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Post by northstarmom on May 31, 2017 17:52:11 GMT -5
Sham wow,
My post sm lovers shape is similar to your before. He looks and is hot to me. 15 years ago, I worked out 2 hours a day to catch my refuser' eye. He walked in on me changing clothes in our bedroom, said, "Excuse me,"and walked out. I was 30 pounds heavier when I met my lover. He takes and posts my picture a lot and calls me, "gorgeous."
Yeah. It's not about the looks.
Still, you look super hot. Many women long to be with a guy with your looks.
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mas
New Member
Posts: 5 
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Post by mas on May 31, 2017 19:43:36 GMT -5
This thread is interesting to me because I know I'm an attractive man. I get attention in my daily encounters due to my job as a territory manager in the field here in Southern California so I interact with women all day. My wife is also beautiful. But yet somehow I feel patheticly unattractive to the person I want to want me most. I have no weight issues but I'm not some model/actor type either. I have no performance issues at all (unless I'm wasted) so the sex has always been consistent where I aim to always please before me. I go to bed with a hard-on, wake up in the middle of the night with one, wake up in the morning with one and get a couple throughout the day. No sex drive is her excuse for the past 8 years and no sex for the past year. I'm ready to start exploring.
My story is long complicated and boring but I will be posting a thread soon. Sorry to go off topic here.
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Post by solodriver on May 31, 2017 20:37:01 GMT -5
My wife chooses to refuse sex or anything else I want to do. So I really don't care anymore. I do what I want, when I want, with whom I want. I don't even invite her anymore.
example: 2 weeks ago was a cute play that high school kids had been working on for the past 3 months for the end of the school year. I had been assisting with transportation and helping the tech crew. I invited my wife and she refused because she said she didn't want to be out driving after dark. Oh well, she missed a great performance.
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Post by baza on May 31, 2017 21:18:09 GMT -5
If life has taught me anything about women it is this.
There is NO correlation between looks and sexual performance.
NONE.
It doesn't follow that a good looking chick is a cracker in bed. Such a person can be a complete dud as a lover.
It doesn't follow that a not so good looking chick is a dud in bed. Such a person can be an absolute cracker as a lover.
And, before the ILIASM Sisters tear me a new arsehole, I'd make the point that I'd imagine this is is not gender specific and would apply to handsome / ugly blokes too.
So ends my submission on "what I know about women".
The above is the limit of my knowledge about this fascinating subject.
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Post by northstarmom on May 31, 2017 22:01:22 GMT -5
Several years before I decided to divorce, I decided to socialize on my own. I realized that going places with my husband wasn't fun. I'd get into interesting personal conversations with people, and he'd join and turn the conversation to something that wasn't personal at all such as talking about soccer. I had gotten into the habit of leaving conversations when he entered.
To my surprise, my husband didn't mind when I started socializing without him. He had told me that he had no need of friends, and I hadn't believed him. But that really was the way he was. He is the type of person who is perfectly happy going to sports games by himself, for instance.
Anyway, I made a lot of wonderful friends as a result of striking out on my own. I was doing these things without the knowledge that one gains by being here as I didn't discover EP (ILIASM's predecessor) until after I divorced. My new friends were wonderful supports as I went through the divorce. And, to my surprise, one of my acquaintances in a shared social activity ended up becoming the love of my life.
Wishing you the best as you spread your wings and live your own life.
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 31, 2017 23:58:16 GMT -5
My wife chooses to refuse sex or anything else I want to do. So I really don't care anymore. I do what I want, when I want, with whom I want. I don't even invite her anymore. example: 2 weeks ago was a cute play that high school kids had been working on for the past 3 months for the end of the school year. I had been assisting with transportation and helping the tech crew. I invited my wife and she refused because she said she didn't want to be out driving after dark. Oh well, she missed a great performance. Great attitude SD. Her loss. You keep being you xxx |
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 31, 2017 23:59:02 GMT -5
shamwow those dimples of yours will get you a long way.... sex change or no sex change ha ha!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 1, 2017 0:02:40 GMT -5
I agree. The packaging really has nothing to do with what's inside a person. Nothing at all. Classical beauty can be a curse as well as a gift. Equally, being no so conventionally attractive can have its plus points too as well as its downsides. The only important thing is to make peace with yourself and be YOUR best self. And to find someone who likes to cuddle and fuck a lot too  Now to dump the man and locate my Sir Fuckalot. Or Sir Clitalick is also an option. He he he. |
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49 
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Jun 1, 2017 5:48:22 GMT -5
It's true, looks has nothing to with it.
