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Post by WindSister on May 31, 2017 13:27:49 GMT -5
I just gotta get this out there though I am sure it's been said. It's just I see a lot of comments in some threads to women stating, "Wow, you look wonderful, your husband is a dim wit," or such....
Thing is -- it's NOT about "looking pretty enough." (or not) And that goes both ways.
I mean, if you totally and completely let yourself go, yeah -- your partner probably won't be turned on, but hopefully they love you enough to say it and to help you lead a healthier lifestyle. ANd hopefully they aren't complete ass hypocrites and take care of themselves as well, in RETURN.
Anyway -- the fact is, it's not necessarily just the "pretty people" that want or like sex. And, it's not just the "ugly ones" that are turned down. It goes much, much MUCH deeper than materialistic looks.
Sadly, though, if your partner rejects you it's the first thing you think of. I know I did. I recognized during my depression years I probably wasn't a turn on, so I tried to improve myself. I lost weight, started exercising, started buying sexy lingerie (that became a spendy habit for a bit) and was STILL rejected. I asked him to join me in getting healthy (the man lived off Mt. Dew and chips and chocolate). I begged him to join me on outdoor adventures, exercise, walks, SOMETHING, but nope. So I started doing it on my own. But he made it hard by still insisting on fast food, or junk food or asking me to just stay home and watch a movie and eat.
BEFORE I even lost all the weight and as I was leaving my marriage, I found a FWB/AP. He liked me A LOT as is -- rolls and all. He spoiled me with affection/sex/flirtation, etc. He was the reason I finally realized it was not all about "my weight."
My ex at that time was just beginning to THINK ABOUT maybe start noticing me... or so he told me in an all-confessing email one month after I left. He said when we first met I was an "8" in his eyes (perfect for him) but then he was turned off when I gained weight, but towards the end he was "beginning to notice me" again because I was starting to be an "8" again. (his actual words). Mind you, the man stopped having sex with me ONE YEAR into our marriage and I was the same weight up until the great depression years (5-6 years into our marriage). Anyway, his recent "noticing of me" towards the end wasn't followed up with actually touching me in any way. I was on my way out, anyway - too little, too late.
Anyway -- the point is, it's not all about "looks." Not at all.
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Post by h on May 31, 2017 14:25:18 GMT -5
Thanks for saying this. I had the same negative thoughts about myself for years. I'm not even sure how I would rate on a scale of 1 to 10 but I know that I am not much different than when I got married. Not perfect but not "ugly" by any comparison I can think of. I thought for years that I must be horrible to look at and should be grateful that anyone agreed to marry me at all. It's only in the last year or so that I have come to realize that I deserve more and only recently that I have started to gain the confidence to take steps to get what I need from our relationship.
My wife has put on a significant amount of weight in the time since we got married but it doesn't change my desire to feel close to her in both sexual and nonsexual ways. An intimate connection helps you overlook minor issues with physical appearance. Looks are (admittedly, only to a certain extent) superficial and shouldn't be the primary reason for denying your spouse something they need. If weight is a serious problem, it can be fixed with a willing attitude and some hard work. Unless it's so bad that it physically prevents sex, it's not that big a deal (sorry for the bad pun there). Sex is about more than looks or size.
