|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 14, 2017 11:18:20 GMT -5
Yes. I sometimes wonder if I'm being a prick vs. standing up for myself justly. I find myself less willing to avoid or capitulate, and more likely to engage and speak my mind. Case in point, a service company that wanted to charge for a service call, then an hour minimum labor for a 20-minute warranty repair that didn't need any diagnosing. I could have sucked it up because it was still the cheapest option. I could have called someone else on principal and paid more for non-warranty repair. Instead I politely but firmly expressed my displeasure with their "lifetime warranty" service fees (before they dispatched), and didn't give up just because they couldn't grasp why. Or the auto shop that returned my truck with a "new" steering rod that failed literally as soon as I pulled out of their driveway. I usually prevail in these scenarios of calling BS on bad business practices. I strive to be right and not just bullying - I'm unhappy, and I'm not afraid to tell them. But it seems like so few people do this (because they're getting away with it), I sometimes wonder if I'm being a dick by speaking my mind. This ^^^ is something that needs to be brought up more often. You wouldn't put up with such disrespectful service at a store, or a resteraunt? You wouldn't put up with such disrespect from a neighbor, or a child? So why tolerate it in your marriage? What kind of example are you setting for your kids? Are you teaching them what a marriage should be like? Last night my daughter and I went to a restaurant. We were seated across from a table of 6 elderly adults. They were so freakin" loud I had to yell to the waitress, standing right beside me, "WOULD YOU PLEASE MOVE US TO ANOTHER TABLE WHERE THE PEOPLE WILL NOT BE SO LOUD??!!!" She apologized, and moved us right away. I also told her "my daughters chair was all wet". She apologized again. The six elderly obnoxious, intoxicated, self absorbed, elderly crowd at the table where saying, " I guess we shouldn't be laughing". The other people around us where all shaking there heads in agreement, that those people where way to loud. So why didn't anyone do something about it? (I enjoy a good laugh as much as anybody! But I could see all the drinks on the table, and the conversations where just as loud as the laughter.) Did I give in, or cave by moving to another table? No.. That crowd left very quickly after I made it clear their behavior was not to be tolerated. I also taught my daughter about speaking up for yourself. |
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jul 14, 2017 11:37:34 GMT -5
I believe that at its' core, this group is really all about finding the *authentic you*. I further believe that if you unearth the *authentic you*, then *authentic you* will sort out most of your problems. So if you are "feeling more like yourself", then that is really good news. ^^^^ AMEN!!! ^^^^ |
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 14, 2017 16:08:33 GMT -5
 Im on the same page. No longer accommodating. If she gets upset, I have no fucks left to give. |
|
|
|
Post by orangepeel on Jul 15, 2017 2:53:12 GMT -5
I read somewhere that sex is an invisible glue that binds couples together. No sex therefore equals a loosening of bonds. And this manifests itself on a day-to-day level as us giving less of a fuck.
|
|
|
|
Post by orangepeel on Jul 15, 2017 11:31:50 GMT -5
Mind you, on the down-side, if marriage is a car, then sex is the suspension that smoothes the inevitable jolts and bumps. No sex equals no suspension, which means we poor bastards feel the potholes more.
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jul 15, 2017 12:00:32 GMT -5
I read somewhere that sex is an invisible glue that binds couples together. No sex therefore equals a loosening of bonds. And this manifests itself on a day-to-day level as us giving less of a fuck. Whenever we would get into a sex argument, she would bring up something I did last week as an excuse not to have sex. This was after 1-32 years of rejection. And me increasingly not giving a fuck, as you say. Our sex problems started literally the day after the marriage. Eventually I got smart and forced the conversation back to our sexless honeymoon. And wouldn't budge, refused to discuss anything after that. I said to her: "I was good enough to marry the day before the wedding, but I wasn't good enough to fuck the day after. Tell me what I did to become such a dickhead in 24 hours". It was an interesting experience, taking away all the weapons that worked so well previously (and increasingly well as the not give a fuck years increased). And it was difficult to keep a straight face with all the BS that spewed out of her mouth. It did not solve anything; that final convo happened when I was on the way out the door. But for those still trying, some variation of this might be helpful, at least in terms of debating points. Probably won't get you laid, though. This was just to say that what you said quoted above is totally on point. I call it the SM death spiral, when the plane goes into a stall, rolls over, starts plummeting to the ground, and the end result is inevitable and unavoidable. Unless you hit the eject button and use your parachute. It is the Ultimate Negative Feedback Cycle. |
|
|
|
Post by orangepeel on Jul 15, 2017 13:09:53 GMT -5
She's not talking to me today, as it happens. (To be fair, though, this is the first time I've been subjected to the silent treatment for about six weeks - meaning the month-and-a-half period that's as good as it gets is over.) I used to give a fuck and, as I'm an inveterate showman and people pleaser, I used to try to win her over. This gave her more power and encouraged her to think she was in the right. But, by the simple expedient of not giving a fuck (what fuck is there to give about someone who won't fuck you), I don't give a fuck, and watch her power drip away, even though she doesn't notice it doing so.
