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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 14, 2017 11:38:41 GMT -5
Exactly! If sex is not important, then it is not important all the time. Yeah - great point. Just illustrates that, for many, the refusing itself can be a tactic used to control the refused. The importance of sex varies with the situation in order to keep the refused "in the right." Sexual "transgressions" can then be used to erode the refused's character and alienate the refused from friends and family. I've never told anyone anything about any problem my W and I have faced over all the years of our marriage. I never complained about her to anyone, ever. We always found a way to work things out until now. Now though, I seem to be condemned by her "secret" boundaries (as I was told last night). So far I've only told my tale here, and I'm truly grateful for all of the feedback and support. You guys are the best. There are no others I would mention it to. My Mom is a hopeless case as far as sharing any kind of relationship - she was my first controller and she hasn't changed one bit. All of my friends are estranged, and there's no one at work I would feel comfortable enough with, to open up and share something as personal as this. ..Would be nice to have a couple people to talk to about it, in person. As of this morning, my wedding ring is in a dish next to hers, where she stores it to "keep it clean." ROTFLMAO (bitterly). Are these friends you have before the W? Could you call them up and try to get the friendship back? If they are real friends, just telling them about your controlling W and your refusal to be controlled could turn them back around. |
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Post by brian on Oct 14, 2017 14:48:02 GMT -5
At that time, "what people thought of me" was important to me, unhealthily so. I know several people who have flipped this switch from "what people think of me" to "I don't give a fuck". From what I can tell it doesn't appear to be a gradual transition it just happens. Is that other people's experience? Is there a defining moment where you say no more? I want to get to this place of not caring what other people think and I'm getting better, but there hasn't been a defining moment for me. Or maybe there was and I just didn't pick up on it. Interested to hear others thoughts on this. For me, this happened when I finally had enough self confidence and no longer felt the need to be "validated" by others. I no longer hide behind a fascade with most anybody. I can casually talk about sex, relationships, embarrassing moments, etc. all without feeling ashamed or self conscious. Funny thing happened though... when I strted opening up, others followed suit. I was amazed at how many ppl I interact with have had some very trying episodes in their lives. I even found 3 coworkers enduring sexless marriages and 4 others that divorced because of it. |
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Post by JMX on Oct 14, 2017 20:53:16 GMT -5
I am rare. I am extremely open. I find that being as open as I am has brought me to an understanding that other people are going through it too. Even ones I find super-human. Ones that I know IRL. It helps shift my perspective, but maybe not always in a great way.
I have a friend - size zero hottie. Fun, bubbly, etc. - same situation. I look at her, wanting to get to a size 6 and think - what's the fucking point?
Another baddy - past potential AP - I opened up to - known him since high school. He is also in an SM. But getting to know his situation and his reasoning - his wife is "too fat". It made me feel so sorry for her that I would NEVER touch him. Not even with a 10 foot pole. He is the refuser. He never loved her and has loved me since high school. I figured it would be a hate-fuck for him OR I would have an emotional mess on my hands. He was a Dick and I have been smart since high school.
That's just the tip of the iceberg. I have told family, friends (a ton of them). I actually wish that I would SHUT UP about it already. Talking about it is not always helpful. Now, I am just a boring lady that doesn't get laid that whines a lot. At least, that's how I imagine myself now, so I will just SHUT UP!
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Post by h on Oct 14, 2017 22:26:06 GMT -5
I am rare. I am extremely open. I find that being as open as I am has brought me to an understanding that other people are going through it too. Even ones I find super-human. Ones that I know IRL. It helps shift my perspective, but maybe not always in a great way. I have a friend - size zero hottie. Fun, bubbly, etc. - same situation. I look at her, wanting to get to a size 6 and think - what's the fucking point? Another baddy - past potential AP - I opened up to - known him since high school. He is also in an SM. But getting to know his situation and his reasoning - his wife is "too fat". It made me feel so sorry for her that I would NEVER touch him. Not even with a 10 foot pole. He is the refuser. He never loved her and has loved me since high school. I figured it would be a hate-fuck for him OR I would have an emotional mess on my hands. He was a Dick and I have been smart since high school. That's just the tip of the iceberg. I have told family, friends (a ton of them). I actually wish that I would SHUT UP about it already. Talking about it is not always helpful. Now, I am just a boring lady that doesn't get laid that whines a lot. At least, that's how I imagine myself now, so I will just SHUT UP! Don't shut up here! That's what this place is for!😃 |
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Post by JMX on Oct 14, 2017 22:55:47 GMT -5
h - I will never shut up here - maybe only in IRL.
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Post by M2G on Oct 15, 2017 5:32:29 GMT -5
" But getting to know his situation and his reasoning - his wife is "too fat". It made me feel so sorry for her that I would NEVER touch him. Not even with a 10 foot pole. He is the refuser. He never loved her and has loved me since high school. I figured it would be a hate-fuck for him OR I would have an emotional mess on my hands. He was a Dick and I have been smart since high school." Yeah he is a moron. Probably educated by porn and the media standard of "what a woman's body should be." Only reason I can see to have relations with him, is to take what you want then tell him it's not going to happen again because his "equipment" is not up to par. Best reason not to do it: with an attitude like that you can probably expect hamster sex. |
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Post by M2G on Oct 15, 2017 5:48:39 GMT -5
Thanks - good suggestions. It could be fun to get back into a band, or start one, again. I got out of it in the late 90's because I was tired of people thinking they were going to be rock stars by playing other people's songs in bars. My attitude (especially now) is more like what Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits) said: "I would do this for free if I could get a bunch of guys to lug all this equipment around" ..and these days the equipment keeps getting smaller. (I'm taking about BAND equipment here, just so you know  ) |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 15, 2017 7:56:56 GMT -5
"Talking about it is not always helpful. Now, I am just a boring lady that doesn't get laid that whines a lot. At least, that's how I imagine myself now, so I will just SHUT UP!"
When formerly sympathetic friends started indicating they were sick of my whining: if the sm bothered me so much, I should divorce, that was one of the things that got me to decide to divorce. Hell, even I was sick of my whining!
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