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Post by Venus Erotes on Jul 16, 2017 12:32:19 GMT -5
What's next for you? Facing the reality, and the healing process, I guess? Day to day... Talking to the kids about my relationship with their dad. My son is to the point where I can discuss it. I asked him what he thinks sex is for and he told me "I think it's a way of bonding with someone." I was so freaking proud in that moment! My daughter isn't there yet maturity wise. I told hubs about 18 months ago that when the kids are gone, I'll probably move on too. He'll always be my family, but as a married couple we are nothing. Right now it's day to day and seeing the bf when I can. There's nothing better than falling asleep in his arms. That's what I truly need day to day, but it's not happening right now. How about you greatcoastal? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 16, 2017 13:04:15 GMT -5
Day to day... Talking to the kids about my relationship with their dad. My son is to the point where I can discuss it. I asked him what he thinks sex is for and he told me "I think it's a way of bonding with someone." I was so freaking proud in that moment! My daughter isn't there yet maturity wise. I told hubs about 18 months ago that when the kids are gone, I'll probably move on too. He'll always be my family, but as a married couple we are nothing. Right now it's day to day and seeing the bf when I can. There's nothing better than falling asleep in his arms. That's what I truly need day to day, but it's not happening right now. How about you greatcoastal ? Why thank you for asking! More limbo. My trial date for divorce is three days from now. It will hopefully get postponed so I can keep the judge I have. The judge is having minor surgery. I may not find out until the last minute. I'd hate to iron my dress shirt and suit for nothing! I am doing my best to not be overly concerned about it. it is what it is, what happens happens, at this point. I am pleased with the progress I have made. It will be a year this August when I said, "I am ending our relationship, I've hired an attorney". (my defiance has paid off!) Then comes the healing process. A new start, and a new beginning for me and my family. A lot of changes. Schooling, Job searching, moving, house hunting, just to name a few. I am not sure how ready I am for a relationship. 90% of me needs a friend right now. I go out to eat with several ladies after my divorce recovery class. Some of them are young enough to be my daughter. Others haven't even started a divorce yet. But I learn, like a practice date, about communicating. I sure get told what a giver I am, what a kind ,caring, gentleman I am, how smart I am. That's great!! I talk divorce, probably too much, I guess I will for a while, I still need that. Yet hope to get over that as well. Than there's that 10% of me that needs to know if someone who I desire can desire me as well. (not anyone particular just the wait for my actions and words to make something happen, and hope I am ready for it) |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jul 16, 2017 13:58:26 GMT -5
Why thank you for asking! More limbo. My trial date for divorce is three days from now. It will hopefully get postponed so I can keep the judge I have. The judge is having minor surgery. I may not find out until the last minute. I'd hate to iron my dress shirt and suit for nothing! I am doing my best to not be overly concerned about it. it is what it is, what happens happens, at this point. I am pleased with the progress I have made. It will be a year this August when I said, "I am ending our relationship, I've hired an attorney". (my defiance has paid off!) Then comes the healing process. A new start, and a new beginning for me and my family. A lot of changes. Schooling, Job searching, moving, house hunting, just to name a few. I am not sure how ready I am for a relationship. 90% needs a friend right now. I go out to eat with several ladies after my divorce recovery class. Some of them are young eneough to be my daughter. Others haven't even started a divorce yet. But I learn, like a practice date, about communicating. I sure get told what a giver I am, what a kind ,caring, gentleman I am, how smart I am. That's great!! I talk divorce, too much, I guess I will for a while, I still need that. Than there's that 10% of me that needs to know if someone who I desire can desire me as well. (not anyone particular just the wait for my actions and words to make something happen, and hope I am ready for it) Sounds like the divorce class is helping. So happy to hear that! Yes, I am not an expert at starting over, not at all. I am however starting my own coaching business and guess what my specialty is? Relationships in sexless marriage! It's funny tho - most don't realize that it isn't sex that's the root of the problem. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2017 16:29:29 GMT -5
bran127, I am so impressed! I finally came to the conclusion that I did not have to accept my refuser's abuse a few months before I moved out. I started realizing that I did not take any crap from anyone in my life except my refuser. Not from judges, not from other lawyers, not from defendants who have actually murdered people, no one. So I had to ask myself why I let my refuser abuse me. There was no acceptable reason. Whne she told me that I should be happy and fulfilled in a marriage where we never had sex again, I knew that it was over.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 17, 2017 7:39:06 GMT -5