It's interesting how the refusers behave as if they're sitting on a full house even though they've only got a nine high, or whatever. All people lie to themselves at one level or another. These lot just do it on a borderline pathological scale.
|
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Jul 15, 2017 16:32:13 GMT -5
Now that I have started to deal with the truth about my SM and what I have let it become, I find myself being more defiant in other areas of my life and relationship. Things I used to let slide, I now find myself saying I am going to state my case in this shit. When my roommate has an issue with something I stand my ground. He isn't doesn't like it, but I am always very calm about it and just state the facts. I think things are beginning to change inside me. I find that I am handling a lot of aspects in my life differently. It's like my soul and spirit are back. This has deeply affected me in a myriad of ways. Has anyone experienced the same? I am starting to feel like myself again. YES YES YES!!!!! bran127 you are on a path to truly finding who you are! As baza said - Authentic YOU! I'm so freaking proud of you! Keep going and you will reignite the flame inside you, and love who you are. WAY TO GO! |
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Jul 15, 2017 16:33:05 GMT -5
Im on the same page. No longer accommodating. If she gets upset, I have no fucks left to give. Good for you TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo. Be true to who you are. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 15, 2017 17:31:11 GMT -5
Now that I have started to deal with the truth about my SM and what I have let it become, I find myself being more defiant in other areas of my life and relationship. Things I used to let slide, I now find myself saying I am going to state my case in this shit. When my roommate has an issue with something I stand my ground. He isn't doesn't like it, but I am always very calm about it and just state the facts. I think things are beginning to change inside me. I find that I am handling a lot of aspects in my life differently. It's like my soul and spirit are back. This has deeply affected me in a myriad of ways. Has anyone experienced the same? I am starting to feel like myself again. YES YES YES!!!!! bran127 you are on a path to truly finding who you are! As baza said - Authentic YOU! I'm so freaking proud of you! Keep going and you will reignite the flame inside you, and love who you are. WAY TO GO! I am very proud and glad for you too! Allow me to offer some advice from my own screw ups. I too started speaking up for myself, talking back, and questioning my spouse. What did get me? An onslaught of more manipulative answers. Always spoken calmly and as facts. It takes a while to realize these where not facts at all. (just more manipulation) just a few samples: That's not my problem. (it was very much her problem, it involved the whole family) That's not my concern. (Again , it was her concern, it involved the whole family) You've said so much, I can't answer it all. (then I will repeat it and answer them for you) I don't know what to tell you. ( It was a yes or no question, I will answer it for you) Oh well, it doesn't really matter. (it matters to me, and the whole family, so you will listen) I don't remember that. ( let me refresh your memory) Whatever. ( that's fine, then I'll be in charge of it and you will do what I tell you to) Just get ready for DARVO. I used these exact quotes right back on her. Needless to say, she did not like it!! What did get better was the quantity of word manipulation. They became less and less. Towards me anyways, for calling out her lies. Now comes watching her actions, (moving of money) and her manipulation with the rest of the family. |
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Jul 15, 2017 17:40:01 GMT -5
I am very proud and glad for you too! Alow me to offer some advice from my own screw ups. I too started speaking up for myself, talking back, and questioning my spouse. What did get me? An onslaught of more manipulative answers. Always spoken calmly and as facts. It takes a while to realize these where not facts at all. (just more manipulation) just a few samples: That's not my problem. (it was very much her problem, it involved the whole family) That's not my concern. (Again , it was her concern, it involved the whole family) You've said so much, I can't answer it all. (then I will repeat it and answer them for you) Oh well, it doesn't really matter. (it matters to me, and the whole family, so you will listen) I don't remember that. ( let me refresh your memory) Whatever. ( that's fine, then I'll be in charge of it and you will do what I tell you to) Just get ready for DARVO. What did get better was the quantity of word manipulation. They became less and less. Towards me anyways, for calling out her lies. Now comes watching her actions, (moving of money) and her manipulation with the rest of the family. It's crazy isn't it greatcoastal? As we grow and start to understand who we truly are, those around us who aren't in the same space get scared and dig themselves deeper into relying on the survival skills they learned while avoiding their own damage. Good LUCK. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 15, 2017 17:57:34 GMT -5