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Post by shamwow on May 31, 2017 14:26:18 GMT -5
And the same applies to men as well. When I first got married, I was tall and lean. I ran marathons. I did martial arts. I was in good shape. Not what you would call "hot", but I was sometimes referred to as "cute". Before saying "I Do", to say the sex was abundant would be an understatement. As I mentioned before, we once had sex 24 times in 24 hours. Let's just say that I had stamina and my wife knew what she was getting in to. Immediately after the honeymoon (as in upon the plane landing back home), a mystery "medical condition" ensured that sex would be infrequent and extremely painful for her. Of course, this has never formally been diagnosed, but I was a much more trusting soul back then. As kids and age came through the years, I put on some "dad weight". By about 5-6 years into our marriage, I had developed a beer belly. Within a year or two after my 13 year old son arrived, I looked like this:  Sexy as hell, right? And this isn't even where I topped out. I think I put about 20 more pounds on after this picture, and it all went to my belly and my ass. It got so bad that eventually on a motorcycle trip I couldn't even put on rain pants because I couldn't bend my legs in my "fat pants" even with them unbuttoned and unzipped. Hell, I wouldn't want to fuck me either. So I proceeded to lose 74 pounds. I got back to the weight I ran marathons at and started running them again. I was lean and athletic again...and she didn't bat an eye. I honestly don't think she ever said anything along the lines of "you look good" even though I did this mainly for her benefit. Here is a picture from the leaner and meaner period:  I kept the weight off for several years. But after I realized that it didn't matter if I was fat or thin I kind of said fuck it and ballooned back up again. No pics from this period since I avoided the camera like the plague. However, as I clawed my way out of depression in the past year and a half, I took the weight off again...for me. I'm glad I did it with that goal since she still hasn't said anything. I haven't gotten a sideways glance even when I walk around in swim trunks or boxers. Here is a re-post of my "molested in the park" photo, and what I look like today.  Look, I'm not a movie star, but I don't think I'm completely un-fuckable either. So the point here is that I also went from an 8 to a 5 back to an 8 again. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you look like. Your spouse simply doesn't look at you as a sexual being because THEY are not a sexual being. Nothing you can do can "fix" that inconvenient truth. But it taught me an important lesson. If I want to look good, do it for me, not someone else. I definitely believe that I will keep the weight off for good this time because my motivation comes from a more sustainable source. |
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Post by neonspace on May 31, 2017 14:40:37 GMT -5
I went to the gym for awhile trying to get fit to get my wife to notice. LOL, never happened/happening. An interesting side effect, is that if you can get your calorie intake and physical activity just right your sex drive will plummet. So this worked for me for about six months until I realized it wasn't sustainable and somewhat pathetic.
I stay fit now just for my own personal health and the off chance some random woman will notice me.
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Post by h on May 31, 2017 14:44:25 GMT -5
I went to the gym for awhile trying to get fit to get my wife to notice. LOL, never happened/happening. An interesting side effect, is that if you can get your calorie intake and physical activity just right your sex drive will plummet. So this worked for me for about six months until I realized it wasn't sustainable and somewhat pathetic. I stay fit now just for my own personal health and the off chance some random woman will notice me. What exactly do you mean by "just right" on the calorie intake and activity? Curious... |
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Post by WindSister on May 31, 2017 14:46:10 GMT -5
Thanks for saying this. I had the same negative thoughts about myself for years. I'm not even sure how I would rate on a scale of 1 to 10 but I know that I am not much different than when I got married. Not perfect but not "ugly" by any comparison I can think of. I thought for years that I must be horrible to look at and should be grateful that anyone agreed to marry me at all. It's only in the last year or so that I have come to realize that I deserve more and only recently that I have started to gain the confidence to take steps to get what I need from our relationship. My wife has put on a significant amount of weight in the time since we got married but it doesn't change my desire to feel close to her in both sexual and nonsexual ways. An intimate connection helps you overlook minor issues with physical appearance. Looks are (admittedly, only to a certain extent) superficial and shouldn't be the primary reason for denying your spouse something they need. If weight is a serious problem, it can be fixed with a willing attitude and some hard work. Unless it's so bad that it physically prevents sex, it's not that big a deal (sorry for the bad pun there). Sex is about more than looks or size. I am most glad that you have come to realize you want and deserve more and to know that you are worthy. And I so agree that an intimate connection helps one to overlook "minor issues" with physical appearance. God -- I look at my husband with such perfect love and lust -- he has a beer belly, he has gained a little weight, but I still just see pure sexiness. |
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Post by WindSister on May 31, 2017 14:57:00 GMT -5
shamwow - Impressive journey and congrats on finding/fighting/clawing your way back to you. I can definitely relate to that. Keep it up!! No more boiled frog --- eyes open.  Sad marriages, really, I feel, is a HUGE cause for a lot of the depression we see in the world. I am maintaining weight loss easily now, or at least, without the "issues" around it I had before. Depression? Not even something I remotely have to worry about now so mine was purely "situational." But back to the "looks" thing -- I had mentioned my ex met his new woman on a sex dating site and how much THAT messed with me after I got out. But, here's the thing -- she may LOOK like Lita Ford (like, literally, straight from the 80s, still) but that doesn't mean she actually really has a high libido or likes sex or can possibly get as freaky as this homey-looking woman can get. So maybe they are a great match after all -- they both have "the look" with none of the action (that's my prediction). LOOKS simply do not tell a whole story.
