Post by scrimshaw on Jul 9, 2017 18:30:49 GMT -5
We have no children*, so not staying for the children. I stay for a lot of reasons (somewhat in order);
- We aren't just two people living under the same roof. We sleep in the same bed, we cuddle. We treat each other well.
We hold hands a lot. A lot of people have said we're an "adorable couple".
- It isn't simple refusal. Intercourse is painful for her. Part of the reason we stopped 8 years ago was because I could see the pain in her face.
- She is working on it; she sees a pelvic floor therapist, she is working with dilators, she uses a vaginal estrogen cream. I personally don't see that it will work. Add up DES exposure in utero, having her ovaries removed, and then breast cancer so she can't have any hormones at all - and I just don't see intercourse ever not being painful for her.
- We do things together; we ride a tandem bike together, around 2,000 miles a year on the tandem.
I ride another ~2,000 miles a year on my own, she probably rides 500 to 1,000 on her own bike.
- I've worked very hard to get to a point financially where actual, real retirement is likely. Clearly a divorce would mean working the rest of my life.
- We live in Southern California - surviving on half my pay would be difficult - I have kids fresh out of college who I supervise, who make substantially more than half my salary, and they all are sharing apartments, living with their parents, or renting a room in someone's house.
- Moving to another city isn't an option - I work in
a niche industry, I'm good at what I do, and I get to be a part of some really cool stuff. There is only one other company in the U.S. that does what we do, so I'll not be identifying what I do, other than to say I'm an engineer. I'm not about to move to where the other company is, and besides, they are hanging on by a shoestring because we employ most of the best people in the business.
- I fear what would happen to her if I left. She hasn't worked outside the home in 7 or 8 years; this was a joint decision. She historically has had troubles holding on to jobs for very long. It would be difficult for her to get much more than a minimum wage job.
- She is suffering from major depression. She had a pretty shitty childhood, got date-raped in her 20s, had a crap 1st marriage, was unable to have children, is a breast cancer survivor, I've cheated on her both physically (once) and sexting (once). Got caught both times, it's doubly hard on her because her dad had numerous affairs as she was growing up.
- I suffer from anxiety and moderate depression. I have almost no friends who aren't mutual friends. I'm sure that it would come out that I cheated and that would be the end of a lot of friendships and possibly not being welcome at more than a couple cycling groups.
I've probably left some stuff out, but those are my reasons for staying. It would be "easier" to leave if our marriage were otherwise crap, and if I had any feelings of self-worth.
* technically not true, we adopted a teenager 9 years ago who moved out 2 years later to be with her bio-parents. We hear from her occasionally. That's a long story in an of itself which added a ton of stress to our marriage. But she's not a factor in any decision making.
- We aren't just two people living under the same roof. We sleep in the same bed, we cuddle. We treat each other well.
We hold hands a lot. A lot of people have said we're an "adorable couple".
- It isn't simple refusal. Intercourse is painful for her. Part of the reason we stopped 8 years ago was because I could see the pain in her face.
- She is working on it; she sees a pelvic floor therapist, she is working with dilators, she uses a vaginal estrogen cream. I personally don't see that it will work. Add up DES exposure in utero, having her ovaries removed, and then breast cancer so she can't have any hormones at all - and I just don't see intercourse ever not being painful for her.
- We do things together; we ride a tandem bike together, around 2,000 miles a year on the tandem.
I ride another ~2,000 miles a year on my own, she probably rides 500 to 1,000 on her own bike.
- I've worked very hard to get to a point financially where actual, real retirement is likely. Clearly a divorce would mean working the rest of my life.
- We live in Southern California - surviving on half my pay would be difficult - I have kids fresh out of college who I supervise, who make substantially more than half my salary, and they all are sharing apartments, living with their parents, or renting a room in someone's house.
- Moving to another city isn't an option - I work in
a niche industry, I'm good at what I do, and I get to be a part of some really cool stuff. There is only one other company in the U.S. that does what we do, so I'll not be identifying what I do, other than to say I'm an engineer. I'm not about to move to where the other company is, and besides, they are hanging on by a shoestring because we employ most of the best people in the business.
- I fear what would happen to her if I left. She hasn't worked outside the home in 7 or 8 years; this was a joint decision. She historically has had troubles holding on to jobs for very long. It would be difficult for her to get much more than a minimum wage job.
- She is suffering from major depression. She had a pretty shitty childhood, got date-raped in her 20s, had a crap 1st marriage, was unable to have children, is a breast cancer survivor, I've cheated on her both physically (once) and sexting (once). Got caught both times, it's doubly hard on her because her dad had numerous affairs as she was growing up.
- I suffer from anxiety and moderate depression. I have almost no friends who aren't mutual friends. I'm sure that it would come out that I cheated and that would be the end of a lot of friendships and possibly not being welcome at more than a couple cycling groups.
I've probably left some stuff out, but those are my reasons for staying. It would be "easier" to leave if our marriage were otherwise crap, and if I had any feelings of self-worth.
* technically not true, we adopted a teenager 9 years ago who moved out 2 years later to be with her bio-parents. We hear from her occasionally. That's a long story in an of itself which added a ton of stress to our marriage. But she's not a factor in any decision making.
