T-Plus 806 - Shammy's divorce finalizes
T-Plus 804 - BOC flies to Houston to meet Shammy
T-Minus 96 - "Operation Shackup" begins
So, I haven't posted on this thread in a very long time. As a matter of fact, I'd kind of retired it. However, I feel the time is appropriate to do an update. I'm giving the update for both
ballofconfusion and I since our separate stories are now one.
SM Healing:
I've been out of my SM (we will refer to her as Whirly) for a little over two years now. What used to be an all-consuming, soul-crushing daily hamster wheel of "why searching" has faded to a bad dream. I've still got scars from the 20 year experience, but they are no longer bright pink, but have faded to a pale white. Like physical scars, I doubt they will ever disappear completely. Time does tend to heal such things, though. Oh, and I think it's safe to say I'm fucking amazing in bed - who knew? Spoiler alert - it was Whirly, not me that was the problem. As for Whirly, as far as I know, in two years, she hasn't dated. Since modern dating often has the expectation of sexual intercourse, this may be a show stopper for her (at least until the divorce cash runs out). My working hypothesis for years is she is asexual but wants the trappings of marriage (kids and money). So far, she hasn't dis-proven the hypothesis. However, I honestly don't give a shit about her sex life anymore (or even think about it for that matter).
Although
ballofconfusion filed for divorce at a roughly similar time to me, her divorce is ongoing. After 25 years of marriage and a year after she moved out, her ex (we refer to him as Ponzi) finally came out as gay. He is now trying to "find his place in the community" while slow walking the divorce process. His motivation for this is financial. The long and short of it is that he is looking for her to shoulder 70 percent of the debt (there are no assets). Ponzi is representing himself, and doesn't seem to get the fact the courts are going to split it 50/50. This will end in a trial, likely with terms similar to the settlement proposed two years ago. We've stopped trying to negotiate and play nice. He's bailed on two different mediation sessions, only appears to court half the time, and it appears we will need to drag him across the finish line. She's dropped her more "collaborative" attorney with a no-nonsense one who will get this done. Many of BOC's wounds have healed (for example, she is absolutely sure it was him and not her), but since the divorce is still ongoing, Ponzi has the capability (which he uses frequently) to rip open new wounds.
"The Plan":
When
ballofconfusion and I first met, we'd been talking for 4-5 months on a continuous basis. I made arrangements to fly her to meet in person as soon as the divorce finalized. So, two days after the ink was dry, she landed in Houston (7/14/2017). It's an understatement to say that we hit it off. She is pretty, funny, and smart as hell. We were already best friends, and the chemistry between us is intense. "I really really like you" quickly turned to "I love you" on both of our parts. Plans were made for me to visit her in San Diego. During that first six months, we pretty much alternated traveling every two weeks (when we didn't have our kids). From there, we constructed "The Plan". Like most good plans, it's pretty simple:
Phase 1:
- One of us travels to see the other every two weeks (Thank you Spirit Airlines)
- When her daughter (her youngest) graduates, BOC moves to Houston (mine is three years younger)
Phase 2:
- Live, love, and stash cash!
- When my son graduates (and we are empty nesters), we take a year off and travel around the world.
Phase 3:
- Assuming we enjoy living abroad, we will pick a country and move there for six months to a year at a time (Costa Rica, Bali, Thailand, Greece, Spain, etc...)
- Fly back to the states to see the family as desired and/or air drop kids/grand kids to see us.
So, how is the plan coming? Well, we have 65 trips under our belt and anticipate it will be 73 before we are done. That's 90 percent of the way there. As it turns out, I fly there more often. My job is more flexible in that regard, and honestly, a California vacation every two weeks with the woman I love sounds pretty good. This especially makes sense because she's moving to Houston anyway. Plenty of time to experience the little to do there is here.
As far as the second step, that one is being accelerated. See, California is a loony-tunes level expensive place to live. For the first year after the divorce, BOC's mom gave her financial help to make ends meet (on top of a job and spousal/child support). But a year ago, her mom explained that she wasn't going to be able to continue. She wanted to help, but couldn't continue to decimate her retirement. We scrambled for ideas, and eventually settled on her mom taking out a HELOC (home equity line of credit). Basically, it's a second mortgage (that BOC will be responsible for paying back). We established a large enough line of credit with some padding for minor unexpected circumstances. That seemed to solve the problem enough to cross the finish line, but Ponzi had other plans.
See, last year, Ponzi came out of the closet. As it turns out, vocationally, he is principal of a Catholic middle school. Ponzi wasn't exactly hiding matters either. As a result, in March, his contract was terminated mid-year (although they paid him through June). As soon as June hit, Ponzi stopped paying support. Basically, that ripped the wheels off the bus. Now, the HELOC wouldn't be enough (not even close). There is no other source of funds. Basically, game over in early February.