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Post by WindSister on May 31, 2017 14:59:55 GMT -5
I went to the gym for awhile trying to get fit to get my wife to notice. LOL, never happened/happening. An interesting side effect, is that if you can get your calorie intake and physical activity just right your sex drive will plummet. So this worked for me for about six months until I realized it wasn't sustainable and somewhat pathetic. Okay, that was funny. Edited to add.. wait, only if you were being funny. I assume you were kinda joking there!! |
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Post by shamwow on May 31, 2017 15:18:39 GMT -5
I went to the gym for awhile trying to get fit to get my wife to notice. LOL, never happened/happening. An interesting side effect, is that if you can get your calorie intake and physical activity just right your sex drive will plummet. So this worked for me for about six months until I realized it wasn't sustainable and somewhat pathetic. Okay, that was funny. Edited to add.. wait, only if you were being funny. I assume you were kinda joking there!! He might not be. I used booze to intentionally plummet my libido. |
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Post by neonspace on May 31, 2017 15:46:35 GMT -5
It is a true story and it was also meant to be funny. While my situation doesn't make me happy, I do try to laugh at myself too. What I meant by "just right" is operating at a calorie deficit and as I was writiing that I told myself I should elaborate. I was at 9% body fat and monitored every item that went into my body. Now that I think about it my wife did notice. She said my eating habits ruined thanksgiving and that I was too skinny. I was probably too skinny then but have backed off that coping mechanism since then.
I have also tried other coping mechanisms like alcohol. All temporary measures that weren't all that effective.
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Post by shamwow on May 31, 2017 15:51:27 GMT -5
It is a true story and it was also meant to be funny. While my situation doesn't make me happy, I do try to laugh at myself too. What I meant by "just right" is operating at a calorie deficit and as I was writiing that I told myself I should elaborate. I was at 9% body fat and monitored every item that went into my body. Now that I think about it my wife did notice. She said my eating habits ruined thanksgiving and that I was too skinny. I was probably too skinny then but have backed off that coping mechanism since then. I have also tried other coping mechanisms like alcohol. All temporary measures that weren't all that effective. With alcohol, you also sometimes wake up lying in the gutter of the gay section of the French Quarter in New Orleans...inexplicably missing a shoe. Call it a side effect. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 31, 2017 16:24:40 GMT -5
Heavy drinking never tanked my libido as much as i would have liked it to do so. So i must have been doing that wrong too.
I think that my wife was never into me as a matter of my looks, but that may not have been the only or the most critical issue. However, as i consider my exit, the matter of looks scares the resolve out of me. As a 5 on maybe a great day at best, i'm not sure i can face the world as a single man.
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Post by shamwow on May 31, 2017 16:32:18 GMT -5
Heavy drinking never tanked my libido as much as i would have liked it to do so. So i must have been doing that wrong too. I think that my wife was never into me as a matter of my looks, but that may not have been the only or the most critical issue. However, as i consider my exit, the matter of looks scares the resolve out of me. As a 5 on maybe a great day at best, i'm not sure i can face the world as a single man. Perhaps you needed to drink more! Whiskey dick is real... As far as being ready to face the world as a single man...have you considered facing it as a single woman? I've heard that the surgery cost is dropping in price.  If I pursued the surgery option, however, I would most likely plummet to a 1 or 2. Sasquatch doesn't look good in makeup. |
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2017 16:36:30 GMT -5
this subject gets me fucking crazy.
I often post "a woman's appearance is the most important thing" on FB discussions about woman and their looks and fat and body positive etc etc...
The responses here are or will be about ones appearance?
I wanted a woman who was smart!!! That was the number one most important thing to me.
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Post by Rhapsodee on May 31, 2017 17:46:24 GMT -5
I know for a fact that it has nothing to do with how you look. It is their personal decision to not have sex with you.
I've always been active. I do it for me. I've always done it for me. My hub doesn't seem to have any resentment about my two gym memberships and workout schedule. He does complain that I am up and out the door at 6:00 am on Saturday to join up with the hiking club. He says he would do it with me if only they did it later in the day. He always has an excuse. Excuses for not exercising, excuses for not having sex.
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