Yes. I sometimes wonder if I'm being a prick vs. standing up for myself justly. I find myself less willing to avoid or capitulate, and more likely to engage and speak my mind. Case in point, a service company that wanted to charge for a service call, then an hour minimum labor for a 20-minute warranty repair that didn't need any diagnosing. I could have sucked it up because it was still the cheapest option. I could have called someone else on principal and paid more for non-warranty repair. Instead I politely but firmly expressed my displeasure with their "lifetime warranty" service fees (before they dispatched), and didn't give up just because they couldn't grasp why. Or the auto shop that returned my truck with a "new" steering rod that failed literally as soon as I pulled out of their driveway. I usually prevail in these scenarios of calling BS on bad business practices. I strive to be right and not just bullying - I'm unhappy, and I'm not afraid to tell them. But it seems like so few people do this (because they're getting away with it), I sometimes wonder if I'm being a dick by speaking my mind. I used to worry about being a dickhead, but as I got older it became more like:
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2017 13:33:05 GMT -5
Whne she told me that I should be happy and fulfilled in a marriage where we never had sex again, I knew that it was over. No one in recorded history has ever said that and not shortly thereafter been served divorce papers. This is like marital suicide by cop. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2017 14:29:44 GMT -5
Whne she told me that I should be happy and fulfilled in a marriage where we never had sex again, I knew that it was over. No one in recorded history has ever said that and not shortly thereafter been served divorce papers. This is like marital suicide by cop. Thanks beachguy. Frankly, it didn't hit me at the time how monumental that statement was. Now, I know I stayed long after the joke of a marriage was dead. Unless a person really wants a spouse to divorce him/her, no one should ever say this. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2017 14:41:46 GMT -5
No one in recorded history has ever said that and not shortly thereafter been served divorce papers. This is like marital suicide by cop. Thanks beachguy. Frankly, it didn't hit me at the time how monumental that statement was. Now, I know I stayed long after the joke of a marriage was dead. Unless a person really wants a spouse to divorce him/her, no one should ever say this. What she was trying to say: "I don't want you but no one else can have you either. I'm unilaterally changing our marriage contract from (sexual) monogamy to enforced celibacy" She was dead wrong. It may have taken awhile, but in the end she was dead wrong. So many of us were in that FOG that what I suggested is not quite right. The divorce papers come eventually, but in our cases at least, not shortly thereafter. Our bad. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2017 14:55:39 GMT -5
What she was trying to say: "I don't want you but no one else can have you either. I'm unilaterally changing our marriage contract from (sexual) monogamy to enforced celibacy" She was dead wrong. It may have taken awhile, but in the end she was dead wrong. So many of us were in that FOG that what I suggested is not quite right. The divorce papers come eventually, but in our cases at least, not shortly thereafter. Our bad. You are exactly right. The main reason I stayed was that I did not want to be a part time dad for my daughters. Unfortunately, the vast majority of my sexual years were wasted on her. I still have some left, and my girlfriend is very satisified, but the best ones are gone & it is all downhill from here. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2017 15:25:29 GMT -5
What she was trying to say: "I don't want you but no one else can have you either. I'm unilaterally changing our marriage contract from (sexual) monogamy to enforced celibacy" She was dead wrong. It may have taken awhile, but in the end she was dead wrong. So many of us were in that FOG that what I suggested is not quite right. The divorce papers come eventually, but in our cases at least, not shortly thereafter. Our bad. You are exactly right. The main reason I stayed was that I did not want to be a part time dad for my daughters. Unfortunately, the vast majority of my sexual years were wasted on her. I still have some left, and my girlfriend is very satisified, but the best ones are gone & it is all downhill from here. In retrospect, would you stay again? I wouldn't. It was too high a price to pay for me. And I'm not sure I did the kids any favors teaching them that a sexless affection-less marriage is the model for their marriage. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2017 15:58:21 GMT -5
You are exactly right. The main reason I stayed was that I did not want to be a part time dad for my daughters. Unfortunately, the vast majority of my sexual years were wasted on her. I still have some left, and my girlfriend is very satisified, but the best ones are gone & it is all downhill from here. In retrospect, would you stay again? I wouldn't. It was too high a price to pay for me. And I'm not sure I did the kids any favors teaching them that a sexless affection-less marriage is the model for their marriage. If I could go back to age 23, I would tell myself to get the hell away from her and never look back. And I understand about modeling a bad marriage. I probably did do that. But I could not have stood only seeing them every Thursday, then every other weekend, and 30 days in the summer. Even though they saw an absolutely miserable marriage, they still got to see a father who loved them with every fiber of his being. It is just a personal judgment call and I came down on the side of staying. There would have been advantages of leaving earlier, but there is no reason to consider them now. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2017 16:40:57 GMT -5
In retrospect, would you stay again? I wouldn't. It was too high a price to pay for me. And I'm not sure I did the kids any favors teaching them that a sexless affection-less marriage is the model for their marriage. If I could go back to age 23, I would tell myself to get the hell away from her and never look back. And I understand about modeling a bad marriage. I probably did do that. But I could not have stood only seeing them every Thursday, then every other weekend, and 30 days in the summer. Even though they saw an absolutely miserable marriage, they still got to see a father who loved them with every fiber of his being. It is just a personal judgment call and I came down on the side of staying. There would have been advantages of leaving earlier, but there is no reason to consider them now. And I respect your tough decision. |