My H gained more than 30 pounds since we got married. 20 pounds in only one year! He prefers to eat out, though I prepare lunch and dinner every day. (Yesterday he just decided that he'll do a diet, but today said he'll follow it only on the weekdays. Um... Okay...) Still, I find him very attractive.
On the other hand, I lost all the weight I gained during pregnancy, because I didn't like myself that way and of course I wanted to look better for him too. I care about myself, but only for myself. I simply get no reaction from him.
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Post by h on Jun 1, 2017 5:55:04 GMT -5
this subject gets me fucking crazy. I often post "a woman's appearance is the most important thing" on FB discussions about woman and their looks and fat and body positive etc etc... The responses here are or will be about ones appearance? I wanted a woman who was smart!!! That was the number one most important thing to me. Smart is nice too but I'd rather have horny as my first choice!😜 |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 1, 2017 6:33:37 GMT -5
shamwow those dimples of yours will get you a long way.... sex change or no sex change ha ha! God I've always hated those dimples. I was always the smallest and youngest kid in school and they made me look smaller and younger than I was. Of course in middle age perhaps I should reevaluate the "curse" of looking younger. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 1, 2017 9:54:23 GMT -5
It goes much, much MUCH deeper than materialistic looks. [...] Anyway -- the point is, it's not all about "looks." Not at all. It's not just about the looks, or, it's not at all about the looks? This is a group in which we generally rage at our partners' tendency to dismiss physical intimacy and fleshly pleasure as being unimportant compared to love and marriage, as if the flesh is beside the point of this higher calling. And yet, I think our eagerness to help rebuild devastated egos encourages us to enthusiastically endorse narratives that, ironically, dismiss the flesh as being shallow and unimportant. While I agree that it can be true that if you are in an invested relationship and your appearance changes (or doesn't update at all across decades), that this alone needn't necessarily diminish a partner's enthusiasm, I don't agree that looks aren't important at all. If you are walking down the street, or have a good friend who is either a skeletal 80 pounds or morbidly obese, or who appears unkempt, are you telling me you see that person as sexually attractive and desirable as the runway model you pass in the mall? That your "Yummy!" meter moves as much for one as the other? I just don't think that's true at all, and I don't think anyone is well served by such narratives. While it's true, I think as baza said, that if you are in a married deal and you take a renewed interest in your health, fitness, shape, and fashion, you likely won't become any more interesting to your partner who is averse to you - at least it won't seem to factor into it - I think it will open a lot more doors for you elsewhere. When my wife cheated on me (with a funny looking little man), after a long period of celibacy and fraught sexuality - I absolutely looked to myself and how I presented, among other changes I made. While none of that might have improved my lot with my wife, it at least allowed me some relief in narrowing down the list of things I tried. As a single man, I can say that I certainly am more likely to more easily sustain an attraction to women who turn heads in a room. I'm not sure why that shouldn't also hold true in an invested relationship either. It's no guarantee of success in finding a mate who wants to boink you, but neither is being a nice person. |
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Post by WindSister on Jun 1, 2017 12:22:15 GMT -5
My point is that often women (if they have a profile picture) will be told, "You look great, I can't believe your stupid husband won't have sex with you." I am pretty certain feeling not good enough looks-wise is the first place we all go to when we are rejected (both in marriage and out in the dating world). I know I struggled with it immensely in very painful ways so I just wanted to get something out there in case someone else might benefit.
Of course, as usual, EO hit the nail on the head -- "Make peace with yourself and be YOUR best self."
And then, don't worry about the ones who don't want you, focus on the ones who do. It may very well be your husband/wife who doesn't want you NO MATTER WHAT you do or what "excuses" they give you ("You weren't an '8.'"). Don't let their mind-fucking excuses take away your shine.