As a result, we are accelerating our original plan. Instead of coming to Houston in June, our new target date is 12/31/2019 (hence 96 days). Part of it is great. We are going to be together sooner! We've been looking forward to this for over two years and it's within reach. But her daughter will likely be coming with us halfway through her senior year (there are a couple of other less-appealing options where she can stay in San Diego). Our home is her home, of course, but it sucks that the man's colossal narcissism has screwed over his own daughter. So our excitement is somewhat tempered.
The good news is that over the past two years, we've been blending our families together. For the most part, it has been successful (with one exception). I'll talk more about that next.
Family:
I am be stating the obvious, but divorce changes family dynamics. It isn't easy on anyone. But I have never heard of an instance of a healthy marriage ending in divorce. Unhealthy marriages result in unhealthy behavior (screaming, drinking, porn, violence, outsourcing, etc...). If a family is stuck in one of these shit shows (and if you are here, you likely are), nobody in the situation has a chance at anything better. If you succeed in getting out of the dysfunctional situation, some things may get better and some may get worse. It really depends upon the situation, level of shit show, and how amicable the split is.
In our case, there are 8 people involved:
- Shammy - Healing. Sober. Excited about the future.
- BOC - Healing. Less anxiety. Excited about the future.
- BOC Oldest Son (24) - Graduated from college, and launching. Tries to play "Switzerland". Lives with BOC and sometimes has dinner / beer with Ponzi. Gets along well with Sham.
- BOC Second Oldest Son (22) - Had Stage 3c cancer last year. Ponzi came out to him while he was in ICU and told him he doesn't care if he loses his insurance. Son said he wants to live. Ponzi is tired of living for others. They no longer speak. Healthy relationship with BOC. Gets along great with Sham.
- BOC Third Oldest Son (20) - In college. Healthy relationship with BOC. No longer speaks to his father. This is uncharacteristic behavior for him. We suspect something went down, but no idea what. Gets along great with Sham.
- Sham Oldest Daughter (19) - At community college. For first year lived with both parents. At Shams, there are rules (i.e. when your boyfriend is over, you don't hang out under the sheets in your bedroom). At Whirly's everything goes (personal happiness is the most important thing), and she lives there. Over the past year, she barely speaks to Sham. Has not yet met BOC (doesn't want to).
- BOC Daughter (18) - Senior in high school. Lives with BOC. Sometimes does dinner with Ponzi. Ponzi emotionally manipulates her which she is only now starting to talk about now. She is now faced with decision regarding whether to move to Texas or we try to figure out a way to stay in California. The way Ponzi is going with her, she might not be speaking to him soon. She gets along great with Sham (including family vacations).
- Son of Sham (15) - Was initially quiet after divorce, but has rebounded the best and is more outspoken. He really gets along with BOC (including family vacations).
Neither BOC nor I give a crap about how Ponzi / Whirly are doing.
Also, neither of us are trying to replace the other parent, but we are trying to blend our families. With a total of 8 people, as you might expect, it's a mixed bag. Our goal is long term here. We are thinking about how things look when there are grand kids in the picture.
Oh, one funny story....
I call my ex Whirly. She is a classic helicopter mom (swoops in like a whirly bird). During the divorce, I proposed the kids have equal time with both of us. They need a mother and a father, after all. She yelled that she would fight me over this (literal spittle coming out of her mouth). I didn't want to drag the kids in front of a judge to decide, so I went along. If I'm being honest, after 20 years of being beaten down, I hadn't yet found my own voice, and wasn't capable of waging a fight.
During the first summer after the divorce, I asked my kids if they liked the schedule as it was or if they'd like something with fewer hand-offs (the schedule Whirly wanted to go with had them living out of a bag twice a week). They preferred a simpler schedule. I brought it to Whirly expecting her to be reasonable (Lucy, could you put that football back on the stand?). Nope. She basically lied about what the kids said and I let it sit for another 6 months. Over that time, I had healed, and learned about boundaries.
At the beginning of this year, I gave Whirly a choice. She can switch to what our son told me (and others) his preference was or I would exercise my rights in the decree and have him every weekend during the summer. See, I'd had my attorney modify the standard language to give me that right. She didn't catch it before signing. I didn't use it the first summer since I was playing nice. Well, she thought I was bluffing. As it turns out, I wasn't. Last summer, I had my son just about every weekend. I used that time to bring him to San Diego and get to know BOC. We all had a blast together. We even did a full family vacation to Washington DC to see BOC's son living there. By the end of the summer, I'd filled him in on the plan for BOC to move to Houston. He liked the idea. Then I asked him if he'd like to do the easier schedule. He said yes. I sent an email to Whirly and CC'd him on there. She couldn't lie about his preference with him copied on the message. She blinked. So she lost the entire summer, BOC and my son got to know each other, and he is now alternating weeks with us. But this only came about after I had time to heal and learn to stand up for myself (and my son).
We've all come a long way and in many ways, things are just starting. For me, leaving was the best decision I've ever made.
