommate has an issue with something I stand my ground. He isn't doesn't like it, but I am always very calm about it and just state the facts. I think things are beginning to change inside me. I find that I am handling a lot of aspects in my life differently. It's like my soul and spirit are back. This has deeply affected me in a myriad of ways. Has anyone experienced the same? I am starting to feel like myself again. I absolutely have gained a sense of defiance. However, my defiance often takes the form of me withdrawing from my W. I used to try to discuss, beg, plead with her in hope that she would change. I would try to be accommodating to her wants and needs while ignoring mine in hope that things would improve. Now I see that she won't change so I no longer bother and it extends to other parts of our marriage. In my mind one of the defining characteristic of marriage is sexual intimacy and if there's no sexual intimacy then we are married in name only and I have no obligation to act as though we are married. Communication between us is crap. If I don't feel like doing something she wants me to do or do it a particular way she wants I don't. I feel no obligation to be accommodating. When she spews her never ending stream of critical feedback on most everything I do I ignore her and carry on. I don't engage. My defiance is that I'm living a largely separate life from her and we only come together when it comes to our children. |
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Post by bran127 on Jul 14, 2017 10:23:04 GMT -5
I can so relate to this! I am no longer accommodating nor do I feel obligated anymore! Sure, I have moments of weakness, but they are few and far between now. If I don't feel like doing something she wants me to do or do it a particular way she wants I don't. I feel no obligation to be accommodating. When she spews her never ending stream of critical feedback on most everything I do I ignore her and carry on. I don't engage. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 14, 2017 10:29:37 GMT -5
Im on the same page. No longer accommodating.
If she gets upset, I have no fucks left to give.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 14, 2017 10:30:00 GMT -5
We really have some incredible senior members that have a gift for words. I may have the same thoughts, or reached the same conclusions, but my thoughts have not quite conjealed to the point where I can articulate them. This forum has indeed been a big help in communicating with my spouse, as well as others that, otherwise, would just not understand. We have a number of cunning linguists on the forum. Since the forum is multi-national, they are an international treasure. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 14, 2017 11:01:22 GMT -5
We really have some incredible senior members that have a gift for words. I may have the same thoughts, or reached the same conclusions, but my thoughts have not quite conjealed to the point where I can articulate them. This forum has indeed been a big help in communicating with my spouse, as well as others that, otherwise, would just not understand. Gift for words? I get it , boy do I get it. I greatly appreciate when someone can take my mis-spelled poorly articulated problem, idea, concern, or example, and put it into a few well chosen words. I respect that ...to a point. Many times we both said the same things, in our own way. Do not, I repeat DO NOT think that your contribution is not valid or not valuable. God chooses to use "common folk" in glorious ways. Communication is always so much easier when there is trust involved. Most all of us have had that "trust" dissolved in our communication of a marriage. Even better is what you can do for yourself off of this forum. ACTIONS! Actions that defiantly communicate back to your spouse. Even doing or saying nothing, IS doing or saying something! |
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