I am very proud and glad for you too! Alow me to offer some advice from my own screw ups. I too started speaking up for myself, talking back, and questioning my spouse. What did get me? An onslaught of more manipulative answers. Always spoken calmly and as facts. It takes a while to realize these where not facts at all. (just more manipulation) just a few samples: That's not my problem. (it was very much her problem, it involved the whole family) That's not my concern. (Again , it was her concern, it involved the whole family) You've said so much, I can't answer it all. (then I will repeat it and answer them for you) Oh well, it doesn't really matter. (it matters to me, and the whole family, so you will listen) I don't remember that. ( let me refresh your memory) Whatever. ( that's fine, then I'll be in charge of it and you will do what I tell you to) Just get ready for DARVO. What did get better was the quantity of word manipulation. They became less and less. Towards me anyways, for calling out her lies. Now comes watching her actions, (moving of money) and her manipulation with the rest of the family. It's crazy isn't it greatcoastal ? As we grow and start to understand who we truly are, those around us who aren't in the same space get scared and dig themselves deeper into relying on the survival skills they learned while avoiding their own damage. Good LUCK. Thank you dear!! It is crazy. That's why I am saying goodbye to crazy! Crazy is typically driven by five fundamental fears, which are: The fear of abandonment. The fear of loss of control. The fear of feeling or appearing inferior or inadequate. The fear of loss of resources. The fear of exposure. Your objective is to identify and understand which of these fears motivates your crazy and to learn how and when to leverage them effectively. Quoted from the book" Say Goodbye to Crazy" by Dr. Tara Palmatier. Chapter 23 pg. 169. |
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Jul 15, 2017 18:18:12 GMT -5
Thank you dear!! It is crazy. That's why I am saying goodbye to crazy! Crazy is typically driven by five fundamental fears, which are: The fear of abandonment. The fear of loss of control. The fear of feeling or appearing inferior or inadequate. The fear of loss of resources. The fear of exposure. Your objective is to identify and understand which of these fears motivates your crazy and to learn how and when to leverage them effectively. Quoted from the book" Say Goodbye to Crazy" by Dr. Tara Palmatier. Chapter 23 pg. 169. WOW. Very telling and empowering. I'm blessed I didn't have to deal with that. My hubs and I both go to therapy and we've both learned a lot about ourselves, including that we are completely different people with nearly opposite values. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 15, 2017 18:52:57 GMT -5
Thank you dear!! It is crazy. That's why I am saying goodbye to crazy! Crazy is typically driven by five fundamental fears, which are: The fear of abandonment. The fear of loss of control. The fear of feeling or appearing inferior or inadequate. The fear of loss of resources. The fear of exposure. Your objective is to identify and understand which of these fears motivates your crazy and to learn how and when to leverage them effectively. Quoted from the book" Say Goodbye to Crazy" by Dr. Tara Palmatier. Chapter 23 pg. 169. WOW. Very telling and empowering. I'm blessed I didn't have to deal with that. My hubs and I both go to therapy and we've both learned a lot about ourselves, including that we are completely different people with nearly opposite values. What's next for you? Facing the reality, and the healing process, I guess? |
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Jul 16, 2017 10:13:03 GMT -5
WOW. Very telling and empowering. I'm blessed I didn't have to deal with that. My hubs and I both go to therapy and we've both learned a lot about ourselves, including that we are completely different people with nearly opposite values. What's next for you? Facing the reality, and the healing process, I guess? Day to day... Talking to the kids about my relationship with their dad. My son is to the point where I can discuss it. I asked him what he thinks sex is for and he told me "I think it's a way of bonding with someone." I was so freaking proud in that moment! My daughter isn't there yet maturity wise. I told hubs about 18 months ago that when the kids are gone, I'll probably move on too. He'll always be my family, but as a married couple we are nothing. Right now it's day to day and seeing the bf when I can. There's nothing better than falling asleep in his arms. That's what I truly need day to day, but it's not happening right now. |
|