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Post by merrygoround on Jul 23, 2017 0:03:56 GMT -5
Now that I have started to deal with the truth about my SM and what I have let it become, I find myself being more defiant in other areas of my life and relationship. Things I used to let slide, I now find myself saying I am going to state my case in this shit. When my roommate has an issue with something I stand my ground. He isn't doesn't like it, but I am always very calm about it and just state the facts. I think things are beginning to change inside me. I find that I am handling a lot of aspects in my life differently. It's like my soul and spirit are back. This has deeply affected me in a myriad of ways. Has anyone experienced the same? I am starting to feel like myself again. Hi bran127 - yes, absolutely. I reached the point where I had to be true to myself or go under. If I disagreed, or had an opposite view I would state it calmly and with respect. He didn't like it. Not one bit. Anything that wasn't to his way of thinking, then I was accused of being cold or distant. I wasn't, I just wasn't bending to his way anymore. I've been sober over four years. I had to be truthful and authentic. It's the only way I can be to remain sane and healthy. I am still always kind and respectful, but I'm also able to say no. Feel yourself grow, that little seed of courage as you become the real you - take heart. x |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 23, 2017 2:35:26 GMT -5
Now that I have started to deal with the truth about my SM and what I have let it become, I find myself being more defiant in other areas of my life and relationship. Things I used to let slide, I now find myself saying I am going to state my case in this shit. When my roommate has an issue with something I stand my ground. He isn't doesn't like it, but I am always very calm about it and just state the facts. I think things are beginning to change inside me. I find that I am handling a lot of aspects in my life differently. It's like my soul and spirit are back. This has deeply affected me in a myriad of ways. Has anyone experienced the same? I am starting to feel like myself again. Hi bran127 - yes, absolutely. I reached the point where I had to be true to myself or go under. If I disagreed, or had an opposite view I would state it calmly and with respect. He didn't like it. Not one bit. Anything that wasn't to his way of thinking, then I was accused of being cold or distant. I wasn't, I just wasn't bending to his way anymore. I've been sober over four years. I had to be truthful and authentic. It's the only way I can be to remain sane and healthy. I am still always kind and respectful, but I'm also able to say no. Feel yourself grow, that little seed of courage as you become the real you - take heart. x Ladies, you are sooo right. Honouring yourself is literally the ONLY way you can start having the life you deserve. We worry about appearing selfish. But there is a line. Ill helo anyone with anything as long as long as I can. And as long as it doesn't go against my "grain". When we do things against our grain to keep others happy we're creating a bullshit world where everyone one else has their needs met and we have none of ours met and an ever growing ball of resentment in our bellies. Once you make the small change to honour yourself... and it's scary AF at first, life starts coming together. And lots of people won't like it. They are used to you behaving one way then all of a sudden you change. But the change must happen. And the the ones who don't like it can buggar off. Your life will be better for it. And people who DO respect you and your decisions will start to appear in your life. Xxx |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 23, 2017 6:01:07 GMT -5
Hi bran127 - yes, absolutely. I reached the point where I had to be true to myself or go under. If I disagreed, or had an opposite view I would state it calmly and with respect. He didn't like it. Not one bit. Anything that wasn't to his way of thinking, then I was accused of being cold or distant. I wasn't, I just wasn't bending to his way anymore. I've been sober over four years. I had to be truthful and authentic. It's the only way I can be to remain sane and healthy. I am still always kind and respectful, but I'm also able to say no. Feel yourself grow, that little seed of courage as you become the real you - take heart. x Ladies, you are sooo right. Honouring yourself is literally the ONLY way you can start having the life you deserve. We worry about appearing selfish. But there is a line. Ill helo anyone with anything as long as long as I can. And as long as it doesn't go against my "grain". When we do things against our grain to keep others happy we're creating a bullshit world where everyone one else has their needs met and we have none of ours met and an ever growing ball of resentment in our bellies. Once you make the small change to honour yourself... and it's scary AF at first, life starts coming together. And lots of people won't like it. They are used to you behaving one way then all of a sudden you change. But the change must happen. And the the ones who don't like it can buggar off. Your life will be better for it. And people who DO respect you and your decisions will start to appear in your life. Xxx I don't think not wanting to appear selfish is in the exclusive domain of the fairer sex. I spent YEARS staying put in large part because I didn't want to appear to be the "bad guy" for leaving to fulfill my needs. Whether those needs were for the ability to pursue my own happiness or a simple poke in the whiskers. |
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