Letting one's self go is another topic for sure - not recommended for a healthy/thriving marriage. But in a healthy/thriving marriage there is communication, trust and shared responsibility for the success/health of each person (as well as personal responsibility, of course). My ex wanted a hot wife but did nothing to support that, to include pursue her sexually. Expressed (and acted-upon) desire for your partner helps them want to be sexy/attractive for you. Well, in a healthy, non-dysfunctional relationship or in mine, anyway - I guess I can't say that's true for everyone. But, when my husband comes up behind me as I do dishes, pressing in close to me, feeling me up and down (treating me like his sexual partner because that's what we are to each other) it makes me feel GOOD about myself and I take care of myself - and that in turn may help him to feel motivated to keep doing it. It's a lovely cycle. Of course, there's the suggestion of taking care of yourself for yourself, too, but it really has been easier for me having the motivation of sex to help me along when it comes to maintaining my health (some of us might be wired like that).
Anyway, thanks to everyone for participating in this discussion, it's all relevant. This topic, like I said, is near and dear to my heart because of all the struggles I had most of my adult life (actually since I was a teenager) with not feeling good enough, looks-wise. Of course, confidence trumps most beauty "standards" -- you may still be rejected because attraction is finicky, but at least you will feel good about yourself along the way if you can embrace yourself as good enough.
I won't get into the attractiveness debate because it's all relative. One man's head-turner is another man's nightmare. Everyone gets rejected in the dating world - some sooner than others, but everyone experiences it eventually for some reason or another. Rejection messes with you, obviously, that's why we have this group in the first place, but rejection isn't a reflection of your worthiness. I just think it's important to know that.
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Post by WindSister on Jun 1, 2017 12:24:35 GMT -5
It goes much, much MUCH deeper than materialistic looks. [...] Anyway -- the point is, it's not all about "looks." Not at all. It's not just about the looks, or, it's not at all about the looks? I didn't answer this -- The first - it's not just about the looks. I sometimes use those extreme words when I shouldn't, I actually have to work very hard at avoiding "all or nothing" type language in expressing myself. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 1, 2017 13:33:15 GMT -5
Letting one's self go is another topic for sure - not recommended for a healthy/thriving marriage. But in a healthy/thriving marriage there is communication, trust and shared responsibility for the success/health of each person (as well as personal responsibility, of course). My ex wanted a hot wife but did nothing to support that, to include pursue her sexually. Expressed (and acted-upon) desire for your partner helps them want to be sexy/attractive for you. Well, in a healthy, non-dysfunctional relationship or in mine, anyway - I guess I can't say that's true for everyone. But, when my husband comes up behind me as I do dishes, pressing in close to me, feeling me up and down (treating me like his sexual partner because that's what we are to each other) it makes me feel GOOD about myself and I take care of myself - and that in turn may help him to feel motivated to keep doing it. It's a lovely cycle. Of course, there's the suggestion of taking care of yourself for yourself, too, but it really has been easier for me having the motivation of sex to help me along when it comes to maintaining my health (some of us might be wired like that). I've heard the "if your partner digs you, you will try hard to maintain yourself" thesis many times, but it doesn't seem to mesh well with my own lived reality and what I've observed. In my twenties, I was all over my gf, who I loved, while she gained weight, and I stuck with her while it happened. It didn't reverse her weight gain. In my latter twenties and early thirties, when I was not yet aware of the scale of dysfunction in my relationship, I gained weight. When things went celibate and my wife had an affair, and when my buddy's wife also had an affair, we both went full out into fitness and got ourselves back into shape. Among the women I've known who transitioned from marriage to divorce, most of them have gone through a period in which they updated their fitness, fashion, hair, and lifestyle, transforming themselves even though they didn't have a partner, to the point that formerly mousy non-descript women have suddenly popped up on my radar, like "DAAMN!" From what I've seen, I'd deduce that blaming others (like an inattentive partner) for one's OWN appearance and health choices is a prime indicator that one does not take responsibilities for one's own choices. By making your weight your partner's responsibility, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. The biggest impetus for change based on what I've observed and experienced, is the prospect that you might have to attract someone new, or the terror that you'll have to be naked in front of someone new that you have attracted. The Divorce Diet. |
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