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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2017 14:03:33 GMT -5
Thanks, Apocrypha. I've modified my pic. Your insights on my communication is spot on. This Spring my wife shut down communication because what I was saying, which was trying to explain my needs, was hurtful to her. Then she is a piss poor excuse for a counselor. I apologize for being harsh, but a person who has been through counseling training knows exactly how important it is to listen to and put value on the perspective of another person. Additionally, if she claims to be a Christian, she knows how important it is for her to fulfill her husband's needs per 1 Corinthians 7. Frankly, I hope she finds this site and reads my comment. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2017 14:09:42 GMT -5
My interest in anonymity goes way beyond anything from ILIASM, baza. I taught my kids some of this when they were young and starting to go online. I work in computer security so I've always been a little paranoid. I have an idea of what someone can find out about someone else with very little information. And how much more they can find out with a little money. There is no reason your Facebook account has to use your real name, for example. Most people are willingly giving up their privacy for literally nothing. It is a big problem. The only time I use my real name for anything online is when I'm looking for a job. (I'm another who has spent about 20 years with IT people....) |
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 12, 2017 14:12:00 GMT -5
Last night, we had a long, heartfelt discussion of our grievances and expectations. It started with explaining the attempted extramarital romp, and pointing out my previous demands that were discounted and denied. I did my best to not seem like an ass, but I shut her down on every excuse as to why we did not have sex. I explained that I'm done being insulted. I compared her to a former lover in appropriate detail. I explained that I need to feel connected through sexual contact, and she had twenty three years of denial that SHE needed to make amends for. I'm sure it was very uncomfortable, but, it all needed to be said, and, was not going to be heard if there was no perceived external threat.
Oddly, I think she heard the message. We had reset sex this afternoon before work. It was vanilla, and I wore her out, but, it at least seemed heartfelt by her.
We'll see what happens in time. Will this hold? Is she going to fake it until she makes it? Can I add a bit of flavor to our time together? I'm not optimistic, but, I'm willing to see how this develops.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2017 14:54:50 GMT -5
Last night, we had a long, heartfelt discussion of our grievances and expectations. It started with explaining the attempted extramarital romp, and pointing out my previous demands that were discounted and denied. I did my best to not seem like an ass, but I shut her down on every excuse as to why we did not have sex. I explained that I'm done being insulted. I compared her to a former lover in appropriate detail. I explained that I need to feel connected through sexual contact, and she had twenty three years of denial that SHE needed to make amends for. I'm sure it was very uncomfortable, but, it all needed to be said, and, was not going to be heard if there was no perceived external threat. Oddly, I think she heard the message. We had reset sex this afternoon before work. It was vanilla, and I wore her out, but, it at least seemed heartfelt by her. We'll see what happens in time. Will this hold? Is she going to fake it until she makes it? Can I add a bit of flavor to our time together? I'm not optimistic, but, I'm willing to see how this develops. You probably saw the discussion the last day or so here about "hysterical bonding"? Well played, if you are still in the game with her. It's a shame, the need to threaten divorce or have an affair to get laid by your own spouse. |
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 12, 2017 15:07:20 GMT -5
^^^^^^^ Exactly, beachguy. That's why I'm not optimistic. I'd love it if it was all really heartfelt. I'll just stop right there, but, everyone knows what I'm thinking. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2017 16:22:08 GMT -5
^^^^^^^ Exactly, beachguy . That's why I'm not optimistic. I'd love it if it was all really heartfelt. I'll just stop right there, but, everyone knows what I'm thinking. I ended up searching on Hysterical Bonding the other day, and I ended up in some TAMS discussions. It is interesting that over there, the post-affair "HB" sex is described as "incredible"... or "better than we ever had", and similar. And that's by the cuckolded spouse, not the "cheater". Contrast it to here. If it happens at all, the refusing spouse is barely alive, but she gets credit for at least not asking when it will be over. Just an observation that might need further research and sampling... (just another clue that our deals are very different, in every way) |
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Post by csl on Jul 12, 2017 21:22:55 GMT -5
^^^^^^^ Exactly, beachguy . That's why I'm not optimistic. I'd love it if it was all really heartfelt. I'll just stop right there, but, everyone knows what I'm thinking. I get the Hysterical Bonding thing,... but on the off-chance that it isn't that, I have a resource you might want to share with your wife. Predicated on the assumptions that: 1 - She is a Christian counselor 2 - She actually takes her stated beliefs seriously 3 - She is serious about marriage counseling changing her (you, of course, are adamant that you aren't the problem) 4 - She is open to learning; then it might be worth your while to suggest that your wife peruse the Awaken-Love website. Yes, a lot of assumptions, but you are the one who is best able to judge the lay (sorry 'bout that) of the land. |
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 12, 2017 22:12:54 GMT -5
1. She is.
2. She does take her beliefs seriously, with the caveat that, in the end, I think everyone interprets the Book to suit themselves.
3. My bet is she still thinks I am the one that needs to be changed, and, I may be a big problem. This experience has destroyed my belief in monogamy. I'm much more inclined toward polyamory.
4. She is intellectual, but may be set in her ways.
I'll check out the site. I have no idea if it will help.
