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Post by shamwow on Sept 11, 2017 16:02:02 GMT -5
I've never told a soul in person and can't imagine that it would make me feel any better. Feeling unloved, rejected, undesired, ad infinitum isn't something I would ever share. I'm a bit afraid that saying it outloud to another person, in person, would make the problem seem lesser. You'd be surprised. Before I told anyone I figured there was something the matter with me. After I told some people in person? I knew the problem was with her. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 11, 2017 16:33:16 GMT -5
"I've never told a soul in person and can't imagine that it would make me feel any better. Feeling unloved, rejected, undesired, ad infinitum isn't something I would ever share. "
My friends' outrage at how I was being treated, their insistence that I am attractive, sexy and undeserving of such treatment made me feel loved by them and deserving of love from a partner. That led to my having the courage to divorce.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 11, 2017 16:33:54 GMT -5
"I've never told a soul in person and can't imagine that it would make me feel any better. Feeling unloved, rejected, undesired, ad infinitum isn't something I would ever share. "
My friends' outrage at how I was being treated, their insistence that I am attractive, sexy and undeserving of such treatment made me feel loved by them and deserving of love from a partner. That led to my having the courage to divorce.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2017 9:32:27 GMT -5
and my therapist, ironically the less comprehensive about it cause he keep asking if I want to divorce ONLY because of sex... Your therapist sounds like a moron. Sex is the most basic part of marriage & if it is denied, the relationship is NOT a marriage. It made a HUGE difference when I started telling people. The minister at my church was very supportive and helpful. I totally agree with you flashjohn! And the more I read the sm stories, more I know I have to get away cause he will never change... I believe that my therapist is trying to save my marriage although I've told him my decision and my reasons... |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2017 9:33:29 GMT -5
" said:and my therapist, ironically the less comprehensive about it cause he keep asking if I want to divorce ONLY because of sex..." Your therapist probably is a refuser. Get a new therapist who understands the importance of sex. Hahaha! You're right! I think I should do it! |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2017 9:35:51 GMT -5
Question time: If one of us was outsourcing and got caught, and the refuser then wanted a divorce - what would happen if we objected and said, "But it's only sex! Sex isn't the important thing in a marriage. What are you so upset about?"
Rhetorical question, I know.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2017 9:54:02 GMT -5
Question time: If one of us was outsourcing and got caught, and the refuser then wanted a divorce - what would happen if we objected and said, "But it's only sex! Sex isn't the important thing in a marriage. What are you so upset about?" Rhetorical question, I know. Exactly! If sex is not important, then it is not important all the time. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 12, 2017 10:07:54 GMT -5
Question time: If one of us was outsourcing and got caught, and the refuser then wanted a divorce - what would happen if we objected and said, "But it's only sex! Sex isn't the important thing in a marriage. What are you so upset about?" Rhetorical question, I know. My experience.....As my marriage was slowly cratering and I ran out of approaches trying to fix it, I had 3 talks with my then W. about me having a FWB. I approached it from the stand point of a win-win for both of us. I got the sexual and intimacy component I longed for and she no longer had to contend with me constantly trying to force intimacy and sex on her. I assured her there would be no danger of her losing her position as my W. But she would have no part of it. She was adamant that no one else would be on the receiving end my little swimmers but her. The head scratching part was she had no desire for my little swimmers. Being an Alpha woman she could not countenance the idea of another woman sharing my bed. |
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 4, 2017 23:55:44 GMT -5
I told 2 friends. One was temporarily going through a dry spell which was resolved. It helps to talk to someone. It also helps a lot that this forum is here for people like us to share.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 10, 2017 21:16:58 GMT -5
Telling someone else is the real reason things have shifted for me. Saying it out loud made me realize just how crazy it is. I opened up to my best friend after 6 years of SM. Now at 8 year of SM I have told 4 close friends, my therapy/RC group (reevaluation counseling- a whole other story- very helpful to me!), and my aunt. Suprisingly, my aunt is in a less extreme SM- they have sex 6-10 times a year. To me that is #relationshipgoals. (Just kidding- I have higher ideals than that!)
Even writing my story in this group and getting the feedback that my situation is extreme and NOT OK is so validating and empowering.
Shame can't live in the light. Shine some light. Start small but go ahead and say it out loud to another human being. Really powerful message that you are naming your reality. To me, I am feeling like that is the first step in getting to "I deserve more and I will not settle." #lifegoals
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 13, 2017 21:15:20 GMT -5
I've never told anyone, besides here,I'm very stoic in nature, and it would never come up in usual conversation. But I find it hilarious when I get the scoop on other people from my wife, whether it be how awesome or not. The best is when a close friend of mine stopped sleeping with his wife (3 back surgeries, and Vicodin for almost 2 years, constant pain not good for the libido I'm told) and how distraught she was over the whole thing. I'm listening to her empathize with this woman and thinking, is this really happening, WTF, are you blind. At the time I was without words now I laugh, when sex does come up I normally voice my dissatisfaction so the conversation is short lived, really hard for the other couple, we have awesome sexlife we're happy as a clam, and i politely ask them what is sex, kind of a mood killer lol.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 14, 2017 0:11:46 GMT -5
I would say "What the hell did you expect? You told me I was like a 17 year old boy."
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Post by M2G on Oct 14, 2017 5:38:39 GMT -5
Question time: If one of us was outsourcing and got caught, and the refuser then wanted a divorce - what would happen if we objected and said, "But it's only sex! Sex isn't the important thing in a marriage. What are you so upset about?" Rhetorical question, I know. Exactly! If sex is not important, then it is not important all the time. Yeah - great point. Just illustrates that, for many, the refusing itself can be a tactic used to control the refused. The importance of sex varies with the situation in order to keep the refused "in the right." Sexual "transgressions" can then be used to erode the refused's character and alienate the refused from friends and family. I've never told anyone anything about any problem my W and I have faced over all the years of our marriage. I never complained about her to anyone, ever. We always found a way to work things out until now. Now though, I seem to be condemned by her "secret" boundaries (as I was told last night). So far I've only told my tale here, and I'm truly grateful for all of the feedback and support. You guys are the best. There are no others I would mention it to. My Mom is a hopeless case as far as sharing any kind of relationship - she was my first controller and she hasn't changed one bit. All of my friends are estranged, and there's no one at work I would feel comfortable enough with, to open up and share something as personal as this. ..Would be nice to have a couple people to talk to about it, in person. As of this morning, my wedding ring is in a dish next to hers, where she stores it to "keep it clean." ROTFLMAO (bitterly). |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 14, 2017 6:44:09 GMT -5
Milestogo, you could take the time to meet more people in real life and cultivate friendships. Meet ups, sports teams, volunteering all are ways. Otherwise your life will continue to be lonely.
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Post by neonspace on Oct 14, 2017 11:21:41 GMT -5
At that time, "what people thought of me" was important to me, unhealthily so. I know several people who have flipped this switch from "what people think of me" to "I don't give a fuck". From what I can tell it doesn't appear to be a gradual transition it just happens. Is that other people's experience? Is there a defining moment where you say no more? I want to get to this place of not caring what other people think and I'm getting better, but there hasn't been a defining moment for me. Or maybe there was and I just didn't pick up on it. Interested to hear others thoughts on this. |
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