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Post by csl on Jul 13, 2017 12:07:18 GMT -5
1. She is. 2. She does take her beliefs seriously, with the caveat that, in the end, I think everyone interprets the Book to suit themselves. 3. My bet is she still thinks I am the one that needs to be changed, and, I may be a big problem. This experience has destroyed my belief in monogamy. I'm much more inclined toward polyamory. 4. She is intellectual, but may be set in her ways. I'll check out the site. I have no idea if it will help. Well, the proof of the pudding is in the eating, as they say. The site is for her alone, and her reaction will demonstrate a lot. |
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Jul 13, 2017 18:08:17 GMT -5
Last night, we had a long, heartfelt discussion of our grievances and expectations. It started with explaining the attempted extramarital romp, and pointing out my previous demands that were discounted and denied. I did my best to not seem like an ass, but I shut her down on every excuse as to why we did not have sex. I explained that I'm done being insulted. I compared her to a former lover in appropriate detail. I explained that I need to feel connected through sexual contact, and she had twenty three years of denial that SHE needed to make amends for. I'm sure it was very uncomfortable, but, it all needed to be said, and, was not going to be heard if there was no perceived external threat. Oddly, I think she heard the message. We had reset sex this afternoon before work. It was vanilla, and I wore her out, but, it at least seemed heartfelt by her. We'll see what happens in time. Will this hold? Is she going to fake it until she makes it? Can I add a bit of flavor to our time together? I'm not optimistic, but, I'm willing to see how this develops. Wishing you luck! |
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 13, 2017 18:21:11 GMT -5
Thank you, Tori.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2017 9:11:05 GMT -5
Last night, we had a long, heartfelt discussion of our grievances and expectations. It started with explaining the attempted extramarital romp, and pointing out my previous demands that were discounted and denied. I did my best to not seem like an ass, but I shut her down on every excuse as to why we did not have sex. I explained that I'm done being insulted. I compared her to a former lover in appropriate detail. I explained that I need to feel connected through sexual contact, and she had twenty three years of denial that SHE needed to make amends for. I'm sure it was very uncomfortable, but, it all needed to be said, and, was not going to be heard if there was no perceived external threat. Oddly, I think she heard the message. We had reset sex this afternoon before work. It was vanilla, and I wore her out, but, it at least seemed heartfelt by her. We'll see what happens in time. Will this hold? Is she going to fake it until she makes it? Can I add a bit of flavor to our time together? I'm not optimistic, but, I'm willing to see how this develops. If she wants to talk again, I suggest that you tell her that her efforts were nice, but they do not begin to replace the years of refusal. Don't back off on this. She needs to realize she is just as guilty of adultery as if she had been fucking the paper boy. She has no business pointing her finger at you for trying to find someone to fill the needs that she has deliberately denied. Ironhamster, don't forget that I have your back. |
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Post by csl on Jul 14, 2017 9:46:42 GMT -5
1. She is. 2. She does take her beliefs seriously, with the caveat that, in the end, I think everyone interprets the Book to suit themselves. 3. My bet is she still thinks I am the one that needs to be changed, and, I may be a big problem. This experience has destroyed my belief in monogamy. I'm much more inclined toward polyamory. 4. She is intellectual, but may be set in her ways. I'll check out the site. I have no idea if it will help. Well, the proof of the pudding is in the eating, as they say. The site is for her alone, and her reaction will demonstrate a lot. Just a quick question, then. May I assume that with regard to religious values, this is a 'mixed marriage'? I'm seeing different values in your statements about the two of you. |
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Post by Dan on Jul 14, 2017 11:40:31 GMT -5
My Friday date turned out to be a scammer. When that became apparent, I laughed at her. I'm actually ok with the fact she contacted my wife, because it forces a move on her part. From what I have seen, the odds of my request for an open marriage being approved are slim, but it will no longer be ignored. This was my single biggest fear when I first started to outsource. I never did encounter this, but was always on-guard for it. Nor have I actually heard of a confirmed case of this before now. OK... I read the whole thread... but I don't think I pieced this together: What do you think was the motivation of the woman you met? 1) She is actively spending time trying to lure in "cheaters", even so far as to meet them face to face; once she is convinced she's found one, she started to threaten exposing you? If this, then: 1a) WTF??? What the heck is her backstory? Was she emotionally scarred by a former [presumably cheating] husband, boyfriend, lover? Doesn't she have anything better to do??? OR: 2) She really thought you were single. Once she found out you weren't... she, out of anger, started to threaten exposing you. If this, then: 2a) Did you expressly say ahead of time "I'm married and looking for something on the side?" Or did you expressly say "I'm single." Or did you leave it a bit ambiguous, and what you figured was "don't ask don't tell" was instead interpreted by her as "a lie by omission"? OR: 3) Something else? |
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 14, 2017 11:50:55 GMT -5
My Friday date turned out to be a scammer. When that became apparent, I laughed at her. I'm actually ok with the fact she contacted my wife, because it forces a move on her part. From what I have seen, the odds of my request for an open marriage being approved are slim, but it will no longer be ignored. This was my single biggest fear when I first started to outsource. I never did encounter this, but was always on-guard for it. Nor have I actually heard of a "confirmed case" of this before now. OK... I read the whole thread... but I don't think I piece this together yet: What do you think was the motivation of the woman you met? 1) She is actively spending time trying to lure in "cheaters", even so far as to meet them face to face; once she is convinced she's found one, she started to threaten exposing you? OR: 2) She really thought you were single. Once she found out you weren't... she, out of anger, started to threaten exposing you. If this, then: 2a) Did you expressly say ahead of time "I'm married and looking for something on the side?" Or did you expressly say "I'm single." Or did you leave it a bit ambiguous, and what you figured was "don't ask don't tell" was instead interpreted by her as "a lie by omission"? OR: 3) Something else? I was clear that I had baggage, but she never asked what it was, so, it was don'ask don't tell. I have to leave open the possibility that she was just pissed, but, the timing of it all indicates otherwise. She egged me on for two days, and my response had been, more or less, "go ahead." It was not until I specifically stated she would not get anything from me that she made contact, and, within fifteen minutes, at that. The timing was the most telling part of her likely motives. Again, she has a nice house and a part time job. I can explain that any number of ways, but, we all know one distinct possibility. |
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